Mommies of CAF - Advice for a son!


#1

Hi :slight_smile:

I was thinking about my mom recently, how much she does for me, sacrifices, stuff she’s been through, etc. It dawned on me that since I can remember, I’ve never said that I love her or that I appreciate it or that I am proud of her. I mean, in some ways that isn’t out of the ordinary. My parents are divorced, and I grew up with my (somewhat physically, more so emotionally) abusive and emotionally withdrawn father. My mom was miles away in another continent, and for the last 10 years I’ve seen her for a grand total of about 4 months added together.

My dad, god bless him, does nothing really to support me. Though I chose to live with him (looking back, the only reason why is probably because he was the Catholic one, God was obviously working that year…) he could never support me - not financially or emotionally (I lived in a seperate flat to him for the last 2 years of school before university)… My mom paid for my private schooling, my good university, my flights over, trips elsewhere, in fact, I never go without, I actually have everything I want. She is a self made millionare because of her intelligence and hard work. And I am proud of her.

But anyway… I want to tell her I love her and I’m proud but I don’t know how. I don’t want to sound… I don’t know… I have never said it. She says it whenever she calls (once a month). Won’t it just be too out of the ordinary for me? It’s not in my personality anyway - I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone I loved them. So if I told her now, would she be suspicious that I want something? Would she think of me differently? I know that sounds weird. But I’d like advice please :slight_smile:

p.s. we communicate mainly in email so it’ll be in email :slight_smile:


#2

On this topic i would say there's no question that breakups can be painful, and that it's difficult to trust and love again. But there are ways to get past the pain. Here is some of Dr. Phil's advice for healing the heartbreak.

In time, it is absolutely vital to put the pain behind you and move forward with your life and love. Otherwise, you are giving away your power to the people who hurt you.

Sometimes the relationship you need to rescue is the one with yourself. Moving past a breakup is about you, not your ex.

Don't start thinking about being friends right away — if ever. You have to be your own friend first.

Grief is a process to go through, not a destination in which to wallow. In a process, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and each little step is part of your healing.

Define your real intentions. Are you trying to move past the breakup, or are you hoping to get back with your ex? You won't move on until you've accepted that the relationship is over.

Be careful about the language you use. When you use catastrophic terms like "nightmare," "terrible," and "horrible," you're bound to spend time dwelling on the negative. Focus on what you can do.

Sometimes you can't get over being hurt until you know you've been heard. Give yourself permission to express your anger and sadness.

Don't embarrass yourself or put yourself in a situation where you'll look back and feel humiliated. Driving past your ex's house, making dozens of phone calls or e-mailing non-stop is no way to let go of the past or come out with your head high.


#3

Your mother will be very pleased to see that you have finally put it into words. I’m sure she does know that you love and appreciate her, but it sounds as if, up until now, the relationship has been her giving and you taking. Might be time to start correcting that balance. She might think of you differently, yes, but not with suspicion. She will be happy.

If it were me, I’d probably write the normal email, and then at the bottom just write something like “Mom, I know I don’t tell you this in words, but I want you to know that I love you very much. It seemed like the right time to let you know that.”

Please let us know how it goes. And hugs to you for recognizing that your mommy does love you and care for you! I’ll bet your relationship grows even closer after you do use the words that everyone loves to hear!


#4

[quote="servitium, post:2, topic:216666"]
On this topic i would say there's no question that breakups can be painful, and that it's difficult to trust and love again. But there are ways to get past the pain. Here is some of Dr. Phil's advice for healing the heartbreak.

In time, it is absolutely vital to put the pain behind you and move forward with your life and love. Otherwise, you are giving away your power to the people who hurt you.

Sometimes the relationship you need to rescue is the one with yourself. Moving past a breakup is about you, not your ex.

Don't start thinking about being friends right away — if ever. You have to be your own friend first.

Grief is a process to go through, not a destination in which to wallow. In a process, you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and each little step is part of your healing.

Define your real intentions. Are you trying to move past the breakup, or are you hoping to get back with your ex? You won't move on until you've accepted that the relationship is over.

Be careful about the language you use. When you use catastrophic terms like "nightmare," "terrible," and "horrible," you're bound to spend time dwelling on the negative. Focus on what you can do.

Sometimes you can't get over being hurt until you know you've been heard. Give yourself permission to express your anger and sadness.

Don't embarrass yourself or put yourself in a situation where you'll look back and feel humiliated. Driving past your ex's house, making dozens of phone calls or e-mailing non-stop is no way to let go of the past or come out with your head high.

[/quote]

:confused::confused::confused: I think this must have been put here in error, it really has nothing to do with the OP's question.


