Mary Magdalene is fed up


#1

This is a thread to vent but at this point in time I am fed up. I have a sexual past....not necessarilly becuase I desired to be a promiscous person or a wild girl but simply becuase I had a tough childhood, was exposed to porn from early, was raped, etc. and made bad chocies as part of the effect of that. I simply wanted to be loved. It has been 15 years since I discovered God and I have been walking out of all the effects of my past ever since. I have a good spiritual director, love Mass and Adoration and I am really trying to work out each day my salvation and the effects of earlier damage. I have now come to the point of realizing that even though God loves me and sees me as pure and is ready to accept me as I am and work with me to complete the healing - MEN AREN'T. I feel like all these years of trying to come to wholeness and healing are great for God but not good enough for man.

I am sick of people in the church preaching out redemption and forgiveness but when it comes down to brass tacks basically subtly judging me. I have seen people say things on this forum to the effect that any girl who has had a past is unift for marraige material becuase she couldn't hold on to her purity. So I guess becuase I have had a past, even though I am working it out I don't deserve the benefit of the doubt too?

I am even more sick of the guys in church when I reveal my past and show them who I am now, instead of covering me with grace and prayer, use it as an excuse to say, hmmm, she has been loose before let me see how much I can get.....And I am not talking about the people who attend just attend Mass occasionally either. i am talking about people who are music ministers, altar servers, people who are going to Mass and Adoration everyday and being held up as one of the few good men in Church...and in any given situation I have to be the one fending them off and saying no, I don't want to do this, I don't want to sin. In many cases, they keep coming and coming until I eventually am the one that weakens and we both fall. Where are the guys who will fight for a girl's purity, whether or not she has had a past?

At this point, I feel disillusioned with Catholic men where I live becuase they all are the same.They are the same as men in the wold and judge you the same.There is no Chrsitlike love that helps covers sin and extends grace, only if she fits my criterion for being the perfect Catholic wife and I feel like the only one who can love me despite all my sins is God. The rest can love me in the abstract Christian way but they certainly don't want me to be their wife or the mother of their children. I feel like there is no safe space in the Chruch for a woman like me and seriously wonder what is in store for me. Here endeth my rant (and no I am not cut out for religious life, I discerned THAT a long time ago)


#2

beloved,

you have been absolved. there is no reason to confess your past to any man UNLESS you have become close and there is a safe, trusting level of disclosure. even then, he NEVER needs numbers, situations, specifics etc.

here's maybe hope for you. i, too had a past. but it was, at least, partially apparent because i had children. (and they were not from a single relationship.)

still, a good man loved me, he had a strong sense that my conversion was real, trusted God and he married me.

twenty two years later, we are happy.

the devil want to use others' weaknesses to make you lose hope.

instead, you pray. thank God for your conversion, stay humble and grateful. you no longer have a past. in Him, your sins are as gone as east is from the west.

instead, you are a woman with a present-- the present grace of God's love now. and you're a woman with a future-- an eternity with God should you choose to remain in His love.

stay grateful stay prayerful. stay obedient. all will be well.


#3

St. Augustines response to Mary Magdelene. :cool:

Once again, I either don’t understand something or am missing the point.

Most catholic men I know (including me) wouldn’t care. I’m glad that you’ve learned from your mistakes in the past. Great! Good luck in the future…so, do we have other shared interests?

That’s really all I would care about. Shared interests, values, do we have a good time together, etc. I’m not distinct. Most of my friends are like that as well.


#4

[quote="Rascalking, post:3, topic:187044"]
St. Augustines response to Mary Magdelene. :cool:

Once again, I either don't understand something or am missing the point.

Most catholic men I know (including me) wouldn't care. I'm glad that you've learned from your mistakes in the past. Great! Good luck in the future...so, do we have other shared interests?

That's really all I would care about. Shared interests, values, do we have a good time together, etc. I'm not distinct. Most of my friends are like that as well.

[/quote]

Not in the Catholic culture here. When you get into the culture that is close to the Church...in ministry etc.....there is a judgement that goes on.


#5

thanks Monicatholic, I needed that. But it is hard when you keep encountering one Catholic guy after another with the same mentality.


#6

On behalf of all Catholics, let me apologise profusely that anyone calling themselves Catholic would make such horrible and hurtful comments. There is truly no excuse.

There is also no reason to lose hope.

I have four older sisters, all of whom have great husbands, two being Catholic men. Not to mention my parents and numerous in-laws who are also rock-solid Catholic couples. I also have a lovely friend who is a devout Baptist who recently married a lovely man of her own faith.

Trust me, none of these men are the type to give a hoot about any 'past' their wives may have had, nor dishonourable enough to see any woman who has a past as being any less a valued and valuable person :shrug: And none of the women either.

So rest assured that there are people out there who are not judging you - who would never dream of judging you, in fact.

Bear in mind also that Jesus Himself was misjudged - called a blasphemer, a drunkard and glutton, lots of other equally hurtful and untrue things. And what was his reaction? He told us that people who are calumniated against, and persecuted, who are mourners, are in fact especially blessed because they suffer for His sake.

And He told us to rejoice and be glad when we are misjudged, as we all are at different times and in different ways, because our reward will be great in heaven.


#7

I think that the fact that you are moving past what you did and trying to live the pure life is amazing. I have the same problem, just on the other side of the human condition. It is so very hard, and I am saddened to hear that people whom you confide in do not take the opportunity to help you be strong and be strong with you, but instead try to use you. I assure you that not all men are like that. I admire your courage in persevering. My prayers go with you in this matter, and I should be grateful if you gave a prayer or two for me similarly.


