Meeting men in my age range


#1

I am a single Catholic female who feels that she is called to the Sacrament of Marraige. I am 30 years old. I joined a Catholic Singles website and find it wonderful for fellowship but have not dated anyone. I have not really dated my at all in my life. I seem to be attracted to older men (this is a pattern) and then I find out they are not interested in me in a romantic way only being friendly. To my terrible disapointent and heartbreak. By older men I mean those in thier 50’s.

I am trying to think this over rationaally. I do not know many single men in my age range who have same beliefs as me (as in I know 0). There seems to be a lack of nice men my age. I know this is unfair and maybe male-bashing but men my age either seem to be very stuffy suit-and-tie types ( I think that I have placed most men who belong to the Catholic singles service in that category, whether fair or not.) The casual friendly guys seem to be only interested in smoking pot, talking about porn, and chasing skirts. Now that is not at all true of men on Catholic sites but very true of guys I meet through work. I wish there were more laid-back blue-collar type men who were gentlemen and had good morals. I feel so cynical.

I am not against white-callar type guys but I am just so afraid they will not accept me.That they will look down on me and my friends. I am from a basically middle-class backgroung and I have a college degree but right now I am working in a job that does not require a degree. I work in a nursing home. And I work evenings so it would be next-to -impossible to get involved in church young adult groups.

I am working to try and be a better person. Trying to dress more feminine and become more mature. Am I too quick to think people will judge me.? Guys don’t give me a second look.


#2

I don’t really know what to tell you on the Catholic dating web-sites. People here seem to highly endorse them, and I’ve found people here to be of strong faith and good reason. So, maybe keep giving those some time.

But me? I’m 23 and find that it’s working through the church that I meet people on my page. I worked for a year for a college Catholic ministry group called FOCUS. They were wonderful men and women there.

I’m not saying to be a Catholic Missionary, especially if the motivation were just to find a man. But trust in God, find how you desire to serve the faith; whether in retreats, CCD, at soup kitchens, as a nurse, etc… and I’ve always found there is soon a woman there who’s spirit just pulls my breath away. So, you can go be that girl for some lucky guy, no? :smiley:


#3

Catholic Singles websites are fine for fellowship but in my humble opinion they aren’t that good for a serious committed relationship. I say that as when you communicate with someone online there is SO MUCH you don’t know about the other person and vice-versa. Getting married is one of the most IMPORTANT decisions you will make so why make it any harder than you have to. Now if you can meet a person face to face even if you communicated with them online initially then that can be fine.

We all have our good days and bad days and the same can apply to months and years. Don’t worry too much about it. Instead focus on something good (i.e. volunteering) and PRAY for God to lead Mr. Right to you. It will be hard but the rewards are something you can’t ignore.

Hope this helps a bit.:thumbsup:


#4

Maybe join a volunteer group…or softball for singles…or something along those lines? I am happily married…but if I were single, I don’t know if I would box myself in to just websites.

And don’t sell yourself short with your looks. Everyone has beauty as children of God…be confident in Christ…and your beauty will shine through…when people see you, they will see Christ shining through you. You sound like a very smart, kind person–I bet they do already…but maybe some men are shy? I have heard that about 30-something men being shallow, and a little arrogant. Often times, they have been through a marriage, and are back on the ‘prowl.’ But…there are many women like that, too…so, when God finds that right person for you…you will know it.

I wish you great blessings and joy…and that you will find the right person through the grace of God.:heart:


#5

chatterbox, I’d say don’t give up just yet. Trust me, it works both ways too. I’m a 45 year old guy and I’ve had little to no luck with the catholic singles web sites. On top of that the ‘singles group’ in my local parish is geared to the 20 somethings. I have yet to find a women who is serious about her faith and willing to follow the true teaching of the Church, more than just talking about it. From the web sites all I got was … How much do you earn, do you own a house, what kind of car do you drive, do you want to have kids, and my favorite… send a picture of yourself on a harley. hahaha!:slight_smile:

Also, just so you know, I’ve yet to ‘date’ any women in their 30’s or 40’s that didn’t expect a ‘sleep over’ after we had gone out only a few times. Needless to say those relationships ended quickly … and two of them were very active in the church!!! :eek:

I’d say turn to prayer first, and if our lord is calling you to marraige, He will guide you. that’s were I am at this point.


#6

I am not giving up yet. I feel more encouraged after reading responses. I guess I cannot just put all my hopes on meeting someone online. Basically, I do not know how to meet people except at work or through the Internet. I think that a Catholic organization where I could volunteer would be a very good idea but it is hard with the hours I work. Noon to 8;30 PM. I also wish I had a female Catholic friend to join with me. I don’t know a lot of Catholics my own age. As far as singles softball, that is how my sister met her husband but I have never played organized softball (I was not allowed to play sports as a kid) and I am energetic but not very coordinated. I would humiliate myself.

