Hi, I have struggled with pornography since I was of a young age, below the age of 10. I am now an 18 year old and am absolutely sickened with myself every time I give into the temptation of pornography and being impure with myself. I have wanted to quit for many years and have never been able to. I believe the longest I was able to stop was for about two months (I did it for a girl I liked).
At the time when I was little I knew something was wrong every time I viewed pornography and was being impure with myself. I knew it was something I should not be doing, but I kept on doing it. Later on in life I had learned what it exactly it was that I was doing, which was watching pornography and being impure.
I have gone to confession a numerous amount of times to confess what I have done, but then I would cave into temptation again. I feel like I have failed God and my family. I am a Catholic who wishes to grow closer to his faith, but how can I do so if I can not put an end to this addiction?
I feel as if I have betrayed God and my family over and over again when I commit these sins. I feel like I have taken advantage of Gods mercy because after I commit these sins I pray for forgiveness, then afterwards the same thought would come to my head “God will always forgive me”, almost as if I found a “loop hole” saying “I can keep watching porn and be impure all I want, God will forgive me”. That is not how I want to think, I want to be closer to God and I want to quit this addiction for good.
When I think about my future I want to have a wife with kids, but how can I be a loving father and husband if I continue on with this addiction? I don’t want a wife for the pleasures of sex. I want a wife as a life long companion, who will always be there for me and I the same. Someone who I can start a family with. When I think about sex, I realize I don’t want sex or crave it, so then why do I continue committing these heinous acts?
I have had much time to reflect as to why I continue to watch pornography. I believe the main reasons are: Boredom and Loneliness. I was able to stop for two weeks, but caved in 3 days ago. My mother told me she was going to be gone for most of the day (the following day). A thought had entered my head thinking “but I don’t want to be alone for a day” So as I sat in the living room by myself (so my mother could rest for her big day) I began to surf the web, slowly tempting myself into watching pornography, then it happened, I caved. I caved again today, alone in the house.
Sometimes I feel as if I am destined to go to hell, I just want to give up and feel like I’m dying inside ( I don’t like thinking like this), but I know better, I know I need to fight this addiction. I pray to God that he may lend me his strength and forgive me. I have talked to my mother about my addiction a few times. Every time I break into tears, She always tells me: Nobody is perfect, We all have our struggles, You were just curious, God knows who you are and He forgives He will always be there, He will judge you for the good you have done in this world. I understand God is forgiving, merciful, and ever loving, but sometimes I wonder how can God forgive/love me, after all the hurt I’ve done physically and spiritually? I feel unworthy.I love God and always will and I wish not to feel this way (feel about the unworthy part, which in turn makes me feel worse).
I don’t know what to do anymore. To add on my deepest fear is that I won’t be able to enter the gates of heaven, due to this addiction. I want to go heaven so I may worship and be with God and my family( Life without them just isn’t living at all, they are why I still keep living/going). The thought of going to hell breaks my heart and puts me into tears every time I think about it. Every time I pray to God about my addiction I always break into tears. At this point in my life I don’t know what to do anymore, I pray and will be going to Confession this week. I understand we all make mistakes and that perhaps this is my crucible (one of many). But I have made so many sins in my youth, some habits I have been able to conquer and break free. Others like being impure and addicted to pornography I haven’t, yet. Not only do I feel as if I am ungrateful for the life I have been given (which makes me feel even worse), but that I am also hurting God and my family. Please help :(.
Thank you for taking time to read this letter.