Monogamous married Catholic bisexual


#1

Well I am a new convert to Catholicism (from an Evangelical group) who is happily married to a Catholic man. One problem is that I am bisexual. I am monogamous. Contrary to popular belief bisexual is just someone who is attracted to both genders, not someone who sleeps with both (just think of it that you were straight before you had sex like we are bisexual before and in spite of if we have sex with both genders).

The problem is that there are no Catholic ministries I can find for bisexuals. There are plenty for homosexuals, but not for bisexuals. Now you may be wondering why the homosexual ones aren’t “good enough”. It isn’t that they aren’t good ministries, but I find that misconceptions and prejudices against bisexuality are almost as prevalent in the homosexual community as they are in the heterosexual.

I have found misconceptions from the heterosexual and homosexual communities to be much the same. 1. That if you are bisexual you are just going through a phase and/or haven’t figured out your “true” sexuality. (many think we are just closeted homosexuals looking for the easy way out) 2. We are promiscuous and will have sex with just about anyone. (I’ve heard us called greedy sexually) 3. We are just following the bisexual trend or that bisexual women are doing it just to please men.

All of which are untrue and offensive. Most of us are pretty sure about our sexuality and there are plenty life-long bisexuals. Bisexuals can be celibate, in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, monogamous in a homosexual relationship, poly-amorous, swingers, or anywhere in between just like everyone else. Bisexuality has always been around and will always be around. While some are not true bisexuals other people in other sexualities pose as others for various reasons.

I know this seems like a lot of explanation, but I am looking for a group of people who understand and relate. I have a hard time talking to anyone but my husband about my sexuality for fear of being misunderstood and even hated. Does anyone know of any Catholic Bisexual (NOT homosexual, because I am bisexual not a homosexual) ministries out there?


#2

Why aren't Courage or chastity groups good enough for whatever sexuality a person is?


#3

First of all, God bless. This is tough.

Frankly, however, looking at it from the heterosexual side - you're splitting hairs, aren't you? What is the difference between homosexuals, and bisexuals who have sex with the same gender, and then have sex with the opposite gender? Doesn't change things much.

If you are monogamous with your husband, then just like homosexuals, you are called as a Catholic to not have same sex sexual relations.

Does your husband know, and how does he handle that?


#4

Welcome to the Church! :)

I'm not sure about ministries, but I have a friend who's in a similar situation. She's bisexual but soon to be married. What has worked for her is having a regular spiritual director who has heard her story, understands, and is able to help her one-on-one. I think another option would be to seek counseling - there has been some success, at least in the homosexuality field, in individuals ridding themselves of unwanted/bothersome temptations and inclinations.

It's probably a lack of education that would lead Catholics to judge you. That's a much bigger problem that I don't think being out in a support group will fix. Once it's out, it's out and your average uneducated Catholic is likely to take the information the wrong way. :/

EDIT: In addition, it really helps my church that we have a priest who really understands the teachings of the Church on this issue, and helps us to understand them as well. It might be hard to find a priest who 'gets' it, depending on where you are, but that's the best thing you can do :) God Bless!


#5

I can’t understand? Since you are now married, wouldn’t it be common sense just to throw away the attraction to women part of your life now? Considering that you are meant to be in a chaste, marriage, to me, there’s not even a need to go to a group.

Before you say “You don’t understand where I sit”, I can assure you that I can completely understand something that I never ever wanted to reveal here. As a woman who struggled with this issue and also as a woman who’s been faithfully married to a man for almost 30 years, believe me, I understand.

Bisexuality is something that IS a choice, it’s a choice of which action we will take with our sexuality. You and I both have chosen the right path… the decision has been made. I understand that the attraction is still there, but what does it matter now? Married women who haven’t got this crutch are still attracted to men, but they’ve made the choice of marriage… time to throw away their attraction to OTHER men. When we marry as God intends, we make an oath to God and to our spouse that this person will be our one and only.

Rather than look for a group for bisexuals, I think perhaps you would do well to go to a priest and perhaps to a catholic councellor to help you work through this if your eyes and feelings are still wanting to roam.