#5

[quote="NewsTheMan, post:1, topic:216666"]
But anyway... I want to tell her I love her and I'm proud but I don't know how. I don't want to sound... I don't know... I have never said it. She says it whenever she calls (once a month). Won't it just be too out of the ordinary for me? It's not in my personality anyway - I don't think I've ever told anyone I loved them. So if I told her now, would she be suspicious that I want something? Would she think of me differently? I know that sounds weird. But I'd like advice please :)

p.s. we communicate mainly in email so it'll be in email :)

[/quote]

She calls you once a month? Do you end the conversation with, "Love you. Bye."? If not, what a great opportunity to start saying you love her, and it's the last thing she'd hear after every phone call. :love:


#6

[quote="Truly_Beloved, post:5, topic:216666"]
She calls you once a month? Do you end the conversation with, "Love you. Bye."? If not, what a great opportunity to start saying you love her, and it's the last thing she'd hear after every phone call. :love:

[/quote]

:o Woah there. Emailing the words will be hard enough, on phone once I month, silly as it sounds, its beyond me.


#7

I have always told my parents that I love them so I would never have any regrets. However, once, I noticed that my dad didn't ever say "I love you (too)" back to me. He would always say something like "all right". So one day out of the blue I asked him about it. He thought I knew he loved me (I did) so he didn't think to say it back. (And in thinking about it, he probably never heard it growing up either.) So NOW, it doesn't matter where we are, he will make sure I hear it back (even if he's yelling it across a store parking lot!)

So you should say to your mother, out of the blue, "You know, I don't know why I never tell you how much I love you, appreciate you, am proud of you, etc....but I do. I hope you know that."

I'm sure she will appreciate it. It is always good to hear.

Side note, I have always told my children that I love them every day of their known existence (when we first knew we were expecting) without fail. So this generation is responsible for making it happen. My father has always told me "You, the individual, are the connecting link between your ancestry and your posterity." I always thought he was just making something up, but now that I am a father myself, I get it.

Good Luck.

Oh, you wanted a mom's opinion, sorry. But I still hope you'll read it.


#8

[quote="NewsTheMan, post:6, topic:216666"]
:o Woah there. Emailing the words will be hard enough, on phone once I month, silly as it sounds, its beyond me.

[/quote]

Take it one step at a time. I take it you are in the UK, since you said "flat" and "university." Brits are not usually as demonstrative as we Yanks are. You don't have to gush all over your mother, email is perfect as it is a couple of steps removed from face to face contact. Just the fact that you are thinking about saying it means that you are ready for the next step.

It's going to feel strange at first, and out of place, but just write up a little statement of your own and paste it in. Or, you could make it your signature, if you don't want to even draw any attention to your use of it, like "love, your son" or some such. If you've never said it before, she'll notice it, I guarantee it. She might not say anything to you, for fear of causing you embarrassment, but she'll notice it.

Now, about Mother's Day....(Mothering Sunday over there)

:)


#9

[quote="NewsTheMan, post:1, topic:216666"]
Hi :)

I was thinking about my mom recently, how much she does for me, sacrifices, stuff she's been through, etc. It dawned on me that since I can remember, I've never said that I love her or that I appreciate it or that I am proud of her. I mean, in some ways that isn't out of the ordinary. My parents are divorced, and I grew up with my (somewhat physically, more so emotionally) abusive and emotionally withdrawn father. My mom was miles away in another continent, and for the last 10 years I've seen her for a grand total of about 4 months added together.

My dad, god bless him, does nothing really to support me. Though I chose to live with him (looking back, the only reason why is probably because he was the Catholic one, God was obviously working that year...) he could never support me - not financially or emotionally (I lived in a seperate flat to him for the last 2 years of school before university)... My mom paid for my private schooling, my good university, my flights over, trips elsewhere, in fact, I never go without, I actually have everything I want. She is a self made millionare because of her intelligence and hard work. And I am proud of her.

But anyway... I want to tell her I love her and I'm proud but I don't know how. I don't want to sound... I don't know... I have never said it. She says it whenever she calls (once a month). Won't it just be too out of the ordinary for me? It's not in my personality anyway - I don't think I've ever told anyone I loved them. So if I told her now, would she be suspicious that I want something? Would she think of me differently? I know that sounds weird. But I'd like advice please :)

p.s. we communicate mainly in email so it'll be in email :)

[/quote]

Well, how about stating your feelings along the same lines as what you wrote here? That you were thinking about how much she has done for you over the years in spite of your physical separation and that you know that her life hasn't been the easiest but she obviously moved on and built a better life. She unselfishly shared what she had to make sure you were taken care of and you are proud of her and you love her.

As a mom, I would never be suspicious of my own child saying she loves me. I am nothing but grateful!

Good luck and God Bless!


#10

Courage, man! Courage!!

Seriously, really quick, right before she says, “Goodbye,” casually say, “Okay, talk to you later. Love-you-bye.” :smiley:


#11

Today, it seems that I’m recommending this book on all the thread. :smiley:

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

5lovelanguages.com/

It sounds to me like your mom’s love language might be gift giving. If so, she’ll hear your “I love you” better if you send it with a personal gift.


#12

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