Marriage Vocation


#1

Do intense emotional and sexual feelings indicate that one is called to marriage? I’m thinking of the Apostle Paul’s advice:

But if they have not the gift of continence, let them marry; better to marry than to feel the heat of passion (1 Corinthians 7:9)

The problem comes when I think that I might be just tempted to act under the influence of near-irresistible sexual frustration. The temptation is really starting to tear me down. I don’t really want to go out and have casual sex, but I think I might desire an intense mental, emotional, and physical relationship with another person. Meanwhile, I have just began to really resist temptations against Chasity (I am embarrassed to admit that I have been addicted to pornography most of my life: this is the first time in my life I have gone 8 weeks clean, although I have been trying for longer), and I’m just starting to learn that masturbation has been suppressing my emotions, and thus hiding what I think is a mood disorder.

However, at the same time, I don’t want to resist what might be the call to the Sacred Priesthood just because I have little self-discipline. I also don’t want to be a priest if I really do have a mood disorder. But, if I do have a mood disorder, I’m afraid I might be a terrible husband and father (I’m very lazy and have no idea what I want to do as a career: I’m not sure if I could be a reliable provider).

To tell you my personal opinion: I think I prefer marriage to priesthood, although, I must emphasize, I’m feeling really emotionally/sexually intense right now, so my judgment is cloudy.

And, to say again, I have been feeling really emotionally and sexually intense this last few weeks, and I don’t know how long I can handle it. I’m 20 years old, and most young people don’t get married until their late 20s at least. If I am called to marriage, I would want to marry young, but, again, I don’t think I’m mature enough to provide for another.

I want to go talk to a priest, but that might take a little while, and the internet is the fastest way I can think of to get help thinking about this before I explode :banghead: So, since my mind and heart are dizzy and confused, can some of you humbly help me discern in the meantime? Or at least give me some advice on how to “finish the race” and continue resisting lust? I’m having a real hard time trusting in God right now.

Also, can I ask for some advice on dealing with envy? All my friends are in relationships (and are having sex). Sometimes, my emotions get carried away and I get really distressed with the thought of some girl that might be my wife having sex with another man (these tortures are far worst when I think she has an emotional bond with the man), as well as the fact that I am not having sex, and especially since my heart is breaking over this lack of an romantic relationship with another.

Sorry in advance if my post is confusing. I’m not good at discussing my emotions publicly (I’m really embarrassed to write all of this).

*Note: I might just be an oversensitive, passionate, and hopeless romantic :crying:

Christ pax,

Lucretius


#2

If you think you might have a mood disorder, would you consider talking to a professional to rule that out. If you have that, counseling and/or medication might be in order.

Now, I realize there is often a terrible stigma to a point even when we suspect something, we resist checking it out to either confirm it or rule it out. With anything else, we would run to a doctor, get it tended to. However, sadly, when it comes to our emotions, we resist, often think they might give us a label.

However, a lot of people suffer needlessly. Often, with help, some have a MUCH easier time.

So, if you believe you have a mood disorder, I hope you would see a psychologist and double check. A good one will tell you “you have nothing to worry about” if you are fine.

Good luck with whatever you decide. God bless! :thumbsup:


#3

Insofar as envy is concerned, if you really want to remain celibate at this point, you could think of it this way…some of your friends who are currently having sex will …come down with a sexually transmitted disease. Some, using contraception or not, will …get pregnant. Some will not be with the right partner and will need to switch…again and again and again. When the right person comes along, there will be trust and other issues.

I have heard that statistically speaking, marriages are more successful when the couple waits till after marriage to make love.

Now, some women who get pregnant, will NOT marry the father, even if he wants to…just becoming a single mother. I had a friend who had premarital sex, and his girlfriend got pregnant. He wanted to marry. She didn´t. He has a child in another country, and his girlfriend was an atheist, wouldn´t allow the child to be baptized.

With premarital sex, sometimes, lying is part of the package, that it’s too embarrassing to tell family and friends the truth, so it’s hidden, a secret, in some cases.

Even when couples use contraception, it’s not 100% full proof. I used to interpret, sometimes for pregnant ladies, and I once talked to one woman, up in the stirrups, who was shocked she was pregnant, saying she was on the Pill! She never thought one could get pregnant on the Pill, but abstinence is really the only safe way.

