Married to Myself


#1

Still feeling alone and on my own since the birth of my daughter in April. My husband and I have had our ups and downs before she was born, but I feel even more estranged from him now. Please tell me if it is normal to see your husband maybe 2 hours per night - he comes home and gardens outside - picks up our daughter for 1/2 hour - goes back outside - picks her up a bit longer - falls asleep and I'm sitting here by myself. If I am out of line, please let me know. Maybe I am too needy. Then, he "jokes" about needing an outlet for himself and going to a bar once in a while with a friend or going fishing. How much more distance can he put between us when I barely see him at all?

Still no intimacy to the point that I don't believe him when he says I Love You or flirts with me. I'm just too jaded now. Don't know how much praying I can do. Nothing changes, no matter how many times I address it with him.


#2

What exactly are you wanting from him that he doesn’t give you?


#3

Affection…before we got married, he promised so much of it. During and after the honeymoon, it was a complete change. It makes me feel ugly and unwanted. I waited until I got married to have sex and to accept that kind of intimacy from my husband. But, now that I’m married, I am starving for affection from him.


#4

You write that he says "I love you" and flirts with you. Do you flirt back? Maybe those affectionate things he says to you can be jumping-off points for further time together and affection.


#5

[quote="newmommy72, post:3, topic:239790"]
Affection...before we got married, he promised so much of it. During and after the honeymoon, it was a complete change. It makes me feel ugly and unwanted. I waited until I got married to have sex and to accept that kind of intimacy from my husband. But, now that I'm married, I am starving for affection from him.

[/quote]

newmommy, Do you mean sexual intimacy when you say affection or do you mean that you just want him to be with you more often and talk or do things together.


#6

[quote="newmommy72, post:1, topic:239790"]
Still feeling alone and on my own since the birth of my daughter in April. My husband and I have had our ups and downs before she was born, but I feel even more estranged from him now. Please tell me if it is normal to see your husband maybe 2 hours per night - he comes home and gardens outside - picks up our daughter for 1/2 hour - goes back outside - picks her up a bit longer - falls asleep and I'm sitting here by myself. If I am out of line, please let me know. Maybe I am too needy. Then, he "jokes" about needing an outlet for himself and going to a bar once in a while with a friend or going fishing. How much more distance can he put between us when I barely see him at all?

Still no intimacy to the point that I don't believe him when he says I Love You or flirts with me. I'm just too jaded now. Don't know how much praying I can do. Nothing changes, no matter how many times I address it with him.

[/quote]

First of all, congratulations! I think there are a few things to comment on here... I don't know how long you have been married or how long you were married before having your daughter. Your baby is SO new to you and it can feel overwhelming. Your husband may not know what to do or what he is expected to do. Some men are not comfortable with newborns. Ask for him to help while you are doing something for the baby or ask him to hold the baby more so you can take a shower when he comes home. You need some time alone too. But you are going to have to come right out and (nicely now,:blush:) ask for it by telling him what you need. He could just be clueless. Really. And so as long as you are taking care of the baby, he thinks he may as well go out and garden while it's still light out...

Next time he "jokes" that he needs time out, tell him that you need some too, but that you would like to spend it with HIM. Ask a relative to watch the baby and do something you used to like doing before you were married. You have to learn to make time for each other. Maybe when the weather gets better or the baby older you could go out and talk with him or help him while he gardens. Just sit near him while he works and the baby sleeps in her stroller.

As far as the intimacy issue... Don't talk about it anymore. If you have addressed it multiple times to no avail, try plan b. Either you encourage change and be the one that does something differently or perhaps counseling would help.

Having children is a big adjustment. It takes time. But life goes on, and life changes. Hang in there. Keep praying and know that we will listen and pray for you too.


#7

If I were you,I'd follow him out in the garden and FORCE some couple time on him! He'd probably like it!


#8

[quote="lovemyboys, post:7, topic:239790"]
If I were you,I'd follow him out in the garden and FORCE some couple time on him! He'd probably like it!

[/quote]

I agree. That's what I mentioned before. Shake it up before a habit sets in.
A new baby changes more than the size of your family. It can be a fresh start for everyone.


