Men Can Suffer a Myriad of Grief Issues Following a Partner's Abortion


#1

see www.lifenews.com/2007/08/30/nat-3305/


#2

Thankfully, there is Rachel's Vineyard.


#3

This is one of the most under reported dynamics that I know of…


#4

In all the cases of abortion that I personally know about, the mother got the abortion after either pressure from the father or abandonment of the father.


#5

My BIL's girlfriend had an abortion and didn't tell him she was even pregnant until after it had already been done. Years later, he is still upset.

And it's not only the fathers who are harmed by abortion, it's all the other family members as well. That baby was a niece or nephew, a grandchild, a cousin, and someday might have been a sibling (if he has other kids in the future) and he or she is sorely missed. And going beyond that, he or she would have someday been a friend, a spouse, a neighbor, a coworker, a parent and eventually a grandparent. The death of that baby has ripple effect where countless lives are going to have a hole in them that only they could have filled.


#6

[quote="StarFireKK, post:4, topic:247867"]
In all the cases of abortion that I personally know about, the mother got the abortion after either pressure from the father or abandonment of the father.

[/quote]

No doubt this is true, however, it happens the other way as well.


#7

With the exception of this happening to a married man, unsuspecting that his wife would do such a thing... whom I would have deep sympathy for...

It occurs to me if men don't want any part of an abortion, they should not do things that get women pregnant...

If a man does not know that his girlfriend would go get an abortion without even bringing it up, he does not KNOW her well enough to be having sex. And he certainly didn't care for her enough to ask for her hand in marriage...


#8

I was just talking about this with a friend over the weekend. He’s agnositc (though not vocal about it, in fact, doesn’t talk much about religion at all) and he mentioned when he was in college (he’s 34) his girlfriend had an abortion. He said he still thinks about it all the time. He’s now married with three children (to a different girl).

My heart breaks for the men involved in abortion. Many of them either don’t know of have little control over it.


#9

I was 15 when my then 18 y.o. girlfriend had an abortion. It scars some for life and has been the reason for a lot of suffering. I’m 40 now and it still hurts…


#10

[quote="Samson01, post:9, topic:247867"]
I was 15 when my then 18 y.o. girlfriend had an abortion. It scars some for life and has been the reason for a lot of suffering. I'm 40 now and it still hurts..

[/quote]

I'm praying for you my friend.


#11

[quote="Rascalking, post:10, topic:247867"]
I'm praying for you my friend.

[/quote]

Thank you. One of the toughest things to deal with is trying to make things right with the Lord. It doesn't take long to figure that past suffering no longer has any merit or is redemptive, but seems a punishment. That even though you have been called to a different vocation, you are excluding from some other possible calls... I have tried by holding a sign during "pro-life" pickets in the center of town, but the feeling of being a hypocrit is overwhelming and seems so little in comparison. Can only say that the Lord did give me an opportunity once to talk with a couple considering abortion and the seed was planted to consider life instead, but I don't know what ever happened. I don't feel there will ever be a reconciliation on this....


#12

Bolding mine… trust that God will do as he promised. To forgive when you truly seek forgiveness.

The sad truth, and we’ve all been there one way or another, is that even though we are sorry, and HAVE been forgiven… we still deal with consequences… you are NOT a hypocrite for not wanting further abortions… And you can show sympathy for someone in a similar situation… Perhaps instead of picketing… you can reach out in another fashion…


#13

[quote="faithfully, post:12, topic:247867"]
Bolding mine... trust that God will do as he promised. To forgive when you truly seek forgiveness.

The sad truth, and we've all been there one way or another, is that even though we are sorry, and HAVE been forgiven... we still deal with consequences... you are NOT a hypocrite for not wanting further abortions... And you can show sympathy for someone in a similar situation... Perhaps instead of picketing... you can reach out in another fashion...

[/quote]

We'll see what He provides...


#14

[quote="faithfully, post:7, topic:247867"]
With the exception of this happening to a married man, unsuspecting that his wife would do such a thing... whom I would have deep sympathy for...

*It occurs to me if men don't want any part of an abortion, they should not do things that get women pregnant... *

If a man does not know that his girlfriend would go get an abortion without even bringing it up, he does not KNOW her well enough to be having sex. And he certainly didn't care for her enough to ask for her hand in marriage...

[/quote]

Bold lettering mine.

Weeelllllll.......... Pity the fool that sins! (Not like that ever happens or anything....:rolleyes:)
Also in the married model there are no guarantees that the wife will not fall from the faith.... Gee! I bet that happens too!;)


#15

Faithfully wrote: "It occurs to me if men don’t want any part of an abortion, they should not do things that get women pregnant… "

Welllllllll Gee!!!.. Pity then, the poor fool that sins!! Not like that ever happens:rolleyes:. No mercy for him -eh?