When one gives sex, sometimes the relationship winds down. Well, some people are only into the conquest, lose interest after that thinking the “love” is gone (but the “love”, then, was only infatuation).

It can be quite heartbreaking to give one’s self, sexually, to another, and then have him/her just want a fling, be ready to move on to another. Since there is NO commitment whatsoever, he/she can do that, but one’s emotions, if in love, hurt terribly. It can be quite devastating.

In a woman, when she is in a sexual relationship with a man, she produces certain hormones which help with bonding. Sometimes, if this turns out to be not the right one, it can be especially hard on the woman to break up at that point.

Some couples have the woman get pregnant, and in some cases, since there is no commitment, the woman will opt to have an abortion, even if the man is opposed. The man doesn’t really have a say. At least in a marriage, there is a commitment, in a Catholic marriage, a promise to accept children.

With no commitment, anything can happen.

With women who get pregnant with premarital sex…there is often a rush to suddenly get married. Now, sometimes, due to the circumstances, it may not be what either wants but done out of a sense of obligation.

The woman can decide she doesn´t want to commit to marriage, just wants to live together. Anything can happen. Now, even in marriage, pretty much anything can happen, as well, but there is at least a promise.

So, if you want commitment, those are some of the advantages, so you don´t need to feel envious.

You are only 20 y.o., and I think your feelings are normal for a young person. Your hormones are going crazy.

Try not to compare yourself to others, because there will always be others who are better off and worse off. If you need to compare yourself, compare yourself now to later. Work on yourself. Keep yourself as the focus, NOT others.

I would encourage you to strive at this point for friendships, to keep very busy and active to help you out. They say idleness is the devil’s workshop.

If you want marriage, possibly, then prepare yourself to one day reach that goal, to be a good husband and provider by learning a trade or getting and education, something.
Learn how to fix things. We women LOVE a man who can fix things! I do. My father could fix a car, roof, worked on plumbing, electrical, masonry, cut the grass, taught school.

Develop qualities in yourself that will help you in your future family or…priesthood.

Instead of being envious, do the opposite. You can even admit it. Say, “Hey…I envy you!” (or your relationship!) or “Congratulations!”

Though, the ideal is not to envy, to get your own relationship, fair and square. It takes time, work. It’s HARD! If it comes too easily, it might not even be right.

Oh yeah, and not everything may be as perfect as it may seem. Look at the lives of the stars. We have one grossing all kinds of millions of dollars, and he seems to have a wonderful, perfect life, love…and he’ll have a drug and/or alcohol problem, or commit suicide! So no…you don´t know what goes on behind the scenes…what others suffer or don´t.

You can also at least develop a social life, even if it’s just friendships, for now…volunteer, take classes…join clubs, groups…get a hobby, learn something. Make your life count. Make it into what you want it to be…reach your goals, personal and otherwise, or try to.


#4

I don’t think you are mature enough for the priesthood or even marriage.

They are both vocations which take a lot of work and since you said you are lazy you will fail in both.

I am not here to hurt you. Don’t forget you are still young. Your only 20. A lot of people your age are lazy and all they want to do is have fun. But as you get older things change and you start to see that things are not going to get done unless you do them.
If you ever find a girlfriend the last thing she would want to see is you being lazy. women don’t like that in a man, They will want someone who is helpful and willing tgo help out in anything and everything.

As far as your friends having girlfriends and having sex. You can not look at others and how they live their lives look at yourself and see what you are and how you can change yourself for the better,

The catholic church can help you a lot with near-irresistible sexual frustration going to confession will strengthen from these things and holy communion also. even simply going into a church sitting down and just being quite and looking towards the tabernacle thing of Jesus. when you come out of the church the rest of your day will be more peaceful. Just try it and see how you go.


#5

Yes…marriage is not for the weak and neither is the priesthood.

My ex-husband was lazy, and it was REALLY hard on me.

“Will you help hold the car door while I change out the door handles?” “Nope”.

“Would you hold the ladder while I put in the insulation in the attic?” “No”.

“Would you dig this hole for me?” “No”.

“Would you help me clean out the flowerbeds?” “No”.

Well, the Church considers laziness to be “sloth”, one of the 7 Cardinal (deadly) sins.

