Married but living separately...

I just came across this article: msnbc.msn.com/id/21369007/

45% of people voted that they could never do this; 45% voted they would love it. I am in utter disbelief that so many would like to be married but live in a different home than their spouse. Wouldn’t they get tired of driving back and forth, for one?

Many, many years ago we lived near an elderly couple who couldn’t live together but also didn’t want to be apart. They bought two mobile homes and parked them side by side. She had her home and he had his. It seemed strange but it worked for them.

My bachelor’s degree is in Family Sociology, and this article blew me away! :smiley: Guess I need to get back into researching and visit my university library more often.

I was just talking to my hubby about this very thing a few hours ago, and how odd it is. Part of the excitement in getting married, for us anyway, is sharing living space. It’s also very difficult when, on the rare occasion, he’s away overnight for job stuff… I miss him too much.

Apparently, these feelings aren’t as “normal” as I once believed them to be.

**I started to read the article, got half way through, then felt sick.

What ever happened to commitment and compromise? Our society is so full of selfish attitudes that now even living with a spouse has become an inconvenience too great to bear. How poorly must one view the Sacrament of Marriage in order to reduce it to such a new low?

Sure there are stats of married couples living apart, but I doubt that all of them WANT that arrangement. Many couples are forced to live apart for periods of time (jobs, illness, etc) but I’m sure most don’t enjoy it.

My hubby is in the military… while he has not been away as much as his American counterparts, he has been away enough for me to know that living separately from him would be a nightmare. Do I enjoy having the bed all to myself once in awhile? Sure! A night without his snoring waking me up? Definitely! Doing things my own way and whenever I feel like it? Absolutely! But I also love having him around. He is my hubby, the love of my life. So I sacrifice and he sacrifices and we make it work…out of LOVE. And most importantly, our DD gets to see that her mommy and daddy are devoted to eachother, day AND night.

I feel like we don’t get enough time together as a family now…I can’t imagine having separate residences. :eek:

malia**

Sounds like they see marriage as a convenience or inconvenience rather than a sacrament. —KCT

These are not marriages. There’s no sacrifice, no selflessness, no compromise, no tolerance. Maybe all it’s good for is to get a tax break or something.

That’s the impression I got too.


"I love you, BUT I don’t want to:
change for you
accomodate you
share sorrows with you
sacrafice with/for you"


It’s really rather sad. I have no doubt that the writer does indeed love her husband and he may indeed love her too. And I agree with her that fidelity is not dependent on proximity of the spouse.


However, her husband is missing all those many bonding moments. Those 2 am feedings and puke sessions are the moments when you not only have to love completely and selflessly - they are the moments when you bond very deeply.


She writes that they find each other “essential”, but I don’t get the feeling they are unitfied in any way. The two have most certainly not become one.


I find my own dh essential too. Not just as an indivudal person I love, but just as essential as my own limbs. I could probably adjust to being seperated from him. But I’d no sooner choose to do that to our marriage than I’d choose to cut off my right arm.


**It seems like they both entered the marriage by cutting emotional/spiritual limbs off.:frowning: **


**And what a deal her man got, btw! Talk about sexist! He comes over for dinner, stays until the kids go to sleep unless he’d like some nookie - then he leaves?! You gotta be kidding me. I think the kids should stay with him 24/7 and let mom come over for dinner and nookie when she’s in the mood.:rolleyes: **

Why does this surprise anyone in our “use and throw away” world? Where “starter husbands” are being discussed. Books on how to properly deny having affairs are celebrated?

No. Commitment isn’t what it used to be.

I know a retired couple that belittle each other as quickly and easily as breathing. I don’t even know if they actually think about it, anymore… Her solution? Have him get a job so he’s not around to “bother her” all day. For them, and those like them, the idea of living separately won’t sound like such a bad idea…

I agree, it’s sad.

happens all the time and people and marriages survive
military families where one or both spouses are deployed for long periods of time, yet maintain intact marriages and families

families where one spouse is gone for business travel or commitments, such as a resident who “lives” at the hospital for long stretches of time, or oil rig workers who live off-shore for months at a time, or on overseas assignments

a commited marriage graced by Christ’s sacramental presence has love to withstand such separations. those who live separately by choice, without an outside necessity, have issues they have refused to deal with, largely I surmise because they have been acting in ways that shut Christ out of the marriage.

Its also on msnbc the crowd there tends to be a little more liberal on issues like this. Do the same poll on fox news you will get a completly different result. Sad no doubt, but the poll is kinda dumb, it just doesnt seem to make sense even in our screwed up country for it to to be this evenly split.

But it does show the growing trend of throwing everything traditional out the window.

This sort of thing happened in Rome at some points in their history(i wish I could remember my teacher, he teaches latin and classics, was talking about this the other day). Where the richer people in society (mid class and wealthy) did not marry or when they did, they did not cohabitate out of selfish motivations. It just shows the decline of morals, traditional grounding places in life, and in deed our culture.

There is more intimacy when you share the same space. Her attitude is annoying because she makes presumptions about “traditional” marriage arrangements while decrying the presumptions made about her lifestyle. Furthermore, she’s selfish, he’s selfish, and the only reason they’ve lasted as long as they have is their shared smugness at the novelty of their selfish rendition of marriage. I feel more in love with my husband as I change to accommodate him and just stop sniping about the things that he refuses to change that used to seem so aggravating. You find out what’s important when you learn to live together. There’s also more to being a father than being there for supper, important though that is. When you’re awakened at 3am by a toddler with night terrors and you endure an exhausting next day because of it, it’s a loving sacrifice. A parent should be “bothered” by the inconveniences of his children and spouses should change for each other’s happinesses. My MIL lived with us for a time and I even changed to make her more comfortable. Just because a selfish marriage of convenience can work doesn’t mean it’s right. Open marriages have worked and they’re not right.

