Morality and Wedding Night


Hi Everyone,

I really didn’t know where else to ask this question so when I saw a post discussing “Newly Weds and Sexuality” I figured this would be a “safe place” to ask this question.

Anyways, a long time ago my dad made a comment to me about my mom that made me nervous about my wedding night in the future. My mom was a virgin when they got married (I am uncertain about my father) and he mentioned something about it being hard on her the first time…“that she should have seen her doctor beforehand”. I know that as a virgin, women do have varying degrees of discomfort the first time.

I heard then from my doctor that there are things you can “do” to help before the wedding night (such as vaginal dilators or stretching).

Is this something that would be immoral to do? That is my main concern. Thank you! I hope this wasn’t an inappropriate question to ask, but I really wanted to know if this was moral or not and I think this might be the best place to ask!


I think as long as you are not masturbating - intentionally pleasuring yourself, then I don’t see why it would be morally wrong to use something like this. I tend to hesitate before I do anything “unnatural”, so my inclination is to wonder if it’s a good idea or not to do it, morality aside. I don’t know anything about those products though, so I really can’t speak to that. I can say from experience though, that even if things are difficult at first, you should be able to work it out - all it takes is a good work ethic :smiley: ;).


Some women are born with thick hymens, with the vagina almost closed. This can lead to difficulty during intercourse.
There are many types of hymen, they are not all the same.
If this truly concerns you, schedule an appointment before the wedding with your dr just to ‘check things out’. Can’t hurt, and if you do have a ‘difficult hymen’ you can discuss having the dr remove it beforehand, a simple, in office procedure.
Congrats on your upcoming wedding, I’m sure things will be fine.


No, it’s not immoral and if it is a concern of yours, I’d consider it.


Talk to your doctor, he/she can help alieviate your fears and if there is any issue they can help you with it.

Also, your dad may have a distorted view of how much discomfort your mother experienced and whether a doctor could have done anything about it.

Nerves are normal, but don’t obsess about this or you will end up making yourself tense and possibly fearful over nothing.


I’m not sure if your the woman or man in this equation. I would think the woman seeing her doctor for a regular pap smear should reveal if there are serious obsticles. Other than that pack some KY jelly in the suitcase for the honeymoon.


I was a virgin with my husband, and it was a rather…uncomfortable ‘first time.’ :o But, I would discuss your fears with your husband on that night, and ask him to take things very slow…and I’m sure it will be fine.


To clarify, yes I am a woman.


If you have ever had a gynecological exam (pap smear) then you should be fine. It is usually much more invasive than what will happen on your wedding night! If you haven’t had one, it may be a good idea to get a checkup anyway, since you will be entering the fertile phase of your life, and a pre-conception checkup is always smart. Now relax! :wink:


It is definitely a good idea to be prepared. My wedding night was the most painful experience I have ever gone through, and the pain has(through almost 5 months of marriage) gotten better, and I’ve gotten used to it some, but it’s still not yet gone away. This is partly because of endometriosis, but also because of physical smallness. Go see a doctor, get some sort of medical advice on whether or not there is any need to worry. You definitely don’t want to get to a place where you think pain is a normal part of sex. And, no, doing (non-masturbatory)things to stretch yourself so as to prepare for intercourse is not immoral.


I REALLY wish somebody had told me about KY Jelly or Astroglide before our wedding. I’m guessing your dad had no such knowledge either.

Not to be explicit, but a safe and non-contraceptive lube makes ALL the difference! Both are available at any drugstore. Try the Astroglide. KY is an all purpose lube originally made for OB GYN use. Astroglide is, um, purpose built!


If you are trying to achieve a pregnancy, ok, so you are just newlyweds, but, one never knows… Pre-seed is really good. It’s a bit pricier but quite helpful.


The problem with those two brands is that they contain sugar. Sugar can cause yeast infections. And sex isn’t fun with a yeast infection. Unfortunately, to obtain non-sugared lubricants, one has to visit sex-shop websites.


I have heard, via, that coconut oil is a great lube. You may want to look into it as well.


FYI: Astroglide now makes a Glycerin & Paraben-free lubricant.


This is what I thought! Then we found this - it is a MIRACLE. I’m allergic to everything on the planet and have no problems, there’s no smell, no oily/stickiness - it’s been a Godsend All natural/organic, nothing chemical or artificial.

The website is not a sex-shop type - the lubricant is all they sell, and it’s a classy looking setup, not skanky. They send it to you discreetly, and it came in a pretty little gauze bag with paper cut out hearts, we were :smiley:

Anyway, I both agree and disagree with some points in this thread…DH and I were both virgins. We’d both stumbled with masturbation in the past though, and I’ve been to the GYN, so I thought I was prepared, even though the GYN said I was small. Apparently not :blush:

We had a great deal of difficulty, and pain. Though in our case, I do believe it’s mostly a question of angles, and not sizes. Definitely have some lubricant ready. And don’t rush it if you encounter difficulty! It took us a couple months to “fully” consummate, between his work, my health, and trying to work it all out. But it was fun trying. He was never disappointed - I felt like a “bad wife” at times, but he quickly assured me I wasn’t.

Good luck - and it really is worth waiting for :slight_smile:


The key is to be completely relaxed and LOTS of foreplay. I know it’s hard to do that on your wedding night when it’s your first time. I made an effort to stay relaxed so my muscles wouldn’t tense up and make the experience even more painful. To my surprise, it wasn’t that bad. A little uncomfortable, but I got through it, because I was ready to go again the next morning. :smiley:


Yeah, relaxation is definetly key. It sounds silly, but trying to relax for the first time can be a bit hard. And don’t feel pressured to “do it” on your wedding night. Towards my wedding, both my FIL and my parents told DH and I that they were so tired after the wedding that they just fell asleep. I confirmed this with many of my married friends. The ones who did consummate that night, seemed to regret the “pressure” they felt to have to consummate that night, rather than waiting for when they were more relaxed.
As someone else mentioned, foreplays is a definate plus before having sex. Being adequately prepared (are we talking about the embrace or camping?) makes things a lot smoother and more enjoyable.

There is a site where my husband I got a nice sampling of different types of lubrianct. I am glad we did, because we found that we were allergic to some, disliked others, and adored some other ones. That made the purchasing process easier.
If you would like the information on where we got it, please feel free to email me.


This is why Catholics who waited for sex until their wedding night should have a morning wedding! :smiley: That’s what DH and I did…not for this purpose, though. However, we found it more convenient because everything was overwith around 5PM. My favorite part of my wedding day (other than saying my vows to my DH) was afterwards when his friends took us back to my car. We went to Subway and brought back 12" subs to the Bed & Breakfast and scarfed them down! We watched TV a little bit and my DH looked at me very slyly and said “well, I think I’m going to turn in.” I followed a few minutes later. Didn’t take us long after that! It was awesome.


the wedding day… leading to the famous ‘wedding night’

get up at 6 am. primp shower shave
8 am, get a coffee and read the paper
11 am pics
12 pm drinks with the fellas
2 pm Mass
3 pm pics
4 pm limo drive
6 pm dinner and reception
7pm dance
11 pm goodbyes to all
11:30 load cars with gifts and say goodbyes some more
12 am drive to hotel
12:30 stop at store to get some water… we’re thirsty
1 am hotel room, glass of Dom and proceed to collapse on the fluffy king size bed in an exhausted heap.

sex was soooo far from our minds. we just wanted sleep.

it was so much fun, i wouldn’t have changed it for anything.

memories… ahhhhh.

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