Modesty and wanting to wear skirts! my mother doesn't understand it


#1

Hey, I got a problem that is causing problems in my family. I want to wear skirts and dress and be more modest ladylike. My mother is having a problem with it. She thinks I need to dress more in style and modern to get a husband and draw attention.She thinks I look more traditional and old fashioned and like a old woman she saids. I feel called by God to wear skirts,dresses and dress more modestly in his eyes. My mom can't seem to understand it or get it, and it's causing problems between us. I am 19 almost 20years old living at home and she runs my life, but can't seem to let me grow up. I do have a calling from God to serve him and the church. I haven't told her about my vocation because i'm afraid of her reaction to it and won't understand nor get me.
Do any of you have any advice for me or what to do?


#2

Dress modestly, yes. By dressing modestly, you are telling people that you want to be pure. You don't want to show off any skin, and your most definately are not lustful. You show, that you don't want to go along with the current dirty "fashions" (rags just sown together that are slapped on ones back = dress?).

You must tell your Mother why. She might understand a wee bit more! :)
God Bless You!


#3

Are you working and bringing in any money of your own? If you are, then keep her out of it and buy your own clothing. Do you know how to sew? You may want to start learning how to make simple dresses and skirts to your own tastes (there are tons of easy patterns out there).

I think explaining to her WHY you want to dress this way will help her understand. You are an adult - it is not up to her how you dress, especially if her motives are not entirely in line with your own personal and spiritual priorities.

Why is she making such a fuss about it? Do you think she feels threatened in some way by your modesty? Does your mother dress super trendy or younger than her years?

I hope that a good adult conversation about this will solve the problem, otherwise you may had to deal with this until you are in a position to move out.

~Liza


#4

I think it is great that you, a young woman, wants to dress modestly. Hopefully you can have some communication with your Mom to help her understand you.

My family is all grown and on their own, but I would have been thrilled if one of my daughters wanted to wear skirts and dresses. When my daughters were your age skin tight jeans were what most wore.


#5

[quote="jet100, post:1, topic:196432"]
My mom can't seem to understand it or get it, and it's causing problems between us. I am 19 almost 20years old living at home and she runs my life, but can't seem to let me grow up.

[/quote]

It's been my experience that, the more I try to explain things, the more people feel they can criticize me and tell me I'm wrong. :shrug: So, I don't explain anything anymore, especially to my family. I just do it. I'm not convinced that someone who, as you described above, still wants to have quite a bit of control over your life, is really all that interested in your reasons for doing things in a more Godly way, anyway. I mean, you can try to explain yourself if you really want, but I would keep it fairly brief. The more you seem like you're justifying and rationalizing your preferences, the more the other person may think it's up for debate, when it isn't. :D


#6

Hi Jet,
Your subject line caught my attention because my eldest daughter is exactly like you, and my wife is similar to your mom. My daughter 25, has been dressing like you want to since she was a young teen. My wife used the same excuse that she wouldn't find a 'guy' because she wasn't modern enough. Well she did have a guy for a couple of years, and loved him very much. But, she discerned that God had other plans, and is now soon about to enter Religious life.

I agree with others. I think you're certainly old enough to decide that for yourself. And if you 'WERE' trying to meet a guy, well, I suspect that God, -being pleased with your modesty-decision-, likely has the extra graces available to make that happen. :)


#7

May God abundantly bless you!!


#8

And your mom should bear in mind the kind of husband you want is not the one who's only pursuing a girl because she dresses provocatively.


#9

[quote="jet100, post:1, topic:196432"]
My mother is having a problem with it. She thinks I need to dress more in style and modern to get a husband and draw attention.

[/quote]

After all, a woman without a husband is nothing, right?

I say, good for you. No quality man is going to be put off by a girl who has self-respect.


