Mother and son buy shore house


#1

I would like to pose this question in an anonymous fashion so am am going to call this individual my friend instead of disclosing my real relationship to her. But the circumstances are all true and I have a good reason for asking...

My friend has a son 25 who has been dating a young lady 20 for 3 years.
Her son still lives at home with her and a 24 year old sister.

My friend has her eye on a property at the shore. She wants her son to buy this house(cash) with her and his sister. I think she has not considered that he son may need this money for his own future especially since he and this girl are a steady item. I already feel badly for the his girlfriend because she is being competely left out of this decision. I am told he will own half and she and the sister own the other half. This is not an investment property. It is purely for summer vacation use( for the mother, son and daughter) and it will tie up all of his savings in the property. I think the friend is not considering what would be best for son but only what is best for her. Am I wrong?


#2

the son is free to say no, he is an adult, and at this time the gf has no standing or interest in the matter whatever


#3

The son needs to consider the gf. If he thinks he might be marrying this girl, he should take her opinion into consideration. It is not the mother's responsiblity.


#4

[quote="HouseArrest, post:3, topic:228880"]
The son needs to consider the gf. If he thinks he might be marrying this girl, he should take her opinion into consideration. It is not the mother's responsiblity.

[/quote]

it is certainly the mother's responsibility, she is the one who wants the house, so she should secure the financing. If her adult children want to join her in the purchase that is their prudential decision, but she cannot make them do anything they don't want to do. Repeat, a gf has no standing or input in the decision whatever. If they are planning marriage they should get engaged. If not, not.


#5

Keep your money.


#6

[quote="puzzleannie, post:4, topic:228880"]
it is certainly the mother's responsibility, she is the one who wants the house, so she should secure the financing. If her adult children want to join her in the purchase that is their prudential decision, but she cannot make them do anything they don't want to do. Repeat, a gf has no standing or input in the decision whatever. If they are planning marriage they should get engaged. If not, not.

[/quote]

I meant it ws the son's responsibility to consider the girlfriend. Certainly the house is the mother's.


#7

[quote="HouseArrest, post:3, topic:228880"]
The son needs to consider the gf. If he thinks he might be marrying this girl, he should take her opinion into consideration. It is not the mother's responsiblity.

[/quote]

Maybe it's not the mother's responsibility but I think it would be a good choice if she considers that her son wants to marry this girl in the future.(personally, I think it's past due and I know the young lady wants to marry him but she says he isn't ready:confused:) I also think the mother needs to consider that asking her grown children to buy a vacation home with all of their savings will ensure that if they will not be able to afford to live on their own anytime soon. Since the son is involved with this young lady (he says he plans to marry someday), he should be encouraged by his mother to plan financially for his own future.

I am concerned for the young couple that mother may be trying to crush this couples future plans by her actions.


#8

[quote="m_crane, post:7, topic:228880"]
Maybe it's not the mother's responsibility but I think it would be a good choice if she considers that her son wants to marry this girl in the future.(personally, I think it's past due and I know the young lady wants to marry him but she says he isn't ready:confused:) I also think the mother needs to consider that asking her grown children to buy a vacation home with all of their savings will ensure that if they will not be able to afford to live on their own anytime soon. Since the son is involved with this young lady (he says he plans to marry someday), he should be encouraged by his mother to plan financially for his own future.

I am concerned for the young couple that mother may be trying to crush this couples future plans by her actions.

[/quote]

The son is an adult now and should make that decision for himself. He needs to ask himself - Is this a wise investment FOR ME? Am I going to get my money's worth of summer vacations by investing in this house? If he's old enough to start considering marriage then he's old enough to make a decision like this for himself.


#9

I would agree that this sounds like something meant to benefit the mother far more than her children. My guess is she probably wants the house, but can't afford it on her own so she is trying to convince her kids to help fund it for her. Right now her children need to put their savings and efforts into buying their own houses so they can finally move out, not a vacation home. Asking them to drain their savings to buy property for her enjoyment would be very selfish and will impact their lives for years to come.