Honestly this sounds like they are still dating and just play house when it is convient to them. Like for medical benefits and sex…

I don’t buy the excuse we have two great apartments and it would cost more to live in one or his stuff annoys me. Tons of people in NY get married and merge their lives together. It’s what you do when you are married. You get rid of stuff and you make sacrfices to be with each other.

Also why does he need two pianos? You can’t play more than one at a time.

I suppose it’s preferable to divorce, but one wonders why they chose to marry each other in the first place if they are so incompatible. :confused:

Well, who am I to criticise people, but it doesn’t look like it’s all that healthy. It looks more like a limited marriage, a limited level of union.

Certainly, with the kind of personality I have, I’ll need some time on my own, away from people… In fact, I can go on writing for many hours without talking to anyone, which isn’t going to diminish when I move up the academic ladder and become a professor one day. In fact, I could easily imagine sleeping over at work. But having two separate residences? Err. Come on. If I’m going to marry, I want a lady of my house, not a visitor. :stuck_out_tongue:

Hello all,

I am ready to tell my husband that he can go live somewhere else.

He thinks that his efforts and input into the family structure are merely to provide financial support. He offers no help in the morning getting them up, fed, dressed and off to school. His day is done when he comes home from works and spends his time on the interent with his internet buddies, ignoring our 4 children until it is time for bed. Then he will say a quick goodnight prayer with them and goes back to the internet.

If by providing his financial support is his idea of fullfilling his familia responsibilites and expectations, he most certainly can provide that by living somewhere else.

What do I get out of it? Peace. It would be more fustrating to have him at home ignoring everything

So yeah…I can see why some couples prefer it. Do I think it is right…absolutely not…

Sorry I vented, thank you for listening.

I know living separately would drive me crazy. I dated a guy in the military, and it drove me nuts not being able to see him when I needed him. My best friend is married to a military officer, and I know I couldn’t be married and sleep alone every night. Doing it by choice? No, I don’t think I could do that.

I know living separately would drive me crazy. I dated a guy in the military, and it drove me nuts not being able to see him when I needed him. My best friend is married to a military officer, and I know I couldn’t be married and sleep alone every night. Doing it by choice? No, I don’t think I could do that.

MsOKing, I’m sorry to hear you’re in a tough situation. My prayers will be with you. Feel free to vent anytime you need to.

Hello to all,

Thank you for your prayers, Just Wondering. I need them so much at this time. My husband needs them too!

Yeah it is a tough situation.

We have been blessed with 4 beautiful children. They are wonderful, and bring me lots of joy.

I am a stay at home mom and work about 20 hours a week, and love to do what I do. I love being a Mom.

I do have expectations of him. Is it wrong of me to have those expectations? Someone once told me to rid myself of expections and I would never become disappointed or angry. What kind of advice is that?

When we went to premarital counseling 11 years ago, I told him one of my fears was that I was going to be the one to do it all. Even though he assurred me he would help, my predictions of being responsible and taking care of everything is ringing true.

I cannot free him of expectations because I would be enabling him to be irresponsible and selfish.

I think people who are married and living separately are only being brutally honest about themselves and their expectations of eachother in a marriage situation. If they both agree on their expections then it is a perfect match for them.

Marriage is not just about love. Its easy to be married during the honeymoon stage. After that stage is over, and the kids come, reality sets in and the work of marriage sets in. That’s really the true test of marriage. How much is each partner willing to sacrafice, comprimise, give equally, share responsibilities. It is a team.

My husband thinks by going to work everyday and paying the bills is all that he needs to do. That is his share, that is his idea of giving equally and sharing responsiblities. As I said before, he can fulfill that by living somewhere else.

My team is one sided, and I am getting burnt out! I cannot keep up will everything. and he does not offer to help, does not see what needs to be done when I get behind. He wants to talk about only things that are interesting to him…not day to day stuff…he gets bored with that. He is here physically, but mentally he is somewhere else. And to top it all off he asked about a month ago if we could consider having another child!

Sorry, I vented again, I guess my point is that if 2 people are brutally honest about their expectations of marriage, and if living separate is one of them, that is their business. If they can be faithful to their vows that way, that is great. To Love, Honor, and Cherrish…I think you can do that by living separately.

I Love, Honor, and Cherrish my friend, but I certainly wouldn’t want to live with her!

The only thing that scares me about living separate is that marriage, like any relationship, is in a contant state of growth and change. What happens when one of the spouces, after 5 years of living separate, decides they want to move in together and the other does not. THen What?

My husband and I no longer live in the same household. We have stayed married because we believe in our vows, and our commitment to each other. We are in our second marriages (both of us were married civilly but not sacramentally previously) and he has a grown son who is mentally ill and unable to live alone (or in the same house as me). Our solution is that we live apart. We go to church together, and see each other occasionally, but certainly not as often as we would if we lived in the same home. What I want to know is whether there is actual sin attached to a married couple living separately under any circumstances; what those circumstances would be; and what would the sin be?

Hello, you really should start a thread of your own. This one has not been active since 2007!
You may get some answers on a thread of your own as well.

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