#8

I am sorry you are being treated so poorly. I waited for marriage and I always refused to date any woman with any kind of a past. It had nothing to do with judging anyone and was simply about finding the most compatible person.


#9

[quote="KostyaJMJ, post:8, topic:187044"]
I am sorry you are being treated so poorly. I waited for marriage and I always refused to date any woman with any kind of a past. It had nothing to do with judging anyone and was simply about finding the most compatible person.

[/quote]

Well unfortunately that is judgemntal, my dear. If Christ extends his greatness and his love to someone with a past to redeem them to the point where all vesitges of the past are gone, how come you can't? I thought marriage was not only about seeing who is compatible for you but how best you can help your spouse to heaven? And who is to say that simply because the lady in question may have a past she may not be compatible in every other way? How come everyone is so interested in the mate that they can get instead of discerning whether this is the person who Christ desires you to give sacrifical love to?


#10

I'm a Catholic man, and I am appalled by the way you've been treated! I'm sure you will be a wonderful Catholic wife and mother. Do not give up on Catholic men, we are not all like that.


#11

See? Two catholic dudes feel the same way…we are not all like that!

Thank you Harvard. Go Yale! :thumbsup:


#12

Belovedandbless,

I think a lot of young people today (and older people) have some sort of sexual past. However, don’t think that you have to share it with anyone, even if it is someone that you are dating! I don’t have a spotless record, either, but have done a lot of work at becoming a good Catholic over the past several years. My sexual sins are personal, in the past, and between myself and God. I would only tell people that while I don’t have a perfect past, I’m not having sex with anyone till I’m married. Leave it at that.


#13

Too much Arrrrrr! (It’s Havard :p)


#14

[quote="belovedandbless, post:9, topic:187044"]
Well unfortunately that is judgemntal, my dear. If Christ extends his greatness and his love to someone with a past to redeem them to the point where all vesitges of the past are gone, how come you can't? I thought marriage was not only about seeing who is compatible for you but how best you can help your spouse to heaven? And who is to say that simply because the lady in question may have a past she may not be compatible in every other way? How come everyone is so interested in the mate that they can get instead of discerning whether this is the person who Christ desires you to give sacrifical love to?

[/quote]

You have to judge who you can have a successful marriage using the brain God gave you. Judging in that way is not the same as judging how that person stands before God, which is something I would never do. There are a lot of fish in the sea and for every woman with a past who I'm compatible with there is another woman without a past who I'm just as compatible with.


#15

I guess that is why I worte this rant. After being involved with someone like you who was not open to being with a non-virign or having any kind of past,it is clear to see what I am talking about. using your brain mneas also that you consider whther or not the person has been truly converted. i tmeans exteneding grace to the person who has truly changed. I feel frsutrated when I meet persons like you bcuase I feel like I can’t win.While all of us are born with the same call to resist sin, not all of us are fortunate enough to be born into or raised in the best circumstances. I feel fed up becuase I always thought in Christ, it’s not only where you’ve been but who you are and where youare about to go. hearing you say the things you have said in a thread like this points exactly to the attitudes I have been complaining about, " I have not sinned, therefore I don’t want to associate with anybody who did" …sigh


#16

As a Catholic man I don’t necessarily agree. I can understand the idea of choosing a wife with whom you can have a successful marriage, but whether or not the woman has a past shouldn’t factor into the equation unless she hasn’t gotten over her past. If she hasn’t then that’s a different story, but if she has then this shouldn’t be a disqualifying factor. Everyone with a past deserves to be considered and loved.

I know you don’t mean to judge but I don’t really agree.

[EDIT] But after seeing your later post I see that I have judged your motives incorrectly. Please forgive me.


#17

[quote="belovedandbless, post:15, topic:187044"]
I guess that is why I worte this rant. After being involved with someone like you who was not open to being with a non-virign or having any kind of past,it is clear to see what I am talking about. using your brain mneas also that you consider whther or not the person has been truly converted. i tmeans exteneding grace to the person who has truly changed. I feel frsutrated when I meet persons like you bcuase I feel like I can't win.While all of us are born with the same call to resist sin, not all of us are fortunate enough to be born into or raised in the best circumstances. I feel fed up becuase I always thought in Christ, it's not only where you've been but who you are and where youare about to go. hearing you say the things you have said in a thread like this points exactly to the attitudes I have been complaining about, " I have not sinned, therefore I don't want to associate with anybody who did" ....sigh

[/quote]

I'm pretty sure I've caused a couple of girls to rant like that. I'm also pretty sure they were over it and on with their lives in a couple of days or maybe hours. It might be cruel but It's a lot better than letting them date someone who can't get over their past. I never wanted to be compared and I never wanted to have to live up to something that I would never be able to live up to. I'm not saying it is a positive trait but I've always been insecure and I would not be able to be in a romantic relationship with anyone with a checkered past.


#18

but I've always been insecure and I would not be able to be in a romantic relationship with anyone with a checkered past.

i dont wish to be unkind. and i dont wish to appear to exhibit some sort of convert bravado, but this statement would perhaps indicate that you are unprepared for any romantic relationship.

choosing a partner from an area of personal weakness is never a good idea.


#19

Amen dear, my thoughts exactly. I may have a past but basically I am secure in who I am and Whose I am.


#20

Why on God's green earth are you telling anyone the details of your past????

Once you are in a relationship, one should let the other know if they are a virgin or not.

Honey, are you a virgin

"No, I am not."

Well, who - how many what kind....

"I have confessed to Jesus, my sins are forgiven."

That is as far as the conversation goes. If you are discerning marriage with the person, assurance that you are free of STDS and that you have no former marriages or living children is pretty much all that needs to be told.

Leave the details on the floor of the confessional.


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