Married, but having problems with temptations


#1

Ok, so I got married a couple of months ago. I love my wife and enjoy being with her…

But I an having problems with a past issue. For some reason I am struggling to not look up porn and possibly masturbate. I used to have this problem and then stopped after I found out it was wrong a couple of years ago. But then I messed up a couple of tines before we got married (I guess it was hard having to wait, so I gave into that instead). I told her I would stop and that I’d have her then.

Yet I messed up again last nite. I looked up women and almost went to far nasturbating (I know I still Have to go to confession). I had gave in and looked up that stuff & masturbated a few weeks ago a couple of times as well. Yet I keep giving in and hurting her and myself. It starts out as a browse of something maybe with a possiblity of seeing something (college humor or google videos with words in them that could find something). Then a couple of hours later Im looking at women posing and stuff in naughty videos.

Anyone have any suggestions to help me. I feel bad every time, yet I can’t seem to stop myself…

Thanx!


#2

[quote="idontknow, post:1, topic:213643"]
Ok, so I got married a couple of months ago. I love my wife and enjoy being with her...

But I an having problems with a past issue. For some reason I am struggling to not look up porn and possibly masturbate. I used to have this problem and then stopped after I found out it was wrong a couple of years ago. But then I messed up a couple of tines before we got married (I guess it was hard having to wait, so I gave into that instead). I told her I would stop and that I'd have her then.

Yet I messed up again last nite. I looked up women and almost went to far nasturbating (I know I still Have to go to confession). I had gave in and looked up that stuff & masturbated a few weeks ago a couple of times as well. Yet I keep giving in and hurting her and myself. It starts out as a browse of something maybe with a possiblity of seeing something (college humor or google videos with words in them that could find something). Then a couple of hours later Im looking at women posing and stuff in naughty videos.

Anyone have any suggestions to help me. I feel bad every time, yet I can't seem to stop myself...

Thanx!

[/quote]

Such can be a problem for many ...as one can judge from shows on the subject on Catholic Answers radio....I saw there was one even just this month..so perhaps go listen to it....catholic.com/radio/calendar.php

Anyhow....yes make a perfect act of contrition and then get to confession as soon as possible...and continue to seek to follow Christ ...renewing your commitment and firm purpose of amendment (by the way I would not suggest talking per se with your wife...i would imagine such could hurt her...)...and with the grace of absolution ...follow Christ!

And perhaps get a regular confessor (who is of course faithful to the Church) and seek his counsel etc.

I would even suggest a nice short renewal of your rejecting the devil and all his works and renewing your baptismal promises each day.

Even a short "Lord Jesus Christ I renew my baptismal promises and will follow you as your disciple"

Also make sure you avoid near occasions for the sin...have a reasonable custody of the eyes and take good measures to block things out etc ....

But know this: Jesus Christ is the Good Shepherd and he loves you and will forgive you...and take you on his shoulders....

Take heart!


#3

Pray the Rosary every day and ask Our Blessed Mother to wrap you in her Mantle and protect you from Satan.
It is said that if you say this prayer every day it will help keep you safe.
Take my hand O’ blessed mother
Hold me firmly lest I fall
I grow nervous while walking and
Humbly on thee call

Guide me over every crossing
Watch me while I’m on the stairs
Let me know that your beside me
Listen to my fervent prayers.

Bring me to my destination
Safely along the way
Bless my every undertaking
And my duties for the day

And when evening creeps upon me
I’ll never fear to be alone
Once again O" Blessed Mother
Take my hand and lead me home.

What you are doing is hurting your wife very deepely and it could affect your marriage.
Go to weekely confession. That will help a lot and pray constantly. There is nothing like the power of prayer to fight Satan

Antrim


#4

As a woman, I would be quite offended if my spouse would not share something he was struggling with. Yes, I would be upset by hearing the problems he is having…as I have had to deal with this by my own spouse, but I think not talking to your wife about your problem is going to cause a much larger problem down the road if she were to find out on her own. We are supposed to be able to help our spouse get to heaven, right? If I don’t know about a possible occassion of sin that my spouse is struggling with, how can I help him help himself? Obviously I will pray, but I think being open and honest and up front from the beginning will serve you best in the end. IMO…I will keep you in my prayers for I know my own DH falls frequently.