#10

I didn’t read much of the thread but here is my opinion as a 24 year old man. I think young women look pretty in skirts and dresses. As long as your butt isn’t hanging out or you don’t look amish I think you will be fine. Stores like old navy seem to sell modest yet fashionable skirts for young women- my girlfriend has several from there.


#11

Modest need not mean frumpy. Perhaps your mom would let up a bit if you made an effort to develop a personal style that is expressive of your personality and tastes, and not merely covered-up. Maybe you already have - we don't know since we don't have photos - ;).

Presenting yourself to the world attractively is part of being a credible witness to Christ. If people are put off by your personal style (or lack thereof), you won't get far with them when it comes to sharing the good news. If you're elegant and interesting and pleasant to be with, people will want to know your secret. When it turns out to be your faith, that will fascinate them, and you'll be in a good position to help them with their faith. Besides saving our own souls, that's what we're here for, isn't it?

Betsy


#12

It sounds like your mom might be more worried that you'll look frumpy and boring than that you won't be showing a lot of skin. (To take the more charitable interpretation, anyway.) But it's definitely possible to be both fashionable and modest - even though sometimes it takes a bit more work. I go to a Catholic college where we have a fairly strict dress code, and despite the rules most of us manage to look pretty good, if I may say so myself! :D

For example, the "maxi dress" seems to be in these days (this is just one example), and with suitable adjustments on top (a tank top or tee underneath or a cardigan on top) I think most would be as modest as anything. Ankle- or knee-length tiered skirts (like this one) are also quite popular and comfy to boot! If you don't object to showing a bit of shin (I think it's perfectly fine), one look I've seen a lot both among Catholic girls and out in the "real world" is a fun printed knee-length skirt (this site has some nice ones, though you can get them all over the place really) with a modest top and a cardigan sweater.

Speaking of tops, you can often fix uncomfortably low necklines by wearing a layer underneath. The girls here are all big fans of Aeropostale's lace camisoles - I wouldn't advise wearing them alone as they picture the models doing, but they're lovely for filling in V-necks and they're long, so they prevent embarrassing moments if your top happens to ride up. And they're pretty. :thumbsup: (I always cut out the shelf bra in mine, so I can pull the top up a bit higher than it's designed to go.)

For what it's worth, many people tell me that guys - at least the ones we'd be interested in! - often appreciate it when women wear skirts and dresses. Being ladylike (and not frumpy and sanctimonious) can be quite attractive, it seems!


#13

[quote="jet100, post:1, topic:196432"]
I want to wear skirts and dress and be more modest ladylike. My mother is having a problem with it. She thinks I need to dress more in style and modern to get a husband and draw attention.She thinks I look more traditional and old fashioned and like a old woman she saids. I feel called by God to wear skirts,dresses and dress more modestly in his eyes. My mom can't seem to understand it or get it, and it's causing problems between us. I am 19 almost 20years old living at home and she runs my life, but can't seem to let me grow up. I do have a calling from God to serve him and the church. I haven't told her about my vocation because i'm afraid of her reaction to it and won't understand nor get me.

[/quote]

I think it's great that a woman your age feels compelled to dress modestly. There are lots of modern and fashionable clothing (and patterns to make your own) out there. More power to you! You're an adult, and your Spirituality is your most important asset.

I can relate to your situation. I'm married so snagging a man isn't my issue, but my mom still thinks it's "weird" for me to wear skirts and dresses on a regular basis. I recently started covering my hair full time - her reaction to that was ":rolleyes: You're not Jewish" (she is a life-long Catholic, but more on the progressive side). I like it. My husband likes it, and most importantly - I do it in humility before God.

Ironically, back when I wasn't practicing and came home all tattooed and pierced in every imaginable area, she had nothing to say, but when I choose the other end of the spectrum, it becomes an issue... I dunno! :shrug:


#14

You may have to have a talk with her to "agree to disagree" and let her know that you have your reasons for dressing this way, and it's fine that she doesn't understand them or agree with you. Just continue to pray for her heart to be enlightened to understand the great beauty of this. And try experimenting with different styles of skirts and dresses that can be authentically your style, as Aetheria has mentioned (beautiful maxi skirt, by the way, love it!).

