Moving out of the parents house - the big "Should I", or is it morally right?


#1

Should I move out from my parents?

This is a question that I am unsure of the answer of.

Sure, by society’s standards, I’m 22 (will be 23 in a few weeks), have a full time job, and can likely afford to move out. I am not being pressured by my parents at all to move out, and have a very positive relationship with them. Go to church every weekend with them, communicate openly and honestly about everything with them, etc…

What are the benefits of moving out on my own?

The only real benefit I see, aside from saving a few bucks on Gas every week, is more sexual freedom - NOT A CATHOLIC VALUE!!!

Some of my coworkers are stating that in this day in age that it’s impossible to get a girlfriend if you’re 22 and still living with you’re parents. I’m wondering what kind of girlfriend they are referring to - the one that will give her body up as soon as she sees you and may as well ask for money, or the one who will be in a good strong Catholic relationship - meaning NO SEX - until Marriage.


#2

Then don’t move. If your parents are letting you stay and you enjoy it, then stay.

Tell your peers that you are happy where you are, saving money, plus no one cooks like mom. :thumbsup:
Your love life is of no one’s concern.

I’d be proud to have a strong Catholic minded son as you. Good job. Your parents sound like they did a great job also.


#3

It is good to be independent - and I think there can be great value in having lived alone prior to say, getting married. But it can also be a very prudent thing to do to stay in a good living situation and save some of your money for later.

My dh would have been able to move out of his parents house when he graduated from college, but he lived there another 3 years because there really wasn’t a good reason to leave. He saved money on rent, and his presence around his parents house was a positive one - he did alot of things to help out, was responsible like an adult - they didn’t take care of him. He did end up living alone for about a year before we got married, and I actually don’t know if he thinks it did him any good (although I know that it was good for ME to be on my own for about a year before my wedding).

I think the key is being able to live like an adult - that is, taking responsiblity around the house, whether it is financially or physically doing more to help out. Being able to have the freedom that an adult has, while also having the respect and consideration for the people you live with to recognize that your “freedom” is not complete. Also, being able to continue to mature as an adult, rather than getting stuck in old adolescent patterns (like having the same struggles with your parents etc.).

If living with your parents is a crutch, or is keeping you for learning a vital aspect of independence then maybe moving out wouldn’t hurt. As for the sexual freedom - well, for some Catholics, it wouldn’t matter where they live, they’d be able to follow the right moral code no matter what. But for others, having the social pressure of knowing you live with your parents may just be the thing to keep you accountable for your actions.


#4

If you have a great relationship with your parents, then by all means stay where you are. It’s a great way to save up money for your future and as long as you are paying rent/doing your share there are no moral implications with staying with them. The problem comes when you start trying to court a young lady and she finds out you live at home. You need to clear this up early on by saying something like:

Yes, I live at home, but I’m taking the opportunity to save up for my future wife and kids.

If you don’t, she is may assume (and I’ve found this to the be the case many, many times, so it is not an unreasonable assumption) that you simply aren’t ready for the responsibilities of marriage.

In other words, make sure you are financially reimbursing your parents in some way for the roof over your head. And use this opportunity to be financially responsible. And if you do meet the perfect girl, make sure you make it clear that you are living with your parents because it gives you the opportunity to be more responsible for your future family. :thumbsup:


#5

I am ambivalent about this. I would not want my daughters to marry a man who had never lived on his own. I mean after college. Why would you NOT want to have the responsibility of living alone before you are responsible for someone else?

On the other hand, I understand that the whole multi-generational -family-under-one -roof thing used to be the norm, and there were many positive things about it. But this isn’t what we are talking about, is it?

I don’t understand why this current 20 something generation believes that the default is to live with mom and dad as long as you can. If you are able to move out, move out and start your life and let them get on with theirs.


#6

So, you’re saying that everybody who lives alone does so for ‘sexual freedom’? I hate to say it, but you are coming off as kind of stuck up.

