Marriage--When does the fighting stop?


#1

I had fight with my hubby today. :( I HATE fights/arguing/disagreements whatever you call them I hate them. Our fights are much less frequent than they used to be, which seemed like several times a day in the beginning. They are maybe only a few times a week or so now, but it feels like more because they hurt so much more because we really have grown more in love over the years. Does that even make sense? :o

Will we ever grow out of this entirely? I HATE fighting. :(


#2

When does it get better? When you both decide to change things. When you two **decide **to react differently, communicate differently, behave differently.

I suggest Greg Popcak's book For Better... Forever. Really, frequent fighting points to something underlying-- communication skills, expectations, etc.

Frequent fighting, actually fighting period, isn't healthy and definitely not necessary.

Find another way.


#3

Could it ever possibly morph into this? :confused:


#4

[quote="prolifewife, post:1, topic:200214"]
I had fight with my hubby today. :( I HATE fights/arguing/disagreements whatever you call them I hate them. Our fights are much less frequent than they used to be, which seemed like several times a day in the beginning. They are maybe only a few times a week or so now, but it feels like more because they hurt so much more because we really have grown more in love over the years. Does that even make sense? :o

Will we ever grow out of this entirely? I HATE fighting. :(

[/quote]

Fighting is not the natural state of a marraige
Your marraige has fighting
There is a reason behind that fighting
Finding, and removing that reason will stop the fighting

:thumbsup:


#5

Maybe I am weird, but I don't think the fighting ever really stops.

When you have two flawed human beings living with one another and interacting on a daily basis, you are bound to rub each other the wrong way. Both parties are not always going to be able to be patient, kind, and understanding.

We shoudl always strive for that, yes. For sure.

DH and I have been married seven years and we still fight. Our fighting has changed. Now I would say it's more like arguing. We have a disagreement several times a week probably. We have a full fledged fight maybe once every two or three months. Usually becasue one of us is overly emotional and overtired and the other one doesn't want to to be sympathetic and understanding.

I don't think it will ever go away, but I sincerely hope we both become more patient, kind, and understanding over time.


#6

I have been married for 40 years and we used to fight regularly. I decided a few years ago that this was not the way a Catholic should behave (I am one she isn’t) and I just decided never to start a row and not to take the bait if she seemed to want one.
I can’t claim that hard words have totally stopped but they are now very rare.
Now, I usually just let her ‘have her own way’, unless I feel very strongly about something and then I look for some way to put my point over without any resulting dramatics.


#7

It depends on what you mean by fights and why they happen. My opinion is that they are not an inevitable part of marriage. I don't mean that the couple will never disagree, though, or never hurt each other.

I'd go nuts if we fought several times a week on a regular basis. Fighting is not fun. :(


#8

I can honestly say that my wife and I have never had a fight. We might occasionally disagree about something, but we resolve these occasional differences by discussing them, not fighting about them. We are both of the opinion that there is enough conflict in the world. We don't need it in our home.

When does it get better? When you both decide to change things. When you two decide to react differently, communicate differently, behave differently.

Agreed! Fighting with your spouse is something you decide to do.


#9

*I think that how two people communicate will determine whether they take disagreements into arguments. No one is a winner or a loser in arguments…both parties should be looking to do what is in the best interest of the other. I’d say that with my husband and me…If there is something troubling me, I’ll say…’‘honey, can we discuss something later?’’ That took nearly 15 years of marriage to get to that point prolifewife. :smiley: We will be married 19 yrs next month, and after all these years…we can now discuss things without raising our voices. Although there was a fight we had about 6 months ago, and it felt like a newlywed fight. My husband diffused the fight by saying…’‘Gosh, I still love you this much, that we are having fights about nothing.’’ haha It made me laugh…and he was forgiven. :stuck_out_tongue:

Work on talking with each other not to each other…and avoid things like…’‘When YOU do this or that…’’ Gosh, that’s a common pitfall couples make. Say things like…’‘When this happens, I feel like this.’’ It’s hard to argue with how someone feels about something…and you’ll see that your ‘‘fights,’’ will morph into disgareements that you can find common ground on.

Good luck…marriage ain’t always easy. :o*


#10

How do you talk to/with you husband?

