Mother in law and cohabitation


#1

I have a huge dilemma. My mother in law wants to visita me and my husband and our children, and she wants to come with her boyfriend and cohabit while here with us. They do where they live, but I don’t want them to do here. My husband while he doesn’t completely desagree with me, tells me that he doesn’t want to pick a fight with his mom. I’m at odds here, I don’t feel confortable with this and feel that this can bring problems between my husband and me.

Any advice? Also prayers appreciated!!

YiC,
Rosario


#2

While it is your house, therefore your rules, I would consider that she is your husbands mother. Not the same as an adult child. You don’t have to agree with her situation. If she were to bring it up, you could easily state your opinion along with a disclaimer that she is welcome anyway. It would not be your place to bring up the discussion though. Your not facilitating sinnful behavior, she would do it anyway. Your being a gracious hostess and honoring your husbands mother.


#3

Personally…I would handle it in a way alot of ppl would disagree, so I will refrain from telling you what I would do in this situation.

Keeping in mind theres your husband to work with, a suggestion …if the MIL and bf plan to sleep at your place you could set up 2 separate sleeping quarters for both of them…will your husband agree with that arrangement? of course if theres trouble with MIL your husband will have to speak up! Or you can tell them to find other means for the night! Thats basically the only 2 alternatives that will keep you within the moral obligations of the faith.

Otherwise theres what I would do! :rolleyes:
Good luck…these situations are not fun at all, but sometimes they are a test of convictions for us… :wink:


#4

Thanks for your answer Pria.
It’s a sticky situation because she just divorced her 5th husband a few months ago and I have 3 girls, the oldest is 15 and she has met the last 3. So as much as I want to honor her as my husband’s mother, it’s hard to protect the children at the same time. I just would like her to honor our home as we honor her as a grandmother, we not only would like to do this to protect our children, but also our children’s immage or her.


#5

I don’t think the children would have to know WHY their grandmother is staying at a motel. Even if you put them in seperate rooms, how are they going to conduct themselves as regards physical displays when they are around your children? I think you need to put the children’s well-being ahead of MIL’s feelings. If you tolerate this from her then they will think it unfair if you don’t allow them to bring boyfriends home for the night when they are older.


#6

Is she Catholic? Just wondering.

Either way, I don’t think you are obligated by Church teaching to force them to sleep seperate or in a hotel. Like I said, your not facilitating it at all.

If your more worried about the image it gives to your children, then I can totally understand why it’s so hard for you. I feel for you. In laws can be hard sometimes.

Do you think you can talk to her? Will she understand you concern for the message it sends to the kids? That might be what I’d do. If that doesn’t work, you just have to make a decision to either let her stay at your home or not. Either way, you’ll have to stick with that decision and be prepared for some possible fallout. Your husband might not like the idea of you not opening your home to his mother. I would talk it out more with him first. Good luck.


#7

Your house…your rules

                         ~ Kathy ~

#8

[quote=RosarioDT]Thanks for your answer Pria.
It’s a sticky situation because she just divorced her 5th husband a few months ago and I have 3 girls, the oldest is 15 and she has met the last 3. So as much as I want to honor her as my husband’s mother, it’s hard to protect the children at the same time. I just would like her to honor our home as we honor her as a grandmother, we not only would like to do this to protect our children, but also our children’s immage or her.

[/quote]

YIKES! What you just wrote changes everything. How many chain sex partners are your children going to be made to meet during the coming years. PUT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST! I would not even have the so-called boyfriend in my home at all. Until they are married he is just (as Dr. Laura would say) her “shack-up honey.” This is an EXTREMELY bad influence on your girls. What will your husband say to them some day when they find their own “shack-ups” and they spout back that “well Grandma did it.” The commandment to honor one’s parents does not mean to condone/honor their sin.


#9

Your first priority is, and always will be, the children. I just spoke with my priest last night during confession, and discussed an issue with my own mother who undermines my discipline. He told me to always put my husband and children first, that no matter what my mother may want, it is OUR needs that come first, and that she needs to respect what we are doing with our children. If this MIL is on her 5th husband/shack-up or whatever, then your children do not need to see it. Personally, I don’t even think I’d allow this new boyfriend in the house, only her. Seriously, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want my kids to even remotely think that we condone that kind of behavior! Then, I’d get down on my knees with the girls and say a rosary for her, and pray that she learns that God is there for her more than any man ever will be.

Good luck, and God bless… and stick to your guns. THIS IS IMPORTANT!!