#9

I saw a Dr. Oz episode where a marriage expert said that what makes women happy in the evening is chatting. Unfortunately, what makes men happy are things like relaxing on the couch and watching tv. What does chatting do to men's brain? It exhausts them. Pretty depressing for those of us females who want some meaningful connection ever night!!


#10

Does he miss being single that he wants to hang out with the boys in the bar or go fishing? Parenting changes your lifestyle and priorities and he should know that. It's no longer about what he wants - it becomes what is good for the family and that includes personal sacrifices. I gave up a very good career to stay home with my children. Maybe hire a good sitter and make it a point to have date nights so that you can have alone time with him. Have a good conversation and ask him why he seems distant. No to be too personal, but how old is your DH?


#11

do a little something just for him. My husband and I went through a bad patch and I read in a home managment book to schedule in doing something for your husband, so I thoight, can't hurt! and started setting up the coffee maker so that when he woke up (alwaus much earlier than I) all he had to do was to push a button to get his coffee.

Amazing what a tiny thing like that can do, that was about 12 years ago and we are much better off relationship-wise and I still set up his coffee.


#12

Thanks to all of you for these helpful replies...unfortunately he made it rather clear right after we got married that he has a need for his space and time. He also recently told me that everyone notices that he has changed since we got married and not in a good way. How am I supposed to take that? To be blunt, before we got married, he promised sexual intimacy, he couldn't wait until he was with me full time and not just when we used to see each other on the weekends, and that he couldn't wait to have children. Now, he treats me like a leper (how should I flirt back if he has pushed me away for almost 2 years?) and he wants space. He spends all of his time now on his Blackberry. So, here I am on my computer. I can only force myself on him so much. And now that I'm home with my daughter (who is a blessing) and will probably end up quitting my job next week, he jokes that I do nothing all day. Jokes seem veiled as what he really feels. I'm just at a loss.
Please keep the prayers coming...:confused:


#13

[quote="newmommy72, post:12, topic:239790"]
Thanks to all of you for these helpful replies...unfortunately he made it rather clear right after we got married that he has a need for his space and time. He also recently told me that everyone notices that he has changed since we got married and not in a good way. How am I supposed to take that? To be blunt, before we got married, he promised sexual intimacy, he couldn't wait until he was with me full time and not just when we used to see each other on the weekends, and that he couldn't wait to have children. Now, he treats me like a leper (how should I flirt back if he has pushed me away for almost 2 years?) and he wants space. He spends all of his time now on his Blackberry. So, here I am on my computer. I can only force myself on him so much. And now that I'm home with my daughter (who is a blessing) and will probably end up quitting my job next week, he jokes that I do nothing all day. Jokes seem veiled as what he really feels. I'm just at a loss.
Please keep the prayers coming...:confused:

[/quote]

I guess it's much more serious than I originally realized. I think if I were you,I'd demand to know his true feelings. He sounds really passive-aggressive, and that's the worst. Dealing with truth is much easier than dealing with passive-aggressiveness and coldness. Praying for you!


#14

[quote="lovemyboys, post:13, topic:239790"]
I guess it's much more serious than I originally realized. I think if I were you,I'd demand to know his true feelings. He sounds really passive-aggressive, and that's the worst. Dealing with truth is much easier than dealing with passive-aggressiveness and coldness. Praying for you!

[/quote]

I agree.

I can understand a need for space and time; often being with people can exhaust me, but part of marriage is working these things out, not just acting like he's still single.

Is he also Catholic? Would he go with you to a priest or to Retrouville, which is like a weekend retreat that helps married people get back on the right track?

Also, sometimes when you know only one side of a story, it's hard to see the other side. I am always amazed when I hear both sides of a situation--you'd think that they were in completely different marriages. Not saying that you are wrong much less mistaken in what you are saying, but that sometimes the lack of knowledge causes us to misunderstand, and that goes for both directions. For example, some men take their wives's responsiveness to the children as a rejection, and the wife is just being a good mother--that sort of thing.


#15

Your marriage is a Sacrament and he needs to know that any behaviour that weakens the marriage is harmful to you both spiritually because if things don't get dealt with early on, there's more chance of you drifting further apart and since you're married in God's eyes, there's a duty to love and respect each other forever.