#6

Bisexuals can’t cut a break anywhere. They’re mistrusted, misunderstood, and sometimes reviled in gay and lesbian communities as well as the wider culture we all share.

I have not seen a Catholic bisexual ministry, but that’s not to say there isn’t one out there somewhere. Unfortunately, I can only echo a pp and suggest you seek out a priest or spiritual director who understands bisexuality. If that’s not possible, allow your husband to be your rock and refuge in this.


#7

I can't understand? Since you are now married, wouldn't it be common sense just to throw away the attraction to women part of your life now? Considering that you are meant to be in a chaste, marriage, to me, there's not even a need to go to a group.

Before you say "You don't understand where I sit", I can assure you that I can completely understand something that I never ever wanted to reveal here. As a woman who struggled with this issue and also as a woman who's been faithfully married to a man for almost 30 years, believe me, I understand.

Bisexuality is something that IS a choice, it's a choice of which action we will take with our sexuality. You and I both have chosen the right path...** the decision has been made.** I understand that the attraction is still there, but what does it matter now? Married women who haven't got this crutch are still attracted to men, but they've made the choice of marriage... time to throw away their attraction to OTHER men. When we marry as God intends, we make an oath to God and to our spouse that this person will be our one and only.

Rather than look for a group for bisexuals, I think perhaps you would do well to go to a priest and perhaps to a catholic councellor to help you work through this if your eyes and feelings are still wanting to roam.

this is good advice.


#8

To answer these two I will quote what I said earlier. (Prejudice makes it hard to open up!) Also my husband has been the only person I have been able to talk about this openly with.

"Now you may be wondering why the homosexual ones aren’t “good enough”. It isn’t that they aren’t good ministries, but I find that misconceptions and prejudices against bisexuality are almost as prevalent in the homosexual community as they are in the heterosexual.

I have found misconceptions from the heterosexual and homosexual communities to be much the same. 1. That if you are bisexual you are just going through a phase and/or haven’t figured out your “true” sexuality. (many think we are just closeted homosexuals looking for the easy way out) 2. We are promiscuous and will have sex with just about anyone. (I’ve heard us called greedy sexually) 3. We are just following the bisexual trend or that bisexual women are doing it just to please men."

Thanks for reading and being understanding this was by far the most helpful.

Just because I am happily married does not mean that my same sex attraction has gone away. It has not. My husband has been the most understanding so far, but he has no same sex attractions, so he can’t really understand and he recognizes that. I need people to talk to that understand my situation. I have been to counselors, which I have found a lack of understanding.


#9

[quote="karow, post:6, topic:239983"]
Bisexuals can't cut a break anywhere. They're mistrusted, misunderstood, and sometimes reviled in gay and lesbian communities as well as the wider culture we all share.

I have not seen a Catholic bisexual ministry, but that's not to say there isn't one out there somewhere. Unfortunately, I can only echo a pp and suggest you seek out a priest or spiritual director who understands bisexuality. If that's not possible, allow your husband to be your rock and refuge in this.

[/quote]

Someone who gets it!


#10

I am a bit confused too. I'm heterosexual & married. Does that mean any other man that walks the face of the earth isn't attractive anymore? Of course not. If I was bisexual, as a married woman, why it would it be different except that I find more people attractive? I still found the one I want to be with, still married to the love of my life -so while I can appreciate a handsome man, I have no inclination to act on that.

I'm assuming since you say you are bisexual, sex with either gender is satisfactory unlike a person with exclusive same sex attraction where temptation would seem much higher. So what are you looking for in a bisexual support group? Just people who understand? You say you only have your husband to talk to about it. As a married woman I think the best person to talk about sexual matters is your husband.


#11

The problem with this whole thing is that "homosexuality" and "bisexuality" and "whatever else sexuality" is being normalized as part of who a person is. This is not church teaching or accurate.

The word "homosexuality" was a made up term in the 20th century to normalize sin. It doesn't even make sense. Sexuality means "difference". Sex is not first a verb. Sexuality is who we are, male or female. "homo" means same. So "homosexuality" says "same different" Heterosexuality means "different different". This doesn't make sense.

