My boyfriend is being sexually harassed by a gay "Catholic"

Before I begin, I must explain that my boyfriend and I are Catholic, but he goes to a public high school and I have the inkling that he doesn’t know as much about Catholicism, especially Catholic sexual ethics, as I do. He does think people should be married before sex but I don’t know how he reconciles this with his apparent approval of homosexual behavior (we had a short conversation about it many months ago, closer to the time we had first met, and I cited the Catechism but he got upset and wanted to change the subject. So it hasn’t been brought up again, but I hope to discuss it further, especially since it may be a learning experience).

He has told me a few times that his “homosexual friend” (yes, this is how he always refers to this friend, which I find deplorable, as if the human person can be narrowed down and defined with such a label), who is also a self-proclaimed Catholic, keeps pressuring him to do sexual things with him. He finds it flattering, but has not done it because he “doesn’t really want to.”

This infuriates me on multiple levels.
One, that a professedly Catholic young man is EXTREMELY openly gay, to the point that he appears to be sexually obsessed (I have seen his statuses on Facebook; I’m not friends with him, but my boyfriend is, and he often “likes” his updates); he is a very popular kid and it’s worrying me that he is causing a great scandal. I’m not trying to throw stones or anything, but I’m very CONCERNED.
Two, that he would keep pressuring another Catholic into sin. It’s not even like he’s “in love” with my boyfriend, he is just “very attracted” to him!!
Three, that my boyfriend would find this flattering! That’s not flattering, that’s insulting and sexual harassment!!!
Four, that he would think this sort of thing would be okay! Even though he’s with me! And his only apparent reason for not doing it is not “wanting” to!

Now I apologize if I am coming off as sanctimonious. This has just been bothering me for a while and I am worried for these souls. I feel that I definitely have the duty to proclaim the truth to them, and bring to their attention the moral tenets of their own faith. But I don’t know how. I probably can’t do much about the other young man, as I’ve never spoken to him and he goes to a separate school from mine. But this is the one main issue on which my boyfriend and I are divided, and I think that it is possible to change that. He seems to approve of it because of ignorance or poor catechesis, and because of his generally anti-judgmental attitude. All I want to do is be able to teach him the truth with charity and sensitivity, but I don’t know how to broach the topic without causing an emotional conflict and pushing him further away.

wow , maybe you should give some books on Catholicism to his friend to inform him what he is doing is against Church teaching

My response: Being sexually harassed by a fellow male is no less sexual harassment than a guy trying to pressure a girl to have sex. It should be recognized for what it is, not tolerated, or regarded as flattering.

I hope your boyfriend is being honest with you. I couldn’t continue a relationship with such doubt and hassle. I have to really trust someone, or it for me it wouldn’t worth being committed to a boyfriend. I’d be as wary of someone who drinks too much. My phobias (or self-protection), I guess. Life is hard enough, I find.

I hope and pray things will work out for the best, your boyfriend is young and perhaps you can help…but you do seem afraid. A girlfriend shouldn’t have to be afraid of losing her boyfriend because she stands by her morals.

Prayers for you both and for the one who is pressuring your boyfriend, and for your boyfriend to want to be a wholehearted Catholic. If he doesn’t want to be, no one can make him thus.

It would make me nervous/ uncomfortable if my boyfriend was friends with a guy who was asking him for sex and he still remained friends with him. :ehh: Most straight guys will run for the hills at something like that, so it makes me nervous that he is still hanging with that guy even after he kept asking him for sex. :ehh: Like somewhere in the back of his mind he’s entertaining the thought. How would you feel if he was still friends with and hanging around a female that kept asking him for sex? :ehh:

Well first of all, I can understand you being upset, and I certainly don’t condone anyone trying to seduce someone who’s already in a relationship, no matter what sexual orientation they are. Keep in mind there’s a difference between not knowing much about Catholicism, and disagreeing with some of its teachings. Your boyfriend may realise that sexual orientation and sexual behavior are two different things, and you’re assuming he doesn’t have a problem with both of these. It’s also possible that he has no problem with the behavior in a committed relationship (which may not be very Catholic dogmatically, but I know plenty of Catholics who feel that way). I guess you’d just have to ask him to clarify.

