Mother's Unconditional Love - Why doesn't she love me?


#1

I guess that instead of complaining I should be grateful for having a mother and a father and 6 brothers and sisters but, why does my mother love my oldest brother more than all the rest of us!!! It is almost incestuous the way she hangs on every word he says and thinks he hung the moon and all what she does for him. She swears she doesn’t do any of that but growing up, that is what her and my dads fights were always about. Now he’s gone and that is what all of us feel towards her, the same thing.

How can a mother do that, how can she love one child more than another?

I wonder if she realizes this is why I can’t seem to find someone who truly loves me, I always settle for the ones who love me but not unconditionally like she is suppose to.

I even gave my oldest brother an organ and thought she would love me more finally because I saved his life, no not how she feels.

I am 45 yrs old and still don’t feel my mothers unconditional love? Something is wrong with that.

I feel so silly saying this but I really don’t think anyone knows how much this hurts.

Mother’s day is coming up and I feel terrible about seeing her or being around her. She lies to me all the time when it comes to my oldest brother. She even helped him into deceiving me into getting my kidney. I don’t know what to do, my life is ruined, my husband and I are headed for divorce, my job is not very secure. I want to move home so bad and she doesn’t do anything to help me get there, what is going to happen.

How can I love myself when my own mother doesn’t love me the way she should.

That must be why I keep picking people to love me just a little not unconditionally.

Please give me answers:and pray for me:::::::


#2

Welcome to CA! First let me say that I'll pray for you :)

Now lets talk about unconditional love... Protestants are really big on talking about AGAPE love, the way God loves and how we should do this and I agree 100%.

However we have to remember that we are not God, we are only human and while we can strive for this we will often fall flat on our face.

As a father of 4 sons I'm doing my very best to not show favoritism, I truly love each and everyone of my sons the same, sometimes for different reasons but the same. However I'm quite sure they are going to grow and from time to time feel like I loved one of them more than the other.

Why? I would ask how do you know your mother loves your brother more? Did she say that? or is it because she gave or have given him things others didn't get? or let him get away with things others didn't do? Could it be she was trying to do better with the younger children? it could be... it could also be that she felt she was trying to make up for something or rewarding something he did.

I only have 1 sister but I can tell you since I graduated College it's pretty much been about her. There are many things that if I had done them my parents would have freaked, she got away with those with no consequence. This is still going on to this day, I did everything my parents ever asked and always went above and beyond while she often chose the other route and was appeased for doing so while I would have been out had I done that. Yet she feels that I'm the one who mom and dad loved the most because I may have gotten things she did not. What she continues to forget is that those things were dependent upon meeting some goal. I met those, I fulfilled what they asked and they kept their promises while she chose not to meet those goals... yet because she made poor decisions I'm supposedly the favorite. To this day I can do something or be ill and my mother will say "oh I'm sorry" but the least little thing that happens, when seems to be often, with my sister and it's the end of the world because no one had had to deal with that. When I explain that yea I had or did that, I just didn't complain the sentiment is just ignored because I don't understand... My sister and I have gotten to the point that we joke about this now, at least a little, because it's funny how we both see the other as being the favorite for other reasons.

Could this be part of the case? What does your older brother think? Does he think he was the favorite? or perhaps would he see some of the younger children as getting away with more.

I can tell you I'm often harder on my oldest because he is setting the example for his little brothers, at times that means he gets extra positive attention to. Not because I love him anymore but because if he is going to have the responsibility, he needs to understand that and be rewarded in some way for it.

Again, these are not love issues, these are dealing with the different curve balls life throws at parent while trying to raise their children. However I can definitely see where some children might perceive them as being about love. Remember though that only God's love is perfect, as humans we will judge from time to time, even when we try not to do so.