Instead, each person is a male or female, created completely good by God. We have dysfunctions/sins/disorders in our life. One of those may be struggling with same sex attraction...to however a degree. Remember, this is NOT normal or ordered, it is a disorder. *Even if a person keeps attraction to both sexes, this is still the same nature of a disorder. * However this attraction came about... through relational with parents (Which is the most common way), abuse, or even genetically pre-disposed to it (which has not been proven) or a mixture of them, it is still not who a person "is". When we have a disorder, we should be working to heal the source of the disorder, NOT normalizing it. The church is right to not separate "bisexual" support group from "homosexual" support group.

TOB healing center can help with this. I highly recommend them. TOBhealing.com


#12

This was exactly my point in my post. I DO “get it”


#13

Very good post. I’m thinking that the OP is finding her identity in the wrong place. Continuing to identify yourself as a X-sexual when you are “happily” married is counter-productive to said happiness. I recommend therapy to let go of that identification with a particular deviant form of sexuality. Sometimes those thoughts/desires can be a form of OCD, an obsession that can be troublesome, but which should not be normalized.


#14

Thank you for coming here and sharing your story! I am so happy you are part of the Catholic church! It is good you came here seeking support that is wonderful!

You seem to be suffering two things, one is that you are suffering temptation. The other is you are suffering because it seems that you desire to be understood and are frustrated by the lack of compassion and understanding you have been shown. I am so sorry for this please be assured of my prayers.

While I am sad that you are unable to find a specific group addressing your specific needs and I wish I could help with that...what I can offer you is that there are many prayers and spiritual exercises that can help us with temptation and also frustration...in whatever form it takes.

I am not trying to be insensitive to your needs, however since you are seeking specific group support and I cannot offer you that I would like to offer you this: It is clear you are facing temptations that are difficult and you need help to manage them! I can assure you that you are NOT ALONE! Please try and find good spiritual reading and good spiritual direction that are geared towards fighting temptation. The sacramentals can be wonderful such as blessed salt and holy water.

Anyone facing any kind of temptation can benefit from these! People tempted by drugs, or pornography, or same-sex attraction, or opposite-sex attraction or violence....simply bless yourself with Holy Water and ask Jesus to help you fight the thoughts that are tormenting you. Recite the Holy Name of Jesus over and over. Simply say Jesus...Jesus...Jesus...Jesus. I am not trying to minimize your situation. Clearly you are feeling alone and seeking understanding and help. Jesus Christ knows exactly what you are going through and seeks to help you. Since you can't find a support group just now please turn to Jesus more deeply. He loves you so very much and knows how much you are suffering with this temptation.

You are feeling misunderstood, Jesus too was misunderstood. You are feeling a lack of friendship and compassion, Jesus too was turned away by his friends and knows what it is like to be shown no compassion. This is a cross you are bearing, it is a heavy one and Jesus knows what that is like too. When you are faced with people who are judgmental and critical of people suffering with bisexuality attraction try this prayer "Jesus right now this person is hurting me and frustrating me, please help me to have love in my heart. I know too that I have hurt you Jesus and that I frustrate you too by my sins. Please help me to grow in Christian love."

I hope this helps a little, please take care as best as you can.


#15

I can understand why you'd need some validation for yourself as a person, even though there are aspects of yourself that make your moral life difficult. We all have some variation on this: that is, some part of our make-up which makes us both splendid and fragile. If you wrestle with the fact that you have some more-or-less unusual moral temptations or other built-in trials for long enough, you start wondering if God could possibly be behind this part of you at all.

I think this is because the prevailing mythology of our time (going far back in Western culture, maybe back to the Greeks) is that the splendid part (whatever it is) exists in most people without the fragility that goes along with it. It is as if there is, out there somewhere, gold that is not more malleable than steel, or steel that can be pounded as thin or conducts electricity as well as gold, pearls and hard as diamonds, and diamonds as soft and glowing as pearls, copper and iron that are not prone to corrode, or glass that can be bent, silk that can be heated to red-hot and does not burn, and so on. There is also that misplaced hope that since copper and gold are both yellow metals, that to be copper is to know what it is to be gold. These mythogies are well-meant, but unlike some mythologies, they're false. God does not make one-size-fits-all saints that are "perfect" in every application. He makes all living things, even the saints, that are ingeniously fit for what He intended them to be, each with his or her own little place in the scheme of things.

