Married 10 days and lost


#1

Hello I need some advise. I dated my wife for 2 years prior to getting engaged and we got married on april16th over a week ago. I had jitters for a few days prior and we fought alot for a few weeks prior over wedding stuff and other things. We are blending families I have a 5 y/o son and she has a 16, 21 and 23 year old.

We have been fighting since the marriage over merging the houses and families. we had a huge fight over moving and she told me she made a huge mistake in marrying me and was done i left her house with an empty uhaul truck and hurt beyond belief how can she say that 10 days after our wedding. When we talked lastnight after not seeing her on easter. she said she wants to do counseling which is great but wants her kids involved so they can see what our issues are and let them determine if we should make this a go or call it quites. She will not tell me she loves me and when i aks she says she will not say it until we fix our issue of fighting over moving. I think this is getting blown out of proportion and she has mentioned divorce as well im scared and dont want to lose my wife and new family but also dont want her to hold her love from me. What do I do?


#2

Were you married in the Church? Had you both been previously married? Receive decrees of nullity? Are you both Catholics?

What preparation did you with the priest related to preparing for marriage, blending the families, and the moving issues before the wedding? What sort of premarital counseling did you have?

This whole things sounds highly suspect.

Why would all this suddenly be an issue?
Why would she want her adult children involved in your personal issues? That is not appropriate.
Why is she threatening divorce only 10 days after marrying you?
**
Go see your priest. ASAP.**


#3

Keep the kids out of it. See your priest immediately. God bless you both and you will both be in my prayers.


#4

Well, first off I will say that all newly married couples have some early troubles with adjusting to living together for the first time. It's magnified when you have kids involved, so it's not expected to have some stress in the beginining. Sometimes people find that they don't know each other quite as good as they think they do and it takes a bit more adjustment to get used to it.

However, it seems that something has gone a little further here.

Have you talked to her about what the root cause of this is? I mean moving is rough when you have kids involved. Did you allow her to have say in the decision? Did she seem happy with the move? If not did you try to find out what would made it better for her? I understand there are limits finincaially and probably geographically but what part about moving did she have problems with?

I admit my wife and I had some troubles in the beginning because she owned a house, I rented an appartment. I moved into her house when we got married and it was rough in the beginning because she was very territorial about everything. So, I didn't feel at home and didn't feel like I had any space that belong to me. I was at home but not MY HOME. We clashed a bit over how the house should be cleaned, sharing things, where my stuff should go...ect. We never walked out on each other though but there were certainly unpleasant times.

Now it's been better than ever and we've gotten past things and have been married comming up on 5 years.

I would definitely talk with a priest and see what can be done. I , however, think that it would be a huge mistake to include the kids in the counseling. IMO, it's OK to talk to the kids about the troubles you are having but I think it's too much for kids to observe all of what could go on in a counseling session.


#5

to answer some questions you all had .

Yes we both were married before she was married for 19 years me for 5. we got it anulled and . pre marriage counseling went well we all know what we were getting our selves into and things were great. fianances seemed to be inline. week prior to wedding. she was distant and was very stressed i attributed it to the wedding . After we got married, Her older children offered to watch my son their new brother while we were abway for a few days. My new wife said her kids are never to watch my son again as this is not their responsibility and if he needs to be watched he has a bio mom and other family to do so not her children and not her. ( though they offered it and I thought it was a great idea being new siblings an all).
she makes it sound my son si aburden maybe in reading into it. as for the house she rents a small home I have a 4 year old house to allow for all of us to live together. she says her kids are moving into my house its not a seperation thing all is one now we are married

fiancially we will be ok but we cant afford to buy another home in the michigan market and i bought this hom sepcifically for us 2 years ago knowing in my heart i was going to marry her


#6

Do not worry too much about "how can anyone say that"? People say many things in stressful times that they wish later that they had not said, but rash speech can be worked on. Rather, worry about whether or not it was a durable sentiment: that is, whether or not she has really had the door open and one foot out of it from the outset. Do her outbursts reflect a true readiness to abandon you, or is this no more than her thoughtless way of expressing a habitually Chicken Little reaction to stress? She may only be prone to hyperbole. It is not acceptable, but it is something you can work through, if you have the security that she isn't really going anywhere when she talks like that. Go see a priest or Catholic counsellor on your own, so you can work out whether this is a new development in her or a more or less predictable result of combining her temperament with the considerable stress of combining two households. Then decide what is the wisest course of action with regards to your marriage.

A lack of intent to stay forever is an impediment to valid marriage. If she is ready to throw in the towel when better turns to worse, instead of prone to hyperbole, that is a real problem, a ticking time bomb which makes the question of failure is not "if" but "when". Talk about that with someone who handles that kind of question professionally and from professional experience, though, and don't form an opinion based on the kind of general ideas you can get here. As for whether to include other family members in counselling, take the counsellor's suggestion until you've tried it.