Are the children on board with this idea, or are they hesitant? Is she a controlling mother? Are they too dependent emotionally or financially to be able to say no to her? The whole situation of two adults very far into their 20s still living at home and being asked to make a huge financial sacrifice that will prevent them from finally starting their own lives is very strange. It is a strange thing for a mother to ask, and a strange thing for her children to agree to. Something's just not right. Maybe they're not thinking far enough ahead to see the potential consequences of buying this house?

My parents owned two beach houses over the course of 10 years, and they were a total pain. They put in months of work each year maintaining and repairing the houses just to spend two weeks in the summer in them. And of course, you're basically tied to having *all *your vacations there. I hope they know what they're getting themselves into! My parents were sure glad when they sold what ended up being time-wasting money pits.


#10

I guess it’s pretty obvious that I am mainly concerned about the girlfriend and the choices she will have to consider if this purchase takes place. If the son makes the choice to purchase the shore home, what does this say about his intent to marry her after almost 4 years of dating? What impact will this decision have on the gf’s relationship with this woman who will probably become her future mother-in-law? I know the young lady is extremely upset that the mother has proposed this and the the boyfriend is considering it.

And I am wondering. Is this mother aware that she is throwing a roadblock into this couple’s future? Does she realize she may break up her son’s relationship with this girl if he chooses to spend his savings this way?


#11

[quote="m_crane, post:10, topic:228880"]
I guess it's pretty obvious that I am mainly concerned about the girlfriend and the choices she will have to consider if this purchase takes place. If the son makes the choice to purchase the shore home, what does this say about his intent to marry her after almost 4 years of dating? What impact will this decision have on the gf's relationship with this woman who will probably become her future mother-in-law? I know the young lady is extremely upset that the mother has proposed this and the the boyfriend is considering it.

And I am wondering. Is this mother aware that she is throwing a roadblock into this couple's future? Does she realize she may break up her son's relationship with this girl if he chooses to spend his savings this way?

[/quote]

There is no polite way to say it, and I could be much ruder, so listen up.

Posting these questions is STUPID. We CANNOT possibly answer them in any way, shape or form. Maybe he's rich, maybe the GF is rich, maybe they want to date for a while more so she. Women have mouths, too. If she wants to get married then she should ask.

It is not the mother's responsibility to look out for the emotional health of her son. Realistate (even with the economy) is still a very good investment.

I just can't fathom comming online and asking these sorts of questions. If you want to rant, then rant...but you're really seriosuly wanting us to go point by point and agree or disagree with you. Don't you see how LUDICRIOUS that is? We cannot possibly, even in a novel, know enough information to make a decision.

Just ask the questions to the people. Stop turing this into a bad episiode of COPS.. (although the fact that a 22yo went out with a 17yo is cause enough)


#12

[quote="m_crane, post:10, topic:228880"]
I guess it's pretty obvious that I am mainly concerned about the girlfriend and the choices she will have to consider if this purchase takes place. If the son makes the choice to purchase the shore home, what does this say about his intent to marry her after almost 4 years of dating? What impact will this decision have on the gf's relationship with this woman who will probably become her future mother-in-law? I know the young lady is extremely upset that the mother has proposed this and the the boyfriend is considering it.

And I am wondering. Is this mother aware that she is throwing a roadblock into this couple's future? Does she realize she may break up her son's relationship with this girl if he chooses to spend his savings this way?

[/quote]

The girlfriend should realize this is an excellent opportunity to see if she's dating a man worthy of marriage or a boy that lives at home with his mom.

If she's dating a man worthy of marriage, he will show her by 1)proposing 2) not investing in a situation that will tie up all his finances 3) who doesn't go off and do everything is mother says.

If she's dating a child she will find that 1)his mother still dictates his choices, 2) he's not going to be able to contribute to a home 3) there is still no ring on her finger

And although I think the mom might have raised a mama's boy, you can't blame her for the choices HE MAKES.... At some point, if you're considering a man for marriage you're going to have to agree to the fact that he's his own man... and makes his own choices. If all his choices are influneced by his mom... then I say RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND! That will never end.

A mother should consider what's in her son's best interest. She may think her son's best interest is taking care of her, and ditching the girlfriend who she obviously doesn't consider at all.