#5

Aside from the advice already given, you mentioned that "It starts out as a browse of something maybe with a possiblity of seeing something". That's your near occasion of sin. You need to avoid going online in hopes that you see this or that.

Stop going on college humor or on Google video searches. Stay off the internet if you can. If you require it, then only go on the internet for work or during an emergency, or when you are really busy so you don't have time to linger online. Or make sure you're not alone when you are online on the computer.

If you have the computer in a private room, then only go on for work purposes, and as soon as the work is done, leave. If you need a break while working don't surf, go outside, do something. Go for a drive even, or a walk (it's at least healthy).

Be careful with the type of music you listen to as well, as some songs may arouse carnal desire.

But of all these things the first thing you need to do and the last thing you need to do is pray. Pray that God gives you strength and then in the end thank Him for doing so and ask Him to make you stronger. If you fail then say the "act of contrition", thank God that it wasn't worse than it was and resolve to change, and ask Him for the grace to change.


#6

[quote="Mamanurse, post:4, topic:213643"]
As a woman, I would be quite offended if my spouse would not share something he was struggling with. Yes, I would be upset by hearing the problems he is having.....as I have had to deal with this by my own spouse, but I think not talking to your wife about your problem is going to cause a much larger problem down the road if she were to find out on her own. We are supposed to be able to help our spouse get to heaven, right? If I don't know about a possible occassion of sin that my spouse is struggling with, how can I help him help himself? Obviously I will pray, but I think being open and honest and up front from the beginning will serve you best in the end. IMO.....I will keep you in my prayers for I know my own DH falls frequently.

[/quote]

It really depends on the Marriage...

Some matters are only needed in the confessional...

Even for spouses. So if it would hurt his wife more...it may be (I did not say one should never...again each marriage is different ...each person is different) better for the person not to mention it to his wife but seek the help of his Priest...this was what I was saying.

Each person knows his own spouse. Yes we seek to help each other get to heaven...but sins are not always to be confessed to ones spouse...that is matter for the confessional under the seal of confession. (that is why there is a nice private box :)...and a good reason why "confessions together of spouses" is forbidden...for one can only privately make confessions not as a couple...)

But again ..each marriage is different and some feel quite ready to discuss such things and the other can take it...other can not.

And such "confessing" to a spouse I imagine could do all sorts of negative things...even unconsciously to the marriage....hence I mentioned it.

But of course the person does need to confront the problem ...and seek for instance advice from his confessor etc....

Perhaps move the computer to a room where his wife will be... things like that :)


#7

You might consider looking into content filters for your browser. Depending which browser you use, you may be able to create a list of sites that are absolutely blocked. Fill the list with every inappropriate website you can think of.

It won't be bulletproof -- obviously you can always disable any protection that you put in place, but at least it gives you an impulse check, which is key.

Um, so I've heard. :o


#8

[quote="Bookcat, post:6, topic:213643"]
It really depends on the Marriage...

Some matters are only needed in the confessional...

Even for spouses. So if it would hurt his wife more...it may be (I did not say one should never...again each marriage is different ...each person is different) better for the person not to mention it to his wife but seek the help of his Priest...this was what I was saying.

Each person knows his own spouse. Yes we seek to help each other get to heaven...but sins are not always to be confessed to ones spouse...that is matter for the confessional under the seal of confession. (that is why there is a nice private box :)...and a good reason why "confessions together of spouses" is forbidden...for one can only privately make confessions not as a couple...)

But again ..each marriage is different and some feel quite ready to discuss such things and the other can take it...other can not.

And such "confessing" to a spouse I imagine could do all sorts of negative things...even unconsciously to the marriage....hence I mentioned it.

But of course the person does need to confront the problem ...and seek for instance advice from his confessor etc....

Perhaps move the computer to a room where his wife will be... things like that :)

[/quote]

Ok, I get what you are trying to say, but what are you suggesting someone do if they acutally cheat on their spouse? keep it to themselves and priest?? Having a problem with porn and masturbation is nearly the same as cheating, in my opinion. :shrug:


#9

If my wife cheated on me, I sure wouldn't want to know about it.


