Moving on, Trusting again...How?


#1

Reading several threads about annulments, divorce and moving on prompted me to start this thread. I started thinking…seriously thinking about what it means to move on, to trust again.

I thought I was ok with everything up until now, I really thought I had “moved on” since I felt good about being “out” of the situation I was in, the only thing left is the finalizing of the divorce. I do feel good, I know I did the right thing, the man I married didn’t want to be married.

So here’s my concern…have I really moved on? I know I’m over my stbx, I know I don’t want anything to do with him ever again, but I have not had any kind of relationship with any other man so what if I’m stuck:confused: :o? You know…the whole trust thing. I’m doing fantastic…by myself:blush:. I don’t have to talk to anyone, share with anyone, explain to anyone, etc.

The thought of having another relationship really scares me, not so much because of the guy, but because of me. Can I really ever trust again…I mean really, truly trust…I don’t think I have it in me and I certainly wouldn’t want to make someone have to deal with my trust issues, my fears, my inability to give myself fully.

So how does a person like me do this without dragging someone else into my “emotional mess”:shrug: :o. I’m doing great, but I really haven’t been challenged in that arena yet so can I really say that I’m doing great when I really don’t know?

I don’t know if I made any sense, if I did I’m glad if not…sorry:blush: . Any wisdom or light shed on this would be greatly appreciated.


#2

Lexee, I don’t know if you will have a problem trusting or not.

But I do think you have a different problem. You are worrying about something out of order. In some cases it is NOT a good idea to get an early start on trying to solve a puzzle.

I know it’s easier said than done. (I’d probably be wondering the same thing if I was in your circumstances.) But I doubt you will have any success coming up with an answer for your question until after you take care of more immediate business. You have a divorce to work on and then a ruling of nullity to pursue before it even matters whether you’ll need to trust a man (in a close relationship.) It’s hard to come up with a good answer for a problem that doesn’t exist yet.

My suggestion is to handle your immediate problems. That will give you more practice trusting yourself. That will put you in a better position to decide if and when to trust others.


#3

I think it will be hard to learn to trust again. You, as you are now, could not trust a man. Thankfully, who we are does not stay constant in our lives, but changes with the passage of time. I think you will learn to trust again, when you find someone worthy of your trust.

My boyfriend was in an invalid marriage before, and we do work through his trust issues in our relationship. (I have some of my own, too - I had an ex-boyfriend who I found out was cheating on me, and all his friends had known about it because he’d been bragging!) In our relationship, we find we have to be very open about things. We live far apart, but we’re in touch several times a day so the other person doesn’t have time to worry about where we are. I know his friends and he knows mine, and we’re quite open about who we’re with when we go out.

Before I was dating my boyfriend, in previous relationships, I would have thought nothing of going out for a beer with a group of male friends at a bar. Now, if I want to do that, I let him know and make sure he’s okay with it. Some people call that controlling, I call it reasonable accommodation. In the same way, when his cousin takes him out dancing at a club, he checks that I’m not going to be offended if he dances with another woman before he says he’ll go.

I guess what I’m saying is that no matter how long you give yourself to heal, there will come a time in your next relationship (if you have one) when your issues will come to a head. That’s life. The thing is, when you meet the right person, they’re the kind of person who wants to do what it takes to help you work through those issues.


#4

Just to let you know she already got that.:wink:


#5

Lexee pray for God to heal your heart. It will take time. But when the man God meant for you comes along -with understanding and patience- I think you will be just fine. Some individual counseling certainly may help to move things forward. But in time I believe your heart will heal.
God Bless!


#6

I think that you are pretty perceptive to realize that at the heart of it all is trusting yourself. Even though I was the “victim” in my marriage, I still played a role in being the victim. I ignored or rationalized away significant red flags early in the relationship. I’ve since done a lot of studying (and received a lot of counseling) and now not only do I think I am more able to identify the warning signs I also know that I am not willing to accept them. That is what my counselor tells me is huge…I’ve found my voice.

I have an easy-going, very accommodating personality, which can be a good thing. It makes me easy to get along with, but being so agreeable isn’t necessarily good for a relationship. There needs to be give and take between both people in a relationship. So, for me, a big part of it will be learning to trust myself to say things like “no” when I need to say no.