If I am going to try a Catholic Singles group, do you think I would mostly find it to be white-collar professional types or would there be some like me? People at work tell me I am too much of a good girl. As in “We oughta dress her up in a short skirt, give her a makeover, take her out to the club and get her drunk.” The thing is they mean well. They were raised differently.

Thursday was a disappionting day for me. I found out the age of a guy I had had a crush on. 56! I had estimated him younger. That is a very big difference. And I heard a bunch of guys talking about thier collection of pictures of women in thongs (not sandals!) It did not exactly make me feel good about my looks.

Sir Hubert, not all girls are like that. I am not. I suppose it is hard for men too.


#7

Chatterbox, be careful about getting to reliant on these co-workers suggestions. You are right to think they mean well. So many Catholic college girls I knew had the same friends, who just wanted to see their friends have fun, and didn’t think “good girls” ever did. Many of these girls over time were dragged down after giving in a little bit here and a little bit there.

I was heart broken to see a girl who had been a pillar of virtue in our Catholic community transform over a period of about 2 months because she got infatuated with the wrong guy and as some point his words ment more than her faith. When we were graduating I found out that they were living together but we as of then still unmarried.

I’m not saying that you are falling to those co-workers ideas. But after seeing how quickly virtue can be destroyed, and how slippery the slope is once one step is taken…I just always err on the side of cautious. :slight_smile:


#8

I am glad to hear that you aren’t giving up. Regarding softball I can understand what you are saying but perhaps you can try your hand at something different like Bowling? Or do you know how to play popular card games (cribbage, euchre). In any Catholic singles group you are going to find a wide range of people from different work groups.

I will keep you in my prayers.:gopray2: :gopray2:


#9

I don’t know which internet site you have signed up for, but I found Ave Maria to be the only one for serious Catholics-- or at least the only one for me. I didn’t like the others at all.

I met my DH through Ave. We are older, I was 38 and he was 43 when we got married. I was on the site for a couple of years, and I met many men with many different backgrounds.

My advice is not to change yourself for anyone. Just be yourself and do the things you like to do. And, when you find the guy who is attracted to you “just being yourself” and vice versa… then you have the real thing.

As for volunteering, perhaps you could volunteer in pro-life activities-- a crisis pregnancy center, sidewalk counseling, etc. They always need help. And, you could meet some nice women who may be able to introduce you to a nice man-- or maybe meet a nice man. I met a couple of very serious, nice Catholic men while I was sidewalk counseling.


#10

Hi Chatterbox,
Have confidence in yourself and don’t put yourself down.:slight_smile: You seem to be a very kind, thoughtful person and you should believe that you deserve someone who will love you dearly and make you happy. Trust God to send you “Mr. Right”. There is a prayer to Archangel Raphael to find a spouse.
"St. Raphael, Archangel, sent by God to counsel young Tobiah in the choice of a good and virtuous spouse, guide me also in this important life choice. With your help I want to meet the one who is “right for me”, as a husband/wife. Through your inspiration I want my heart’s choice to be the spouse the Lord would also choose for me, so that our life together will be one of mutual happiness and love. Amen."
Good luck.:extrahappy:


#11

Thank you all for responding.

I think I have a little bit answered my own question in my own mind. I want to meet someone who is Catholic, pro-life etc. and yet I fear that men like that won’t accept me becuase I do not have a prestigious job. I am so afraid of that that I am afraid to try. That is part of it at least. Do I have to fear?

Are Catholics more sophisticated than others in some ways? More likely to look down on a women becuase she works in a lower paying job? I realize this might sound silly but I figure I can ask this in an anonymous way here. I probably shoot myself in the foot by just assuming Catholic men won’t like me.

Smb2c, I am influenced a huge amount by people at work. But I don’t act on it. Different things might make me feel self-counsious or make me think but I don’t feel pressure to actually do those things. Sometimes I wonder, though, if it would be sinful to go to a nightclub with someone from work just to get used to being out socially. Not to get drunk.

Thank you for prayers and for giving me the Saint Rapheal prayer.


#12

If any man looks down on you because of that then he isn’t a REAL man. Not all men are like that but I am sure that some are.

Catholicism and sophistication are not mutually inclusive. Focus your energy on your personality, attitudes and proper desires for marriage and family life. Read Theology of the Body

I’d be careful with who you associate with at work after work hours. Don’t ever think that you are above temptation. I will keep you in my prayers.:signofcross:


#13

99.9% of the population works in a job that is not “prestigious”. And, very few Americans make 6 figure salaries-- only 5% make over $100K a year. The rest of us work in ordinary jobs, and make ordinary salaries.