For instance, when you want him to do something, how do you ask him?

Fact of life: men want to feel in charge in control (even though in reality it is the women who are in charge/in control)

As an example, don’t say ‘do this’ say, ‘I would love it if you did this for me…’


#11

[quote="kristacecilia, post:5, topic:200214"]
Maybe I am weird, but I don't think the fighting ever really stops.

When you have two flawed human beings living with one another and interacting on a daily basis, you are bound to rub each other the wrong way. Both parties are not always going to be able to be patient, kind, and understanding.

We shoudl always strive for that, yes. For sure.

DH and I have been married seven years and we still fight. Our fighting has changed. Now I would say it's more like arguing. We have a disagreement several times a week probably. We have a full fledged fight maybe once every two or three months. Usually becasue one of us is overly emotional and overtired and the other one doesn't want to to be sympathetic and understanding.

I don't think it will ever go away, but I sincerely hope we both become more patient, kind, and understanding over time.

[/quote]

After 12 years of marriage, me and hubby still fight on occasion. Maybe once a year its a huge one.

One of my mom's friends has been married for over 50 years and they have always fought, always. But they have one of the strongest marriages I know.

I would be uncomfortable if we didn't fight.


#12

I'm trying to remember the last time we had a fight and I can't. It's just not what we do. We talk about everything, we don't always agree, but we don't fight. I can't stay mad at him, I love him too much!


#13

[quote="prolifewife, post:1, topic:200214"]
I had fight with my hubby today. :( I HATE fights/arguing/disagreements whatever you call them I hate them. Our fights are much less frequent than they used to be, which seemed like several times a day in the beginning. They are maybe only a few times a week or so now, but it feels like more because they hurt so much more because we really have grown more in love over the years. Does that even make sense? :o

Will we ever grow out of this entirely? I HATE fighting. :(

[/quote]

I would give it some time also. I see that you are recently married. I have been married only 11 years, but in those first few months, boy did we fight a lot. Ours was not the typical marriage though, but I do believe in getting to know each other, you are bound to have some disagreements or arguments. I will pray for your marriage and hope it isn't more than just trouble with getting to know each others habits etc. Give it some time.;)

I also wanted to suggest praying together. The evil one is always out to ruin any marriage. Pray together.


#14

[quote="happymommy, post:12, topic:200214"]
I'm trying to remember the last time we had a fight and I can't. It's just not what we do. We talk about everything, we don't always agree, but we don't fight. I can't stay mad at him, I love him too much!

[/quote]

Same here. We talk. We disagree. We listen to both sides. Then we come to a compromise or another resolution.

I can count on one hand the number of times we've fought in nearly 7 years, and even then they were fights that lasted mere minutes, with quick apologies. I can't imagine fighting weekly.

I'm sorry, OP. Maybe you two need to learn how to communicate better. :(


#15

DH and I haven’t had a fight since we attended Retrouvaille last September. Yay! Before that we used to have a pretty big fight about once a month. We’ve been married for 4 years.


#16

[quote="prolifewife, post:1, topic:200214"]
I had fight with my hubby today. :( I HATE fights/arguing/disagreements whatever you call them I hate them. Our fights are much less frequent than they used to be, which seemed like several times a day in the beginning. They are maybe only a few times a week or so now, but it feels like more because they hurt so much more because we really have grown more in love over the years. Does that even make sense? :o

Will we ever grow out of this entirely? I HATE fighting. :(

[/quote]

I would suggest seeing a Catholic counselor. Fighting a few times a week is a lot of fighting in my mind, so perhaps counseling would help you two learn to communicate more effectively and kindly. Though it appears things are improving with fewer disagreements now with just over 4 years of marriage for you two, fighting/arguing/disagreeing seems to be something present throughout your marriage, so it seems to me that counseling can't hurt and might help a lot.


#17

We've definitely had our "rough patches", but over time you need to learn how to communicate more effectively with each other. You have to learn how your spouse deals with communication, frustration, misunderstandings, and forgiveness. Some people need to talk things out immediately, others need to walk away and think for a while and then come back to the discussion, but ultimately you and your spouse need to figure out what works best for you two together.

