I used to be SWAT and patrol the heavy crime district, on my days off I was a strength and conditioning coach at a college and ran the prayer group for the athletes. My entire life I have been involved in athletics and been competitive in everything I do. Due to an injury from lifting, I have not been able to work out or do SWAT or patrol for over a year now. All my normal outlets have been sidelined, and after 3 surgeries the doctors still cannot figure it out. In this period of time I also spent my life savings on a house with one of my sisters, which went bad and I moved out giving her the house and losing my money. I am making about 70% of what I normally would and not doing so well financially. The family situation got really disconnected over the house drama. This is at the same time I was struggling with surgeries and illness, had co workers killed in the line of duty and I was helping do after action intervention which was heavy stuff. My family life is very disconnected now to say the least. I also was in a long term relationship, where just a few weeks ago I caught her in an affair where some older guy was buying her diamonds and lingerie. I knew things were not going well, but I never expected to be betrayed and hurt like that on the way out. Even knowing we couldnt be together, she couldnt be honest and continued to deny it blaming me. She cut me off cold turkey and wouldnt even talk about it, just kept saying how she is so connected with God all the sudden and my faith got weak because I was not being happy through my surgeries and family problems. One of our disconnects was that during a hard time for her at a job she was struggling at and eventually got fired, she quit going to church for 6 months. Id beg her to come, but she would criticize me that me going to church all the time, adoration, and trying to read spiritual books was not making me a better Christian. Ive always told her I go because I know I am weak and need Christ so badly, I do not go because I think I am righteous at all, but because I am such a sinner and needy of Him in my life more.
So basically all of my normal coping mechanisms of working out, SWAT, coaching, etc have been absent due to continued medical problems they cant figure out. I do not know how much longer the department will keep me before reviewing me for disability. I do not have my family to lean on like I normally would, and the person I spent the most time with and trusted had an affair on me and its not like normal breaking up but worst case scenario. Im living in a home where younger roommates party and I lost that personal space for devotion and reflection. I go to adoration, mass, and try to spend time in prayer and thankfully have not gotten mad at God or not trusted He has a plan for all of this…but the pain is tremendous…I function well at work, but sleep very little and my focus is not so great. I am moving out of the house in the next few weeks to get my own small apartment so I can at least have peace and not be around roommates who do not share my faith.
I know in time things will heal and His will will reveal itself, but I am struggling, hurt, and feel broken emotionally and physically. Id really like to take a retreat, but I will not be able to take time off until August. I do not know how to reconcile or deal with the ex girlfriend, I am not the type to just shot off communication like she has cold turkey-I still care for her as a friend but at the same time am hurt and angry. I also need to mend the broken family relationships, and I need to be more positive about believing the doctors will figure out what is wrong and I can get back to working out and SWAT which would help me so much relieve stress.
Please pray I find strength. In my early 20s I had a big converstion which was brought about by injuries that God used to capture my heart. I know good things can come out of the troubled times and God is probably sharpening my heart, and I know He is strong in our weakness, but even with that knowledge I am hurting very badly and then it makes me question how strong my faith really is sometimes…if I had strong faith would I be hurting so much?
Please pray the doctors figure out what is wrong with me, get me back to being a full duty cop and athletics, or they figure out if I have Chrons or some other disease that is not allowing me to heal, treat it and then the wounds heal. Pray I heal from betrayal from some family members and the ex girlfriend, and find the proper ways to deal with it, forgiving them, and managing the sadness which oscalates with anger, and that I can get moved into my own place and reconnect more with my old habits of morning devotional, evening Magnificant with candles, and the spiritual exercises. Right now I cant do much more than just go to adoration and sit there, not feeling like Im getting “good prayer” in or focusing on Jesus but more being a wimp about carrying my own cross.
Thanks so much for your prayers