Let us note that Catholics -ideally -are spared from this issue of abortion -to an extent.
We are **not, however, **isolated from the rest of mankind and no doubt will be held accountable for not doing all that we can to remedy this issue.

Poor men out there --the ignorant and those that have only a marginal knowledge of the faith. They may be suffering (from this issue) and not even know why. Just like women. Face it. Men are the other 50% (of course there is the baby as well) that get damaged in this dreaded sin.

I will brook no debate that is exclusionary in terms of men in regard to the devastation that is caused.


#16

[quote="Samson01, post:9, topic:247867"]
I was 15 when my then 18 y.o. girlfriend had an abortion. It scars some for life and has been the reason for a lot of suffering. I'm 40 now and it still hurts..

[/quote]

I really urge you to contact Project Rachel in your area. It changed my life. There were men on my retreat and I know there are on others. There you will find peace.

www.postabortionwalk.blogspot.com


#17

[quote="Nimzovik, post:15, topic:247867"]
Faithfully wrote: "It occurs to me if men don't want any part of an abortion, they should not do things that get women pregnant... "

Welllllllll Gee!!!!!!................ Pity then, the poor fool that sins!! Not like that ever happens:rolleyes:. No mercy for him -eh?

[/quote]

So, no pity for the woman that sinned???? Look at what she did to HIM???? And perhaps you don't mean that... Sadly, I know plenty of women that have had an abortion... They are destroyed. Mentally, and physically.

I know I sound harsh... but I'm very bothered with men that wouldn't involve themselves in an abortion, who complain about it when it happens.

How is it they didn't know it was a possability? Or did they not care? The person they are generally engaging in sex with is already showing a lack of self respect (as are they), and care for God's will. Are those characteritics that are desireable in the opposite sex? (again, I exclude married men... I can't imagine this scenario, and I'm sure that happens too... )

I feel like they are a drug dealer getting upset because a customer OD'd. If you don't want to chance a murder... DON'T GET INVOLVED... period... You have no control after you've passed on the goods. And yes, it HAS to be that simple.

I can say, I didn't want to be involved in an unplanned/wanted PG when I was single... So I didn't have sex. Have I sinned in other areas of my life... Sure, I'm not casting stones here.

As a woman, I KNOW if I'd have an abortion or NOT! If I were to engage in unmarried, casual sex, I'm fully aware of what I could be in for. I know what choices I'd make. At that juncture, there is nothing he can do to make the situation worse. It's all on me...

So if a person is going to turn this into "she did this to me"... I'm sorry, we have to take responsiblity for OUR sins... Not blame others. I don't involve myself in what's between any person, God and a priest.

I don't argue that a man can feel pain over this. Not at all. I'm sure they do. We all suffer when we end up taking part in any sin we are sorry for. But really, a man does NOT have a say in the matter. Not today anyway. His ONLY say is where he deposits his sperm. There needs to be a better grasp of this...IMO

I imagine many men suffer knowing they have children they will NEVER see because they weren't informed about babies they made.

I really would like to see men take more responsibility in this matter... We all know that without a woman, without a baby, an abortion does not happen. But without sperm... Ain't gonna happen. I would like to see men taught more about this as boys... I just don't hear about such a thing... and I'm talking abortion.

If you're a man, where you taught about this? Did your parents sit you down and say, listen, I know your hormones are raging, but you might not only end up with an STD, or a child with some girl/woman you don't even love. That you may never get to raise, or see... and that's IF that child survives stupid choices???? But you could be part of a murder??? Because you have NO IDEA if her parents will force her into an abortion. Or if she'll just do it. Cause she's already a little willy nilly with her body.

This is something I plan to talk to my boys about. That women that just hand themselves over... in a wanton style 1) have no self esteem, 2) are not the kind of person you want raising your child 3) might prevent you from ever meeting your child, or 4) has the legal right to kill your child before he or she is born...

NOW PLEASE, think 100 times over where you place your body parts.

Utimately, I went off topic... Perhaps people never realized that men cared about being involved in abortions... I guess, I expect men to KNOW that this is a possability, and I already place them in the same class as women that get abortions. If you don't one, don't get one. If you don't want to get PG... then don't do things that get you PG...

If only it where as simply done as said... I realize that...

I reflect on a guy I know as well. It wasn't until he stood in an OB/GYN office with his wife, observing a heartbeat that he grasped what he'd been involved with (abortion), in the past.