Honestly, I am feeling ready to trust. I know it opens myself up to being hurt again, but I think the payoff is worth the risk. I think I have a lot more control over being able to manage that risk than I once had. So, my thought is if you want to trust…do trust yourself.


#7

You won’t be ready to enter into a new relationship so soon after the split. It’s only natural. You don’t have to worry about this. Just make sure you don’t develop antisocial patterns, paranoid fears, avoidant streaks etc and you’ll be fine. :wink: A nasty divorce does get people burnt out. Losing someone, losing a relationship, does tear away a huge part of us. We can’t really fill the void with someone else immediately. For some time you’ll be getting over it, you’ll feel better single than otherwise. If you really notice some worrying patterns, as in more than just a normal human reaction, then you can always talk to a psychologist, maybe even some form of therapy - but when and if it’s needed. And certainly if you could find a Catholic program for people in your situation, it could prove invaluable in dealing with what you’re going through. :slight_smile:


#8

I don’t think you have any problems, lexee.:o I think when we experience loss–even through divorce–we need to mourn it…and there are varying levels of grief. It doesn’t mean we have to cry to express grief, but trust issues are part of the process. Allow yourself to settle into your new life–and allow yourself these ‘feelings.’ It’s important to not stay in this mode for too too long–but it’s important to not avoid it. I think your feelings are very normal…so just give yourself some time. God bless!


#9

I guess this could be taken as moving too fast, or worrying about what hasn’t happened yet and, yes, I still have some things to finish up.

I think dulcisima is right, I think my biggest fear is that I don’t trust myself anymore:blush:. I used to think I was sooooo smart about men and really thought I knew when one of them was just bsing me. I did pretty good for a long time, I thought I had weeded out those who weren’t serious like I was…but the wool was pulled over my eyes:doh2: and the saddest part is that there were red flags everywhere…now that I look back:mad:!!!

How could I ever trust my own judgment again:eek:??? Everyone that knew me back then would describe me as tough when it came to guys, I didn’t easily fall and was always on guard, they thought for sure that whenever I married it would last since I was always so careful and “level headed” about things. I don’t know what happened:shrug: and it makes me nervous.

How can I say that I’m doing fine and moved on when I haven’t really been tested? Trusting in the Lord is hard enough, how can a trust myself enough to give an opportunity to try and trust someone else?

It’s really hard for me when I think about it because I would really like to get married again…I sincerely believe that is my vocation and my stbx cheated me out of living that vocation.

What are some things that I can do to help in this area of my life? I pray a lot, I ask for healing, ability to love, to replace any bitterness with joy, etc. and that’s how I try to live my life…with joy and appreciation for everything God has blessed me with.

I guess I won’t really know how well I’m doing until I’m put to the test…and that won’t happen until I get out there again and enter a new relationship:shrug:.


#10

i think it’s really important to spend a LOT of time single-- really SINGLE-- just like you’re doing, when a marriage or significant relationship has ended. it’s always devastating.

you are VERY perceptive to give yourself much time to recover from reeling. you will receive MANY awarenesses if you prayerfully, slowly travel this journey with the Lord. God will give you truths about yourself and those truths will set you free.

as for trusting another, if you allow God to be with you, change you, heal you and guide you through what might seem like the desert, you will ***become ***confident with this: untrustworthy people do not deserve trust. trustworthy people know the value of trust and are willing to earn your trust.

with God’s help, overtime, post-traumatic self-protection will soften into wisdom. you will be great partner material and you’ll find a great mate.


#11

I think you might be thinking about this now because you are lonely. I know first hand just how lonely this time can be. I think if you do run across someone that you kind of like, make a firm decision to take it slow and be friends. Guys who are up to something or who are hiding something are going to want to take it slow. They are going to want to sweep you off your feet before you have much of a chance to think. Go slow and work on building a real friendship with someone…then you will know if you have something worth taking a chance with romance. A guy that really knows how to be friends with a woman, who respects them enough to value them as a whole person, that is what you are looking for. I think if you go slow, you’ll find that your brain can keep pace with your heart to the point that you should be able to trust yourself. At least that is what I am hoping is a good strategy.