If you are unable to step back and look at your unique situation from the outside and analyze yourself and your spouse's behavior traits, then I highly suggest counseling of some form.


#18

[quote="Em_in_FL, post:17, topic:200214"]
We've definitely had our "rough patches", but over time you need to learn how to communicate more effectively with each other. You have to learn how your spouse deals with communication, frustration, misunderstandings, and forgiveness. Some people need to talk things out immediately, others need to walk away and think for a while and then come back to the discussion, but ultimately you and your spouse need to figure out what works best for you two together.

[/quote]

I think this is where we are. We are able to work through these issues on our own. We always make up with words...not with sex. ;) I guess we are both just strong willed and highly opinionated. My OCD can sometimes trigger his temper. Which makes me sensitive and only makes the OCD worse. Like I said, it has definitely improved. The fights are less frequent and don't last nearly as long. We are able to talk through them, even if we do need some alone time and space before we can do it. We are learning to make sacrifices based on each others temperaments and meet somewhere in the middle. We just can't seem to stop the argument/fighting before we get to this point. :(


#19

[quote="kristacecilia, post:5, topic:200214"]
Maybe I am weird, but I don't think the fighting ever really stops.

When you have two flawed human beings living with one another and interacting on a daily basis, you are bound to rub each other the wrong way. Both parties are not always going to be able to be patient, kind, and understanding. We should always strive for that, yes. For sure.DH and I have been married seven years and we still fight. Our fighting has changed. Now I would say it's more like arguing. We have a disagreement several times a week probably. We have a full fledged fight maybe once every two or three months. Usually becasue one of us is overly emotional and overtired and the other one doesn't want to to be sympathetic and understanding.I don't think it will ever go away, but I sincerely hope we both become more patient, kind, and understanding over time.

[/quote]

See this is what I figured, that this is somewhat normal in most marriages (we all can't be Mary and Joseph! :p). But it is and does get better. As long as it's getting better and not worse, I think we must be on the right track, no? :o

Edit to add: I think it should be known that my DH and I have been through in four years what most couples do not go through until their senior years (if they go through it at all.) Our stress levels are definitely higher than the average couple. So we are kinda high strung anyways. That's probably why we fight first, then talk sometimes. :o


#20

This is my experience, too, though sancta’s got 5 years on us!

prolifewife, I tend to think that frequent fighting are a sign of underlying communication issues or unhappiness. There are different communication techniques you can try to nip this kind of fighting in the bud.

One that was recommended to us at our pre-cana was a “daily temperature reading” where you take 15 minutes at the end of the day to sit with your spouse and see how their day has gone, affirm them, provide “news” from the day, and highlight one issue or problem you would like to discuss with them. You then discuss things calmly, within the time limits, and either reach a decision or decide to return to it later. You do not criticize, raise voices, etc., and neither person is allowed to walk away (no silent treatment!) during the 15 minutes.

Another option I just saw on Supernanny (hey, don’t knock the show, she gives some good advice!), is “3 in 30”. At the end of the day, husband and wife take 30 minutes with each other. Each one writes down 3 issues/problems/concerns to bring up with the other person. They either are points of information (“It frustrates me when you…”) or things that need to be worked out (“Can we talk about how much time you have been spending at work?”). Again, spouses do not criticize or raise voices, and all three issues that each spouse brings up are discussed. If topics are too heavy to finish at that time, set a time to discuss them soon and set guidelines for how that discussion will go. At the end of the 30 minutes (set a timer if you need to!), they let go of what was said and shred the paper on which they wrote down their 3 things.

The common thread in both of these techniques is that they set ground rules for communication between a husband and wife. In both of these, you save all of your major criticisms of the other person or disagreements with choices until your “set” time to discuss them amicably. This is so helpful when communication in marriage becomes “out of control” and manifests in fighting that results in hurt feelings and distance between spouses.

It’s important to set overall ground rules for marital communication, too. Each spouse needs to agree to these. For example, “no giving the silent treatment,” “no yelling/be respectful,” “affirm before you criticize,” “always use ‘we’ instead of ‘I’,” etc. There are many resources on this topic all over the web and in print.

God bless!


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