-Amy


#10

I think I’d head for the middle ground – I do believe it would be wrong to roll out the red carpet (not say anything, just put them up in the same bedroom) for a cohabitating couple if you are of the belief that cohabitation is wrong…seems hypocritical…but then again, you have your husband to consider, who is, after all, your everything here on earth…and then there’s the girls in the middle of it all, being young and impressionable…eek. I don’t envy you…but here’s how I’d approach it – I’d talk with DH and say "look, she can come, she can bring Joe/Jake/John, or whoever it is this time, but they will NOT stay in the same bedroom. They are not married, and I will not present that as acceptable to our girls who are coming of age at this point. I am happy to have them as a part of our holidays; she can date whoever she wants, she is a grown woman and she can live her life however she desires – but in our house, where our children are concerned, they will sleep separately. How can we tell our girls that sex is for marriage; a covenant and a gift, and then say “sure grandma, goodnight, but could you keep it down for the girls sake tonight???” – I love you, and will respect whatever decision you make on this, but I want you to know how strongly I feel about it, and how I fear for the impression and example it will set for our daughters. Please take that into consideration, as I know you will. kiss


#11

5 divorces? I think I’d book her into a nearby motel, and ,that must be soooo confusing for the children! You’re teaching them ‘marriage is for a lifetime’ and grannie shows them it’s okay to get another one if the last ‘model’ is no longer suitable… :eek:

Anna x


#12

Hmmm…15 is a very impressionable age. I would definitely consider your children first. My scenario would be like this: Sure you can come visit, I will put you in with the girls and (insert BF name here) can stay in the guest room. This let’s her know that they can’t shack up at your place but also let’s her know that she is welcome. If she is so bold as to make a comment about them both staying in the guest room, get your best horrified sound in your voice and say, I don’t think that would be good for the girls. Besides, they would love to share their room with you. If she still balks, just say sorry, but the girls are at such an impressionable age, we wouldn’t want to confuse them. Then it is up to MIL to decide how much she wants to see the grandkids. The key is a united front, hubby actually needs to be more firm about it since it is his mom and he is the “protector” of his girls.


#13

[quote=anna1978]5 divorces? I think I’d book her into a nearby motel, and ,that must be soooo confusing for the children! You’re teaching them ‘marriage is for a lifetime’ and grannie shows them it’s okay to get another one if the last ‘model’ is no longer suitable… :eek:

Anna x
[/quote]

I think this is true to a point…but at some point in life, they are going to come into the realization that not everyone lives the way you’re teaching them to…even my 5yr old is discovering that his uncle and his uncle’s girlfriend are not married, but they bought a house together…his question to me? “Mommy, I thought you had to be married to live with eachother” – to which I said “yes, that’s how it’s supposed to be, according to Jesus and how He taught us, but not everyone understands how important Jesus’ teachings are; we should pray for Uncle ____ and ask Jesus to show him the right way; only Uncle ______ can make the choice, so it’s up to you and me to pray he makes the right choice, ok?”

I think it’s fine for them to see that humans are fallable, and many sin by choice. What better way to see that sinners come in all shapes and sizes, even those we love? “Grandma has chosen a path different from the one we know to be right; we still love her, and pray that she will see the truth, and that our choices should be in line with Jesus’ teachings” – That being said, I think it is also vital for them to see their mother and dad (the ones who have been telling them all along about the right way) stand up for what they believe in, even if it means some hurt feelings or chilly dinners…“HOWEVER, while we will continue to pray for her to make the right choices, we will lead by example, and that’s why Grandma and ______ will be staying in a hotel instead of here in our house”

Then again, that might not work at all. but I’d like to think it might…ya know?


#14

Several years ago my sister-in-law told me she would visit me with her boyfriend for a couple of days, as they were passing through my state. I politely told her on the phone that they would be provided with separate bedrooms. She didn’t question me at all, just said “I understand” and let it go at that. Fortunately, after about a year she is no longer with him and is back in the Church.

Same thing happened with my oldest daughter (35) as she was travelling with her boyfriend to a family reunion we were having for a week. My youngest daughter, whose house they were going to stay at, told her that she would accommodate them in separate bedrooms. Well, my oldest daughter blew up and yelled at her “don’t you know this is the 90’s?” My daughter was in tears and called me up to share her experience. Later that day big sister apologized to little sister and told her that she and her boyfriend would stay in a local motel.

It is a wonderful occasion to take a stand for our faith, and not compromise on our beliefs. When it is our home we have the say; we are not responsible for what others decide to do elsewhere.


#15

:eek:
NO WAY! Once you expose children to something, their innocence is lost forever! I do not care how old the children are, not in my house!

