Me and my big mouth


#1

My relationship with my mother is sometimes strained. Due to past issues of not trusting my parents, I have a hard time telling her about things. And sometimes I will tell her the opposite of what is true. Or I will evade because I don’t think she has a right to know certain things.
At the same time I am feeling guilty about not telling the truth…
I did not take communion yesterday because of this guilt…What should I do? Is my situation always a mortal sin?


#2

Are you an independent adult? That’s a crucial detail.


#3

Yes I am an independant adult.


#4

In my opinion, it is an act of charity to deny information to someone who is going to misuse the information. (There’s the old question of is it a sin to tell the Nazis that there are no Jewish people in your house when there are.) If you are concealing information because you have reason to believe your mother will share it indiscreetly or use it to start an unnecessary argument or to abuse you or someone else with it, then you are not sinning to conceal that information from her. I think one should strive to do so with as little falsehood as possible. Sometimes if you don’t bring something up, that is sufficient. However, if you are asked a question bluntly, refusing to answer it is basically revealing the answer, so you have to decide if the good of keeping the secret is more moral than denying the truth to someone who has no business demanding it in the first place.


#5

@Kathleen18
Always speak the truth,you don’[t have to tell each and every thing which happens in a day unless your are a minor,you should do it with prudence. James 3:2 For we all make many mistakes, and if any one makes no mistakes in what he says he is a perfect man, able to bridle the whole body also.

Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land which the Lord your God gives you.Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Sirach 3:1 Listen to me your father, O children;and act accordingly, that you may be kept in safety.2 For the Lord honored the father above the children,and he confirmed the right of the mother over her sons.3 Whoever honors his father atones for sins,4 and whoever glorifies his mother is like one who lays up treasure.5 Whoever honors his father will be gladdened by his own children,and when he prays he will be heard.6 Whoever glorifies his father will have long life,and whoever obeys the Lord will refresh his mother;7 he will serve his parents as his masters.8 Honor your father by word and deed,
that a blessing from him may come upon you.9 For a father’s blessing strengthens the houses of the children,but a mother’s curse uproots their foundations.10 Do not glorify yourself by dishonoring your father,for your father’s dishonor is no glory to you.11 For a man’s glory comes from honoring his father,and it is a disgrace for children not to respect their mother.12 O son, help your father in his old age,and do not grieve him as long as he lives;13 even if he is lacking in understanding, show forbearance;in all your strength do not despise him.14 For kindness to a father will not be forgotten,
and against your sins it will be credited to you;15 in the day of your affliction it will be remembered in your favor;as frost in fair weather, your sins will melt away.16 Whoever forsakes his father is like a blasphemer,and whoever angers his mother is cursed by the Lord.


#6

My adult siblings and I have a similar situation with our mother, who goes over-the-top judgmental and lays on a heavy nonstop guilt trip whenever we tell her something about ourselves which is not to her liking or doesn’t meet with her approval. Therefore, we are just selective about what we reveal. I try not to lie, but sometimes evasion is the better choice, both for her peace of mind and for ours as well. Sometimes she will discover something we’ve kept from her, and she goes ballistic! We then tell her that this was why we did not reveal it in the first place. It may not be an ideal or the most healthy relationship we have with her, but it is what it is. She is 92 now, and none of us are likely to change.


#7

95% of lies are told out of fear, usually fear of the consequences for telling the truth. What do you think would happen if you told the truth? And how would you handle it?

This sounds like an issue of setting healthy personal boundaries.

While I recommend seeing your priest for confession, I highly doubt that you’re in a state of mortal sin over this. So receiving Eucharist should be OK. Again, you can confirm this with your priest.


#8

Regardless of whether or not lying is sinful in your situation (I will leave that to those closer to the faith here to answer that), I would suggest you may consider you don’t need to lie or tell the truth of whatever your mom is asking about. This sounds like it is about boundaries. Once you are an adult, there is nothing wrong with saying “Mom, I am not going to disucss this issue with you”. You may get push back, hurt feelings, or anger, but it is the mature way to handle the situation. Don’t let fear hold you back from doing this. The first few times may be really difficult for you, but like most things, with continued practice it will get easier.


#9

Now I think
That if my parents ask me
If everything is alright
I say its ok
But in fact it isnt because of my problems

Am I sinning? I am 18


#10

In plain English: sometimes I lie.

What Blackforest said about setting healthy boundaries is, in my view, extremely important. Often if we do not learn learn how to do this in our families, we learn it badly or not at all. This can lead to Major Life Problems.

I would suggest seeing a counselor or therapist for this. One can often see a therapist from Catholic Charities for this purpose, and they have a sliding fee scale.


#11

You are under no obligation to tell her everything about everything. If she asks about something that’s mine of her business, you’re entitled to tell her something vague, like “I’m taking care of it, Mom, no worries.”. Or even “That’s private, Mom. How do you like that new series on ABC?”
You may have to cut some conversations short until she realizes you mean it, but she should get the idea. You just have to stick to your guns.


#12

Then know that lying is always a sin. Always. The Catechism is very clear.

The Catechism and Scripture tell us that Satan is the father of lies.

On the other hand, you do not have to tell people things simply because they ask. We are not obligated to answer.

It is okay to say “Mom, I am not going to answer that. How is your garden doing with all of this rain?”


#13

There is not a magic change that happens where you were a kid one day and on your 18th birthday you can completely turn off everything your parents say.

As a parent of an adult, the times when I ask “is everything okay?” is when I have reason to believe something is wrong. There are times when my adult child says “it is nothing I can talk about right now” and so I just pray for them, remind them that I am here to listen if they need it.

So, when your parents ask if you are okay, is there a reason you do not want to confide in them?


#14

I dont understand.
I am afraid to tell them about my problems.
Its better that I dont make unnecessary problems.
Or maybe everything is alright but I make up problems in my head


#15

Unless your parents are abusive, they love you and want to help with your problems.

If you cannot talk them, talk you your priest, godparents, youth minister, school counselor. Talk to someone.


#16

Scrupulous alert. No answer to this poster.


#17

This might be better discussed with your priest.


#18

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