"Marry Him!" in the Atlantic Monthly


#1

What do people think about the article in the Atlantic Monthly urging women to “settle?”

theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry


#2

She can have all the men who assume I’m supposed to marry or live with them. Where shall I direct them? Would she like to meet them in a public place? Maybe it could be a reality show. Why would I not like being single? When I try to imagine even a perfect marriage I get so freaked out I can’t stand it. Deciding I don’t have to get married was liberating in the original sense of the word.


#3

Interesting article!

My take is that we all want that special someone to come home to–I don’t believe you need to settle though. I took from that article, that in marriage, the best person to find is someone who ‘has your back,’ and who truly loves you–which goes beyond temporary fireworks. My dh and I had our share of fireworks in the beginning, ( and still do at times lol) But, he is someone who I knew was steadfast, would be loyal, and a good dad. I think the media paints this picture that we, as women, need to find the perfect man, but really, no one is perfect, and thus many women end up searching for the impossible. I’m not perfect, I wouldn’t expect my husband to be, either. I think being in a long lasting, loyal relationship takes commitment, and the fireworks are something that you both can continue to create together–but fidelity, commitment to God, etc…are priceless.


#4

I don’t understand something. Just because someone may not want to settle, it doesn’t mean that they want someone who is perfect either, let alone have unattainable expectations. Basically, all I want is someone whom I do have attraction to and would make a good Catholic leader of the household, and who has morals and values that are on the same, or similar enough, wavelength to mine. I’m sure that it’s a royal pain to find such a man.

I happened to be looking at the Dr. Phil show recently (I never watch it though, I just peeked at it) and when I see the horrible accounts of wrecked up marriages and little to no values being upheld in the marriage, I thought to myself, “and people think we should lower our standards. This is what we get for it.”

Marriage is a sacrament for LIFE. If we decide that our marriage partner was very wrong simply because we rushed into settling, and we divorce, we likely cannot remarry again. This is a very serious matter. We have to be very careful about the mates we pick, there’s too many “bad” people out there. If a divorce occurs, there is so much to lose from that.


#5

I think this entire article can be summed up in one word: secular

We must look to the mind of the Church regarding marriage, and then all of what she wrote becomes moot.


#6

Exactly! I was thinking that this is what marriage and family come down to when we take God out of the equation. Overall the article made me sad for the writer and her friends.

Of course romance novels, TV, and movies aren’t real life. We’ve allowed ourselves as a culture to paint a false picture of reality so that the wonderful gift that is life gets labeled as “settling.”


#7

I feel blessed after reading that article. I married very young and my parents frowned upon my husband because he was 12 years older than I; but we sure had sparks flying.
22 years later, we still have the passion as well as a bunch of children. I hate to brag, but my DH is the perfect man.


#8

I might add that there may not be such a thing as THE “perfect” man or THE “right” man but there is a man who God feels is right for us in spite of his flaws. Maybe it’s what makes it harder for a woman to find a man, than for a man to find a woman. In God’s eyes, the man is the leader of the family. It’s so important for the woman to pick the right man to lead the family. Likewise it is also very important for the man to pick the right woman who will be a good mother to the kids. It really goes both ways.


#9

Very interesting! She makes some good points. It is far easier for men to find themselves single and dating well into middle age than women~because they feel comfortable dating in a wider age range. Female friends of mine who are single/divorced say they can hardly find a date because men their age are dating women a decade, sometimes 15 years younger. To most women, that is not a particulaly appealing option.

I also think what she calls “settling” is really looking at the whole person and not just the passion/attraction of the first months of the relationship. Anyone you date is going to do something/have some shortcoming that makes him a "less-than-perfect match. The question really becomes is this a minor issue or a moral/character flaw? We can and do adapt to or “settle” into minor quirks, differences, tastes, preferences, etc. and still having amazing marriages, men/husbands of whom we are proud and with whom we are very satisfied and happy overall. BUT, I don’t think you can ever let serious moral/character lapses slide by and think you can build a happy or stable life or satisfying long-term relationship.


#10

“settle” at the altar now, settle in court later…

:wink:


#11

My parents are divorced. Yet my grandparents were happily married for 62 years before my grandfather passed. Their type of love and union was what I have searched for my entire life. I am now 36 years old and single. I always prided myself on not “settling” because the love that I searched for was a REAL, true genuine loving partnership. Unfortunately, people nowadays move on so quickly with a lack of loyalty toward one another and maybe this is because they all have been programed to do so because of the divorce rates. From what I witnessed with my grandparents, the love gets stronger through the years…through the bad times, the love grew deeper. Personally, there is no greater gift than the sanctity of marraige. I wish god would grant me a man to “SETTLE down with”. if it means settling now to be truly loved by someone…then yes, I indeed wish to settle. What she is saying is she just wants someone to love her in this crazy world.


#12

that’s another way of looking at it. Other people seem to have the right words I don’t.


#13

I think that everyone “settles” - I dont think that this is a bad thing nobody is perfect and we are unlikely to find ‘mr’ or ‘mrs’ perfect instead we are going to find a human being with faults and flaws and if a marriage is to work we need to accept this faults and settle for the person we fall in love with - people who have an idealised image of their partner are unlikely to ever be completely happy particularly in todays society where people seem to believe that they can change the bits of their significant other that they dont like! If we settle we are accepting what we have for better or for worse!

My h2b is by no means perfect and of course I have settled - he isnt a millionaire, he isnt a model, he certainly isnt royalty but I love him! Likewize Im not gorgeous or a perfect cook etc but we have ‘settled’ for each other! It doesnt have to be a bad thing its more about being realistic!!

We can wait for prince charming but thats no guarantee he will turn up!


#14

Had I married either of the two men i was officially engaged to, I might easily have committed suicide by now. As it is, I’m sitting joyfully in a little pad of my own, in a comfy chair, looking at decorations I love. I clean when I feel like it, knowing it will stay clean, go out with friends most days and have a great time accomplishing things I care about. No one nags me or plays with my head all the time. I can walk away from people who annoy me (except at work) and my life is full of important relationships.
I’m even healthier physically than when some man was sapping my energy. If I get married, it will have to be to someone who can consistently make me happier than having my own place makes me. I haven’t seen one so far.
We don’t do things that don’t give us any reward. That’s because we’re living creatures. Why get married to someone who doesn’t make us happy? What would we get out of it?


#15

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