My ex-husband’s laziness caused many a rift in our marriage. It was very hard on me. I could feel like I sometimes did more than my share, as a direct result, and it created a strain on our marriage, helping to push us towards divorce…among other things.


#6

Oh…and with envy, some of these folks you envied having premarital sex are using contraceptive methods which are abortifacients…cause abortions…so they say. So, you, at least…are not.


#7

It does hurt to see other girls hurting themselves in uncommitted relationships. I’m not saying that you were not helpful, but the problem is that I do essentially know all of these points. However, much of these feelings are, well, feelings. They are irrational and out of my control.

continued…


#8

You are only 20 y.o., and I think your feelings are normal for a young person. Your hormones are going crazy.

I hope you are right. I don’t want to get into a commitment with another and find out that I didn’t really like her outside of my feelings. How do you discern the difference between an infatuation and a more mature love? Or the better question might be, How do I turn an infatuation into a more mature love?

Try not to compare yourself to others, because there will always be others who are better off and worse off. If you need to compare yourself, compare yourself now to later. Work on yourself. Keep yourself as the focus, NOT others.

This is good advice. Thank you :slight_smile:

I would encourage you to strive at this point for friendships, to keep very busy and active to help you out. They say idleness is the devil’s workshop.

I’m working on it. You see, most of my friends are men, and I’ve always felt more feminine then them. I might just feel more fulfilled if I found a few female friends I can share myself with. I’m just afraid that we will go too far (this has unfortunately happened to me before :frowning: ).

If you want marriage, possibly, then prepare yourself to one day reach that goal, to be a good husband and provider by learning a trade or getting and education, something.
Learn how to fix things. We women LOVE a man who can fix things! I do. My father could fix a car, roof, worked on plumbing, electrical, masonry, cut the grass, taught school.

Develop qualities in yourself that will help you in your future family or…priesthood.

Thank you for the advice :slight_smile: One of my objections to the Sacred Priesthood is that I don’t know if I could handle what I perceive to be a lonely life. However, on the other hand, many have told me that I would make a good priest :confused: I’m particularly attracted to hearing and helping others in the Confessional.

Instead of being envious, do the opposite. You can even admit it. Say, “Hey…I envy you!” (or your relationship!) or “Congratulations!”

I’m sort of a daydreamer, so I have the tendency to let my mind wonder. And when I’m in la-la land (that’s what my parents have always said :smiley: ), I often imagine, well, sort of compulsive images that break my heart. However, I also suffer from the selfish desire to, well… be with a virgin, as if I’m somehow entitled. I know this is selfish, but the problem is that it is a feeling outside my control. I really breaks my heart to think of someone who might be my future wife being intimate with another man :crying:

Though, the ideal is not to envy, to get your own relationship, fair and square. It takes time, work. It’s HARD! If it comes too easily, it might not even be right.

I pray I have patience (I’m SO impatient). I’m a long distance runner, though, so I should have some perseverance :smiley:

h yeah, and not everything may be as perfect as it may seem. Look at the lives of the stars. We have one grossing all kinds of millions of dollars, and he seems to have a wonderful, perfect life, love…and he’ll have a drug and/or alcohol problem, or commit suicide! So no…you don´t know what goes on behind the scenes…what others suffer or don´t.

Most of the problems I have with envy are imagined (literally). I guess I just want to have an emotional and sexual relationship with a girl, and am just too immature and impatient to really continue one slower than I want (starting one is the easy part). I’m just the kind of person who, in a relationship, tends to express my feelings probably too much (I feel strongly and deeply: I have ruined romantic relationships in the recent past by this, although I tend to date introverts who don’t open up easy, and often times I find myself in a “one way” relationship). Maybe I’m just looking for someone who would share their feelings back with me?

You can also at least develop a social life, even if it’s just friendships, for now…volunteer, take classes…join clubs, groups…get a hobby, learn something. Make your life count. Make it into what you want it to be…reach your goals, personal and otherwise, or try to.

I’m working on building new relationships. Last year I went off to college, hated the college I was at, and this year moved closer to home. All this movement is not good for fostering friendships.

Thank you for all your help :slight_smile:

Christ pax,

Lucretius


#9

True. Yes, your feelings are your feelings. You’re right.

It is frustrating.

I was just trying to address the point of envy.

