My best friend and her bf are moving in together


#1

My friend and I spoke on the phone today and she told me that she and her boyfried were finally going to take the next step. I was ecstatic, I thought she meant he finally decided to propose to her. They’ve been together for 5 yrs and he had told my dh that he (my dh) was dumb for having gotten married at 22.

My friend always felt bad that this guy never seemed serious about their relationship. So… she tells me that the next step is actually that they are moving in together :frowning: She said her mom had a talk with him and after that talk, he asked her to move in with him and “try” things out to see if they’d tolerate each other before marriage. She said to me that she didn’t want to be one of those couples who decided to get married really quickly and regret it later because they don’t know how they’d react to problems when living together and discovering each other’s faults.

The problem is that she is Catholic. He used to be Catholic but a few yrs ago, he and his entire family converted to Buddhism. I mention this because he opposes to having a Catholic wedding… Another thing is that they’ve been having sex the entire 5 yrs of their relationship and she’s using an UID. So… all that aside…

I felt horrible when she told me this. I wanted to tell her not to do it, but then, I don’t want to intrude and get in her life. But she’s my best friend! She was more “religious” than me and still somewhat is. Not in the following the RCC’s laws but in having faith in God. She shows it more than me. When I lost my baby, she was one of the few telling me how my baby’s life had been planned before I even knew about him, and that God took him Home because his mission on earth was fulfilled, that I had a little angel in Heaven and many more things… she always talks about God, but I know if you don’t live the life God wants you to, then why even have that “faith”?

I don’t know if I should tell her not to take this step. We had talked about this several times when she’d complain to me about how her bf wouldn’t commit… we have spoken more than 5 times about how cohabitation ruins marriages and she agreed… but today she was so happy and excited… Then, on the other hand I feel guilty for not reminding her about those talks we’ve had. Should I try and talk to her or should I just not get in her business?

Sorry this was long…


#2

She talked to you about this, and she is your best friend. As a best friend, you must at least let her know what they are about to do is wrong. It causes scandal and the worst thing could happen is they share the same bed and what else could happen.

You are not only her best friend, you are her sister in Christ. Please pray for her and get some good information on what the Church is teaching regarding co-habitants to share with her. But pray to the Holy Spirit to guide you and open her heart to listen to what you will have to say before you approach her though


#3

Greetings yessisan!

I can sympathize with your situation. But aren’t your friends simply following the teaching of the world? In the eyes of the world they are doing the right thing - testing the waters before taking the plunge of Marriage. Having sex while dating? Again - isn’t this normal? After all how do you know that you’ll have a great sex life with a life long partner if you don’t try it before that Plunge?

I’ve been there and did that. My GF and I also co-habitated and used BC before getting married and thought nothing of it in our made up world of cafeteria catholicism. We are now married (15 yrs), but now are striving to live our faith fully and in full conformity with Church teaching.

Pray for your friend. Tell her once that you are disappointed at her decision - then drop it. Love her and be an example to her of faithful Christianity. After all, God works miracles every day with people who fell off the deep end. It may take many, many years, but he always comes through.

I should know - I’ve been there and done that.

Sincerely in Christ,
Corrgc


#4

Tell her how you feel and then step back.
Kathy


#5

That’s what I had to do with all my kids. I spoke my piece then shut up – and prayed. Still waiting for an answer to my prayers.


#6

Why would he commit when he has already got her … he will take her sex and probably her cooking and cleaning without her HAVING ENOUGH SELF RESPECT TO DEMAND COMMITMENT.
The question is, do you believe in hell? If you do, and you dont tell your friend that she has to start living according to the Gospel then she will have much bigger problems to deal with than a girlfriend that wont get off her case.

Yessisan… please… the whole world will tell you to close your eyes and say a little prayer and think: my friend will probably be okay both in this world and in the next, without my uncomfortable intrusion …
But if it were you, living like that, would you not hope someone would tell you that things had to change?

Dont think its a job for the church or the priest… NO, you do it … the Bible tells you clearly that if you love a brother or sister then you will correct them if they live in sin.

Test you self, Yessisan… why wont you tell her? Is it to spare your self… or is it because you love her… and with which love?

I have had two friends that I had to tell. The one of them did not have any self respect … and she was clearly being taken advantage of by the man and the spirit of the times. I told her with love and compassion about the true love she was made for in a sacramental marriage with a man who would respect her. My words went deep into her… she said I was right and she resolved to break up with this guy whom she really did not love but was just with still because she needed somebody and probably did not believe that anyone else would want her.

Another one told me she would go live with her boyfriend. I was awake at night with Jesus in my ear going on about how I was His mouth and if I did not tell her no one else would… and so I wrote a letter to her… there was still time to change her mind. But she heartened her heart against the command of Jesus to love in a pure and holy way. She was beautiful and smart… but she had lost faith in the Gospel and in the Cross …
Since then we have not been the same, me and her, but I have peace because I know I did the right thing.

