Hello, I am new to Catholic Answers. I am 16 and am a practicing catholic in every sense of the phrase. But I have an issue. When I was 14 I began to masturbate. It was before I knew it was a mortal sin. By the time I realized it was a grave sin I was already horribly addicted. I’ve since been trying to stop. My spiritual life has taken a major hit. I used to be unquestionably faithful to God. Now I find my self constantly doubting Him (which is sinful in itself!)
Regardless, this being advent I went to receive reconciliation for my many heinous sins. This vein almost the 6th time since my addiction started. I confessed my sins hoping this time is be able to quit. Now, 6 days later, I am being consumed by unclean desires to masturbate. I have finals coming up and I literally can’t focus. I wanted to at least try to stop for the duration of Advent. However I feel like that isn’t going to happen.
To complicate the story, I’ve tested positive for having Asperger’s syndrome on multiple unofficial screenings. I’ve thought that I’ve had it for years but have never been “officially” tested. I’m afraid to ask my parents because they will be weird about it. Also, I’ve been professionally diagnosed with anxiety. I don’t want you to get the idea that I am mentally challenged. I go to a normal school, I act normal(though I am extremely introverted and awkward), my grades are normal, I can drive, and whatnot. But I think it definitely has an affect on me not being able to quit. I am not compelled to do it in public or anything like that but when I’m at home I will sometimes stop what I’m doing and go masturbate.
Any way, I don’t know how to quit. I don’t want to sin, I don’t want to displease God. I can’t seem to stop. If I could just turn off my desire I would. It is ruining my life. I know that for a sin to be mortal you have to be in full consent. I don’t know if I am in full consent. I really don’t want to do it but when it comes right down to it I do feel like I “choose” to do it. Even though I don’t really think it was fully my choice. I really don’t know. I feel like my mental “imbalance” if you will I’d somewhat at fault. However since it is not official I don’t feel like I can attribute it to it without feeling guilty.
My only other thing is that should I manage to abstain for a great period of time, I feel like I would do something far worse to satisfy my addiction. I don’t know what to do. My next chance of receiving absolution isn’t until lent and should God forbid, some freak accident occur, I don’t want to die out of favor with God.
Here is the think. I don’t want to go to confession every day so I can end up failing. I feel like that is just disrespectful to God. However I hate the idea of the possibility of not being able to spend eternity with God.
My friends say how they can stop when they want. (They all think it is just okay to masturbate. Which makes me wonder if they will all go to hell. They know its wrong… Anyway) I can’t stop. If I could I would really. If I could just go home and never do it again I would.
I’m at a real loss. Any feedback will be appreciated. Growing up in such a secular world is so hard.