To say though that your mother not providing you unconditional love, when pretty much no one gets that, is somehow the issue with you not being able to commit to a relationship is psychological BS in my opinion. We have to realize that we are ultimately responsible for our own happiness, not our parents. Our life with others and with God were initially guided by our parents hands, for good or for ill, but as adults we have 2 choices, we can accept responsibility or try to blame others. Blaming others and not taking responsibility has become the norm in our culture, heh - look at the Bush administration, but that doesn't make it right nor will it ultimately lead to happiness.

What a wonderful gift it sounds like you gave your brother, it also sounds like you are a fantastic sibling whose mother I'm sure loves with all of her heart. God knows the things you have done and He knows how it hurts when others ignore those gifts and accomplishments. Deep down I'm sure your mothers knows and is very proud, she just probably isn't verbalizing it or showing it as she should.

We all need to feel that we have our parents approval on some level, no matter our age, if we are raised in a loving household because that approval actually matters. Sometimes though parents fail at this... for most I don't believe it's on purpose but rather their humanity and forgetfulness.

What you need to realize is how important and special you are, regardless of your mother's approval or unconditional love. I'm sure your bother isn't love unconditionally either, you just don't realize it. Know that you have given gifts and of yourself in ways few others can or ever will, God knows that and now I and others on this board know that.

God does love you unconditionally as only He can and He will never forget nor let you go. We might chose to turn from Him at times but He will never turn from us.

I would suggest you continue to pray about this and spend some time with a Catholic therapist to help you work through these issues. You sound like such a wonderful giving person, you deserve better than to feel this sadness which plagues your heart. As you can get through those feels, talk to your mom about it sometime, about how your felt and how you feel now.

Joe


#3

Praying for you. The very important thing for you to do now is seek Catholic counseling so that you can grieve and then forgive your mother and what she was not for you as a child. My guess is that this disappointment has controlled so many aspects of your adult life. There is no reason to let that happen any longer. I don’t know the details of your marriage, but that may be a part of why things are rocky with your husband, if you’ve depended on him to fulfill that which your mother has not. Not very fair to him.


#4

Your situation isn't unusual. It really is your Mom's problem. For years I thought my Mom had a mental problem and it wasn't until she was 80 that someone got the fallout from one of her acting out episodes and possessed the expertise to put a name on it. ( I have forgotten what it was called but it had to do with being born that way (something with the personality) and is considered one of the hardest things to change, if the person can be changed at all. More than a narcistic personality).

Your Mom is focused on one person. She's ignored her other kids and her husband. How do you think your Dad feels? Why allow this to disrupt your life? Why would you want to go live with her? If your marriage is breaking up over your relationship with your mother, you need counseling.

My grandmother favored her son over my Mom. All my Mom did was focus on her brother and/or her mother. Even his wife knew her mil favored her husband. My Mom was obsessed. I couldn't wait to move out. I tried to tell her you cannot get peaches from an apple tree. They could not give her what she wanted.

And you might want to think if dwelling on what you didn't get from your mother is hurting your relationship with your husband. It is very difficult to feel YOU are there for a person when all she wants to do is talk about the love they're not getting from someone else.

And the gift of the kidney was a wonderful thing to do. I'm sure you would have done that no matter what the circumstances of your relationship with your Mom. You are a good, loving daughter and a good, loving sister. God is happy with you. Know that. :yeah_me::flowers:


#5

"My guess is that this disappointment has controlled so many aspects of your adult life."

I agree. You need to be released, in a way, as well as to release your mom. Then you will be free to do even more for your husband than you do now. As a married woman, your husband is your primary relationship.

She loves you, but you can't change the way/amount she loves you. You can only change yourself. Are you willing to move in the direction of forgiveness and acceptance of her, just the way she is. None of us have/had perfect earthly parents. They all made mistakes to one degree or another and we, as parents, are no better. (Do you have any children?)

