Some have told me I’m scrupulous. SOme have told me I’m just obsessive. I’m not sure which. I know I have a bigt problem with trust, with letting go and letting God, you could say. For about 8 to nine months I’ve been cycleing through a different obsession/scruple every few weeks to a month. Sometimes it’s wondering about sins in my past, sometimes I worry about my past-times and things I enjoy being sinful, or me leading others to sin.
I;ve been known to bounce from this person to this person to this priest to this person, asking questions, to “be sure”, SO terrified that if I fought against my doubts and said “no, you don’t need to reword this and ask again, just ignore it and take the answer you’ve come to!” I would be guilty of willful ignorance.
Then over the past few days, I started to take a major step. I RESISTED. I felt tempted to find another to ask questions from and then I realized, No, Kayla. That isn’t going to make you feel better! 3 very devout people have told you this wasn’t a sin, 5 told you THIS wasn’t a sin, you mentioned this one in passing to your priest and he said you were being a worrywart, almost 12 people told you this other issue wasn’t a sin…
So i didn’t ask again. I resisted. I knew another answer wouldn’t make me feel better. I knew I’d find another way to twist words, to wonder if they even really read my question, etc.
I use to wonder, If I asked, and everyone says no, and I still feel bad, that must mean it is a sin and I’m in denial. ANd while that can happen, I’ve learned that our feelings sometimes, often even, don’t align with the truth.
I’ve realized I don’t need to be perfect. That yeah, maybe I did stumble over my words talking to a priest, maybe I didn’t give every detail, but I gave all details I thought at the time to be important, and I prayed that Jesus would let him give me the best answer.
I like this part of the catechism, that says to solve doubts, we are guided by knowledge, the holy spirit, and the advice of competent people. I need to remember that. I need to remember God isn’t playing “Gotcha”. If I try, if I seek an answer, I am not in willful ignorance. Yes, there’s always the chance we could be wrong, but if i try, if I really trye, can I be held truly to blame for a mistake?
I’ve also come to realize that by seeking advice, we aren’t looking for someone to solve our problems for us. I use to get distressed if many people assured me somethign wasn’t a sin, and then one person told me it was. I worried I would be guilty for not following their advice. But advice isn’t always about just letting someone else answer your problems in life. You take the advice you’re given and, if it’s an area you use discernment, you use that advice to help form your conscience! There can even be good nuggets in bad advice!
Obsessions are hard. I still feel like I’ve made the “wrong” choice sometimes, even if knowledge and reason tell me otherwise. But this was a big step for me