I don’t understand where this hang up regarding white collar versus blue colloar and hig pay versus low pay is coming from-- but I honestly suggest you get some counseling to get to the bottom of it. If you don’t resolve the conflict within yourself regarding money, prestige, and such then you are not ready for marriage-- you will take these ideas into your marriage and it will be harmed by your inner fears.


#14

Call your Parish, call the DRE, call the Youth Minister, call the Diocise, (see a trend here…) - let them know that you want to volunteer, your schedule will fit with something. Even if Mr. Right is not a volunteer on the same ministry or group, you will meet more dedicated Catholics. Those people have friends and brothers, etc. Meet people who share your values - remember, for hundreds and hundreds of years people met/married without the internet - they met through family and friends. The idea is to surround yourself with the kind of friends (friends of all ages) that you would want as family.


#15

It’s great that you want to improve yourself but remember this change takes time and you’ll have to take some risks and throw yourself out there. If your strength starts to fail you say a prayer for Gods support.

Also call around and see what groups are out there. If your looking for volunteer information try Volunteermatch.com. This is a website strictly for offering volunteer opportunities. You’d be amazed how many things there are out there to do…you just have to look around.


#16

Hey there,

Us white collar guys aren’t that bad and are ready and willing to give you a chance. Many of us came from middle class backgrounds (and are middle class ourselves) and find college educated women attractive. Anyone - white collar, blue collar, short, tall, bald, etc. - who won’t accept you for who you are isn’t worth your time anyways. Give us a chance :wink:


#17

Yes, I am replying to my own thread again but not just for attention- I wanted to respond.

To ComputerGeek25, I just wanted to say that I want to give everybody a chance. I jjust am a little afraid of stepping into social events where I don’t know anyone.

I have thought about the responses I have got here and I talked to a married older sister and I guess I kind of realize that there is no sense in feeling sorry for myself 24/7. I heard Father Corapi talk on Catholic radio yesterday and he was talking about how there is no shame in being a working man or working women and how any work no matter how lowly can be offered to God. That really spoke to me becuase I believe that and I think I really do love my job (at least most of the time.)

The problem with being a “working woman” in this day and age is that you have no opportunity to be around others that share your faith. And that is okay, in itself. I actually love it that my co-workers are mostly of different races and cultures and religious traditions and I have learned from them. But in a place that has a few hundred employees there are like two or three other Catholics. I really don’t know even one Catholic man near my age that I have met in real life

!ke, I sure know that most people don’t make six figure salaries. Since I am hoping to get my own apartment soon (I live with parents now) I am realizing how hard it will be to afford living on my own. Many of my co-workers who have children to support get Food Stamps etc. and many can’t afford the health insurance our employer offers. I definitely know that most people don’t make six figure salaries. But, I really want to try living on my own. I think it is a step toward being mature enough for marraige. I don’t think it is really a question of money or prestige but I question of what do I have in common with other young Catholics besides religious beliefs. It is hard stepping into a new world and I want to be myself.


#18

A lot of us are like that. We fear something, but in the end, if we just go out and do it, it isn’t that bad


#19

I have to echo this sentiment. And advise you not to dismiss “white collar guys” so quickly. I dated all over the chart before I got married - from the 6-figure-salaried to the virtually unemployed - and while the career-driven men were also some of the stuffiest, as you fear, they were often extremely dependable, responsible, well-educated and well-traveled - characteristics I prized enormously. I also knew that my future husband having a good salary would enable me to stay home with our future kids.

And because I didn’t outright dismiss “white collar guys,” despite a few excruciatingly boring dates, I fell in love with one of them: my fabulous, utterly charming, self-effacing, hilarious husband who couldn’t define “stuffy” if he tried. :heart:

But I think in your case, it might come down to a self-esteem issue. If you don’t seem to believe you’re worth dating and falling in love with, why would anyone else? That’s the issue I’d examine…not how many figures you or your potential dates ought to have.


#20

I want to echo what ComputerGeek said.

I come from a LOWER class background, and pretty much worked my way through college and now am in a tech lead position for a major insurance company, which is white collar.

Many “white collar” types started out as middle-class OR BELOW, so we do know what it is like “on the other side of the tracks”, so to speak.

The fact that you are college educated shows something. And just because you are now workng in a job that does NOT require a college education - well, I don’t know the particlar reasons you are not working in the field of your major, but that does not mean that you are locked into that job forever! And if this is a self-confidence issue, well, see if there is another job out there that might be better for you.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.