Most of us need spiritual direction or close spiritual friends to cope with the depth that God built into us. This may not have always been true, but these days the mythology of "perfection" is always assailing us. We need to have a touchstone to the truth that every one of us is liable at any moment to be undone by our gifts, that even in our correct place in the scheme, we are meant to continuously strive to be open to the workings of grace to have the life intended for us. Peace comes from spiritual work. Read the Desert Fathers: there is no way around that. We are not intended to do that work alone. We work as a body, and we need each other's support, comfort, and love, not just each other's "service".

You don't need a whole group. You do well to find someone other than your husband only. Be friends about more than just this little corner of your splendid natures, though, OK? You are not your trials, any more than you are only the gift that gives you the trial. Find friends other than your husband to share your whole self with. Also, as long as you find someone who recognizes your make-up as a gift, the person does not have to have that gift. It may even be as well if she does not. There will be less temptation, and you will also learn that the world holds people who don't have your make-up, yet can appreciate that there is splendidness that God made you that way.

If you find the group you are looking for, certainly that is one way to meet your need, but don't confine yourself to that one solution, that is all I mean.


#16

[quote="rayne89, post:10, topic:239983"]
I am a bit confused too. I'm heterosexual & married. Does that mean any other man that walks the face of the earth isn't attractive anymore? Of course not. If I was bisexual, as a married woman, why it would it be different except that I find more people attractive? I still found the one I want to be with, still married to the love of my life -so while I can appreciate a handsome man, I have no inclination to act on that.

I'm assuming since you say you are bisexual, sex with either gender is satisfactory unlike a person with exclusive same sex attraction where temptation would seem much higher. So what are you looking for in a bisexual support group? Just people who understand? You say you only have your husband to talk to about it. As a married woman I think the best person to talk about sexual matters is your husband.

[/quote]

I am looking for a bisexual support group to not only find ways of coping, but finding people who can relate and not make unjust assumptions.

[quote="agapewolf, post:11, topic:239983"]
The problem with this whole thing is that "homosexuality" and "bisexuality" and "whatever else sexuality" is being normalized as part of who a person is. This is not church teaching or accurate.

The word "homosexuality" was a made up term in the 20th century to normalize sin. It doesn't even make sense. Sexuality means "difference". Sex is not first a verb. Sexuality is who we are, male or female. "homo" means same. So "homosexuality" says "same different" Heterosexuality means "different different". This doesn't make sense.

Instead, each person is a male or female, created completely good by God. We have dysfunctions/sins/disorders in our life. One of those may be struggling with same sex attraction...to however a degree. Remember, this is NOT normal or ordered, it is a disorder. *Even if a person keeps attraction to both sexes, this is still the same nature of a disorder. * However this attraction came about... through relational with parents (Which is the most common way), abuse, or even genetically pre-disposed to it (which has not been proven) or a mixture of them, it is still not who a person "is". When we have a disorder, we should be working to heal the source of the disorder, NOT normalizing it. The church is right to not separate "bisexual" support group from "homosexual" support group.

TOB healing center can help with this. I highly recommend them. TOBhealing.com

[/quote]

First of all the church has no stance on what causes the same-sex attraction, just that it is a disorder. I am not asking for the church to normalize or give the ok to anything. I am looking for people who understand and can relate. When there is prejudice prevalent in the homosexual community towards bisexuals, then why would I feel comfortable opening up to them? People need to read my post.

[quote="Monicad, post:14, topic:239983"]
Thank you for coming here and sharing your story! I am so happy you are part of the Catholic church! It is good you came here seeking support that is wonderful!

You seem to be suffering two things, one is that you are suffering temptation. The other is you are suffering because it seems that you desire to be understood and are frustrated by the lack of compassion and understanding you have been shown. I am so sorry for this please be assured of my prayers.

