Miserable Newlywed


#1

I recently got married but I'm really unhappy. The main problem is that I can't sleep at night. We just got a queen size bed and I feel so cramped. Every time I move, I feel like he's on top of me. I get so frustrated that I lay awake for hours waiting for the time when he leaves to go to work so then I can actually sleep. I don't know what to do but I find myself starting to resent him.

On top of that, I'm 8 weeks pregnant so I'm always hungry and nauseous and just generally uncomfortable most of the time. I wish I could just go back home. I find myself crying and Sometimes I just sit and wonder what have I gotten myself into.

Any advice would be much appreciated.


#2

While it might be uncomfortable to have to share your bed all of a sudden I hardly think that’s reason enough to be an unhappy newlywed.

I’m thinking it’s either the crazy pregnancy hormones which just make life insufferable at times, or that there is much more to the story than you shared on here. Perhaps marriage is turning out to be a disappointment because he is not what you expected, perhaps you were too spoiled at home and you’re finding these new responsibilities annoying or perhaps it’s simply the sudden changes that are overwhelming you- new living arrangements and pregnancy is A LOT. Don’t get discouraged, marriage is hard, but if there is love than it will be joyful!


#3

Getting used to living with someone can be a bit difficult. I completely understand about the sleeping problem. I was going crazy for months because of the same thing. But I got used to it and don't mind hubby next to me anymore. :)
Also, early pregnancy can be tough. But it will get better, I promise.
Do you think you could ask your husband to ocassionaly sleep on the sofa/in guest room while you are going through this? make sure he doesn't feel rejected, explain what you are going through and that it is only temporary.


#4

I agree with, and adopt, 1inICXC’s comments.

Also, I must respectfully, b strongly, disagree with Contra’s suggestion that OP “ask [her] husband to ocassionaly sleep on the sofa/in guest room while [she] is going through this? make sure he doesn’t feel rejected, explain what [OP] is going through and that it is only temporary.”

-Bad, bad, bad on so many levels IMHO.

–Kicking hubby out of the marriage bed is NEVER a good idea for a marriage…bar none, IMHO.
–While OP is “going through”…what? Pregnancy? Hormones? “a rough nite?” “Rough nites” may happen for many reasons. Kicking hubby out of bed is gong way overboard…
–…not least because it sets a terrible precedent. We kick out hubby because we have trouble sleeping? How about when we have post-partum depression? When in laws say something unkind…or whatever.
–There is no way to kick hubby out of the bed without hurting his feelings IMHO.
–How about we think of hubby in all this? By the original post, he’s the one working, not OP. Gee, I’m sure he will feel well-rested and able to be the sole support for his family after sleeping on the couch for a while.
–Exactly why is hubby getting kicked out? Because wife can’t sleep…because the bed isn’t big enough? “Buy a larger bed” is lot more palatable - if it’s even the real reason, and I suspect it’s not - than “kick hubby out.”

-Sorry, but “kick hubby out while this is going on” – particulalrly since it is unclear what “this” means – is a really bad idea on so many levels, and a great way to introduce the “d” word into the marriage.


#5

Solving the sleep issue is easy: get a king sized bed.

The pregnancy hormones and emotions are not so easy to solve, but they will pass. Lean on your husband and realize that it’s OK to cry.


#6

poor baby, typical newlywed and first pregnancy blues
yes it is sometimes impossible to get comfortable in bed while pregnant

I highly recommend a king size bed when you can afford it
you don’t mention snoring so count your blessings

welcome to the real world, we think “for better or worse” means something cataclysmic, but this is what they are talking about.

when you see your doctor about the nausea (and don’t wait if it really bothers you) mention you have the blues, diet is one area he will suggest you look at

one thing I learned is bring my own blanket if I want to keep warm, because he surely will not share

many many couples are going back to what was customary in my parents’ day, side by side twin or full beds, so they can cuddle in one or the other, or push them together, but sleep in their own space. that is the principle of the sleep number bed which is actually two beds joined in one frame. I discourage sleeping in separate rooms.


#7

I understand the queen bed issue - we solved it very cheaply by adding a single bed of the same height to the end of it, thus giving us more mattress space than if we had a king-size bed, for a fraction of the cost, and it is still one bed :slight_smile:


#8

[quote="DL82, post:7, topic:245134"]
I understand the queen bed issue - we solved it very cheaply by adding a single bed of the same height to the end of it, thus giving us more mattress space than if we had a king-size bed, for a fraction of the cost, and it is still one bed :)

[/quote]

Wow you got married? Good for you brother... I remember when you weren't and you were wondering about all sorts of things :)


#9

…right. All you have to do is tie the legs together.

Sad story, this should be the happiest time of your life, I hope you can find a solution that’s agreeable to the both of you.


#10

oh my gosh all this ‘newlywed’ talk is so exciting haha! - Sam and I are getting married next summer and we’re so incredibly excited for little things like these! - Without any experience nor knowledge on this subject I’d probably think too that the pregnancy plays a big role in your situation, but maybe a king size bed is what you two need? :slight_smile:


#11

If you just got a queen sized bed then return it or exchange it for a king (or California King…do they still make them?) and pay the difference.