Our Father in heaven loves us perfectly and I encourage you to share all this with Him & ask Him to help you accept her. I'm sorry you're suffering. You're not alone. We all suffer, each in our own way and time. You're a unique and special person, independent of what any other human does to you. You are precious b/c that is how God made each one of us. I'm praying for you and I hope you some sense this today.forums.catholic.com/images/smilies/thumbsup.gif


#6

I'm sorry, I know this must be really painful :hug1: remember that you have a Mother in Heaven - Our Lady - who does love you unconditionally and much more than any earthly mother can :) God bless.


#7

Hiyas:)

You are in my prayers.

[quote="Sweetie6965, post:1, topic:196273"]
I guess that instead of complaining I should be grateful for having a mother and a father and 6 brothers and sisters but, why does my mother love my oldest brother more than all the rest of us!!!!!!!!! It is almost incestuous the way she hangs on every word he says and thinks he hung the moon and all what she does for him. She swears she doesn't do any of that but growing up, that is what her and my dads fights were always about. Now he's gone and that is what all of us feel towards her, the same thing.

[/quote]

Are all of your brothers and sisters fighting with their spouses? Do they - have they found spouses who love them? Maybe, it's the way you are reacting?

How can a mother do that, how can she love one child more than another?

You have no children? I think, if you did you would understand each child is an individual - and mommys and daddys usually respond to that individual differently. I don't think it's a matter of loving one more but loving each differently.

I wonder if she realizes this is why I can't seem to find someone who truly loves me, I always settle for the ones who love me but not unconditionally like she is suppose to.

With all do respect, does your mommy choose these people - or do you?

I even gave my oldest brother an organ and thought she would love me more finally because I saved his life, no not how she feels.

You gave a kidney to your brother to get more love from your mommy? A gift half given - is no gift

I am 45 yrs old and still don't feel my mothers unconditional love? Something is wrong with that.

Are you giving your mommy your unconditional love? From your post it seems that you are asking for unconditional love - but putting your conditions on giving your love.

I feel so silly saying this but I really don't think anyone knows how much this hurts.

I truly sorrow for your pain.

Mother's day is coming up and I feel terrible about seeing her or being around her. She lies to me all the time when it comes to my oldest brother. She even helped him into deceiving me into getting my kidney.

You didn't know you were giving him your kidney?

I don't know what to do, my life is ruined,

As I'm growing up, I'm finding out more and more I'm responsible for my life choices.

my husband and I are headed for divorce,

You fail to say what you and your husband are doing to improve this situation. Your mommy isn't married to him.

I want to move home so bad and she doesn't do anything to help me get there, what is going to happen.

If you feel so bad about your mommy - why would you want to move to her home?

How can I love myself when my own mother doesn't love me the way she should.

Your mommys love is on loan. We aren't guaranteed a time period. Using your example, I shouldn't love myself - My mommy went to heaven.

That must be why I keep picking people to love me just a little not unconditionally.

I think you would be hard pressed to find unconditional love within the human framework - The word unconditional is subjective in nature. It's definition is obscured by our interpretations.
Actually, you chose / pick the ones you allow to love you. Maybe, better choices are in order?

Please give me answers:and pray for me:::::::

I will keep you in my prayers.:)


#8

I am sorry for your pain and I will pray for you. I suggest that you seek counseling to learn to let go of the past and your expectations of other people. At times I have expectations of others and end up feeling let down... I know, mothers are "supposed" to love us unconditionally and some do, but for the rest of us, we have to learn to be happy where we are and grateful for what God has given us. God bless.


#9

Why would we need God to judge us when we have KimmieLittle.

Sorry that I didn't explain the situations in more detail but it would have been 45 years long and 5 peoples feelings.

In another words it is not just me who feels this way, all of my brothers and sisters, and it has gone on all of our lives.

Sorry you feel you had to judge me, I wrote on this CATHOLIC forum because I wanted to be prayed for and loved, not judged.

But, seems like I will pray for you, you may need it more than me.

By the way I was only blessed with one child!!!!!!!! Everything happens for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


#10

[quote="Sweetie6965, post:9, topic:196273"]
Why would we need God to judge us when we have KimmieLittle.

