I want to ask for your prayers. Not only for me, but also those dear to me, especially my wife.
It’s been quite a full-on period lately.
I feel very weak. Weak against sin, and everything looks like sin. ‘Seeing sin’ seems to have become an addiction of it’s own, after getting rid of another 20-years-or-so one (lust) a number of years ago. Many things come back from this addiction, especially ‘images’ and ‘situations’. Hyper-aware of everything (especially avoiding even the remotest thing of sin) would be a good word for how I act these days. Though, in doing so, I probably sin more.
Everything seems ‘malformed’ in my mind.
Reading this thread:
Especially the comments and prayers from Trishie helped.
This seems to be a good summary line for me (just like for the person in the thread):
I know that God knows all, and I know that my mind contains errors. I know that I have to trust God more, and have more Faith, and in as far as possible, I do so. Though thinking about that, what is ‘in as far as possible’ - surely we can do more!
Confession is very difficult. Though I try to go somewhat regularly (few weeks apart at the time), I feel I have to ‘say this’ and ‘say that’ and go sometimes into a lot of detail. The ‘say this’ and ‘say that’ often comes from Satan I think, but not saying it makes me feel ‘even worse’ afterwards. I have often considered it would be better to leave off much of the detail, but when I asked a Priest (a very devout and Holy Priest I think) he said something along the lines of ‘that it was important to specify what/how’. He was quite busy that night though, but not sure if it came from the Lord or not. Though, I think I remember Fr. Corapi saying ‘saying I have sinned x times against this commandment’ is enough. If only I could find the episode where he said that (I looked) - tell me if you know.
God is good, God is very good. He is ‘all goodness’ and I am ‘all nothingness’. I often tell Him (with a semi-sense of humor) that He is to good for us.
Looking for peace…
I pray the morning office and the Rosary daily (albeit often distracted by things from my busy days - full time job, small business, family,…). The morning office helps personally as well, since the psalms often contain things that relate so closely (How can one read the word of God and not be helped, even if initially difficult!)
I know God forgives sins. I know he does so. I often choose to believe, even if my mind doubts. Unclean conscience or scrupulous (far?) beyond reason? I often don’t know. But, focusing on it too much makes it only much worse.
I assume some scrupulous people may recognize themselves in that last statement.
Sorry for my ‘loose ramblings’…
My mind is a Blessing from God, he has made me smart. It is also a cross for me, since there are too many ways in a restless mind. Too many options. Not God’s fault, but my own. Filled it with too much junk for 20 years orso.
Not expecting God to take this away from me. If it has been allowed, it’s been allowed for a good reason.
Asking for His Truth and Peace though. And, for clarity. Much much much clarity. Clarity and Wisdom. And, that clarity and wisdom will likely give me what I should really choose for more: Trust. Faith.