Maybe moving away.....mother irate

Hello all, I need some advice on something so bear with me:

My husband and I got married in the catholic church 1 1/2 years ago and have made our home in a suburb of where I was raised. We met online and he is from Dayton, Ohio which is 250 miles from where we live. My neighborhood, Youngstown, Ohio, is a dying city and jobs are becoming few and far between more and more everyday. He is in computers and currently works a job that’s an hour away that pays nothing. I’m a RN and can work just about anywhere I want, but computer jobs are hard to come by around here because there are no businesses flourishing around here. For the last year we’ve job searched for him and have gotten nothing, not even an interview.

I’m very tight with my family, but I started to think maybe we need to move away so my husband can have a stable job. He applied for a job in Dayton which is a very good job, the kind of job I would hope he would get around Youngstown, and has an interview. I think he’ll probably get offered the job because they seem very interested in him.

My mother and family are IRATE that i’m moving to Dayton and leaving them behind. My mom called me a liar and back-stabber among other things (it’s a long story b/c my older sister left the family and Catholic Church on bad terms and we haven’t seen her in years and I think that’s part of the reason my family is upset) but I feel that if moving is for the best for my future children, then I should. My husband and I are trying to conceive right now and I really want children, but I want my husband to have a good job first and formost.

My mother feels that a family should never break up…NEVER. But i’ve been praying hard on this topic and I think God wants us to move where this job opportunity is. I think the Dayton area is a better place to raise a family because there are jobs and opportunities that Youngstown just doesn’t have. My question is, is it wrong to move away from family in hopes to have a better future for my kids? My mom thinks family trumps money and jobs, and while I think family is important, i have to think of MY future family, namely, my kids.

Thanks for listening to my rambling and any advice would be most welcome! Thank you and God Bless!!!

Your husband and your (future) kids are your family. You committed to making a new family unit when you took those vows, and that is the one you need to concentrate on.

Frankly, your mother’s behavior would make me WANT to move away. Who wants to be treated like that, and for no justifiable reason? It’s not like you are doing something evil…

My mom became irate when I needed to move away and really start my own life too. Long story short, she was way too invested in having me around as a crutch for many parts of her own life, and she got very angry when I took it away.

But I would not have the outstanding husband I have or the wonderful children we have if I had not broken away…

Do what is right for your future, not your past. Your mother owes you an apology.

  1. Your first loyalty is to your husband, not your mother.

  2. If your mother thinks families shouldn’t break up, then does she think you married a bad man since he left his family?

  3. Mothers who have opinions like yours are not healthy people and you ought to have limited contact with her.

thank you guys, i really started to think i was doing something evil here because that’s how my mother made me feel. See, my older sister left us suddenly years ago and left the church and she did back-stab us, so I feel that those old feelings are being stirred up again and taken out on me.

I tried to explain to my mom that my husband is my main priority, but she doesn’t understand. Please keep me in your prayers, because my brothers and sisters are being hurt in this exchange, seeing my mom treat me this way. Also, i might be having surgery to get my gallbladder out so i’m under a lot of stress right now :frowning: .

Thanks again!

Unfortunately, the days are long gone when a family could survive by raising chickens and a vegetable garden, and hunting the occasional rabbit or deer; where money was a nice extra to have, but not essential to survival.

Today, the world takes cash, and people become homeless when they can’t pay the rent or the mortgage - that’s the modern reality.

You have to go to where your husband can find a good full-time job.

If your mother is so keen on keeping the family together, maybe she should consider following you guys to Dayton. :shrug:

You mother is wrong. You are a grown woman with a family of your own. You need to do what is best for you, your husband and future children. You are not “breaking up the family”. Family is family whether they live next door or 1000 miles apart. Your mother has an unhealthy attachment to her children.
Do not feel guilty, your marriage vows come before your mother’s apron strings.
I recommend a book by Gregory Popcak (a Catholic author and family counselor) called God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts.
It helps you establish healthy boundries in unhealthy relationships. God Bless.

Tell your Mom she’s right - YOUR Family (you, your husband, and future kids) and your well being trumps the lack of money and jobs available in the immediate area.

It is certainly not wrong to move away if it increases the chances for a successful family and enhances opportunities for everyone including future children. People do it all the time. Why do you think you see so many moving vans? We moved away from family after we got married (I was in military) and we are still moving around for better jobs after 25 years. Although now we are only about 90 minutes away - but we used to be 8 hours and then 4 hours for a while. We visited often - and changed cars often too.

She is just hurt because of the bad experience and is scared it could happen again. Assure her often that miles don’t separate hearts - that’s what phone calls and visits on weekends are all about. Assure her often that you are not your sister. You will not abandon her and the family and shouldn’t be blamed for what others have done. Assure her that your duty is to help your own family by doing what’s best to make sure your family is successful and happy.

If taking a job elsewhere can do that than she should be happy for both you and your husband and supportive. Good luck and God Bless.

Thank you guys all so much! I feel soooo much better :o I tried talking to my mom, to not lump me in with my sister, but she’s so stubborn that once she’s convinced of something, she will not change her mind easily. I will pray for her though…i guess that’s all I can do :shrug:

You aren’t married to your mother. You need to nip this now. Your family is out of line. Get them out of your family’s business-- now. Stop sharing everything with her. It’s not her business.

Your and your husband form the family unit. When we grow up, we leave our families. Yes, it is important for extended family to be near if possible-- but you will be two hours away, not around the world.