Let me suggest that it is time to refer to all four of the young men in your family at all times as "our sons", even if your wife doesn't do that. As for what arrangements need to be made for your youngest son in the future, appreciate that your new wife may be aware that your older sons are not the best caretakers for the younger boy, but can't bring herself to criticize those older sons' fitness to you directly. Rather, after realizing that they were either unfit or unwilling to take on the job, she may have protectively decided that it is "unrealistic" or "unfair" for anyone their age to take on that responsibility. This is the kind of thing that a mother might do when she has given birth to all four young men. Choose to chalk it up to that. Don't make it into an issue of "us" vs. "them" unless it is impossible to do otherwise, and especially not in front of your youngest son.

On the moving, if you can take a bit of time to do it, try to do that. It is better not to make a forced march out of combining households, when that can be managed.


#7

Red flags and alarm bells are going off all over the place.


#8

Your wife definitely has unresolved issues here. It sounds like she went along with everything up until a week before the wedding when it hit her that she was entering into a marriage she wasn’t really ready for. She is reacting like this because she is afraid–probably of giving herself to a relationship and getting hurt again. It’s not really about houses or children or money–it’s about her feelings. Women won’t come right out and say they are afraid they’re making a mistake–especially if they feel they will be disappointing others if they express their feelings. So, the whole thing sat, boiling inside and simply exploded after having “done the deed” and being unable to back out. She’s simply afraid. You two need to see a counselor ASAP to sort all this out. You and your family have my prayers. :crossrc:


#9

I agree - There are obviously a LOT of issues going on here.
Frankly, I think she is looking for an out.

My honest opinion is to seperate, get councilling for you two only. Her kids have no business being in the councilling with you.

But if this is not going to work, better seperate now.
Then later, if the counciling does not work out, and you end the marriage, you will have a better chance of receiving an annulment (IMHO).

Peace
James


#10

Thanks everyone I just got a call from her … Sorry a text about ten minutes ago that she has secodn thoguhts and she has made a mistake she loves me, but did not realize after we tied the knot how much her idea of marriage changed she did not go into anymore detail but saying i am sorry she loves me and hung up… Ugghhhhhh i am so not ready for this.


#11

It’s never too early for Retrouvaille. When we did our weekend, there were young newlyweds, second marriages like yours, blended families like yours, people who had been married for decades, and people who were currently divorced (like my husband and I). Look into it; you’ll be glad you did.

Also, I’d encourage your wife to take a look at the statistical success rates of second marriages, third marriages, etc. You’d think that past experience would make people better at keeping marriages together, but it’s quite the opposite. Hopefully you can work through this–two years together of successfully dating should be able to survive more than a few weeks of marriage!

Also, is it possible that introducing sex into your relationship is a possible stresser? You’re not only combining households, you are both engaging in sex for the first time in many years. Sex should be beautiful, but sometimes the baggage that we bring with us from previous sexual relationships mars our newfound marital sex.


#12

A cooling-off period might be in order. “Act in haste, repent at your leisure.”

You two did not rush into this, but have dated for two years. If this episode is out of character for her, then you might give her a chance to consider at leisure…but perhaps with no contact with you, no texts, no any of that, because she’s getting to the point that she’s saying more things than an “oops” down the line is going to fix. Tell her that if she needs to find someone professional to talk to, the two of you will figure out how to pay for that. IOW, you’re in it for the long haul, so handle this as a long-haul issue. Be a husband and support her during her meltdown, without making your own feelings into a doormat.

You can tell the kids, “Marrying two families is more of a shock than marrying two people. This is turning out to be harder than we had thought. We’re going to slow down on putting our stuff together and throwing our lives together. It is better to do it right slowly than to make a rush and do it badly, and hurt someone’s feelings. We’ve been two households for two years; we can handle two more weeks or two more months, or however long this takes.” (That’s not to say there can’t be a deadline to “fish or cut bait”, only that anything like that ought to be a private matter between you and your wife, and also subject to enough time to be cool-headed about it.)

You might schedule a Retrovaille weekend at the end of the cooling-off period, so you’ll have a dedicated time to talk and compare notes on your time of reflection. In fact, I think your new wife owes you a period of time like that in which the two of you get a chance to really talk this over. She is too far into this with you to pull a simple “oops, sorry, never mind.” You need to know what happened, from her point of view.

This could still work out fine; this is hardly an unusual situation for second-time newlyweds. Even if it isn’t going to work out fine, it is still worth calming down, nipping the drama in the bud, and looking toward your long-term needs and goals. Find yourself some support, hang in there, and don’t make the pictures in your imagination into facts. Let the facts unfold in their time. The patience will be hard, but it will pay off for you.


#13

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.