I was reading on it in Wikihow. There were several on envy and how not to envy.

wikihow.com/Overcome-Envy

I once actually did a gratitude exercise, similar to one they recommended, where I had to come up with 100 things I was grateful for, daily. In the beginning, I had a lot of trouble even coming up with a handful! Now, after doing it a lot, I think I could probably come up with hundreds of things I was grateful for!

I have a disability, could feel envy of those who have their full health. I try really hard not to envy. Although yes, when I did feel envy, it was not generally as much what people had, with the exception of love. I admit that seemed very enviable.

Though now, I have a relationship. I have a boyfriend. Knowing what I know now, if I didn´t have a relationship, I would work on myself.

For instance, I did an entire makeover on myself, recently. I was already in a relationship at that point, but due to the compliments and feedback I’ve gotten, I think it would have helped me get into a relationship!

Well, I had never had my ears pierced (though I’m 50 y.o.). So, I went out, got them pierced and some very nice earrings. My hair wasn´t a very flattering style, so I did something about it.

My clothes made me look overweight and old. I got new clothes that were more modern and youthful.

I wore makeup, wore nice shoes that I got polished.

I began to wear jewelry…necklaces and bracelets.

I used to wear a lot of depressing colors.

Also, emotionally, I was very sad and didn´t smile much, didn´t stand up straight.

Now, I make more of a point to talk to people, smile more, wear happier colors.

I worked on my house, am organizing it from top to bottom.

I am beginning to exercise. Really, I also need to lose weight.

Of late, I have had people talk to me who didn´t used to give me the time of day! People treat me differently.

Before, I used to wear any old thing, and now, no.

Oh, and I got a manicure, pedicure.

I have been getting my health tended to, mental/emotional and physical, which I had been ignoring.

I am treating myself much better. Before, I treated others well but not myself. Now, I tend to myself better. I have had insomnia, and I am going to work on that, get a remedy.

I wasn´t getting my testing done. I had cancer, didn´t love myself, stopped going for my checkups, because I didn´t care about myself. I want to go back, get my bone density the doctor asked for.

I overworked myself. Now, I want to stop doing that.

I’d like to exercise a couple or more times a week, eat more nutritiously.

I used to let myself go…not brush, floss, use lotion. Now, I tend to my teeth, get my checkups, take care of my skin and everything. The difference in me is phenomenal to a point people who know me can´t even recognize me due to all the changes.

Now, even were I not to have a boyfriend, already, I think all this would have placed me in a much better position to get one. Now, people are telling my boyfriend they envy him and ask him how he managed to land such a beautiful girlfriend.

I get more compliments.

So, when one doesn´t have love, I’ve learned there is actually a LOT we can do about that. We can do a lot with our appearance, behavior and more to make ourselves more sought after.

My boyfriend leveled with me, told me that when he first met me, I was in my own world, didn´t say “hi” to people, was a hermit. He said my eyes used to be “opaque” but now, since I’m finally happy, they shine.

Since they have begun shining, since I’m happy, people find me more attractive and beautiful. I rarely used to get compliments on my appearance. Now, I get compliments all the time from different ages.

We can place ourselves out there. On some level, I began to realize I probably wouldn´t meet Mr. Right sitting at my house, so I began 2 volunteer positions. I finally met my boyfriend. We saw eachother around town and in church. We were introduced by a mutual contact through my volunteer work.

My brother, when he was single, used to tell single folks, especially women, that they needed to get out there, not to expect Mr. Right to knock on their doors!

I began to focus on friendship. I had the expectation that I would get out there, and if I met someone, I met him, if I didn´t, at least I would have friends.

Envy is not attractive. Sometimes, we can actually pick up on it.

What’s most attractive in a mate is happiness, love, physical beauty.

Now, I transmit my happiness, but one can start the process BEFORE being in a relationship.

I have people looking at me, envious. I am the SAME person I was a few months ago, but now, I think several people are interested in me despite the fact I am 50 y.o., have a disability, use a wheelchair!

Now that I have finally found love, I am determined to make it last. I try hard to keep looking nice and being the kind of girlfriend my boyfriend who be able to be proud of, love.

If you were to find love right now, would you be ready for it?

To me, prepare yourself. Look your best. Get your house all cleaned up and organized. Work on yourself. BE the kind of partner that people would LOVE!

