As I’ve mentioned in other threads, my pastor is my confessor. I try to meet with him once a month, if possible, but mostly as often as necessary. Our hour long meetings are not only a chance for confession, but a chance for counselling and spiritual direction. As a result, I’ve come to prize him and all that he has done to help me. A relationship has definitely formed between us. He even thought of me to serve on the brand new Stewardship Commission, which is apparently going to be a big deal.
The problem is, though, that I now find myself worried how he, as a man, will think and judge me when I confess certain sins. I feel great embarassment to confess certain things, so I usually have to close my eyes and just say it. Sometimes I find myself looking at him after I confess something to see how he reacts, so that I can judge how he’s judging me! After I confess, he’s gotten in the habit of asking me if I’m still seeking outside councelling for my emotional and self-esteem issues, which makes me think that something about my confession presents me as a nutcase!
None of this is healthy, I know.
Should I change confessors? Or am I just going to be like this with ever confessor I go to, worried what they’ll think of me outside the confessional?
I called my pastor yesterday to schedule an appointment for a confession soon because there’s a lot of stuff on my mind, but one of those things I’m reluctant to mention to him since it involves the Commission which he volunteered me for and I’m afraid that he might think I’m now unfit for the role and remove me. God’s will be done, I guess, but it’s be a huge disappointment.