How about learning how to do things the adult world requires such as paying bills, budgeting (trust me, it’s different than just ‘paying rent’ to your parents), cleaning your own apartment, doing your own cooking, shopping, laundry, repairs, etc. THAT is why most girls look for somebody has moved out of the house - it shows they are an independent adult, who can make wise, prudent, moral decisions even though they are on their own. How do you expect to eventually be the head of a household (with a family) when you’ve never even been in charge of your OWN household?

Gee, I never knew I was so scandalous because I live on my own Yup, I’m definitely doing it so I can have a guy over every single night.

Now, granted, you are 22 - and at your age I still lived half at home, and half at college (in a dorm), and wouldn’t have thought twice about being with a guy who lived at home during those years. I ‘officially’ moved out when I went to grad school. I don’t think there is any reason to move out while you are at college, and if you go to school close by, it’s probably not so bad to live at home. But envetually there comes a time when it can really benefit you to live on your own. It’s one thing to help out around the house and pay some rent. That’s a great thing.

But it really is totally different to actually live on your own, in an apartment (I’m assuming you’re not going to buy a house :wink: ) with YOUR name on the lease. I would say that it is even drastically different than having roommates or housemates. There are a lot of little ‘issues’ and demands on your time/money that come up that you have to deal with that you just don’t see when you’re in your parents’ home, because they deal with them.

So, yes, I would speak in favor of moving out…it’s not required by any means (especially at your age), but I think it can be very helpful, and the fact that you don’t do it doesn’t suddenly make you so much more virtuous than everybody else who does. But if your friends are giving you that **** (move out so you can get a girl, etc)…just disregard it as the others have said. Along with the whole idea that at 22 you HAVE to have a girlfriend anyway :wink:

You can definitely have the strong Catholic relationship you desire. And any decent girl would see your positive relationship with your parents and love of home life as a virtue that bodes well for her own possible future!

Edited - wow, was the ‘c’ word just edited out of my post? Nice filters :slight_smile:


#7

Honestly, I didn’t move out until I was 25. I bought my own house as an investment. Because of my job, I was coming in on the weekends at 1, 2 even 3 a.m. My dad is a light sleeper, and he gets up at 4:30 to get ready for work. I felt really bad about staying out late, even though it wasn’t my fault.

I still have a great relationship with my parents. I still have dinner with them almost every night. We don’t go to church together, but that was like that before I moved out. We’re just scheduled to serve at different liturgies. The nice bonus I have is that Dad and I have some Daddy-Daughter time when we’re working on my yard or fixing up the house. Mom and I spend time shopping for curtains, or cleaning my house for a party.

It’s nice to have a place of your own, but only if you are ready to spend the night by yourself. Although, I do admit to spending the night at my parents’ house in times of illness or great stress.

Pray about it. Moving out is definitely a good thing, but only in God’s time. Ask his for guidance as to when is your “Right time”.


#8

Then you should. You’re an adult now, and it’s time to set up your own household, independently of your parents. :slight_smile:

What are the benefits of moving out on my own?

That you become fully formed as an adult.

I’m wondering what kind of girlfriend they are referring to -

One who is interested in having a serious relationship with an adult man - not a boy who just looks like a man.


#9

I think you’re making a lot of assumptions about why people choose to live on their own or why women would prefer to date a future spouse who lives on his own, and your assumptions are far from charitable.

If you’re going to remain living with your parents (and I don’t see anything wrong with that as long as you’re not trying to avoid adult responsibilities), this would be a prime chance to save up for a house. Then when people ask you why you’re still with your parents, your answer is that you’re saving up for your own place. It is a responsible and adult answer with no further explanation needed.


#10

You are young enough that living with your parents isn’t a big deal. If you were going to college and were staying with them to save money, no one would think twice.

