My boyfriend is very superficial :(


#1

Hello,

I'm sorry to bug you all with my relationship troubles, I just didn't know where else to go, and I figured the people here would understand some very important aspects of our relationship.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. We are both devout Catholics, and meet up for Mass every week. He is very respectful, and we had a very good relationship from the beginning. However, lately we have been having constant arguements, either about my weight, or how I don't feel appreciated by him.

Last night, we were the closest we've ever been to breaking up, and he told me it was because he doesn't feel any "spark". We have been pretty good not to give in to temptation, I must say, so I asked if he had a problem holding back in that way as much as we do. He told me that wasn't the issue, and that as much as it makes him said like a jerk, he's just very superficial, and wants a gorgeous wife. He said he thinks he would appreciate me more, and start being a sweeter, more considerate boyfriend, if I work out more. When I asked him about eventually having kids, he said he doesn't think that would be that much of an issue for him, it was just now because I didn't have any real reason for not being really thin. I'm not unattractive, I've been told many times that I have a very pretty face, and according to Wii fit, I am towards the upper-level, but still within the "Healthy" range :thumbsup: . I just feel like if my weight is what's keeping us together, or breaking us up, he doesn't care about me like he should. But on the other hand, isn't he just being honest...

I guess my question is this: I have many flaws, and he puts up with them, so should I put up with his, and just work harder to become thinner?
or Is it wrong that I think HE should be working on his superficiality?
Does anyone know of any prayer I can give him to ask God to help him get over this?

Thank you! :)


#2

[quote="stina2bina, post:1, topic:197997"]
Hello,

I'm sorry to bug you all with my relationship troubles, I just didn't know where else to go, and I figured the people here would understand some very important aspects of our relationship.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. We are both devout Catholics, and meet up for Mass every week. He is very respectful, and we had a very good relationship from the beginning. However, lately we have been having constant arguements, either about my weight, or how I don't feel appreciated by him.

Last night, we were the closest we've ever been to breaking up, and he told me it was because he doesn't feel any "spark". We have been pretty good not to give in to temptation, I must say, so I asked if he had a problem holding back in that way as much as we do. He told me that wasn't the issue, and that as much as it makes him said like a jerk, he's just very superficial, and wants a gorgeous wife. He said he thinks he would appreciate me more, and start being a sweeter, more considerate boyfriend, if I work out more. When I asked him about eventually having kids, he said he doesn't think that would be that much of an issue for him, it was just now because I didn't have any real reason for not being really thin. I'm not unattractive, I've been told many times that I have a very pretty face, and according to Wii fit, I am towards the upper-level, but still within the "Healthy" range :thumbsup: . I just feel like if my weight is what's keeping us together, or breaking us up, he doesn't care about me like he should. But on the other hand, isn't he just being honest...

I guess my question is this: I have many flaws, and he puts up with them, so should I put up with his, and just work harder to become thinner?
or Is it wrong that I think HE should be working on his superficiality?
Does anyone know of any prayer I can give him to ask God to help him get over this?

Thank you! :)

[/quote]

If you want a lifetime of misery, marry him. Otherwise, find someone who loves you selflessly and as you are.


#3

But aren't we only human? I mean, we talk about how we shouldn't care about appearances, but the fact is, we do. And I have my flaws too, and I'm sure many people could have seen them and told him "Marry her and you'll be miserable". I'm just confused :(


#4

Yes, he’s superficial. He may grow out of this, or he may not.

For now, he is not ready for a serious relationship. Period.

Never change yourself to make yourself “more acceptable” to someone else. We change as we go through life - you have to roll with the punches.

And, quite frankly, looks should not be important. I would rather be married to an ordinary woman who was committed (together with me) to be married for the rest of our lives.


#5

He is being honest with you, which is good, however do you really want to spend your life worrying every day whether or not your husband is attracted to you? Yes, appearances are important, however when you love someone they look good to you anyway, no matter what. You hear all the time about the “average Joe” (or Jane) who looks like a model in their significant other’s eyes because of who they are on the inside. It would be one thing if you gained a lot of weight in the past two years and your boyfriend commented on you getting healthier (health being the key word), but if it’s because he wants a “gorgeous” wife then that, to me, is a red flag. Work out to stay healthy and happy (for YOU), don’t do it to be thin.

I know it’s scary; two years is a long time to spend with someone and then break up, but this is your life you are talking about. Not only that but it sounds like he needs to do a little soul searching himself; if he is that concerned with outward appearances then he’s probably not ready to commit to something like marriage. Keep praying to God and to Mary for help; they’ll let you know what the right thing to do is. I’ll keep you in my prayers too!!


#6

[quote="stina2bina, post:3, topic:197997"]
But aren't we only human? I mean, we talk about how we shouldn't care about appearances, but the fact is, we do.