You aren’t “breaking up” for heaven’s sake. You are moving a couple of hours away. Your mother is a drama queen, quite a manipulator. The fact that you are actually having a conversation about it with her tells me she is succeeding.

Your mother is forgetting he also has a family-- well, no she probably didn’t forget, she just doesn’t actually care about anyone else. If she really meant that a “family” should never break up she would have insisted that he not leave Dayton, where his family is.

No, what she really means is “I am an overbearing parent who has not cut the apron strings and I want my way so I’m going to guilt my children into staying nearby.”

Your mother’s behavior sounds very unusual and not rational.

Maybe your sister had reasons for leaving the family so suddenly. Sometimes we have to make clean breaks from family members that are not healthy for us to have contact with.

I don’t mean to hurt your feelings but your mother’s reaction is very abnormal. Your mother sounds manipulative. This isn’t how families operate.

It would be understandable for her to be very sad that you are leaving but to equate that with breaking up a family is off kilter.

Don’t let your mother put a guilt trip on you. You are doing what is best for your family.

I was thinking if it is Wrong to move away from family we would all be back in the OLD COUNTRY.

My paternal grandparent left most of their families in Ireland met and married. My father and his brother both left New Jersey
My mother left Idaho. Her mother left Salt Lake City (and went several places before Idaho) Her mother’s parents left Wales

If it wasn’t for all this moving away from family I wouldn’t exist

I’ve been searching and searching on the net to find a verse from the Bible that actually says your duty is to your husband. It says that a man has to let go of his nuclear family to start his own… but I cannot find it.

Your duty is to YOUR husband and your FUTURE FAMILY. Your mother cannot control you any longer. You are a married woman and the minute you decided to get married, is when you let go of your parents. This doesn’t mean you stop loving them, does it? So your mother seems to be overreacting to this. It is YOUR life, and you have to let her know, in a nice way, that she’s wrong to say those things to you. What your sister did, doesn’t mean you’ll do it too.

As soon as I find that verse from the Bible, I’ll come back to post it. Maybe you can show it to your mother so she sees that even the Bible has that written on there.

You should go to where your Husband can get the best job. Given your Mothers attitude it is probably a good thing to get your family away form her.

Found it :

Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word. That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones. **For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. **This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let everyone of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.
–Ephesians 5:21-33

Something similar happend in our family when I was a kid. My dad, brother, and I are happy we moved. My mom would have stayed if she could do it over again, but is happy in her life (wishes she could be closer to help her family though). Just wanted to let you know what our family thought about the decision to move, many years after it was made. I think that putting the future of the kids is very important. Because your mom is acting the way she is (showing her true colors), don’t you want to move away even more? Is that someone you want your children spending more time with?

Thank you all again so much and for the bible quote. I already feel extremely relieved. I do think in the bottom of my heart that moving is the right thing…it just feels right. Also, his brother is about to acquire a new place to rent out (he is a landlord as his second job) and he says we can take a look at it and he’d rent it to us, with a discount! Everything seems to be falling into place with us moving, so I think it’s the right thing to do.

Our God is an Awesome God!

My situation is very similar to yours, except that our parents aren’t mad at us. We had to leave behind two very loving sets of parents that were heartbroken to see us go. But, they were never mad, just very sad.

We moved eight hours away from home (without stops.) Its too long of a drive to make on our tight budget and “sickly” car more than about once or twice a year. Anything more than that, my parents fly me in for visits. My husband is so good about this. He can’t take the time of work, but my parents will fly me in for a week about twice a year. In addition, they come to see us about once a year. So, all in all we see each other about every 4-6 months.

It’s difficult. I miss my mother very much. Especially since she almost died the year we left. But, she’s better now. And I know we are where we need to be to have my husband’s job succeed. We desperately need the money, and its a great opportunity for growth. We have to be patient and wait several years, but it will come. Then, God willing, we can move back home where we really want to be.

I suggest lots of emailing, Instant Messaging, getting cell phones on the same provider (for unlimited calling.) If you can’t be on the same provider, then call after nine and on weekends.

I will share with you a little joke that my mother now finds most amusing. She used to be upset when I was in the convent and only got one four hour visit a month. Not a home visit, they had to come to the convent. Well, my mother (who wasn’t happy about it at the time) is now like, “at least I got to see you once a month in the convent!” It’s funny how parents are never quite happy unless you are living under their roofs. It’s just a mother’s love. And although my dad would rather have me in town, he’s pretty happy I am not still under their roof. He kinda likes having my mother to himself finally. :wink:

Dear gam3rchic,

Fellow Ohioan here … Hello and nice to meet you! Be assured that your husband’s job situation is in my prayers. :slight_smile:

Living closer to the Cleveland area and having been unemployed in the past, I know all about the lack of jobs in Youngstown. Dayton sounds like a very good move, IMHO.

BTW, all my family lives in New York State, and I’m a single woman living alone. But I strongly felt God wanted me here, and still feel that way, so that’s the way it is. I drive up through snowstorms back and forth to Buffalo to visit family for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter, as well as other special occasions. (The snow lets up in June for my birthday, lucky me … :stuck_out_tongue: )

The reality of it all is that people have to make a living, and family needs to understand that … and love you whatever happens or whereever you go.

God bless you and yours,

~~ the phoenix

does your mom make your dad a priority?

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