#10

Yes it is a form of adultery (of thought …) …

but such telling a spouse that one looked at pornography can be very hurtful to the spouse (so I have heard).

What is said in confession is only for God. And if a person would hurt the spouse further by revealing such a sin to them as looking at pornography …that could have very deep “undermining effects” on the person of the spouse …that would for example cause deep hurt that would make her draw conclusions that she should not draw…yes is can be better to keep it in the confessional (and repent of course) (and suffer it themselves…)

…for the sake of love of spouse…


#11

I'd like to offer a slightly different take on this.

I'm seeing here the same advice as on a lot of porn/masturbation threads, which can be characterized as "pray and avoid the near occasion of sin."

That's fine, but I'd add something more.

I watched a good documentary a few months back, chronicling men who were addicted to porn. What struck me most was what abject LOSERS these guys were: living in parents' basments; unemployed or undereployed; spending what few dollars they came by on porn; and, most glaringly, never once appearing to have normal relationships with women or even other men (friends), etc.

Lesson: That's what porn does to a person.

Masturbating is porn on steroids -- it replaces a normal physical relationship the same way porn does, to an exponentially greater factor. Watching porn perverts involvement in a healthy relationship; it objectivizes women; etc. Masturbating is worse; it puts you in the role of being a creator of the porn you watch; phrased differently, you cease being a viewer and become a participant.

Now a man must ask himself: Is that the sort of man you want to be? Is that the sort of man you want your wife married to? Is that the sort of man you want your parents to have raised?

Me neither.

-VdT


#12

[quote="VonDerTann, post:11, topic:213643"]
I'd like to offer a slightly different take on this.

I'm seeing here the same advice as on a lot of porn/masturbation threads, which can be characterized as "pray and avoid the near occasion of sin."

That's fine, but I'd add something more.

I watched a good documentary a few months back, chronicling men who were addicted to porn. What struck me most was what abject LOSERS these guys were: living in parents' basments; unemployed or undereployed; spending what few dollars they came by on porn; and, most glaringly, never once appearing to have normal relationships with women or even other men (friends), etc.

Lesson: That's what porn does to a person.

Masturbating is porn on steroids -- it replaces a normal physical relationship the same way porn does, to an exponentially greater factor. Watching porn perverts involvement in a healthy relationship; it objectivizes women; etc. Masturbating is worse; it puts you in the role of being a creator of the porn you watch; phrased differently, you cease being a viewer and become a participant.

Now a man must ask himself: Is that the sort of man you want to be? Is that the sort of man you want your wife married to? Is that the sort of man you want your parents to have raised?

Me neither.

-VdT

[/quote]

:thumbsup:


#13

[quote="Mamanurse, post:4, topic:213643"]
As a woman, I would be quite offended if my spouse would not share something he was struggling with. Yes, I would be upset by hearing the problems he is having.....as I have had to deal with this by my own spouse, but I think not talking to your wife about your problem is going to cause a much larger problem down the road if she were to find out on her own. We are supposed to be able to help our spouse get to heaven, right? If I don't know about a possible occassion of sin that my spouse is struggling with, how can I help him help himself? Obviously I will pray, but I think being open and honest and up front from the beginning will serve you best in the end. IMO.....I will keep you in my prayers for I know my own DH falls frequently.

[/quote]

I couldn't lie to my Wife (And i would NEVER actually cheat on her. I could never be with someone else). I tell her everything, even though this hurts her. I feel terrible, yet I can't seem to completely stop myself. I know I need to be Stronger, but sometimes it doesn't matter (I want it to).


#14

Well, in some ways that makes it easier to put some technological impulse checks in place. Either enable your browser's content filter, or purchase a product from a company such as bsecure.com. Have your wife set a password.

Pray, pray, pray.

Feel free to drop me a PM if you need help on the tech angle.


#15

Hi!!! I just wanted to let you know I will pray for you because I totally understand how difficult it is to avoid temptation wherever and whoever you are! I am no longer married - I have been divorced for many years and am now discerning Vocations and trying to be perfect for GOD! I have been practicing celibacy and abstinence for the past few months and it has been going pretty good EXCEPT...