#12

I completely understand. I am 5'3" and my husband is 6'4" so he takes up most of the bed. I have been struggling with that since we got married two years ago. He knows if we both try to go to bed at the same time, my insomnia kicks in badly and I don't sleep at all. So he started waiting until I fall asleep then comes to bed after I am dead to the world.


#13

I would strongly suggest two beds. I really think this is one major factor in people being ill-rested and having so many back problems. lots of people even sleep in different rooms when one person is a violent thrasher or snores like a freight train!

when I first got married I woke up every morning when he got up… and every single time he moved. i’m a pretty light sleeper, and he tosses and turns like it’s nobody’s business. I still wake up with some of the tossing (or when he occasionally rolls over *on *me :rolleyes:) but I generally don’t wake up in the morning anymore. the dog also learned to stay asleep, lol. but honestly, my best sleep is when I have the bed to myself cause he’s away for work or on fri or sat night if he falls asleep on the couch!

I also second the “make sure you have your own blanket” idea - it’s much easier to stay asleep when your covers aren’t being yanked around all night…

and of course, the whole being preggo thing I’m sure is contributing to it. I would def talk to the dr, see if there’s anything you can do there, and for good measure talk to a priest about what you’re feeling. maybe ask mary for some help sleeping, right before you go to bed?


#14

I would strongly suggest two beds.

"Lucy, I'm hoooome!"

Sorry, couldn't resist. :o


#15

As you can see from my post, I suggested she asks the husband to occasionally sleep on the sofa. I’m not suggesting she kicks him out. No reason to twist words like that.

I happen to suffer from insomnia and my husband is very happy to let me sleep alone for a night when things are bad. It does help me rest better. It is up to the OP in the end, this is just a suggestion.


#16

KING SIZE BED!!!! It will save your marriage :)

Retrouvaille - first 2 stages of marriage:

Honeymoon - everything's perfect
Disillusionment - you begin to see eachother's flaws and they begin to get on your nerves...

completely normal honey!!!

Hang in there! Marriage is a tough vocation.


#17

IDKWTDWH,

I am also a newlywed and had a similar situation starting out but it was the other way around. Apparently, the first month, I snored...very badly. Every night of our honeymoon, my hubby was waking up from it and one night took a blanket and slept out on the balcony (we were on a cruise). I felt so bad and after a couple weeks of this really started to wonder if I would be causing my husband permanent insomnia and ultimately drive him away. He was cranky all the time and I also slept very badly because he was pushing me around when I would snore. By that time we both resented each other quite a bit and and the lack of sleep on both ends only made things worse.

Thankfully, we figured out what caused my snoring. The slightest nasal congestion, whether from a cold or allergies, would cause me to snore. Once I got over the barely noticable cold, my snoring stopped completely. Once we realized what it was, and talked about it, my hubby was a lot more forgiving and we got along so much better (well, until I have another cold, then I might spend a few nights on the couch for his sake).

While you have a lot more going on, with being pregnant and everything, my point is you need to discuss your feelings and fears with your husband. While it may sound cheesy, communication is absolutely everything. Your husband is not a mind reader. You guys are a team now and if he doesn't understand your suffering, how can the healing ever begin? Good luck and hang in there!


#18

The first trimester of pregnancy is hard. I wasn't hungry all the time, but I felt HOT all of the time and being hot made me get sick. We had the bed in the living room right next to the air conditioner and we ended up switching sides so that I could get the full force of the air conditioning. My husband has always liked things cold, but a lot of times we were having to get him extra blankets because he was shivering.

Right now we're doing fine in a queen. I even bring the baby into the queen to nurse and my husband gives me enough room. I do find that his weight tends to sink the bed toward his side and that gradually I keep sliding toward him.

If I were you, I'd discuss returning the queen if its at all possible and trying to find a used king. I'm figuring you don't just have the financial freedom to buy your ideal bed.

Toward the end of the pregnancy, I was snoring very loudly anyway. My husband tried sleeping on the pull out bed for a night which helped him a little bit. Eventually he bought ear plugs. After the baby was born, we had issues with the light. I needed enough light to safely take the baby out of the arms reach cosleeper to nurse and the light would wake him up. So he bought a sleeping mask for himself


#19

[quote="Serap, post:16, topic:245134"]
KING SIZE BED!!!! It will save your marriage :)

Retrouvaille - first 2 stages of marriage:

Honeymoon - everything's perfect
Disillusionment - you begin to see eachother's flaws and they begin to get on your nerves...

completely normal honey!!!

Hang in there! Marriage is a tough vocation.

[/quote]

I think my husband and I skipped the honeymoon stage because of vaginismus and then getting pregnant right away. But now over a year later I feel far closer to him and understand him better because of all that we went through. Struggling through it, learning and loving when it is difficult (and praying together daily) strengthens marriage so much.


#20

[quote="1ke, post:5, topic:245134"]
Solving the sleep issue is easy: get a king sized bed.

The pregnancy hormones and emotions are not so easy to solve, but they will pass. Lean on your husband and realize that it's OK to cry.

[/quote]

Bravo!

Yes, lean on your husband, cry on his shoulder. Include him in the experience of pregnancy.

Do you think hubby is also uncomfortable in some aspect? Learning to live with another person in the same bed, the bathroom, the kitchen, all of our individual quirks clash sometimes.

It will get better. Your husband can be and should be your best friend. Tell him that you miss living at home with your parents. Let him comfort you.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!!!!!


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