Lost, I know you said you wouldn’t be looking in here on this site anymore, but there is just one last thing I want to say.
What offends me, personally, about your situation is that you want to make your children pay the price for your poor decisions. You want to stop paying the price and transfer it to them. This may not be how you see it, but it is exactly what you are doing. I am sure you sensed this behind my posts, which is why you reacted the way you did. But I will not apologize for it.
I speak from experience. My mother thought that she made a mistake in marrying my father. She was miserable. So she decided that in order to relieve her own misery, she would break up our family and put the suffering down the line onto us just to get it out of herself. Guess what? Didn’t work. She succeeded in causing us misery, in that we had to live through the breakup of our home, followed by the loss of our father when she took us two states away. He tried to stop her in the courts, but fathers had absolutely no power in family court in the mid 1980s. My mother’s misery was not caused by my father. I have come to learn through the years that she is the source of her own misery. She is still holding onto hurt that happened 50 years ago, and she dwells. She chooses to live in the bad things that have happened to her. She lives alone because she cannot stand to have her preferences impinged upon by another person in even the tiniest degree. So, she took all her misery and problems with her, but now she had no convenient husband to blame. Only herself and two dependent children under 10. She withdrew so far into herself that I ended up parenting my younger brother. The consequences of that time have basically destroyed the once close and loving relationship I once shared with my brother. We haven’t spoken to each other for nearly a year. And this is just the latest time… Because she withdrew and dwelt on her misery, she became depressed and made horrible decisions, to the point that she got so deep in financial trouble she had to send us back to our dad. Then she dropped off the face of the earth for a year and a half.
When she came back, she promptly started throwing monkey wrenches into our relationship with our father. After a couple of years, she succeeded in prying me away from him. She used my own teenage problems and a healthy dose of feminist BS to do this. Then, once she had me living in her orbit again, she made me an inappropriate confidant and “friend.” Well, of course, I felt so grown up and important… Mom’s best friend. She needs me! I couldn’t see how unhealthy it was until I started wanting to really grow up and have my own life. I started to pull away from her when my DH, then only a friend, pointed out how negative I was and how much I complained. I wanted this guy to think well of me, so I began to really examine that and toned it way down. When that same guy became the center of my life, she was OK until I decided to move out of state to be with him. I had turned down nearly a full-ride college scholarship and stayed close to home because my Mom “couldn’t live without me.” I regretted it, and that was what really started me on wanting out. Plus, I missed my by-then-fiance so much. So I transferred schools and began cleaning, packing, and having yard sales so I could move to Chicago. My dad was ecstatic… he wanted me to get out of our town and see some of the world. My mom spent the whole summer punishing me. She alternated between cold and forbidding to yelling at me and accusing me of abandoning her. I finally had to tell her to knock it off or I would stay the rest of the summer at my fiance’s parents’ house. When I finally left, I felt so FREE. I really, finally grew up that day.
My relationship with my mother is difficult and will stay that way. It takes two people to try. And she doesn’t. She just keeps on living alone, blaming the fact that she has no friends on everyone else, and refusing to do anything that requires anything of her. She wants to lose weight but will not join a gym, because “accountability pisses her off.” (her words) She hates the Church, but will not learn about it when I point out that she is hating the Church for something it doesn’t teach.
My point with all this is that if you divorce your husband, you will not solve your misery. You will only take it with you, because your husband is not the cause of it. You may say, “but he does A, B, and C!” I am sure he does, but you chose to marry this man, knowing it was a bad choice when you did it. You chose to have children with this man, knowing you made a bad choice when you married him. So, now, it is not fair to punish the only innocent souls in this whole thing for the choices you made.
Sacrifice for the well-being of your children. Stop being bitter about it, and saying you deserve something better or something else. Willingly give all that up for the well-being of your children. It’s a small thing to give up. Some mothers have to give up much more for the sake of their kids. Their welfare is supposed to be ABOVE ALL ELSE.
As for the fighting, throwing chairs and such…STOP IT. Just stop. You choose how you act. So stop acting like an angry child. You may not be able to stop his part in it, but you can stop yours. And if you don’t scream and throw things, maybe he won’t either. We help each other escalate in fights. If he tries to argue with you, just don’t argue back. These are all things you can choose. And each time you do, think to yourself, “I am doing this for my kids. I am doing this to give them the best chance. I am proud of myself for sacrificing for my children.” You, like my mother, are the source of your own misery, because you choose to dwell on what you don’t have that you think you should. You could have less misery by choosing to see the positive and being thankful for it.