Moral dilemma

There’s this girl who I haven’t seen in a long time, we are friends, but aren’t GOOD friends, we’ve hung out a few times at uni, had lunch etc.

Recently talked to her again after a long time, she isn’t in uni anymore and she wants to meet up for lunch. The thing is, she has a boyfriend, I feel rather uncomfortable going out with another guy’s girl for lunch, before it was in uni and quite different, but this time it won’t be. Please take into consideration what friendship means and other people’s feelings before posting things like “Don’t go, cut off all communication with her” - I’ve seen quite a few of that before in here.

What could be done??

Yes. You are friends, catching up; not a problem. I take it you do not know the boyfriend, but she is unmarried so no scandal involved. I am just wondering…are you considering this a date?

I wouldn’t consider this a problem. You are simply meeting up for a chat. If it becomes clear that she would like to take things further then you can explain how things are for you; on the other hand if you have undisclosed feelings for her then its best just to say “Thanks, but I’d rather not” or explain to her how things are so that she can make a decision about seeing you. I assume you don’t have a girl yourself in which case, her feelings are also important.

Otherwise, enjoy a social catch up (without a chaperone being needed!)

Thanks for the responses guys. :slight_smile:

No, I do not know him. I wasn’t considering this a date, I do not have feelings for her.

Nope, I’m not dating anyone, and I don’t have feelings for this girl. So I guess it’s ok.


Ask if her boyfriend would have a problem with it.

Forsake not an old friend, for a new one does not compare with him.

  • Apocrypha – Ecclesiasticus 9:10

I don’t see it as River’s place to ask the boyfriend if he would “have a problem with it.”

First, this girl is not the boyfriend’s property and she is free to have lunch with *whomever *she wants.

Second, it’s her business what she tells her boyfriend and it’s not wrong to have lunch with a friend whether the boyfriend knows about it or not.

Third, River is doing nothing wrong by having lunch with a person he knows, male or female.


Remember, we are encouraged to have friends! From the CCC (bold mine):

**2347 **The virtue of chastity blossoms in friendship. It shows the disciple how to follow and imitate him who has chosen us as his friends, who has given himself totally to us and allows us to participate in his divine estate. Chastity is a promise of immortality.
Chastity is expressed notably in friendship with one’s neighbor. Whether it develops between persons of the same or opposite sex, friendship represents a great good for all. It leads to spiritual communion.

Men and women friends can go out to lunch in public places without it being sinful. Even we married folks are able to do that. It is healthy for men and women to have friendships and business arrangements that might involve meals in public places .We usually are courteous and let our spouses know in advance .

Personally I don’t think it matters if her boyfriend has a problem wih it or not. Unless he is likely to go attack our poster. :eek:

A boyfriend is not a spouse and is not entitled to behavior that is restrictive (in matters as simple as a lunch ) based on his issues. Or a girlfriend. It would be courteous to mention in conversation either before or after about the lunch.

Nothing wrong getting in touch. Unless there were some kind of romantic hint, it wouldn’t be wrong even if either or both of you were married.

If you’re concered and unsure how she sees it, you can always ask, “but won’t your boyfriend mind?” or something like that. But in this case, I don’t see why you should be concerned. Anything alarming in her behaviour or is it just a new situation to you? If the latter, simply relax.


What are your intentions?

If you are romantically inclined, then your concern is that she is married or officially engaged. Officially being that the bans haven’t been posted or she had not accepted an engagement ring or consented publicly. Otherwise you are game to play the field as is any other guy. If she is officially engaged, she will need to settle her problem first before you both can go further.

If just friendship, then you can have friendly relationships including lunch. If she marries or becomes engaged, then you will need to establish an entirely new friendly relationship with him as well which will go well or not. In this case expect to be the odd man out and perhaps receive some resistance. You will need to gain his trust, and you will be willing to do that since any friend of hers is also of his, and your concern will be for her happiness not yours.

So you owe it to others as well as you to be honest with yourself both now and in the long run.

So if all is well, relax and go to lunch and if you wish to court her thats great too and good luck.:thumbsup:


and I would consider this more of an ethical dilemma since there is no wrong answer and no right answer-

She is unmarried + you are unmarried = no scandal

I pretty much agree with the others. Since it is just a good friendship, I see no issue with it. If the girl is worried her boyfriend would be uncomfortable with it she can discuss that with him herself.

I wouldn’t worry about it. I have a friend of the opposite gender with whom I’m close with who has a boyfriend. Whenever she comes back home or I’m in her neck of the woods we hang out. We know it’s not going to go anywhere further than just going out to get something to eat, coffee, catch a hockey/lacrosse game, et. al.

I don’t think it’s becomes ‘moral’ problem until one or both of you is married, anyways. This is more a ‘Am I being an honourable gentleman?’ sort of question, IMO.

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