Any girlfriend worth having won’t care either. Living at home will only be beneficial in the early stages of a relationship because you will know soon enough if she only wants sex with you. (So much for the old comments about guys only wanting sex. Now days girls are just as bold).

Being at home will help you stay on the right moral path. You will have built in chaperones!

There is nothing wrong with staying with your parents until you marry and move to your own home. You can use this time to save up for a down payment on a house for your own family.

You sound like a smart, decent young man.

Don’t let “society” dictate how you live your life.


#11

If you help pay the bill, wash some dishes, look after yourself, do laundry, and with what you are doing now, stay with your parents. :wink:


#12

if you have a healthy and loving relationship, i say stay. stay for as long as you can until you marry. learning responsibility and all that is great, but not necessary if you have a household and life built on God. you would already be learning that and will have God helping you when and if you finally marry. it’s like “testing the waters” with a girl - unnecessary.

the only reason i would move out is if i didn’t have a good relationship with my family/parents. the time and space apart can really work wonders. it’s the common effect of highschoolers who move away for college and come home to visit. it helps teach respect and appreciation on both sides.


#13

I really don’t think your question is a moral one.

It’s more a question of prudence, and so up to you to decide. I certainly think that doing something just because your co-workers are giving you grief is a bad idea.

I must say too, when I first got my own apartment, “sexual freedom” didn’t even cross my mind!!* I was about to take on my first full-time teaching job and knew I could not get the space and quiet I needed to work while living at home.
*(Nor has it since! The vicissitudes of sharing a kitchen sure have, though. :D)

Living on my own has been beneficial to me. One tends to grow in discipline and ability to handle responsibility when one has to rely a bit more on oneself. I find it’s easier, even when living with roommates to occasionally forget/backslide on things (cleaning, bills, whatever) because there’s someone else there to pick up the slack.

And living on my own has taught me a great deal about good financial practices. (Not that I was irresponsible when I lived at home, but it’s taught me that I can pay things back- student loan, credit line etc. and also how to shop for good deals in terms of service contracts, credit cards, etc. that I wouldn’t have had much opportunity for at home.)

It’s all very well to say, as a previous poster has, that you can learn responsibility once married, but I’m grateful I’ve had the chance to practice some of these things - which I think would be overwhelming to try and tackle for the first time, when dealing with all the other changes married life brings.


#14

Like Paul, I would have trouble with my girls marrying somebody who had not lived on his own or with a male roomie for a while- without Mom’s home cooking and laundry service. There are things you need to do learn to do for yourself. Yes, Mom and Dad run a comfortable hostelry. You don’t want to be dependent on them for the rest of your life. Living on your own is an indicator that you are ready to handle something more than a casual relationship- and I am not talking about sex. I am talking about a wife. Girlfriends become wives, eventually, if everything works out and you find yourselves compatible and called to each other.

So, how about this? Sit down with yourself and decide when you will be ready. $3,000 in the bank? $5,000? When you reach the magic number, MOVE. It is a goal. In the interim, tell everybody at work you are saving to move.


#15

You are 22 years old, working etc. Time to grow up and get a dose of the real world. What you learn and experience in this stage of your life, will help you become a better husband and father later on. Right now your personal identity is still in the shade of your parents.


#16

If you are getting along well with your parents I’d say stay. Just be responsible with your money - save for retirement , get out (if you are in debt )and stay out of debt, save toward big ticket items and contribute toward the the household - might be rent, work around the house, groceries etc.

You can get life experience in many ways. Do your own banking , cook some meals for the family, volunteer etc.

One of the reason for the high cost of housing is probably because so many single people live along . Perhaps you could find an living arrangement like sharing a house with some other young men. Admittedly it is difficult these days to find others with similiar values.

My 22 year old son moved out last July( after graduating college) because the commute to his job was very long and costly. He has managed to keep the cost of housing down by living with some of his Fraternity brothers. He is doing what I recommended saving for retirement, paying off his school loans quickly etc.He pays less than $1200/month in bills. Extremely low for this area. I think we would have gotten along fine if he lived here instead but that’s just the way it worked out. His GF on the other hand lives in a very nice apartment by herself and pays over $2000 in expenses.