He's flirting which is good, it means he still has the physical attraction. And he's "joking" because he wants to make a point, in his own not-so-helpful way. But he's kind of communicating, which is good.

He's entitled to time with his friends, and so are you too; that's where the baby-sitter bit comes in. But only if you feel comfortable with having a baby-sitter.

Tell him you think it might be good if, say, once every two weeks, you both have a night out with friends or a fishing day-trip.

It's a shame he's gone back on his word re. sex, and that you now feel maybe resentful and humiliated. It's not very fair to promise a fiance lots of physical intimacy and then, after you having saved your virginity for him, to not have sex once you're married. You deserve to be cherished and to have sexual intimacy. But if this guy was just lying, that's gonna be a tough one.

If you find out that when he married you, he never actually had any intention of sharing much conjugal love with you, that's grounds for annulment. But that's jumping the gun a bit.

My advice would be to see your G.P. just to rule out post natal depression, then sit down with him and put your case on the table, and before he talks, remind him that it's a sin to lie!

And remind yourself that you are a precious child of God, and pray the Our Father daily.:)


#16

Do you go to church together? One suggestion is to plan to attend Sat evening mass and then have a date night.


#17

[quote="newmommy72, post:12, topic:239790"]
Thanks to all of you for these helpful replies...unfortunately he made it rather clear right after we got married that he has a need for his space and time.This is not really that odd. Most people have this need at some time during the day. It is unfortunate that he thinks his time is when he should be home with you and your child though. He also recently told me that everyone notices that he has changed since we got married and not in a good way. I wouldn't let this get to you. It sounds like something he may just be saying to get some kind of effect from you or he may be twisting their words to suit himself.How am I supposed to take that? To be blunt, before we got married, he promised sexual intimacy, he couldn't wait until he was with me full time and not just when we used to see each other on the weekends, and that he couldn't wait to have children. But that was because he had in his mind how he thought it would be. The reality is that real life is not always how we imagine it. Life goes on. People are tired, busy, preoccupied with work or yes, sometimes just wanting things their way and on their schedule. Now, he treats me like a leper (how should I flirt back if he has pushed me away for almost 2 years?) and he wants space. Is it possible that your husband is depressed? That can affect a person's drive and turn it in to pushing you away... The problem is that if you ask him outright, he may deny it. But if you ask him how work is going or about anything else that may be causing him to feel unhappy such as relatives or health issues etc., you may get a feel for what is going on. Don't assume that is you just because he may make you feel like it is. Sometimes people dump on the ones they love. It isn't right, but being able to recognize that he might be using you as an excuse to not get help with his own feelings might enable you to keep on flirting and trying to reach out to him. He spends all of his time now on his Blackberry. So, here I am on my computer. I can only force myself on him so much. And now that I'm home with my daughter (who is a blessing) and will probably end up quitting my job next week, he jokes that I do nothing all day. Joke back then that he should try doing what you do sometime, that you don't want to trade places, but that you don't think he is not giving you credit for what you are doing! Jokes seem veiled as what he really feels. I'm just at a loss.
Please keep the prayers coming...:confused:

[/quote]


#18

I feel for you, my dear. First of all, pray for him, and then pray for yourself.

Secondly, your baby is still new, your motherhood is still new, and it could be that he is having a tough time seeing you as both his wife and as the mother of his child. Do some small things for him here and there that show you remember what life was like before you got married. Sometimes men have a hard time seeing their wives as sexual people again after they have had a baby. Just a thought.

Also, your baby will never be more portable that she is right now! Do things on the weekends with your husband and take her along! Use a sling or other carrier, and just get OUT!

Give yourself time to get used to your new life, and give him time, too, and encourage him in small ways to share his day and his life.

Just adding to some of the other great ideas people have had.


#19

Would it help to show him this thread?


#20

I'm not married but if I were you I'd tell him how you feel. If he won't listen email him this thread. I can't even guess why he acting as he is but if you tell him how you feel at least he knows what's going on in your mind and it may help to relieve some of your pent up stress. I'll pray for you. :cool:


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.