Additionally, she may be girlfriend now. However, if he chooses to invest in this property, he owns half. If she marries him... "what's mine is yours" pretty much follows. So it's not as though they will be without assets... assets that they can sell off (as 50% shareholder) to buy their own home...


#13

[quote="faithfully, post:12, topic:228880"]
The girlfriend should realize this is an excellent opportunity to see if she's dating a man worthy of marriage or a boy that lives at home with his mom.

If she's dating a man worthy of marriage, he will show her by 1)proposing 2) not investing in a situation that will tie up all his finances 3) who doesn't go off and do everything is mother says.

If she's dating a child she will find that 1)his mother still dictates his choices, 2) he's not going to be able to contribute to a home 3) there is still no ring on her finger

And although I think the mom might have raised a mama's boy, you can't blame her for the choices HE MAKES.... At some point, if you're considering a man for marriage you're going to have to agree to the fact that he's his own man... and makes his own choices. If all his choices are influneced by his mom... then I say RUN! RUN LIKE THE WIND! That will never end.

A mother should consider what's in her son's best interest. She may think her son's best interest is taking care of her, and ditching the girlfriend who she obviously doesn't consider at all.

Additionally, she may be girlfriend now. However, if he chooses to invest in this property, he owns half. If she marries him... "what's mine is yours" pretty much follows. So it's not as though they will be without assets... assets that they can sell off (as 50% shareholder) to buy their own home...

[/quote]

agree! :thumbsup:

To the OP: I'm sure you're concerned for the son and his girlfriend and want what's best for their relationship. But the son has to make his own choice. We can only blame our parents for our actions for so long, and if he's in his 20s, he is old enough to make his own decisions, and will have to live with the consequences of them. If the girlfriend is upset over it, it's up to her to talk to him about it. They can settle it in whichever way they decide.

I agree that it's strange for this mother to make such a proposal. But it's not *her *fault if things don't go well once the son has made his decision. *She *isn't going to break up the son and his girlfriend over this. The son and girlfriend will either talk it out and make a good decision for them, or not talk it out and the son will make whatever decision he wants, or anything in between. It's not the mother's decision or fault.


#14

seashore girl hit a big nail with the 22 year old dating 17 year old thing. if the 7 yo were my daughter, i'da hafta run you over.

regardless of how much cash you have (little or lots) here's what's true:

the son is free to say no, he is an adult, and at this time the gf has no standing or interest in the matter whatever

...... Repeat, a gf has no standing or input in the decision whatever. If they are planning marriage they should get engaged. If not, not.

but here's what's even more true: if this is you, why are you asking? i pose this not in the shoregirl way of asking but in the how-do-you-not-already-know-the-answer? way.

i have 4 adult sons. in my wildest, weirdest dreams i couldnt ever imagine telling them how to spend/ invest their money. even if i had given them the money!


#15

[quote="m_crane, post:7, topic:228880"]
personally, I think it's past due and I know the young lady wants to marry him but she says he isn't ready) I
. . . .

I am concerned for the young couple that mother may be trying to crush this couples future plans by her actions.

[/quote]

what plans? the young lady has plans, but does not sound like the son has any plans with regard to her

quote=m crane;7549913]I guess it's pretty obvious that I am mainly concerned about the girlfriend and the choices she will have to consider if this purchase takes place. If the son makes the choice to purchase the shore home, what does this say about his intent to marry her after almost 4 years of dating

? yeah it is pretty obvious. the young lady has no horse in this race. She is neither engaged nor married to the young man so as yet has no right to take part in his family's discussion of their financial and housing decisions. I think you ask the right question in the last sentence.


#16

[quote="monicatholic, post:14, topic:228880"]
seashore girl hit a big nail with the 22 year old dating 17 year old thing. if the 7 yo were my daughter, i'da hafta run you over.
This is old news because now they are both of age. 20 and 25.regardless of how much cash you have (little or lots) here's what's true:

but here's what's even more true: if this is you, why are you asking? i pose this not in the shoregirl way of asking but in the how-do-you-not-already-know-the-answer? way.