:frowning:


#7

“Pray for your friend. Tell her once that you are disappointed at her decision - then drop it. Love her and be an example to her of faithful Christianity. After all, God works miracles every day with people who fell off the deep end. It may take many, many years, but he always comes through.
I should know - I’ve been there and done that.”

  • Corrgc

And what if her life is demanded of her in a week or in a month?
What if the Lord comes tomorrow?
Actually there are people who die in sin every day because everyone else thought they were fine.
This certainly should not be the theory of the Church.

You know what? I have been there too, living in sin, and I wish more of my Christian friends had been there to remind me: “Grace… you love Jesus… dont give up on your self”.

I say the same to Yessisan… you know your friend is messing up her relationship with God big time day by day … month after months that goes by like this. The Bible tells us that when we indulge in sin we become more and more darkened… our conscience becomes blurred and therefore we become prone to sin even more… its a vicious circle…
Oh how I wish the Church would have more courage to stand up for each lamb in the flock…


#8

Hi Yessi,

A few years I had a similar conversation with a priest about someone I was close to who was going away with her boyfriend.

He told me to be careful with what I said, because if I were to go and chastise her, she could feel like I was judging her, and break ties with me. Then what good could I do? What you can do, is let her know that it is sinful to live with him, also sinful to be intimate with him. And then pray for her, and pray some more.

You can also take this on a secular note, “Well, why would he marry you now if you are acting married. There is no incentive, he gets what he wants out of the relationship…but what do you get?” Something like that.

Also, do you feel that she is attached to him because of the sex? That is they weren’t being intimate, she would have not stayed with him so long? I don’t know…:shrug:

I sort of feel she is settling because she’s been intimate with him, and then that makes it harder to leave, so whatever he offers her…she is willing to take.

Let her know that she deserves a man that will want her forever and not to try to see if it works. Five years is a long time to figure a person out.

Sorry for rambling…

Good luck.


#9

Well said… all around!
These are great ideas on how to get the point across without sounding judgmental… I totally agree!


#10

Yessi, just wanted to let you know I’m in a similar situation, only it’s my sister, and I don’t know if she’s having sex with her bf yet or not… It makes me sick just thinking about it. I’m reading this thread as well to get some ideas… I just feel really, really angry, because I would love nothing more than to be living with my current bf, except as his wife, but we’re taking the time to do things right, finish school and get married, but she’s just reaping all the benefits without taking on the responsibilities… I know she’s going to fall on her face, and then I’ll get to tell her ‘I told you so’ because I HAVE talked to her about premarital sex, as well as living with people before you’re married, but she went off and listened to the secular world… :mad: I refuse to go visit her at her ‘new place’, too.

I agree with previous posters. Your friend is giving her bf ZERO incentive to marry her. He gets sex from her, and now all the benefits of having a wife in the house without having to marry her. Why should he marry her?

I’ll pray for you friend if you pray for my sister, okay? Sounds like they both need it.


#11

Well, they have been having sex for five years. * Moving into the same residence only involves a change of venue, not an increased level of commitment. The boyfriend now has even less reason to formalize any commitment to her, since he has all the benefits and none of the responsibilities, of marriage. So yes, I think you should explain to her why this is wrong, even on a worldly level. But it may be like trying to argue against the wind.*


#12

yessisan,

I think you need to speak with your friend and tell her what you are feeling. While it may be a difficult experience, a true friendship – where both parties can be honest with one another and stand up for what they believe in – can survive this.

My brother moved in with his girlfriend several years ago. We spoke about it at the time, and I made my views clear to him. I certainly don’t mention this topic every time I talk with him, but it has come up since. Also, I am careful not to give them joint gifts for their home or do other things that would imply that I approve of their living situation.

The last time we spoke about this was last Christmas when he and his girlfriend wanted to have a family gathering in their apartment. I believed that going would show approval for their arrangement, so I told my brother that I could not go. He was, understandably, upset, but the situation afforded an opportunity to speak again about the problem with their living situation. He seemed frustrated that I haven’t decided that the fact that they are “in love” should override my concerns. Apparently, he needed to hear about it again to know that my concerns are still present.

Frankly, I see my brother headed down a very dangerous path. His girlfriend is manipulative – she gets what she wants and they always do what she wants to do. I think they will get married, bring children into the relationship but ultimately end up divorcing unless something changes. It is very, very sad, and it is my obligation to speak up about it for his sake.

I too am concerned for your friend. It sounds like her boyfriend insults her best friend’s husband, opposes raising their children Catholic and is having sex outside of marriage with her. Seriously, cohabitation is only one small part of the problem, which ultimately amounts to the fact that this man she hopes to marry someday is not interested in helping her get to heaven. Is there any chance at all you can address with her what her priorities should be in order to have a strong marriage and family?

God bless you. I will send up some prayers.