[/quote]

The person who loves you fully, truly, and in a marrying kind of way will be attracted to you as you are now. Yes, appearance is important, but what you are missing is the fact that he doesn't like your appearance, and there are men out there who WILL. He wants you to change to be something/someone else.

[quote="stina2bina, post:3, topic:197997"]

And I have my flaws too, and I'm sure many people could have seen them and told him "Marry her and you'll be miserable".

[/quote]

Somehow, I doubt that.

I'm not talking about all the little flaws of daily living. Yes, I do and say things that drive my DH crazy and vice versa. We work through them.

This isn't one of those things. This is who you are in a *fundamental *way. This is about what you value in a fundamental way, what he values.

You are happy with you. You don't think you are overweight. You don't think you lack beauty, and apparently neither do other people.

Yet your boyfriend finds this issue so fundamental that he doesn't want to show affection until you've skinnied yourself down.

Honey, that shows a MAJOR personality flaw on his part. This is a character issue, not a "which way do you put the toilet paper on the roll" issue.

[quote="stina2bina, post:3, topic:197997"]
I'm just confused :(

[/quote]

Yes, I'd imagine you are. You've invested heavily emotionally and now he is rejecting a fundamental part of who you are and suggesting he would love you "if only" you change yourself to please him.

You really think that'll stop when you get married? Dream on.


#7

[quote="stina2bina, post:1, topic:197997"]
Hello,

I'm sorry to bug you all with my relationship troubles, I just didn't know where else to go, and I figured the people here would understand some very important aspects of our relationship.

I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. We are both devout Catholics, and meet up for Mass every week. He is very respectful, and we had a very good relationship from the beginning. However, lately we have been having constant arguements, either about my weight, or how I don't feel appreciated by him.

Last night, we were the closest we've ever been to breaking up, and he told me it was because he doesn't feel any "spark". We have been pretty good not to give in to temptation, I must say, so I asked if he had a problem holding back in that way as much as we do. He told me that wasn't the issue, and that as much as it makes him said like a jerk, he's just very superficial, and wants a gorgeous wife. He said he thinks he would appreciate me more, and start being a sweeter, more considerate boyfriend, if I work out more. When I asked him about eventually having kids, he said he doesn't think that would be that much of an issue for him, it was just now because I didn't have any real reason for not being really thin. I'm not unattractive, I've been told many times that I have a very pretty face, and according to Wii fit, I am towards the upper-level, but still within the "Healthy" range :thumbsup: . I just feel like if my weight is what's keeping us together, or breaking us up, he doesn't care about me like he should. But on the other hand, isn't he just being honest...

I guess my question is this: I have many flaws, and he puts up with them, so should I put up with his, and just work harder to become thinner?
or Is it wrong that I think HE should be working on his superficiality?
Does anyone know of any prayer I can give him to ask God to help him get over this?

Thank you! :)

[/quote]

A prayer for him...

Vanity was not the way of the Lord!
Through purity of soul and intent,
He accomplished His Divine work.
While He shared with those who listened,
He submitted His knowledge to be digested,
Indicating it was the way to salvation,
Leaving each with the freedom to choose.
The way of Jesus was free of egotism;
I admire Your perfection my Lord!
Jesus, teach me to control my pride:
May it never reach the extent of vanity.
I seek to model You as a humble child!
Amen


#8

Has your appearance/weight changed significantly since you started dating? Do you make a regular effort to stay healthy/in shape?

Regardless if it has or not, he should be supportive, undestanding, caring and loving. For him to get worked up about it for the wrong reasons is superficial. However, if he is genuinely concerned for your well being and just wants you to be healthier then it may not be too bad. If you have been gaining weight, he may be worried the pattern may continue.

Bottom line he should love you for who you are. People will inevitably change over time, love should persist no matter what. He may end up 30lbs heavier in 5-10 years and I’m sure you’ll still love him. Try to make him see both perspectives.


#9

You can spend your life miserably trying to meet his expectations, and you never will, because he doesn’t really love you. It doesn’t matter what the reason - superficiality, immaturity, whatever - he has a different idea of what he wants in a wife. And that’s fine, and it’s a good thing you found out now.

Two years sounds like a long time now, but compared to a lifetime married to the wrong person, it’s nothing.

Betsy


#10

This is one “flaw” I wouldn’t tolerate in a potential spouse. Its one thing to be concerned about someone’s health, its quite another to tell someone I won’t feel a spark for you until you lose the weight and become the “gorgeous” wife I desire. Its a very slippery slope, where will it stop? He should be accepting you the way you are, no if, ands, or buts. And after two years together, he should be more attracted to you than the day he met you, not the opposite. Please do not try to “justify” staying with him because he’s being honest, its not admirable in this situation. He needs to be more honest with himself that he’s being a bit of a jerk and he’s not mature enough for a serious relationship.


#11

These people are right, I'm sorry to say. It doesn't sound like you guys are compatible.