If it helps the young woman is my cousin. I think she's getting mistreated both by her boyfriend and his mother. I feel very sorry that she has made a choice to date a man who does not make her a priorty.i have 4 adult sons. in my wildest, weirdest dreams i couldnt ever imagine telling them how to spend/ invest their money. even if i had given them the money!

[/quote]

I have two unmarried adult sons myself. And I feel my job is to cut the apron strings and make them strong adult men. That is why I think buying a vacation home with them and encouraging them to remain living with me would be selfish an possibly sinful.

I really just want to tell this mother what I think about her proposal (that she is not cutting the apron strings) but from reading this thread perhaps I am wrong to think this way..


#17

You are right to cut the apron strings.

But if they aren’t cut by another, and the son goes along with it… Then he’s a problem. Telling someone to get with the program isn’t going to change his whole person.


#18

So what I understand is that the sons intention to marry this girl because it is a unoffically announced to others (only to the girl) carries no moral obligation on the boy's mother part to consider her in the equation in any way?

As for the girl , she's a great kid, she works, goes to school and is living with her mother an alcoholic(who lost her house) and siblings at her grandparents house. She is looking for a room to rent because she knows that this situation is hard on her grandparents.

I can't imagine why this woman would do such a thing to such a nice kid! She should be proud her son has found a great girl.


#19

[quote="m_crane, post:18, topic:228880"]
So what I understand is that the sons intention to marry this girl because it is a unoffically announced to others (only to the girl) carries no moral obligation on the boy's mother part to consider her in the equation in any way?

[/quote]

If he is already making plans to marry her, it would be good for the family to keep in mind the potential impact of their choices on the son's future wife even though ultimately the decision will still be up to them. However, I think in some families those who marry into the family play second fiddle to the "real" family members. They'll always be outsiders who don't count for much and their best interest will never be factored in to any decision.

It would be wise for the girl to really ask herself whether her boyfriend would truly be good husband material. There is of course no way to know what kind of man he is just from an internet post, but what little you've said is kind of concerning. If he ends up agreeing to buy the house, it would tell me that:

1) He isn't concerned about his current or future financial situation, or how it will impact his life. A 25-year-old who still lives at home should not drain his savings to buy a vacation home! He doesn't even have a house of his to live in yet, but he'll have one to vacation in. Crazy!

2) The mother puts her needs and wants above those of her children, whether she realizes it or not.

3) If the mother can convince her son to buy a house, which is a huge long-term financial commitment, she can probably convince him make other decisions both big and small. The girl could end up with a very meddling MIL and a husband who won't say no to her. Not a good situation to be in. Of course, this is assuming that the son needs convincing. If he thought it was a great idea from the start and is willingly going along, that's bad too - see #1!


#20

[quote="m_crane, post:18, topic:228880"]
So what I understand is that the sons intention to marry this girl because it is a unoffically announced to others (only to the girl) carries no moral obligation on the boy's mother part to consider her in the equation in any way?

As for the girl , she's a great kid, she works, goes to school and is living with her mother an alcoholic(who lost her house) and siblings at her grandparents house. She is looking for a room to rent because she knows that this situation is hard on her grandparents.

I can't imagine why this woman would do such a thing to such a nice kid! She should be proud her son has found a great girl.

[/quote]

As the DIL of a woman who clearly wishes I would go away... I UNDERSTAND what you're saying. But the son has to stand up and be a man. Otherwise he's NOT WORTH marrying. I don't doubt your cousin is a great woman. ETA: It wouldn't matter who the "girl" is. She could be a hooker, and would be treated the same! This is a lesson I just fully got from my In-laws... by way of observing them with their new SIL... he's a great guy. Doesn't matter! They can see as far as blood relation, and that's pretty much it! I'm sure she loves this guy. But if he can't stand up to his mother, she's in for a LIFETIME of heartache. She will always be second to her. Mother should cut the strings as stated. But son must leave his family and cleave to his wife. If he can't do that... does she want that???

In the mean time, if he CAN leave the clutches of his mother. Show her love, but not live by her ruling, then you cousin has a good man on her hands. It will still be stressful, and she will learn by example how NOT to be as a future MIL!;)

I tell you, I can hardly wait for girls to brought home! I just hope they linke PINK!!!!! Or spa days, or whatever!!!!


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