Moving out of parent's home


#1

In your opinion, when is the right time for a young person to move out of their parents' house? (let's say we're talking about a young woman).

Please share your views :)


#2

Is she going to college? that’s the first step. It’s a good way to cut the ties, because you can’t be home all the time, but your room is still there for Christmas and summer breaks.

I left home at age 18. I was working and I “stole” my sister’s roommate. My sister was a slob and it drove her roommate crazy. We stayed roommates for a couple of years. I went back to my Dad’s house one more time in between having a roommate and getting my own place, but after that, I was fully launched.

Kids these days stay at home much longer than even my generation did.


#3

thanks for the reply :slight_smile:

well - I’ll explain :slight_smile:

this question is really for myself I suppose…

I ‘moved out’ for a time during college (I am graduating next week) - because my university was in a different city. So I lived on my own and rented a place.

Then I finished my classes and came back home and started looking for work. The job market is kind of tough right now so I haven’t been able to find a job yet. Well my parents are expecting me to move out when I get a job. That’s what my mom told me today. I’m single, I’m not getting married. I’m a bit worried because I might not find a job in my career area this first year, - since it’s so competitive here, - and I’ll just have some other job, but I don’t know if there will be enough money. I would also have to move to another city, I guess, because I live in a town there are mostly houses here.

I’m just wondering for others here… when is an appopriate time to permanently move out. (after college, not during). Most of my friends are still living at home, but many of them are still in college, or getting more degrees.


#4

There is no mandate to leave home anymore than there is a mandate to stay home. It’s up to you and your lifestyle or economic realities. That’s the plain truth.


#5

I first lived away from home at the dorms at university for my last year. I then moved from home completely for my first job 2 hours from home. I moved back for a few years after losing that job, and after a few years, I now live alone & have a good job now.


#6

I think it is different for each person.

My in-laws told my DH that once he graduated from college, he must immediately get a job and move out, which he did. In fact, he came home from college graduation to find all his stuff from his bedroom packed up in boxes and ready to go. He was pretty shocked and hurt that they were kicking him out so quickly. He basically found a roommate in a day and moved. That was 25 years ago. He had told my sons they would get the same treatment. He said if they had to live on the street, so be it.

However, I have told my 2 sons now in college that they must seek full time employment upon graduation. However, realistically, this is a tough job market - hopefully better by the time they graduate, and if they cannot find employment, I am not going to “kick them out”. They will always have a roof over their heads in my home if they are seeking employment, trying to better themselves, and not just loafing around. They will be expected to contribute in some fashion, not be free-loaders (they already do contribute in the way of house upkeep, cooking, dishes, laundry, yard work, etc., so I am not too concerned about that).


#7

My story is similar to yours a bit. Moved out at 18 for 5 years for college. Then off to opposite side of the country for a two year catholic volunteer program. I moved back home after that. I mean it was difficult a little at first. I was studying for a big test and then got a job. I told them I would pay some rent or food if they wanted but they don't. It can seem off 26 and living with parents AND when I heard of others doing that when I was in college I thought that was weird but here I am. My job I could live somewhere else but it would be tight. I look at this and say one day God willing if I get married. I will look back and really appreciate this extra time I got to spend with my parents.


#8

a) When she can afford it
b) When having parents for landlords or a child for a tenant ceases to be a pleasant arrangment in which everyone pulls their weight as an adult. The best long-term arrangements tend to be similar to they would if you were to let a room out…your rules, they do some of the work and contribute some of the cost, but the homeowner/parent pays most of the expensives of keeping the home up.
c) I know many parents who do not charge rent if the child keeps himself/herself either in school, employed full time (paid or volunteer), or on brief local vacation (like 2 weeks), and does his or her share of the upkeep of the home and/or meal preparation.

I know people who needed out at 18, even though they had fine relationships with their parents once they left, and people who did well at home and simply became another adult in the household practically for a lifetime, and both chose correctly. It depends on the family.

If the situation is truly toxic, the child needs to leave, even if he or she doesn’t have any obvious means to support himself/herself. The parties involved must be able to live in peace and harmony, or else not live together at all.


#9

Well, it would be good to sit down with your mom and dad and really talk about what they mean by “move out when you get a job.” I mean, does that mean on the DAY you get the job, you start packing? Or will they give you help with the deposit on an apartment, etc.? Ask them to be a little bit patient, and explain that it might be challenging to get a job in your field immediately (I hope you got a major in a field where there ARE jobs), but that if you need to pay something toward groceries, you will.

It’s up to all of the parties to work out a satisfactory agreement. You are all adults now and need to sit down together and discuss the terms. I think parents who just throw their graduating kids out are a little bit out of touch with the world now days. But kids can’t hold onto the nest too long, either. So there is give and take. I think it’s natural for 20-somethings not to want to be in Mom & Dad’s house any more, but make your own way in the world, it just takes a little patience on everyone’s part.

Congratulations on the graduation! Well done!

:extrahappy::yyeess::yeah_me:


#10

In the distant past, it was the norm for families to stay together, at least very close by. Some siblings would marry into a different family but in general some would stay behind and as a result multiple generations would be close together.

This is the best way to pass on great traditions and the deepest wisdom.

Today, this noble family tradition is mostly ridiculed. What a shame.

I recommend staying at home as long as possible. You can save money as well. This allows more donations to legitimate causes.


#11

Hello Monica!

As an answer to your question, I would say that a progressive moving-out, during college years, is best. (I'm in college, and so this is the plan for me) Then you would save up enough money during those years, perhaps through internships and other jobs, to afford living expenses for a short time after, until one gets on their feet with an income.