As an aside... I think we should have a place where we women who want to dress in skirts and dresses can share pics and/or ideas!

Pax,
Palomas


#15

Congratulations on figuring this out so early! I was several years out of college before I even began to think about dressing modestly... and I think life would have been much easier in many ways if I'd figured it out a decade earlier.

I agree with others here who've pointed out that dressing immodestly attracts a man who is looking for certain things... and that's probably not the type of relationship most mom's want for their daughters!

I'd also like to second others here who've said that modest doesn't necessarily mean frumpy. It isn't easy to find completely modest clothes these days, but I'm always on the lookout (on sale racks!) and I've found that with layering some really cute looks can be created with what you find in most stores. I've also taken some of my older, inappropriate outfits, thrown a tank top under them and a cardigan over and many then become cute, covered outfits (that usually works with a dress that's long, but that is low cut or strapless.

I'd second learning to sew too! I love Vintage Vogue and after making some dresses for my daughter I've been hard at work on my first Vintage Vogue dress in my spare sewing time. I'm just hoping it fits after I have this baby!

You might want to try to gently point out to your mom that when you dress modestly you get a different type of attention. I've noticed now that I dress more modestly I don't get leered at as much in a creepy way, but a lot more men stop and open doors and are just polite! There's a whole different level of respect, that definitely would have been useful to have realized back in my single days!


#16

Is your mother on the contraceptive pill or has she taken it previously? The pill is influencing modern fashion towards more boyish trousers and also boyish hair cuts for women. Some pills if not all contain a testosterone supplement norethisterone or norethindrone labelled as progesterone. However, trousers are better than miniskirts for a Catholic as they are more modest.


#17

:thumbsup:

Well, you will attract a really good guy or God will just decide to keep you for himself. :wink:
This all comes down to evangelization and conversion on your mothers part. There are some great books on why to dress modestly, although I don’t have any titles for you at the moment. The history of fashion is interesting and how women became unmodest in their dress. Satan has had his hand in this arena for far too long. Dressing modestly is a weapon to a certain degree towards the enemy. (Virgin Mary) You will find more men responding out of respect and you’ll notice too that men WANT to express chivalry. Hmmmm…go figure. :smiley:

Hoping you know that you do not have to dress in a dour skirt, there a lot of nice dress/skirt patterns to choose from. It’s nice to hear that God has called you to His fashion as there are many of us that have been called as well.

God Bless You! :thumbsup:


#18

We’re only hearing one side here, so I’m going to take a different approach here. BTW, my husband and I have two grown daughters. Both girls moved out of the house (to attend college in a different city) when they were 18. My older daughter lives on her own in a huge city, and works while attending grad school. My younger daughter married at the age of 22 to the man she had been dating since she was 14.

Do you date? Do you go out socially in groups where young men are present?

You’re 19, almost 20, and still living at home with your parents. You say that your mother doesn’t let you grow up. Are you sure it’s your mother who is stopping the process? I assume there is a really good reason why you are still living at home at your age. (College expenses?)

Your mother is rightfully concerned about your future. She wants you to marry and have a family–there’s nothing wrong with that.

The modest clothing isn’t the issue. Many men will still find you attractive and be happy to court you.

The issue is, are you trying to avoid dating and meeting men? If not, then have enjoy wearing the clothing of your convictions.

But if you are avoiding meeting men, and dressing modestly to delay growing up, then I think your mother has a legitimate concern.

As long as you live at home, you will probably have to remain in the “daughter role” that you have experienced all your life. So IMO, start looking around at the options for moving away from home. Then you can make your own decisions about everything, including your clothing.