Sorry that I didn't explain the situations in more detail but it would have been 45 years long and 5 peoples feelings.

In another words it is not just me who feels this way, all of my brothers and sisters, and it has gone on all of our lives.

Sorry you feel you had to judge me, I wrote on this CATHOLIC forum because I wanted to be prayed for and loved, not judged.

But, seems like I will pray for you, you may need it more than me.

By the way I was only blessed with one child!!!!!!!! Everything happens for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[/quote]

There is no reason to be upset with Kimmie, I think the point everyone is making is that you need to get help to move on past this disappointment, to grieve it and forgive it. Whether or not you realize it, the way you describe the situation always leads to the hurt affecting other areas of your life. I have known too many people who have let the hurts from their youth (whether it be rejection, neglect, abuse, etc.) dictate their adult lives. By the time a person is an adult, they should realize that whatever their past, they, themselves, are responsible for their words and actions, that blaming the past doesn't work. For your benefit, the benefit of your marriage, the benefit of your parenting, and the benefit of any and all other relationships you have you must heal from this or you will continue the cycle you find yourself complaining about. My younger brother is fulfilling the dreams of my father, the dream he has tried to push on each and everyone of us. Instead of being upset at my dad's over excitement about it (an excitement that was never expressed about anyone of us in the same manner), I worry that my brother is doing this to please my dad. My brother can do no wrong in my dad's eyes. But you know what, I don't hold it against my dad. Neither do any of my other brothers and sisters.


#11

[quote="Sweetie6965, post:9, topic:196273"]
Why would we need God to judge us when we have KimmieLittle.

Sorry that I didn't explain the situations in more detail but it would have been 45 years long and 5 peoples feelings.

In another words it is not just me who feels this way, all of my brothers and sisters, and it has gone on all of our lives.

Sorry you feel you had to judge me, I wrote on this CATHOLIC forum because I wanted to be prayed for and loved, not judged.

But, seems like I will pray for you, you may need it more than me.

By the way I was only blessed with one child!!!!!!!! Everything happens for a reason!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[/quote]

Please don't feel judged. Knowing that our parents can't or won't give us the unconditional love we want is a very hard cross to bear. I have a mother who is the same way. There's 4 of us but her focus is on my sister and her children. She doesn't even acknowlege our birthdays with a phone call. The only time I hear from her is if she wants something. We told her how we feel but it did no good. She just looked for reasons to justify her behavior and that made it even more hurtful.

I've learned to focus on my own family(husband and 2 sons). They see that things aren't right with my mother and they support me. Praying has helped me feel that unconditional love from God. And daily, I will to foregive(by prayer and just telling God that I forgive mom because I don't really feel it) for all past offenses and all hurtful things she still does. I accept that she will never change and that my love for her has to be based on doing what's right for her instead of warm fuzzy feelings. She has a way of sucking me but the charm(she uses empathy), I come to understand is only to get me hooked so that she can get what she wants from me then cast me aside until she needs something again.
Do I love her? Yes because she is my mother and a child of God, but the warm fuzzies are gone and so is the longing for a close relationship(almost). It's about duty and boundies now.

I hope this helps to know that there are people out there in the same boat as you are.

Pray for me and I pray for you. :thumbsup:


#12

[quote="Sweetie6965, post:9, topic:196273"]
Why would we need God to judge us when we have KimmieLittle.

[/quote]

I'm truly sorry you took my questions as judgment. I asked the questions I would ask of myself.

You asked for answers:

Please give me answers:and pray for me:::::::

I asked questions based on the things you posted and answered the best I could on the other questions you asked.

Sorry you feel you had to judge me, I wrote on this CATHOLIC forum because I wanted to be prayed for and loved, not judged.

Questions are not judgment. What you've said here in this post is judgment. There is a difference.

But, seems like I will pray for you, you may need it more than me.

I'm a kid and I can use all the prayers I can get.:D Thank you for your prayers.:) I have kept you in mine.


closed #13

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