And clearly, I'm starting to ramble... It's not that I don't have pity... in the end, I do. I hate to see people in pain. I just get so annoyed with this sort of thing... I want men to take a MUCH BIGGER stance on abortion, and rather than fight abortion, not contribute to unwanted PG's


#18

Often I agree with your posts, Faithfully, but this time I think you are being either unreasonably hard on the men or unreasonably soft on the women. I agree that one ought to behave in such a manner as to keep from getting into such situations, but there is a bit of a gap between the sins of fornication and murder. It is wrong to say you want men to take responsibility for abortions and at the same time deny them any say in its occurrence. If a man has NO say in whether an abortion occurs, then you cannot blame them for it, nor can you say that a woman’s boyfriend “made” her get an abortion.

By the way, where I live, most abortions are obtained by married women. What would your recommendation be for those men?


#19

Well, I think I’m doing a really lousy job expressing myself… but maybe if you tell me what seems too hard on men, and too soft on women, then I can explain myself better???

I’m not letting women off the hook. I think it’s a terrible thing. But they KNEW their possabilities. And it’s also a fact that after an abortion many women are full of pain, physically and mentally.

And I’m NOT saying men don’t feel pain over it.I guess what I mean is that I don’t see men as victims in this case. They were not forced to get girlfriends and one night stands PG… They made a bad choice… and sometimes it’s proven to them 100 fold.

I don’t think men are blameless for an abortion. He contributed to the existance of the aborted baby. Is it as extreme as walking in and getting the abortion? Probably not, but then do sins get weighed??? I don’t know. And then perhaps??? Men are completely blameless here. My gut says no. But I don’t exactly have the authority to say one way or the other…

Is an adult blameless if he leaves a loaded gun in a house and child kills himself or another… Let’s say a TEEN that actually KNOWS what the gun can do. Is a dealer blameless when a customer OD’s? Is a bartender blameless when he knowingly lets a person walk out the front door 3 sheets to the wind, holding a set of keys. Where I live, if you drive the get away car after a bank robbery you will get time. I actually met a women who did time who “claims” she didn’t know her sister was going to attempt robbing the bank that she drove her to and from.

With regards to married women getting abortions… Are you saying that MOST of the abortions where you live are obtained by women WITHOUT their husband’s knowledge? And then these husbands find out? What an EXTREMELY sad situation. What should he do? In this very simplistic case, I suspect he’s a victim of this situation. (I’m not going to go into all the possabilities that he’s a wife beater or anything like that… offer her reasons…) No man should ever have to suspect that his wife would kill their child. That’s not a normal trusting marriage.

And do you mean, what would I recommend for them with regard to their sex life? Or with regard to something else…

I’ll make a guess… you correct me, if I’m not hitting the subject as you expected…And obviously this IMO, If a man finds out his wife had an abortion WITHOUT his knowledge, and assuming he’s horrified by such a thing… sadly, I think the only thing for him to do is quit having sex with her. (I have NO IDEA where there marriage would stand, or how that should be handled… he’d need to talk with a priest IMO)… But I would imagine that a woman that would kill the baby belonging to her and her husband would do it again??? He can’t risk this again, can he? And quite frankly, neither should she…

Really, I think I just dove from this topic… I hold women responsible for their choices in the way I do men. NO ONE, in this situation, gets a “poor me”… IMO

I recognize ALL their pain, men and women as totally legit… and sadly, they will have to come to terms. Life is just plain hard in that regard. None of us get a free ride it seems! I think plenty of us still cringe at things we’ve done… forgiven or not…

However, by the Grace of God, these people CAN be forgiven… and what a wonderful thing. That’s not for me to decide… and I don’t intend to even try! :wink:

Perhaps what I should have said… I have no more sympathy for men than I do women in this regard. Or perhaps I should have said nothing… as this was just an article stating what seemed to me totally obvious. In that, if it turns out you’re part of a murder, and that’s not the type of person you thought yourself to be, that has to be gut wrenching!

In the end… as I said, I will tell my boys: If you want to make SURE you are not part of an abortion… then don’t do anything that gets a woman pregnant… and of course I mean OUTSIDE of marriage. I don’t know anyone that has aborted her husband’s baby…It may be more common than I realize. But I’m not privy to it. I personally think it’s much better to be proactive as opposed to reactive… if you’re a man, you stand a much better chance of not grieving over your fornication choices if you just don’t… same for women…


#20

Sillara. I just realized you're in Tokyo. What is the situation with abortion there. Why are married women aborting so much?

And totally off topic... I hope you are doing well after all the earthquakes. I have a friend whose mother is there... and she says they are still struggling with the basics... Many prayers!!!!


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