She may stay alone in your home or what she does at the motel is her choice. You have children to look out for. Even if she goes to the motel, your children will ask. I would probably say soemthing to, we did not have enough room here for Grandma’s guest and her, so grandma wanted to be courtious to her friend by staying at the same hotel. That way her guest will have someone to help him get around town. If they were married it would be one thing, but do not let your children be exposed to this blantant abuse of the sacrement of marriage.

I am sorry if I am coming across too sternly, but I am very concerned with how other people’s sins effect the generations of tomorrow. Most people now a days do not think about that, they only think about what is PC or what makes them happy and no one else.

Your hubby should back you 100% for the sake of his girls! WOuld he really want his daughter to bring her boyfriend over the the house for a sleep over, I mean grandma did it and he approved of her. This will only escalate when they turn 18. Just make a firm rule that only married couples share bedrooms, REGARDLESS of who they are!


#16

NO WAY! Once you expose children to something, their innocence is lost forever! I do not care how old the children are, not in my house!

She may stay alone in your home or what she does at the motel is her choice. You have children to look out for. Even if she goes to the motel, your children will ask. I would probably say soemthing to, we did not have enough room here for Grandma’s guest and her, so grandma wanted to be courtious to her friend by staying at the same hotel. That way her guest will have someone to help him get around town. If they were married it would be one thing, but do not let your children be exposed to this blantant abuse of the sacrement of marriage.

I am sorry if I am coming across too sternly, but I am very concerned with how other people’s sins effect the generations of tomorrow. Most people now a days do not think about that, they only think about what is PC or what makes them happy and no one else.

Your hubby should back you 100% for the sake of his girls! WOuld he really want his daughter to bring her boyfriend over the the house for a sleep over, I mean grandma did it and he approved of her. This will only escalate when they turn 18. Just make a firm rule that only married couples share bedrooms, REGARDLESS of who they are!
[/quote]

For the record, I’m NOT suggesting its’ OK to let them room together – not at all. And the part of “grandma did it and he approved of her” – that’s not it at all!! Don’t let them share a room, but if she insists on it, you’ll have to send her elsewhere and if you want to be up front (with a 15yr old who is no doubt confronted with sex every day in some form or other), that would be a perfect way to explain it without demonizing the individual – i.e. love the sinner, hate the sin…and by 15, if she has ever turned on a television, glanced at a magazine cover in the supermarket, or even looked around her at school, she is no longer “innocent” to the world of sexuality that surrounds her – I’m simply suggesting that a parent might want to be up front and state unequivocally (sp?!) that

  1. It happens, and it will continue to happen all around us as long as Satan is around BUT

We do not have to accept it just because it is happeneing, no matter who it is that’s “doing it” – we can still take a stand for what is right.

It’s out there, and you can either pretend it’s not, shield them from all the evils of the world for as long as humanly possible and let them figure it out on their own or you can be frank and honest (I’m not talking about with a 3yr old, I’m talking about a kid who’s older and understands right and wrong a little deeper than toddler level) and tell them “this is wrong, this is why, and this is how your father and I are going to handle it”—that’s all I’m suggesting, not condoning it, or saying “it’s ok for her, but not you” – exactly the opposite; it’s never ok, and this is why…


#17

WOW

FIVE???

Your poor husband…

He may jump at the idea of a Motel…just so he doesn’t have to deal with the Daddy-du-jour…

My prayers are with you…and with him…


#18

[quote=RosarioDT] My husband while he doesn’t completely desagree with me, tells me that he doesn’t want to pick a fight with his mom. I’m at odds here, I don’t feel confortable with this and feel that this can bring problems between my husband and me.

Any advice? Also prayers appreciated!!

YiC,
Rosario
[/quote]

You are absolutely right to be concerned about this.

Talk to your husband about this some more. It will be easier for both of you to handle if you are on the same page. Because she is his mother it is mostly up to him to put his foot down in the interests of his children. If it comes from you you’ll just be the evil daughter-in-law. If she hears it from her own son, it’s different.

Aside from that, she may be his mother, but he is in charge of his own family now, and it’s his job to work with you to raise and protect your kids. It’s your house and your kids, and if she wants to see either, she should be willing to play by the rules you and your husband set down, out of respect for your space and your marriage.


#19

Tell your MIL you have a Catholic house, and follow a Catholic standard of living.
If she were a nudist, you would still make her wear clothes at your house.
If she were smoked pot, you would insist she leave her pipe at home.
By providing ONE bed for her and her boyfriend, you would be guilty of ‘aiding and abetting’ in someone’s sin.
So, provide separate beds (guest room and couch?) or offer a motel. It’s HER choice to stay with you/not stay with you. If she doesn’t stay with you and this causes problems, it is not YOUR fault- it was HER choice to put the BF of the moment ahead of her child/grandchildren.


#20

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