#17

sorry but i still think God is the most important aspect in a relationship (as cliche as it sounds). you don’t need experience, you don’t need to “test the waters”, you don’t need to “take a test drive”, all you need is God. if you are financially, emotionally, and spiritually stable, and you know you could move out if you wanted to, there’s no need to prove it to anyone. take advantage and milk em for as long as you can! j/k.

imagine a couple, each growing up with strong, Catholic families. they both finish school, work, and live at home with their parents until their mid 20’s. they meet and court. they are engaged and plan their future life together, with a house ready to go. on their wedding day, they move in and live with God at their center.

God says we must be like a bird that must leave the nest to marry, He doesn’t say we gotta go out and live it first. i think it’s a traditional American custom that is over emphasized for reasons not related to God and therefore not necessary…


#18

I have been personally having a terrible time figuring this one out. I am almost 23 and I still live at home. I am still working on my bachelor’s degree and hope to start a Master’s degree next January. It doesn’t make much sense to go into more debt because I want to live on my own. I also think my relationships with my family would suffer.

I really like living with family and as long as I am paying some kind of rent, I hope to live with my family until I marry. If for some reason I wasn’t married by my late 20s and I had saved enough for a downpayment on a house I would move out. I really hope to learn how to live on my own with my husband. I would really enjoy having all those firsts with my husband and it also gives me some security.

In society today, we think we need to be independent and I will say that some of my generation feels like “mooching” off their parents and staying longer than their welcome is just fine, that is what parents are for. That is not my view and will never be my view. I respect my Mom and she respects me. That being said, she wants what is best for me and I want what is best for me as well but not so that it harms her. The moving out at 18 was something of another age… it is unnecessary and unless one joins a trade and sacrifices post-secondary education, one is signing up for large debt. As long as parents can respect their children as adults while they are living at home then the logistics of worrying about home repairs and rent will come soon enough. Also saving for a family is important, it is responsible. As for the sexual freedom, what do you need that temptation for. If you believe you will not be able to curve temptation when you are living by yourself, then you need to do some prayer and learn why the “law” is there. The Catholic Church knows what they are talking about when it comes to this. If parents or where you are living is the only thing that is stopping you… good, but I would say before you move out, learn more about that teaching so you can embrace it when living on your own.

Hope this helps.


#19

As you have evidently noticed, it’s a tough call. I agree with the others that it’s not so much a moral problem as a practical one.

Personally, I’m all for moving out, as long as you’re financially capable of doing so. You learn independence and responsibility. As a woman, I don’t like the idea of dating someone who still lives at home (I’m 27, though) because I’d be worried that he’d be looking for a mother-figure in a wife. On the other hand, if he’d been living alone for years and years, there’s the worry that he won’t react well to having to share his space when he gets married.

As for the getting along with the parents side of things, it’s wonderful that you get along with them while you’re living with them. Do you think your relationship would become weaker or stronger if you leave home? I love my parents and have a wonderful relationship with them, which has blossomed and developed into a more adult relationship as I’ve become more independent. (But then, I’m blessed to have great parents. Sounds like you are, too.)

The financial side of things is important too. Don’t move out if it’s going to break the bank. If you’re still studying, it’s perfectly reasonable to live with your parents. If you can live alone and still put money aside every month, it sounds like you’re ready.


#20

good point. colleges nowadays are like lions dens, devouring our youth with debt (credit cards galore), sex, drugs, and immorality. the last thing they convey is a sense of God. to send out an 18 year old into the world so unprepared as most of us are (without a strong faith), is suicide… i’d much rather not let Darwin decide the fate of our children!

as weak a faith as America has, it would make more sense to extend their stay, rather than boot them out at the “adult” age of 18!


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