You said that you narrowing down and defining his “homosexual friend” with such a label, but then later you said he’s extremely openly gay… So I’m confused, what else should he be called? He’s certainly not straight. You seem to question his Catholicity, but if he’s a practicing Catholic because that’s how he was raised, then it makes sense he considers himself Catholic. He can’t help the way he feels, and simply has to choose whether to conform to Catholic teaching or not.

Also, how do you know his friend isn’t in love with him? If they’re friends, it’s not unreasonable to accidentally fall in love with someone, even if you know nothing can come of it. It’s wrong of him to try and pressure your boyfriend into having sex – I completely agree with that. But you’ve also got to remember that teenage boys’ hormones are raging, and that’s probably where this is coming from. I wouldn’t call it sexual harassment because that’s unwanted sexual advances, and it doesn’t sound like it bothers your boyfriend that much. I’m surprised that your boyfriend would find his advances flattering… I can understand being flattered that he finds him attractive though.

I understand how upsetting this is, and I don’t want to dismiss your feelings. I would be upset too. But be sure that you’re actually acting out of charity and with sensitivity, not anger and jealousy. I don’t want to be rude, but it sounds more like you’re jealous that someone else likes your boyfriend and you’re feeling threatened, rather than actually being concerned for their immortal souls.

I think your boyfriend has the better part in this, to be honest.

You don’t know this homosexual friend. It is not your business to go ‘proclaiming’ anything to him. If you tried, you would be seen as hectoring and bullying and it would immediately negate any good you thought you were trying to do.

Your boyfriend is flattered by the attention but he’s not doing anything about it because he’s not inclined to do so. I am flattered by the attentions of those who find me attractive, but I don’t do anything and the gender of the other person makes no difference to me, particularly if I’m not going to indulge the flatterer. As for sexual harassment - only your boyfriend is in a position to judge whether he feels harassed. If you try to convince him that he is, he’ll more likely feel harassed by you. It strikes me that you’re feeling more than somewhat jealous.

As you go through life you are going to have to deal with whoever your boyfriend is at the time being found attractive by other people. What do you expect him to do? Punch these people on their nose if they express liking for him? He sounds like a kind and gentle soul to me, who recognises that other people like him and doesn’t want to hurtfully reject them. A person may be friendly towards someone else even if they don’t do or feel the same things as that person.

In all honestly, it sounds to me like you’re gratuitously allowing yourself to feel offended when what you should be concentrating on is your boyfriend. He’s not being unfaithful to you. He’s simply being a nice guy, and I have to say I think that’s a very positive type of person to be.


If it was another girl who kept pushing herself onto your boyfriend, presuuring him for sex, you would find his behaviour tolerating and even encouraging her behaviour, totally unacceptable and you would surely demand that he have nothing to do with her.

The problem is that so many people have become so cautious about possibly “offending” gays that they tolearet ANYTHING they do for fear of being labelled “homophobic”, when such behavoiur by a heterosexual would never be accepted or tolerated.

Straight boyfriend flattered by a gay man’s attention? Likes his friend’s openly gay statements on facebook? Defends him and gay relationships when you speak about it?

Well, I’ll be blunt and some will say sarcastic… whatever you decide to do about communicating what the catechism teaches about homosexuality… don’t bother booking a hall for a wedding reception anytime soon :smiley:

I think it may be a learning experience FOR YOU.

You call a man “boyfriend” who is not marriage material. The purpose of dating is discernment of marriage.

I think maybe the lesson to be learned here is not to become romantically and emotionally involved with a Catholic who rejects Catholic teaching.

Yep, and yep.


Do not waste time thinking you are going to somehow mold him into the perfect man for you (oh, all the years I have seen good women waste trying to change guys who didn’t want changing). You either accept him for who he is or keep on looking. It sounds like you need to keep looking.

There is nothing here to suggest that his friend’s attention is unwarranted or malicious.

