I've been there. My problem was only resolved when she left me. Well, partially resolved, because the damage of the behaviour and the divorce continued, but at least I didn't have to live with her any more.
While I was still with her I never would have had the insight to make a post such as yours. I was just twisted around and around thinking it was all my fault (as she claimed) and with trying to make something of the life that she allowed me and the kids. I actually thought that she was a wonderful wife and mother!
I'm glad you posted. I hope that it is the start of some progress for you.
And, what Juliane said. :thumbsup: However, I know that my ex would not have allowed me to use relatives to provide the love and nurturing that she refused to give the kids. She would have seen through that ploy at a glance, and torn the roof down.
My advice: try to set some generous limits on how much damage she can do, and stick to those limits. If she goes against those limits, and she probably will, then consider divorce and application for custody. However, as you probably know, this person who doesn't want her children now will suddenly want them desperately when there's a battle over them, and will fight like a snake, and will win everyone, including the kids, to her side. So, be very careful in what limits you set, and keep mental note of how she transgresses them, so that you have a case when applying for custody. (one kind of 'limit" is insisting that agreements are kept. eg. if you agree that little Joey will attend scouts, then don't let her change her mind and stand in the way of Joey attending scouts).
So, I am suggesting a "defensive" position. Any attempt to change her will be counter-productive, but you must have rock solid defences. You must "circle the wagons" very tightly.
You might even like James Dobson's book Love Must Be Tough, (free pdf) . Its deals with how to handle an adulterous spouse, but it could also apply to "setting limits" respectfully on an erratic spouse.
You are in my prayers. You need it.
Oh, and keep praying desperately and keep going to Sunday Mass.
Remember that God still has plans for you and your children, and try to cooperate with Him, even when He seems distant.