This is a thread to vent but at this point in time I am fed up. I have a sexual past....not necessarilly becuase I desired to be a promiscous person or a wild girl but simply becuase I had a tough childhood, was exposed to porn from early, was raped, etc. and made bad chocies as part of the effect of that. I simply wanted to be loved. It has been 15 years since I discovered God and I have been walking out of all the effects of my past ever since. I have a good spiritual director, love Mass and Adoration and I am really trying to work out each day my salvation and the effects of earlier damage. I have now come to the point of realizing that even though God loves me and sees me as pure and is ready to accept me as I am and work with me to complete the healing - MEN AREN'T. I feel like all these years of trying to come to wholeness and healing are great for God but not good enough for man.
I am sick of people in the church preaching out redemption and forgiveness but when it comes down to brass tacks basically subtly judging me. I have seen people say things on this forum to the effect that any girl who has had a past is unift for marraige material becuase she couldn't hold on to her purity. So I guess becuase I have had a past, even though I am working it out I don't deserve the benefit of the doubt too?
I am even more sick of the guys in church when I reveal my past and show them who I am now, instead of covering me with grace and prayer, use it as an excuse to say, hmmm, she has been loose before let me see how much I can get.....And I am not talking about the people who attend just attend Mass occasionally either. i am talking about people who are music ministers, altar servers, people who are going to Mass and Adoration everyday and being held up as one of the few good men in Church...and in any given situation I have to be the one fending them off and saying no, I don't want to do this, I don't want to sin. In many cases, they keep coming and coming until I eventually am the one that weakens and we both fall. Where are the guys who will fight for a girl's purity, whether or not she has had a past?
At this point, I feel disillusioned with Catholic men where I live becuase they all are the same.They are the same as men in the wold and judge you the same.There is no Chrsitlike love that helps covers sin and extends grace, only if she fits my criterion for being the perfect Catholic wife and I feel like the only one who can love me despite all my sins is God. The rest can love me in the abstract Christian way but they certainly don't want me to be their wife or the mother of their children. I feel like there is no safe space in the Chruch for a woman like me and seriously wonder what is in store for me. Here endeth my rant (and no I am not cut out for religious life, I discerned THAT a long time ago)