Here’s the story. I’m 99% sure that I have pretty bad scrupulosity. I was received into the Church at the beginning of June and I haven’t received communion since, even though I’ve been to confession plenty.
So I went to confession on Wednesday with the intention of attending daily mass on Thursday, just so that I can receive at some point because I haven’t in so long and I’m starting to go a little bit crazy because I’m pretty sure I have ZERO ability to distinguish mortal from venial sin.
Anyways, turns out I was busy today, so I just figured I’ll just go to Friday daily mass. Who commits a mortal sin in one day, right?
So one of the things that I confessed with various troubles with my mother, in particular, being unable to accept when she has laid down the law. The biggest problem we have is that she will not allow me to ride my bike very far away from the house, no more than 1, maybe 2 miles away and only depending on the direction I’m going (1 mile into the suburbs, fine, 1 mile into the city, no). I’ve admittedly been pushing hard against this because I think it is a ridiculous rule, and that is something that I confessed on Wednesday.
Today, we were driving in the car right, and the topic turned to insomnia, which turned to the topic of how I need more exercise. I used to ride my bike a lot until she decided it was too dangerous for me to ride into the city. So I said “I would ride my bike more often, but you won’t let me leave a 2 mile radius” and she started defending herself with how running is better exercise anyways, and I started arguing about how I prefer biking because I want to get someplace instead of running in circles, but the point is totally defeated when I can hardly leave the neighborhood, ect.
I also mentioned something about riding along the river instead, and she said something about there being “bad sorts” hanging out by the river. And my sister said that she had never seen anyone on the trail but bikers, and my mom said “they are lurking”. So my sister started laughing about how ridiculous that sounded and I joined in because yes, it sounds ridiculous. But now I am feeling bad because it’s true, we were mocking her a little bit.
It was a brief dispute, but I am starting to feel worried because these are exactly the things that I JUST confessed on Wednesday. I honestly just can’t get the biking dispute out of my head. And I was so on the edge about going to confession at all because I wasn’t sure if I could actually resolve to resigning myself to these ridiculous overprotective rules without a fight. Eventually I decided I could, and I confessed, but now apparently I can’t.
Should I stay home from mass tomorrow and try to go to confession again on Saturday? Like I said, I am scrupulous, and I don’t know if these sins are minor or major. But this is also against the 5th commandment and it is a sin that I am struggling with so hard and I don’t know when or if I will get past it.