#13

Pumpkinbeast,

I know you are angry, and I understand why it may SEEM like your sister is reaping the benefits, but she is most certainly not. Trying to enjoy the benefits of marriage without the marriage part always leads to heartache. It is not healthy for her or her relationship.

Perhaps, in your anger you said something you did not mean to – “I’ll get to tell her ‘I told you so.’” Your sister will face the consequences of her actions at some point, and I hope that then you will be able to love her through that pain and help her to learn from the experience.

God bless you.


#14

I know. It’s the seeming part that’s getting to me right now.

No, I won’t actually tell her that, because then she would deliberately set about proving me wrong and get herself into some other mess. I won’t be able to help her do anything that she doesn’t want to do, though. So if she doesn’t want to learn, she won’t, and there won’t be one sweet thing I can do to change that. I’ll pray, but that’s all I can do. Period. She’s the kind of person who refuses to learn in any other way other than bashing herself against the unforgiving rocks of life, and then dealing with the consequences. The best thing I can do to help her is to not help her, if that makes sense. If any of the consequences are shielded from her, she won’t learn.

I seem to be derailing the thread, sorry Yessi. I hope your friend is less stubborn than my sister.


#15

Thank you all for your responses! I think I will talk to her but the only bad thing is that she is ALWAYS with him. They work together so they commute together. Maybe I’ll have to invite her to Starbucks to have a girls night or something.

PB, my sister (she’s 3 yrs older than me) is in the same exact situation, except for that she began dating this man when he was still married. Now he’s divorced but she’s basically living with him at his apt even though she has her own apt. So, don’t worry, you’re not derailing the thread but my sister is another story… btw, I will pray for your sister…

I think I will bring up to my friend the fact that this guy had just told her last month he was going to move to Texas and had decided this w/o her consideration. She’s cried to me so many times about him cheating in the past, how he doesn’t commit, how he doesn’t want to get married, how he doesn’t want a Catholic wedding, how he hurts her so much and puts his family first (he even broke up with her because his parents told him to since they have money and my friend doesn’t. They told him she was not of their social class so maybe she was just after their money :mad: )… and many more things…

I think I’m going to remind her about the Texas thing, about all those other times he has shown he’s not commited to her and hasn’t respected her as his girlfriend. Gosh, once they broke up for 2 months and she lost sooooo much weight… this guy is toxic but she lets him step over her time after time. Sorry, I’m just rambling on. I hope she has time one of these days to go have some coffee with me.


#16

I’ve had people tell me about moving intogether. They always seem to expect a congratulations. I just start the “why not marriage?” conversation.

Hey, we’re moving in together!

Oh, why aren’t you getting married?

Eh, we can’t afford it.

Can’t afford what?

Um, kids.

So what happens when your ABC fails?

…silence…


#17

If this is a good friend, the conversation with me would have gone…

"Look, before we go down this world any further, you do KNOW that I am still a practicing Catholic, right? That would mean that you KNOW how I am going to advise you - right?

That being said - know that I love you and will be here for you, but, I cannot condone or celebrate the choices you are making, and here is why"…


#18

I’d also direct her to some secular research on the subject…

marriage.rutgers.edu

Starting with this publication…

marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/pubmyths%20of%20marriage.htm


#19

Wow this guy really seems like a user. The first post was bad enough, where you said she always felt bad because he was never serious about the relationship. Then the next time you posted about him and the move to Texas and all that - WOW! She not only needs to not move in with him, they need to break up!

But one thing at a time! I feel so bad for you and for your friend. In some way can you ask her how much time she wants to waste, (but maybe a more charitable word can be used, like “spend”) on this guy, trying to get his attention? It’s just so sad.

My sister had to have a talk with a friend of hers when the friend was going to jump into a bad marriage. The friend kept going on and on about bridesmaid dresses, flowers, everything except for the marriage. Finally my sister just said “Stop…” and continued to tell the friend that she couldn’t go on pretending this was a good idea… they talked on the phone for an hour or two… both crying… the wedding was called off within the week. Maybe this will happen for you!


#20

This is terrible! She obviously does not respect herself enough to think she deserves to be treated better. How sad, because she will realise it many years down the track when they are married and have a couple of children.
I wish someone had told me about all this… who knows, I may have listened.
I think it comes from a lack of seeing functional marriages and relationships. She is not happy but will not move on. Why?
The fear of being alone, the fear of the pain of missing someone, the thoughts that they may never find anyone else, low self esteem.
What a mistake to move in with him!
I would talk to her, say what you are thinking with compassion and love. Hopefully she will listen, but most probably won’t. I would not visit her at their house (and tell her that you are unable to visit as this is seen as condoning their arrangement)
But as bad as it is, it may be just what it takes to get her free from this man!
She will see the real him, his habits and the lack of respect he has for her. She will eventually be heartbroken (it seems inevitable with what you have said about him) and you will be there for her to pick up the pieces and lead her back to God.
This kind of thing is always difficult.


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