As an attractive man myself I sometimes recieve affectionate praise from older women (e.g., “How tall you are” or “If I were twenty years younger, I would…!”). I may flirt back (“Where have you been all my life?” and the usual corny lines) but there is generally a mutual understanding that the exchange is innocent fun, and nothing more. It’s certainly possible, even if unusual or immature, that the friend’s advances are meant to be taken lightly. Or, as another member said, there is some romantic attraction but your boyfriend is too polite to reject it openly.

Either way, if he’s not concerned and you’re in no position to accuse the friend of harassment.

I see no reason to question the friend’s Catholic identity because he is gay and perhaps immature, and I don’t understand how he’s creating a scandal.

Facebook can tell us about someone’s real traits and interests, and it might not. Some people project a more restrained attitude, while others are less inhibited, and a few even create a different persona. That the friend often posts sexual content isn’t enough to say he’s more sexually “obsessed” than anyone else in this day and age. Since you don’t know him, there’s very little you can say about his offline personality.

To be blunt, I sense the main issue here is your jealousy and the religious stuff is just coincidental. Your boyfriend seems interested in you, not him, and if the friend isn’t imposing himself on the relationship (e.g., interrupting your time together, gossiping about you) I personally don’t believe you have a reason to worry.

So wrong on so many levels. I’d take a serious look at this boyfriend of yours before continuing in a dating relationship with him.

Most heterosexual men would be completely appalled and grossed out by another man hitting on them. The fact that your boyfriend is “flattered” by it, sends up all sorts of red flags.

Tread lightly.

Explain to him that you wouldn’t approve of a female friend of his making advances on him, and it’s no different for a male friend. Let him know that he can choose to absolutely refuse his friend’s advances, or to break up.

Thanks for the posts, all of you; I’ll try to reply in a coherent manner.


This seems to be the case.

I meant that whenever he mentions this friend AT ALL that is what he calls him, even if it is irrelevant to what he is otherwise saying. Sorry for any confusion.

I am not certain that he isn’t, but I would make a guess based on what I do know, that if he were he wouldn’t be afraid to say it specifically.

Yes, that is true.

Is it possible that it’s both? I’m pretty sure it’s both. :o


Yes, I would be just as bothered if it were a girl doing this. And sadly, I think you’re right.

Well, I certainly hope that to be all it is.

Because he and other people like him have led my boyfriend and possibly other teenage Catholics to believe that it is perfectly acceptable and reconcilable for a Catholic to be someone who is (or is at least trying to be) actively homosexual.

Possibly. The “religious stuff” is a genuine concern, though. The main reason I posted this was for advice on how to approach the issue, and what would be the right thing to do as far as “instructing the ignorant” or even “admonishing the sinner,” not necessarily to be lectured on whether or not to continue this relationship, or on my jealousy issues (Which is not taken offensively, as I appreciate all the responses).

I’d rather not think of anyone as incorrigible. We are still young, and he has expressed interest in “becoming a more in-depth Catholic” with me, and has admitted that he doesn’t know very much and considers himself “culturally Catholic.” Doesn’t sound very hopeless to me.

That’s all very good. Just don’t try to force him into being the sort of person he’s not.

You are not responsible for the sins, such as they may be, of his homosexual friend. Clearly your boyfriend is heterosexual or he wouldn’t be going out with you. He is quite obviously a very non-judgemental person, which in its own right is pretty close to what Jesus asks us to be. You can both witness by your example, not by lecturing.

i did not say he was incorrigible or hopeless. I said he is not marriage material.

You should not date someone hoping they will change.


first and foremost I would like o say,God loves you more than any thing in the world.i cannot see one bit of the living God in any of your post about how your boy friend and his friend act and what is being said in the body language one puts on the other and the other to just brush if aside as if it was normal.

have you ever though your boyfriend is making things up,to get you jealous?

or that he may be bi sexual?

or maybe homo sexual,and just cant make his mind up?

i think the ego`s of every party are playing there part in this.and nobody is looking at the “I” in ones self,the real person.once you can do that,then all will be revealed. are in my prayers.

God bless you. :slight_smile:

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