Must make decision quick...need your advice, please!


#1

I was talking with my online friend last night and he told me he was spending 4th of July weekend with his parents/family. I said oh that’s great etc., then he paused a bit and said he would love for me to come out there on that weekend:eek:. Needless to say, I was caught off guard and surprised. I didn’t know what to say since we haven’t met yet and he actually wants me to meet his parents/family.

I think I may have made him feel bad because I sounded so shocked:o and said “what…are you sure” what a horrible thing to say…I’m a dope!!! He then apologized for asking and said he didn’t mean to make me uncomfortable and that he realized it was short notice and that I might not be ready to be around his family.

What do you guys think? Did I overreact or should I consider going? After some time of thinking about it I thought it might be a good idea to meet his family even if it was our first time meeting. It could be a quick way of figuring out if I should continue correspondence with him, I’ll be able to see him among his family and friends…it’ll be real hard for him not to be who he really is…for the most part anyway.

Tell me what you think…good idea, bad idea…go for it…stay home, make him visit you first, etc. Quick responses would be appreciated since the 4th is coming up real fast:D!!!


#2

Well he can’t be that bad a guy if he’s so keen for you to meet his family! It would seem he has nothing to hide!
My mother used to say, see how he treats his mother and you’ll see how he’ll treat you!

Happy 4th of July!


#3

Hey Lexee15,
This one is tough, but if it were me, I would have to say wait till after meeting him, just the two of you. Meeting the family usually means this is a serious relationship and we are discerning marriage. Now if this was the best opportunity to meet him, then maybe this is the route to go.
Meeting someone the first time, best to choose public neutral ground. Not saying this guy is lying about who he is, but safety first I tell my family. Hope that helps.
LittleOne1:)


#4

While he seems to sound sweet, you don’t even know if you will want to have a relationship with someone you have never met…and meeting one’s parents…while it could be harmless, and there will be a big group there, I don’t think I’d meet parents as a first date, so to speak. Just my two cents…too early to be meeting parents, when you haven’t even cultivated a ‘live’ relationship with him, yet, yourself. :twocents:

It sounds tempting, but I’d hold off until I had more of a relationship with him.:o


#5

I apologize ahead of time for my ignorance, but seeing your other thread about a soon-to-be-ex husband, I can’t help but think why you would be dating if you’re not yet divorced, assuming you’re not divorced/annulled yet…


#6

I hadn’t thought of that…


#7

Ok, someone pm’d me about this and their concern, this was my reply. I decided to paste it here so that it can clear up any misunderstandings that may arise about my situation.

*Thank you so much for your concern, I realize how it must look. The details are these, I received a Decree of Nullity in November of 2007, we’ve been separated since December 27, 2005 and I filed for divorce in January of 2006. It looks like we are finally getting this thing finalized within the next couple of weeks…thank God.

This divorce has dragged on for several reasons, mostly his fault. During the time we’ve been separated there has never been an inkling of reconciliation on my part, did I mention that he has two kids with one of his mistress’ all while we’ve been “married”.

This is all paperwork and a mere formality to end the marriage “legally”, in the eyes of the Church it never existed, my son only lived with his dad until he was 8 months old and since then only sees him, maybe, twice a month and I’ve given myself almost 3 years before I even contemplated opening myself up for another relationship.

As you can see I haven’t been called out on the carpet about still being “married” and meeting new people online, that’s because many here on CAF have been following my story since it started so they’ve had an opportunity to read all about what’s happened.

I do appreciate your message and your concern, I hope this clears things up a bit about my situation.*


#8

:mad: And don’t forget that your ex lied to the Church, which was why you received a Decree of Nullity first…

:slight_smile: …I think this is not a great idea, though, the meeting him at his parents’ during a 4th of July party. Yes, it’s public, but that’s a lot to put on a first face-to-face.


#9

Yes…he sure did lie:mad:!!!

I find the responses on here very interesting, because if I were to follow the guidelines set on AMS this would be the perfect time to meet him.

AMS says we should NEVER be alone, that all meetings should be around family and friends and if possible the the visits should be every couple of weeks alternating those visits between the two people if travel is required and affordable. So it’s interesting to see that everyone thinks it would be a bad idea to be around his family right away:ehh: :hmmm:, exactly the opposite of what the site says would be prudent.

Any idea why AMS would have this guideline if it seems everyone thinks it’s a bad idea?


