I am really tired of my chronic habitual sins which do not give me peace. I find it even more troubling and disgusting when my will knows what is good but my flesh falls easily in face of temptation.
Even more distressing is that I am still ‘obsessed with’ habitual sins even when my flesh finds them a displeasure - by ‘obsession’ I do not refer to the strict psychiatric sense, but a more general attachment to that particular sin, although I am not ruling out any possibility of obsessive-compulsive tendency underlying the habitual sin.
I am ashamed of not feeling ashamed of my sins. I want to change. But I lack the determination to do good. I’m sluggish and sloth binds me with sins. Very often I do not follow my daily routine and disorder starts to creep into my life, culminating in sins. Yet, I know this problem and I’m not even brave enough to change - sometimes I think I’m a hopeless sinner and I’m too lazy to even change. In that case, if I don’t take the initiative, God can hardly move me towards His direction. Not moving towards Heaven means falling under gravitational force down to Hell.
I want perfect contrition. I know I am guilty by my will even though my flesh disagrees. I seek cleansing through the Sacrament of Reconciliation as soon as possible every time I sin, but sometimes I’m not sure if God’s forgiveness comes at too cheap a price. As Pope Francis said, I don’t want to treat the Confessional as self-service laundry, but I really can’t pretend that nothing has happened and lead a normal routine unless I am absolved and I do penance, so I have no choice but to go to Confession as soon as possible even before I think of the punishment of Hell or perfect love for God. When I am wrong, go to Confession for first aid.
However, every week I fall. I feel sad and miserable. But I want to melt down my indifference to God and let His Word grow ROOTS (ROOTS!) in my soul.
Please keep me in your prayers. Advice needed …