But of course there are exceptions. Personally, at school I live so far away from my parents that it is unrealistic for me to move back. The way that financial aid works, I'll have much of my (year-long) lease for an apartment paid through the summer after I graduate, that it could be all the time I need to get a "real" job. But we will see what God has in store for me!

I wonder if God has already placed the answer on your heart? I sort of feel that way when I'm on the verge of posting something. We can definitely second-guess ourselves a lot, or question what God has told us. Last time I was about to post a question, I stopped, sort of sure I already knew the answer. But then the next day, God led me to the firm answer, in the contrary to what my scrupulous self had decided. :)

God Bless! Happy mini-discernment :)


#12

thanks! :slight_smile:

I don’t think my parents would ‘kick me out’ right when I get a job, but I think the expectation is that after I find a job, I should start the process of moving out. I’m a little nervous to be honest… even though I’ve lived away from home, it’s different when you’re totally on your own. I think it’s likely that my parents would help me though :slight_smile: I’d have to talk to them more, I agree.


#13

I wish I had done that… that’s a good plan :slight_smile: I spent all my money on school and other things during college, and I had to use loans to pay for most of it.

But of course there are exceptions. Personally, at school I live so far away from my parents that it is unrealistic for me to move back. The way that financial aid works, I’ll have much of my (year-long) lease for an apartment paid through the summer after I graduate, that it could be all the time I need to get a “real” job. But we will see what God has in store for me!

I wonder if God has already placed the answer on your heart? I sort of feel that way when I’m on the verge of posting something. We can definitely second-guess ourselves a lot, or question what God has told us. Last time I was about to post a question, I stopped, sort of sure I already knew the answer. But then the next day, God led me to the firm answer, in the contrary to what my scrupulous self had decided. :slight_smile:

God Bless! Happy mini-discernment :slight_smile:

I definitely need to pray more I think :slight_smile:

thanks! God bless :slight_smile:


#14

thanks for all the replies :)


#15

[quote="Samuel63, post:10, topic:243516"]
In the distant past, it was the norm for families to stay together, at least very close by. Some siblings would marry into a different family but in general some would stay behind and as a result multiple generations would be close together.

This is the best way to pass on great traditions and the deepest wisdom.

Today, this noble family tradition is mostly ridiculed. What a shame.

I recommend staying at home as long as possible. You can save money as well. This allows more donations to legitimate causes.

[/quote]

:thumbsup:

My friend lived with her parents through college and even after she had her first teaching job. She lived with them when her father suffered a stroke and recovered from it, and she lived with them when her father finally passed away many years later. When she finally married, she and her new husband had a home built and moved her mom in with them.

She was a strong, vibrant, confident woman who could easily have moved out while she was in college. But she valued the beauty of her family and wanted as much time with them as she could get while they were still alive. And like Samuel says, she loved the traditions she shared with her mom -- like making home-made candy every Christmas.

There is no hard-and-fast rule about when it's time to move out, or how to make that switch. Sitting down and opening up the topic of conversation is a good start. But don't expect that everything will be settled in one conversation.

Reflect on your best-case scenario. What is it you want? Do you want to be out on your own? Do you want to be close to family until you're married?

God bless you during this exciting time of transition! Enjoy the ups and downs and know that Our Lord will be working through everything going on :thumbsup:

Gertie


#16

I moved out at 17 to start college and never returned. My parents always made it clear that after the age of 18 I was on my own, but that they would provide as much assistance as they could through college, and that in a pinch, I was always welcome home, for a time, to regroup.

My family raised me to expect and plan for self-sufficiency upon the completion of my education, and for that I am grateful. I see many 20-30 year olds still living in immaturity and unable to care for themselves. I even have a few adult friends who had such pampered and privileged upbringings that they are unable to spread their wings at all in life.

That said, it depends on the child. My son has special needs, so it will take more planning to make sure he has the social supports in place. But we are not going to keep him with us forever (though I wish I could justify doing that). We are going to encourage him to find a nice girl, and we will work with that family to make sure the couple has a good situation with as much family and state support to allow them to live as semi-independently as possible. It will be our biggest gift to him, I believe.


#17

In my family it’s not that uncommon to see single daughters living with their parents for a while. The sons not so much. But we’re a pretty tight knit group.

I moved out when I got married. If I didn’t get married I probably would have moved out eventually. But my first full-time job paid very little and the places I could afford were in unsafe areas…so my parents were agreeable to providing food and shelter as long as I was paying for everything else.


#18

Get involved in some Church activities and make some new friends in the area you intend to live, even while you are still at home unemployed. Then when you get a job, ask one of those new friends to be roomates to keep expenses tolerable.

Smartest financial move I ever made when single was to always have roomates. If it takes a while to find one after getting employed, insist on paying rent to your folks in the meantime, even if its just $3-400 or so. If they won’t take that, step up your housework massively to pull your weight. It’s a crucial part of training yourself to be self supporting.


#19

Although each situation is different, I think it's important that a woman live on her own and support herself for a while before marriage. I think it's typical that a girl moves out to attend college, comes home for visits and summer breaks, and when she graduates she finds a job and gets her own place (maybe with a girlfriend or two to share rent.) Living at home in your 20s for an extended amount of time is, in my opinion, not very healthy.


#20

Good progression:

Out of house to college in an area at least 1 hour from home. Live in dorm with roommate. Meal plan, so no need to cook.
2nd or 3rd year of college: Off-campus apartment, still with roommates. Independent cooking, etc. Problem solving when conflicts arise.
Graduation: Either move in with just one roommate and get a job, or move home while looking for a job. Stay in touch with roommate that you get along with the best.
Find a job: Also get a roommate. They are good company, provided you already know them.
Make enough money to move and be on your own. Heaven!

:smiley:


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