I’m doing a makeover, now, on my house. I will get it painted and remodeled. It has been a mess! Anyway, that’s also going to stop.

I’m considering getting a part-time job so I have more money to work with to meet my own goals. I think I’d feel proud of myself for it, be able to say, pridefully, that even though I have a disability, I could still do that.


#10

One last point…I used to envy people in relationships…people who were also married, but now, I no longer even do that. I went out, instead of envying others…I got my own relationship, and now, people envy ME!


#11

I just don’t like the lack of progress I have made in my vocation. I feel like I’m stagnating in this part of my life. I think I mentioned before that if I were fairly certain what my vocation was (and who it might be with) I would instantly start working towards it. I’m trying to learn how much a vocation is a calling, and how much of it is a choice.

I am not here to hurt you.

I’m sensitive in these sort of things, but I know that you only have my best interests at heart. Thank you for your concern.

Don’t forget you are still young. Your only 20. A lot of people your age are lazy and all they want to do is have fun. But as you get older things change and you start to see that things are not going to get done unless you do them.

I don’t want to be the 30-35 year olds that I often find threads for on this site who are worried that they have not found their vocation yet. I’m young, and want to have a relationship (and all the fun :thumbsup: ) while I’m young. I’m afraid to get married too old, and not have a long and meaningful relationship. If I do get married young, I’m not sure if I would want a child right away (but I DEFINATELY want to have (quite a lot) of children. This might change though when I actually have a child :wink: and see all the hardships in taking care of him/her).

If you ever find a girlfriend the last thing she would want to see is you being lazy. women don’t like that in a man, They will want someone who is helpful and willing tgo help out in anything and everything.

My laziness might be the effects of a mental disorder. I was always a procrastinator, but I don’t think I have ever been this lazy as of late. I am also completely lost as to what career I want to have, so without a goal, I have nothing to strive towards.

As far as your friends having girlfriends and having sex. You can not look at others and how they live their lives look at yourself and see what you are and how you can change yourself for the better,

Very good advice, thank you :thumbsup: I’m very interested in other people’s lives, so I sometimes run into this problem.

The catholic church can help you a lot with near-irresistible sexual frustration going to confession will strengthen from these things and holy communion also. even simply going into a church sitting down and just being quite and looking towards the tabernacle thing of Jesus. when you come out of the church the rest of your day will be more peaceful. Just try it and see how you go.

I have been going to confession every weekend, and sometimes go to the Oratory in my city for the perpetual Eucharistic adoration. I would like to have Communion daily, but I don’t have the time to go to weekday Mass. I’m VERY aware that I have only reason I have resisted lustful temptation at all is the Grace from these Sacraments.

Thank you for your time :slight_smile:

Christi pax,

Lucretius


#12

#13

There are career counselors at college to help guide you to set up a direction in your life. They can do aptitude and interest testings, probably for free and you can bounce ideas off of them. That’s what they do for a living.


#14

Good idea :idea: Thanks for the article!

I have a disability, could feel envy of those who have their full health. I try really hard not to envy. Although yes, when I did feel envy, it was not generally as much what people had, with the exception of love. I admit that seemed very enviable.

I’m feel very sorry for your disability.

I really don’t envy others on anything other than love as well.

Though now, I have a relationship. I have a boyfriend. Knowing what I know now, if I didn´t have a relationship, I would work on myself.

That’s what I trying to do, so I can be the best I can be when I find “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.”

For instance, I did an entire makeover on myself, recently. I was already in a relationship at that point, but due to the compliments and feedback I’ve gotten, I think it would have helped me get into a relationship!

Well, I had never had my ears pierced (though I’m 50 y.o.). So, I went out, got them pierced and some very nice earrings. My hair wasn´t a very flattering style, so I did something about it.

My clothes made me look overweight and old. I got new clothes that were more modern and youthful.

I wore makeup, wore nice shoes that I got polished.

I began to wear jewelry…necklaces and bracelets.

I’m so happy for you! :smiley:

I used to wear a lot of depressing colors.

Also, emotionally, I was very sad and didn´t smile much, didn´t stand up straight.

Now, I make more of a point to talk to people, smile more, wear happier colors.

C. S. Lewis says that even if you don’t feel love for someone, you should act as though you do…and you might eventually find that you do love her. In the same way, if you don’t feel happy, you should act as though you do…and you might eventually find that you are happy.