#12

Yeah, hindsight kinda stinks revealing stuff like that. Here’s the thing though: people like our exes are very rare as far as the general population is concerned. We missed the warning signs because they were so rare in the circles when moved in that we never picked up on them as being problems after checking off the list of things that would be issues in the 99% of relationships where we could see the problems coming. However, we’ve gotten a direct personal experience in spotting that 1%, you’ve now seen all the really sneaky dirty tricks and can can smell them a mile away. You probably need to let the tender spots heal up a bit longer, but when you reenter the market you’ll be one of the folks setting the scene though the fact that you have been tested in the storm and simply won’t tolerate the games.


#13

Oops, well, if it wasn’t already obvious…I didn’t mean:

“Guys who are up to something or who are hiding something are going to want to take it slow.”

I meant they are NOT going to want to take it slow.


#14

Yeah…I kinda figured that’s what you meant:thumbsup: :p!!!


#15

first of all, I want to remind you that I am one of the people on this forum who have watched you go through all this stuff - you are one of my heroines, and I mean that - I am not just blowing smoke up your bloomers, as my old granddaddy would say.

Lexee, I think it is difficult to consider another relationship when you have a child to raise. It is not impossible to believe that God would lead you to the right person for the both of you if you were to submit your will to His in this matter. Nor is it impossible to believe that God may want you to wait until your child is grown to lead you to the proper husband for you. It may also be that God wants you to remain single. No one can answer that question - it comes to us through prayer and discernment and every time I think I know the absolute answer for MY life something happens that makes me think, 'Hmmmm…do I really have it all figured out?"

You are a loving and intelligent and incredible creation of God’s - give this to Him. Trust that whatever is going on in your life at the moment is part of His Will…and I know you will have a life that is second to none.


#16

Everyone else has pretty much covered all the bases. All I can add is **SLOW DOWN! ** You have been through more pain in the past couple years than most people experience in a lifetime. On the good side you got rid of a jerk of a husband, but you also lost a beautiful baby girl. Some of healing occurs very subtly without you knowing it. The big things seem to be coming together, but it’s the little things that will trip you up if you do give yourself time.

Continue to work on your healing and when the time is right, God will send you the right man.


#17

Oh Leslie…you’re too kind and you’re making me blush:blush:!!! I certainly don’t consider myself any kind of heroine…actually more like a coward at times:o.

A pp talked about not hiding away and being antisocial…I must admit, I have done that to a certain extent. I think that’s why I started to wonder if I had really moved on and was doing as well as I thought I was:blush:. I keep to myself raising my child as best I can and missing my little girl:(.

I go to Mass, confession and if there is anything extra that my parish provides and I’m interested in I’ll try and make that. I got involved in a moms group and see those ladies about twice a month, I’ve enrolled ds in some classes through the park district that we attend together. I’m not completely antisocial, we go to the mall and the park aside from the other activities…but it’s just ds and I.

I “feel” fine, I don’t have a sense that I’m missing out on anything…until I see an intact family…maybe that’s why we don’t go out that much:shrug:, because that’s when I feel like I’m missing out on something. Not just me, that’s when I feel ds is missing out on something very special, a family…a dad and siblings. I don’t know how to explain it, it’s not that I’m lonely…it’s that I’m missing something, my stbx took that from me and I had no say.

Sounds like I do need a therapist:eek: :blush:. Everyone’s responses have been great, thanks for your support:)!!!


#18

I just recently broke up with my fiance and I would say I am searching too… I am not ready to “move on” yet because I am still busy healing. I am taking this time to work on my relationship with Jesus. He is a trustworthy man to place your heart in. Give all of yourself to him and he will heal you.

Two psalms were recommended to me 139 and 25. Hope these help.


#19

It sounds to me that you are right where God wants you to be in regards to a social life. You are doing better than you think you are and YES you are a heroine to me…my mother went through what you went through and if it gives you any hope at all she lived long enough to see my father reconcile to the Holy Mother Church about 10 days before he died…and that was 3 years ago. She devoted herself to her children, and in our eyes the only human who ever had a mother more perfect than our’s is Jesus Christ.


#20

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