While I am sad that you are unable to find a specific group addressing your specific needs and I wish I could help with that...what I can offer you is that there are many prayers and spiritual exercises that can help us with temptation and also frustration...in whatever form it takes.

I am not trying to be insensitive to your needs, however since you are seeking specific group support and I cannot offer you that I would like to offer you this: It is clear you are facing temptations that are difficult and you need help to manage them! I can assure you that you are NOT ALONE! Please try and find good spiritual reading and good spiritual direction that are geared towards fighting temptation. The sacramentals can be wonderful such as blessed salt and holy water.

Anyone facing any kind of temptation can benefit from these! People tempted by drugs, or pornography, or same-sex attraction, or opposite-sex attraction or violence....simply bless yourself with Holy Water and ask Jesus to help you fight the thoughts that are tormenting you. Recite the Holy Name of Jesus over and over. Simply say Jesus...Jesus...Jesus...Jesus. I am not trying to minimize your situation. Clearly you are feeling alone and seeking understanding and help. Jesus Christ knows exactly what you are going through and seeks to help you. Since you can't find a support group just now please turn to Jesus more deeply. He loves you so very much and knows how much you are suffering with this temptation.

You are feeling misunderstood, Jesus too was misunderstood. You are feeling a lack of friendship and compassion, Jesus too was turned away by his friends and knows what it is like to be shown no compassion. This is a cross you are bearing, it is a heavy one and Jesus knows what that is like too. When you are faced with people who are judgmental and critical of people suffering with bisexuality attraction try this prayer "Jesus right now this person is hurting me and frustrating me, please help me to have love in my heart. I know too that I have hurt you Jesus and that I frustrate you too by my sins. Please help me to grow in Christian love."

I hope this helps a little, please take care as best as you can.

[/quote]

Thanks for your love and compassion. Thank you for offering some solutions instead of just trying to discredit everything I say.


#17

[quote="Loboto-Me, post:5, topic:239983"]
I can't understand? Since you are now married, wouldn't it be common sense just to throw away the attraction to women part of your life now? Considering that you are meant to be in a chaste, marriage, to me, there's not even a need to go to a group.

Before you say "You don't understand where I sit", I can assure you that I can completely understand something that I never ever wanted to reveal here. As a woman who struggled with this issue and also as a woman who's been faithfully married to a man for almost 30 years, believe me, I understand.

Bisexuality is something that IS a choice, it's a choice of which action we will take with our sexuality. You and I both have chosen the right path... the decision has been made. I understand that the attraction is still there, but what does it matter now? Married women who haven't got this crutch are still attracted to men, but they've made the choice of marriage... time to throw away their attraction to OTHER men. When we marry as God intends, we make an oath to God and to our spouse that this person will be our one and only.

Rather than look for a group for bisexuals, I think perhaps you would do well to go to a priest and perhaps to a catholic councellor to help you work through this if your eyes and feelings are still wanting to roam.

[/quote]

[quote="rayne89, post:10, topic:239983"]
I am a bit confused too. I'm heterosexual & married. Does that mean any other man that walks the face of the earth isn't attractive anymore? Of course not. If I was bisexual, as a married woman, why it would it be different except that I find more people attractive? I still found the one I want to be with, still married to the love of my life -so while I can appreciate a handsome man, I have no inclination to act on that.

I'm assuming since you say you are bisexual, sex with either gender is satisfactory unlike a person with exclusive same sex attraction where temptation would seem much higher. So what are you looking for in a bisexual support group? Just people who understand? You say you only have your husband to talk to about it. As a married woman I think the best person to talk about sexual matters is your husband.

[/quote]

It is different, for me at least. I have found that the fact I have not really been with a woman sexually it is a greater temptation. The curiosity is great and it is hard for me to bear. I have my husband, I know what it is like to be with a man, curiosity satisfied for men. I already struggle sexually. I have an very high sex drive and my husband is gone over half the time due to his work, which doesn't help. What can I say, I am sinful and my mind wanders.