I worked on my house, am organizing it from top to bottom.

Internal cleanliness is reflected in external cleanliness :smiley:

I am beginning to exercise. Really, I also need to lose weight.

Of late, I have had people talk to me who didn´t used to give me the time of day! People treat me differently.

Before, I used to wear any old thing, and now, no.

Oh, and I got a manicure, pedicure.

I’m sure you are very beautiful.

I have been getting my health tended to, mental/emotional and physical, which I had been ignoring.

This is where I’m at right now (specifically emotional health).

I am treating myself much better. Before, I treated others well but not myself. Now, I tend to myself better. I have had insomnia, and I am going to work on that, get a remedy.

I had some insomnia problems too. I’ve learned that a consistent sleep pattern and an early bedtime can make all the difference.

I wasn´t getting my testing done. I had cancer, didn´t love myself, stopped going for my checkups, because I didn´t care about myself. I want to go back, get my bone density the doctor asked for.

I overworked myself. Now, I want to stop doing that.

I’d like to exercise a couple or more times a week, eat more nutritiously.

I used to let myself go…not brush, floss, use lotion. Now, I tend to my teeth, get my checkups, take care of my skin and everything. The difference in me is phenomenal to a point people who know me can´t even recognize me due to all the changes.

I feel bad that you had cancer. I’m assuming that you feel better now, right?

Now, even were I not to have a boyfriend, already, I think all this would have placed me in a much better position to get one. Now, people are telling my boyfriend they envy him and ask him how he managed to land such a beautiful girlfriend.

I get more compliments.

So, when one doesn´t have love, I’ve learned there is actually a LOT we can do about that. We can do a lot with our appearance, behavior and more to make ourselves more sought after.

My boyfriend leveled with me, told me that when he first met me, I was in my own world, didn´t say “hi” to people, was a hermit. He said my eyes used to be “opaque” but now, since I’m finally happy, they shine.

Since they have begun shining, since I’m happy, people find me more attractive and beautiful. I rarely used to get compliments on my appearance. Now, I get compliments all the time from different ages.

What a conversion! :slight_smile:

continued…


#15

We can place ourselves out there. On some level, I began to realize I probably wouldn´t meet Mr. Right sitting at my house, so I began 2 volunteer positions. I finally met my boyfriend. We saw eachother around town and in church. We were introduced by a mutual contact through my volunteer work.

My brother, when he was single, used to tell single folks, especially women, that they needed to get out there, not to expect Mr. Right to knock on their doors!

I began to focus on friendship. I had the expectation that I would get out there, and if I met someone, I met him, if I didn´t, at least I would have friends.

If I do get married, I want my beloved/lover to be my best friend too.

Envy is not attractive. Sometimes, we can actually pick up on it.

What’s most attractive in a mate is happiness, love, physical beauty.

Now, I transmit my happiness, but one can start the process BEFORE being in a relationship.

I have people looking at me, envious. I am the SAME person I was a few months ago, but now, I think several people are interested in me despite the fact I am 50 y.o., have a disability, use a wheelchair!

Now that I have finally found love, I am determined to make it last. I try hard to keep looking nice and being the kind of girlfriend my boyfriend who be able to be proud of, love.

You sound so happy!

If you were to find love right now, would you be ready for it?

I do think I am ready. I want to devote myself to someone else. I think that I would be less lazy IF I were in a relationship. I would have a good motivation to work on bettering myself. I had one other close relationship in my life. I really loved her (although I’m not sure if I do know how to really love) and, although in retrospect this decision was probably really stupid, I was going to continue studying for a career I had lost interest in just so I could be able to provide for her. I was motivated by her to continue. I think this reveals some immaturity on my part, though.

To me, prepare yourself. Look your best. Get your house all cleaned up and organized. Work on yourself. BE the kind of partner that people would LOVE!

I’m doing a makeover, now, on my house. I will get it painted and remodeled. It has been a mess! Anyway, that’s also going to stop.

I’m considering getting a part-time job so I have more money to work with to meet my own goals. I think I’d feel proud of myself for it, be able to say, pridefully, that even though I have a disability, I could still do that.

May God be with you in your Joy! Thank you for sharing it with me! :smiley:

Christi pax,

Lucretius


#16

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#17

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