#19

[quote="jet100, post:1, topic:196432"]
Hey, I got a problem that is causing problems in my family. I want to wear skirts and dress and be more modest ladylike. My mother is having a problem with it. She thinks I need to dress more in style and modern to get a husband and draw attention.She thinks I look more traditional and old fashioned and like a old woman she saids. I feel called by God to wear skirts,dresses and dress more modestly in his eyes. My mom can't seem to understand it or get it, and it's causing problems between us. I am 19 almost 20years old living at home and she runs my life, but can't seem to let me grow up. I do have a calling from God to serve him and the church. I haven't told her about my vocation because i'm afraid of her reaction to it and won't understand nor get me.
Do any of you have any advice for me or what to do?

[/quote]

you're not doing anything wrong. Im in a very similar situation :( I'm trying to dress modestly but my family doesn't always understand. I don't suggest arguing with your mom or even explaining, because this can easily become an argument, unless done in the right way and at the right time. I think you're right in wanting to dress modestly, and that's also a great way to imitate our Blessed Mother :) immodesty can lead others into sin, and it's also not pleasing to God.

what I'm trying to do about this situation, is find a balance between trendy and modest. that way, everyone's happy lol. I layer my tops, and sometimes wear a lacy tank top underneath a v-neck top cause it looks pretty but is also more modest. There are some really nice skirts that are longer than the knee, and are both modest and ladylike! also, i try to accessorize with cute bags or shoes and such....

however I think it's also important to not get sucked into vanity too much and be a bit detached from appearance, - that's better for us spiritually. So often I just want to focus on the modesty aspect and that's it. I think being attractive is so much more than clothing. For example, smiling can be very attractive.. being friendly, good to people... that's much better than wearing designer jeans. ;) and importantly, pleasing God is SO MUCH more important than looking good to attract guys. But my point is, anyone can look good while being totally modest too.


#20

I respectfully disagree with this post.

It’s not a necessity to date, want marriage, look for men, etc. Not everyone is called to marriage, some are called to religious life… also, even if a person’s vocation is marriage, it doesn’t mean they’re ready to date at 19. You’re ready to date once you’re ready to marry. It doesn’t make people less grown up if they’re not dating… it just means that they’re trying to use that time, when they’re single, to grow closer to God and to grow as a person. That is wonderful, I think :slight_smile: so many focus on romantic relationships even if they’re not ready to marry, and I think it can really help to spend time growing in faith first. This way, once the person IS ready to marry, they can start looking for a spouse and the time they took being single prepared them to be a *better *husband or wife. I suggest to the OP to do what she feels lead in her heart to do, and not to look for guys just because everyone is, but find her own path. At 19, probably no one is ready for marriage. This is the time to think about school or college or work, to figure out your calling in life, to grow closer to God, etc, - that can be overwhelming enough without trying to find a boyfriend.

I’m sorry I just don’t think it’s the best idea to say to someone, “everyone is looking for dates why not you!”. Each person has a unique path and should follow God’s will for their lives, and not do something just because “everyone” is doing it. (anyways, it’s not everyone, many people are in the same situation). For the past couple years, I’ve felt called to grow closer to God and to focus on my relationship with Him, rather than going to parties, meeting people, dating guys, etc. I’ve found that this helped me to grow as a person and has prepared me for the future MUCH better. Also, it gave me a great gift of a closer relationship with Him. I’m glad that I didn’t follow the crowd… now Im discerning my vocation to marriage or religious life, and if I find that God wants me to marry, then I would date.

As for living at home, there are many reasons why people live at home. Many of my friends are above 20, but they live at home while going to college, cause they live near and there’s no point in finding a place when you live 30 minutes away. They are not any less adult than those I know who moved out, and they are doing well in their classes and are very responsible/mature, and are faithful Catholics. Im moving out next year, and I feel that living with my family for the past couple years has been a good idea.

About modesty, I don’t think people dress modestly to delay growing up… if I had a boyfriend, or a husband, I’d still want to dress modestly. I’d imagine that’s true for others as well.

God bless


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