#18

[quote="jobelorocks, post:1, topic:239983"]
Well I am a new convert to Catholicism (from an Evangelical group) who is happily married to a Catholic man. One problem is that I am bisexual. I am monogamous. Contrary to popular belief bisexual is just someone who is attracted to both genders, not someone who sleeps with both (just think of it that you were straight before you had sex like we are bisexual before and in spite of if we have sex with both genders).

The problem is that there are no Catholic ministries I can find for bisexuals. There are plenty for homosexuals, but not for bisexuals. Now you may be wondering why the homosexual ones aren't "good enough". It isn't that they aren't good ministries, but I find that misconceptions and prejudices against bisexuality are almost as prevalent in the homosexual community as they are in the heterosexual.

I have found misconceptions from the heterosexual and homosexual communities to be much the same. 1. That if you are bisexual you are just going through a phase and/or haven't figured out your "true" sexuality. (many think we are just closeted homosexuals looking for the easy way out) 2. We are promiscuous and will have sex with just about anyone. (I've heard us called greedy sexually) 3. We are just following the bisexual trend or that bisexual women are doing it just to please men.

All of which are untrue and offensive. Most of us are pretty sure about our sexuality and there are plenty life-long bisexuals. Bisexuals can be celibate, in a monogamous heterosexual relationship, monogamous in a homosexual relationship, poly-amorous, swingers, or anywhere in between just like everyone else. Bisexuality has always been around and will always be around. While some are not true bisexuals other people in other sexualities pose as others for various reasons.

I know this seems like a lot of explanation, but I am looking for a group of people who understand and relate. I have a hard time talking to anyone but my husband about my sexuality for fear of being misunderstood and even hated. Does anyone know of any Catholic Bisexual (NOT homosexual, because I am bisexual not a homosexual) ministries out there?

[/quote]

Well, I am heterosexual and divorced/annulled. I have not remarried, because the male/female ratio for women in my age group is much smaller, and it is quite likely I will never meet anyone to settle down with again. There are no support groups in the Church for us either.

However, I don't obsess over the fact that I have not had sex with anyone for a very long time. I count the other blessings in my life and keep busy. It seems to work, most of the time.


#19

Here’s a thought. I’m heterosexual and am attracted to women…even those that are not my wife. So where is a support group for me? The real question is about chastity. We are all called to chastity and the part of your statements looking for a bisexual support group can get really tricky from where I’m standing. I’ve understood that people can be attracted to both sexes, but acting on such attractions in either direction is against God’s will. If you want support for your specific OSA and SSA then start the process of establishing an apostolate of the laity. Don’t you think priests are attracted to women? Of course they are but they control themselves. Many of the problems with SSA or BSA would be served by learning more about celibacy or practices to improve ones spiritual life.

I’ve seen beautiful men, but am I bisexual? No. I can see how a person can be attracted but not to the point they are willing to throw their souls away. Chastity in marriage has similar struggles. I’m in a teacher education program with mostly women (about 95% women). Some of those women are very attractive and cute, even flirtatious. But I control my thoughts even though I find myself attracted to them. I won’t allow myself to fall into sin or in a situation that could lead to sin.

My suggestion is that if you have a problem with BSA then you should consider beginning your own apostolate and go through your pastor and diocese. The main thing is that it probably would benefit you to go through the SSA programs in existence now and use their model to set up the one you believe you need. One of the problems I have with those programs (in my ignorance) is that it appears to be an organization that opens other SSA folks into a situation of the near occasion of sin. Surround yourself with people with the same issue and you might end up with an ancient Roman Caligual celebration. I fear it exposes others to the near occasion of sin. However, if the program is run like AA and AAA then I guess it makes sense. I’m obviously no expert, just thinking out loud to learn and share ideas.


#20

I did read your post, but I don't think you read mine.

You are causing your own problem. Your first post here shows that you are normalizing ssa by giving it a title...and even more so incorrectly by making different degrees of it their own titles. While some people's attitudes about these different degrees are hurtful, perhaps educating yourself first, and then them on it would solve the problem.

And I gave a suggestion...go to tobhealing.com


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