I brough in my 40th BD without my 1st son at my side, we were inseperable. He died 16 months ago. He was the reason i got up every day, as he was terminally ill. You would neve know it to look, as his spirit was strong and faithful. He moved with a desperate apreciation of the daily gift of a sunrise. He wanted to be a teacher, teach Drama and Religion…at his own High School. He wanted to help others become inspired with life, follow their hearts and dreams. He wanted them to know that there would always be someone who believed they could do it…him! He also knew of the plight of his younger siblings (5 & 6 now) and the nescesity of keeping them spiritually grounded. My husband works a terrible amount of hours and my son was never asked, he parented them as if they were his own. They were extensions of him, and it pains me to know that in the long run, they will not remember his daily smiles and virtues he implimented into their moments. The day before he died, he was so worn down - hospitalized, but expecting to go home. Jokingly he said so many times, “Now you know when we get home after a few days, we will have our hands full…they will be saying no, stomping their feet and…well he will of wiped out most of our progress in the last few months…so make sure you are firm ma, don’t give in…make them love life, reach for it with God on their sleves…i want them to have the oportunity to know their selves enough to reach for the stars , if that is what they want…Right Ma…Are you listening to me?” Well with a tear in my eyes i said, i hear everything sweetheart, you know that you are more of a Father than their own, i love your heart, they are so blessed to have you be a part of their lives!
Who would have known that less than 12 hours latter, he would pass away with his Homeward Bound T-shirt on listing some scripture on it about going home to the Lord, saying to me (although flatlined for over 30 min. at the time), “It’s ok Ma, i’ll be alright!”
Now i am in a Marriage that has me without a partner due to the hours he keeps, the lac of interest, and all alone…with a sense of being in a hole i can not get out of. Love and devotion, as well as the true belief in the prommise before the Lord, that i will stay-unless they are in danger. They are not, as i have been quite frank with my girls about God and my belief system. They honestly tutor him…and i am glad for it, as he at least will sit long enough to listen, and smile at their debth. With me, he walks before i say a word.
Strange to say it, but i feel like i have lost my best friend, partner and confidaunt…as well as my son!
When i think of where he is, i smile, it is beautiful, he can breath, run, and Fly as his sisters believe! The sad part is the life i can not get a grip on…i still jump at times thinking i have to pick him up from school. There is such great debth in the void i feel!
I am aware of many outlets, and i thank you for your desire to lead hope into my days for me. I can not get out very much, and was hoping to reach people regardless…so this will be my new spiritual link…it is something i just can not loose!