I went to a Church festival a few weeks ago and was talking to a few certain men who work at that Church and it was pleasant and I thought nothing of it! Unfortunately the Church was in a somewhat seedy neighborhood and as I was driving home a couple decided to perform a lewd act under the street lights right off a main street (the police saw it first and beeped their horn, which is what unfortunately brought my attention to this!) Soooo...I get home, start thinking about those certain men at the Church and about the lewd act and needless to say I had to fight major temptation against masturbation and every other unclean thought and act!

So after this lengthy story, I just want to offer my support, friend, because it seems no one is exempt from Satan's silly temptations! These are just tests of our faith - so please just PRAY!!! And I will pray for all of you as well!!! GOD BLESS!!!:p:):o


#16

[quote="idontknow, post:13, topic:213643"]
I couldn't lie to my Wife (And i would NEVER actually cheat on her. I could never be with someone else). I tell her everything, even though this hurts her. I feel terrible, yet I can't seem to completely stop myself. I know I need to be Stronger, but sometimes it doesn't matter (I want it to).

[/quote]

The best thing you can do, is stop it at the source. I don't mean browsing on the web looking for college humor vids or anything, I mean browsing the web at all! Avoid using the computer whenever possible, and when you do use it, do so without secrecy. Move the computer to the most open and obvious place possible.


#17

You are not alone! Many of us have been there, and hurt our spouses in the process. Just having my wife know about my struggles is a great help. The more I talk to her about it, the less I feel inclined to that particular temptation.

We tend to think of the temptation to pornography as just one more temptation against chastity, but there are powerful physiological elements at work that make it more intense. It becomes an addictive behavior because of the intense pleasure of completed arousal associated with the image. Even the shame in viewing becomes an enticement to view--the shame adds a certain element of excitement to the culmination of the act.

Every spiritual writer advises self-denial, especially fasting in order to overcome the temptation. Tanquerey, in his book The Spiritual Life gives good practical advice. But it is not enough. You need an accountability partner/group. Your wife is good support, but other men who actively struggle with the same temptation will give you a different perspective and an added support. See if there is a St. Joseph's Freedom Group in your area. If not, maybe you can start one. Check out who does it hurt dot com.

God bless!


#18

If you have time to jump on these sites maybe you should jump into a mens group like KofC where you will get all of the support you need.


#19

[quote="idontknow, post:1, topic:213643"]
Ok, so I got married a couple of months ago. I love my wife and enjoy being with her...

But I an having problems with a past issue. For some reason I am struggling to not look up porn and possibly masturbate. I used to have this problem and then stopped after I found out it was wrong a couple of years ago. But then I messed up a couple of tines before we got married (I guess it was hard having to wait, so I gave into that instead). I told her I would stop and that I'd have her then.

Yet I messed up again last nite. I looked up women and almost went to far nasturbating (I know I still Have to go to confession). I had gave in and looked up that stuff & masturbated a few weeks ago a couple of times as well. Yet I keep giving in and hurting her and myself. It starts out as a browse of something maybe with a possiblity of seeing something (college humor or google videos with words in them that could find something). Then a couple of hours later Im looking at women posing and stuff in naughty videos.

Anyone have any suggestions to help me. I feel bad every time, yet I can't seem to stop myself...

Thanx!

[/quote]

I suggest you get the book EVERY MAN'S BATTLE immediately!

Good Luck!

This is what broke up my marriage and our family BTW. First it was magazines, then internet porn, then movies, then fully nude strip clubs, then a full on affair with a stripper. Stop NOW~~~it's only a downward spiral. Seek help. Read that book now!!!! You can overcome if you start now friend. BE a Godly man. You know where my husband is now? Unemployed, living in his parents' basement, lost my respect and the respect of our kids, of our whole families, he's totally pitiful.


#20

It sounds to me like your wife isnt fulfillig your sexual needs. This is unhealthy. In a marriage, you should be have physical relations. If you are, then why would you feel the need to look at porn? Has this made your wife feel shes not good enough? I don't understand how she isn't enough to fulfill your needs that you feel the need to look at other girls online.


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