#10

You know him better than us on here and dont forget you dont get any younger…
I would say take the chance!! Who knows it might turn out pretty good all round but if it dont then you need never see him again…
:slight_smile:

:knight1:


#11

Thanks for clearing things up. In your case, I would be cautious of meeting family the first time around. In today’s day and age, meeting family first time is usually unheard of. I would probably feel a bit uncomfortable in that situation. But if you feel OK about it, I’d say go for it…

Keep in mind it is probably his entire family picnic, and if you’re not already dating, it could be awkward question time…


#12

Lexee - Even though you have received your annulment and have been separated from your husband for a good while, I would still question whether you are truly ready to be dating again. Having just finished a divorce myself, I can tell you that even though you may feel like every thing is over and done, there will still be feelings and emotions to work through when the divorce decree is made. I would recommend that you get past that point, give yourself some healing time from this last event, and then move forward toward a new relationship. Look at it this way, if you want a good and wholesome relationship with someone else, you, yourself need to be completely cleansed of this relationship with your husband. I know I would want to be that for any potential spouse candidate and I would hope he would want that of me. I would also ask you to consider that this gentleman, who has invited you to the July 4th party, is rushing things a bit by introducing you to the parents. It could be that IN HIS MIND this relationship is at a different level than it is in reality. Otherwise, why would he take someone he’s never physically met to see his parents. This would be a bit of a red flag for me. Please be careful.

Annie (who just divorced the man that she met online and who turned out to be someone completely different from the online persona and man she dated)


#13

Perfectly stated–I agree 100% with this post.


#14

In the eyes of the Church you are free to date and marry so I would say go.

Someone said, see how he treats his mother, I use to tell girls that in HS and they never listened. Later in life I laughed when some looked me up just to tell me I was right.

I think it would be the perfect time, if it doesn’t work out, you will know quickly and can move on.

Joe


#15

RE: Meeting his family too soon-

1.) It is going to be enough of a stressor to meet HIM and see if you want to continue seeing him. Meeting his family is MORE people; more people, more stress.
2.) Meeting his family is MORE opinions about you. He needs to make up his own mind, first. It’s like involving kids in the relationship too soon. If they don’t like you, they are going to let him know. If they like you, and it doesn’t work out, they aren’t going to be happy either.

AMS is right about never being alone, as in a room together with aboslutely nobody else. But in my opnion they are wrong about having family tagging after, until you know each other better.


#16

*MY *take on the family and friends thing… If would make more sense to have *YOUR *family and friends around and have it be on turf that is in *YOUR *general area when you first meet. Call me old fashioned but I think it’s better if the woman has as much, if not more, control over the whole situation than the man does.

And what with everything else going on in your life right now I think you need more backup than you realize.


#17

I don’t see the problem with it at all. :shrug: You’ll be meeting him around other people (a must for seeing someone you met online), and you’ll see him around his family, a GREAT indicator of how he would really behave around someone he knew well. Those are two positives, too me. Others have mentioned that it might mean he thinks the relationship is on a deeper level than what you think, but I doubt it. If you’re not sure, ask him about it, clear it up. :stuck_out_tongue: Honesty is the best policy, ESPECIALLY when it comes to relationships.

As for the whole divorce thing, if it’s been in the process for 3 years… I’d say you’re probably over it by now. Of course, only you can know, and I don’t have any experience in the area… but that’s just my impression.


#18

Lexee - Thank you for explaining to those of us that have not been on here long enough to know your situation. Otherwise you would have received that same response from me as you did from some others.
My only thought, comes from being a single mother for 18 years. Have you thought out about how you plan on dating where your son is concerned??? Not that you have to share with us your plan, although I do highly suggest that you have one. When you plan on introducing your son to the person you are dating. What you will do if your son has a negative response. What age will your son be when/if you consider marriage?
You can’t plan for every phase, although, I do feel that when I was a single parent I had to set some guidelines for myself when it came to dating. These were also to protect my son from having men coming in and out of his life. The hardest decision for me was when he reached about 12yo, I realized that it would not be good for me or him for me to consider dating or marriage until he was 18. It was a VERY tough decision, being that I had never been married. It is a decision that even looking back now that I am married, I realize was a wise (yet still difficult) decision. I am not saying everyone that is a single parent needs to make the same decision that I did. Although, there are many tough decisions you will have to make that you simply won’t like!!!


#19

Find a girlfriend to go along and have a great time.

Meeting family first USED to be normal. Back then, marriage was serious and lasted.

Now, this whole - do not meet his family intil at least the 7.58th date idea and marriage has a 50 % chance of tanking :shrug:

Meet the guy, take along a friend so you will know SOMEONE.


#20

Hmm…Sounds like a recipe for a really uncomfortable situation. You call him a “friend,” but is that all there is? Are you ready to start dating again?

Personally, if I was approaching the tail end of an ugly divorce, I’d probably stay home, work on a bottle of gin, and celebrate our independence by blowing stuff up. But that’s just me.

In all seriousness, don’t go if you feel compelled to.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.