If you enter into relationships with the intention and hope that you can change people, your going to be miserable your entire life.


#12

[quote="stina2bina, post:3, topic:197997"]
But aren't we only human? I mean, we talk about how we shouldn't care about appearances, but the fact is, we do. And I have my flaws too, and I'm sure many people could have seen them and told him "Marry her and you'll be miserable". I'm just confused :(

[/quote]

Love doesn't care about appearances!

Now if you were seriously overweight to the point that it was already causing health problems at a young age then someone who loves you encouraging you to loose weight might be a little different.

That's not the case here, he says he is superficial and wants a "thin" wife, then let him find her IMHO. Love being dependent on body weight is truly superficial, I would call it lust rather than love and that is not conducive to a long and happy marriage. A friend of mine who has 2 daughters (I only have sons) and I were talking about marriage and what we would tell our children. The most important thing I would tell my sons is to find someone who you love and is going to love you for who you are no matter what, and will make a good mother. That is what marriage is really about. If you have those then the "looks" don't really matter.

When I was in High School I was a big guy, I decided I wanted to lose weight, really for the wrong reasons (no virtuous ones) but did. I worked out 6 days a week and lost about 170 lbs during the summer and most of my Sophomore year in College. I had TONS of friends and a few romantic relationships, I always had a date etc..., but wanted more... again for the wrong reasons. However I never looked at women that way, I wanted to lose weight from the standpoint of initial attraction them to me.

It worked but oddly enough the myriad of planned multiple women came to a close quickly as I met my future wife and we started dating (God was watching out for me even though I wasn't I guess). Over the years, basically when I couldn't work out all the time again, I started gaining weight. Diets didn't matter (obviously I knew how to diet) it was the time to exercise which I just didn't have. About 7 years into our marriage there were some issues that started as not attracted / weight issues but truly were more the fact that we couldn't seem to get pregnant. Eventually we did though and now have 4 wonderful sons... I lost a little but I'm still a very large man. However the weight issues hasn't come up since.

My wife who has always been one of those, I can eat a bag of doritos before bed and never gain weight has had some of that catch up with her after 4 children but to me she is more beautiful than ever (she isn't really overweight IMHO but thinks she is because she wears a 16-18 but she is 5'11")

Eventually we need to lose some pounds for our health but the love hasn't changed, in fact I might say there is even more passion now than 8 years ago (we have been married for 15, together for 19).

My point of telling you all of this is that if she had been that superficial, our marriage might have ended without our 4 wonderful sons. Truthfully, in my opinion, if wanting a trophy wife now is what matters then that is what is going to matter later as well.

Everyone has faults, but telling someone you have dated for a long time you don't love them because they have gained a little weight is something else and not the kind of love a Christian marriage needs to be based upon.

Joe


#13

Hii StinaBina :o)

In my opinion, you should work out and stay fit BUT DO IT FOR YOURSELF NOT FOR HIM!


#14

Read the song of songs, and Eph 5 and see how far this guy is from that.

He is supposed to be pursuing you, for you to trust, and to open your heart to him. Instead he is trying to get you to close your gate. Give him what he wants (closed heart) and move on.


#15

Your boyfriend is who he is. If he wants a gorgeous and thin wife, that’s what he wants.

However, if he doesn’t feel a “spark” when you’re at the upper end of the healthy range, can you really trust him to feel the spark after you’ve had kids, may be outside the healthy range, may have stretch marks, wrinkles, saggy breasts and so on?

People do care about appearances, it’s a fact. But not every man finds the “very thin” look attractive, and I doubt most men would require it to feel a “spark”. If you’re not naturally a thin woman,do you want to spend your whole life feeling bad about yourself and struggling to attain a weight that is not natural for you because otherwise your boyfriend/husband won’t feel a spark?

It would be one thing if you were medically overweight/obese, it’s probably hard to find people who would be physically attracted to an overweight person. But if you’re within the healthy range, just not the very thin range then it’s different.

The thing that really sends red flags for me is that he says he would be a sweeter and more considerate boyfriend if you worked out more. While it might be understandable if he just physically prefers a thin woman, it is absolutely ridiculous that your thinness determines how sweet and considerate he is. That is in his control.

And frankly it doesn’t sound like he loves you. If he loved you, being toward the upper end of the healthy range (what is that anyway, weighting 140 instead of 120) wouldn’t be a deal breaker.

If I were you, I’d start looking for a man who made you feel beautiful and good about yourself the way you are.

Out of curiosity, what are your height and weight?


#16

It sounds like this relationship has gone as far as it is going to go. You guys need to sit down and have a serious discussion if you wish to continue going in the direction you are going. His criticisim of your weight might just be his way of saying that he does not feel the same attraction to you that he did in the begining, and he doesn't know how to say it.


#17

*Oh my gosh, I agree with this!

First, nothing wrong with wishing to have that chemistry or ‘‘spark’’ with someone, there isn’t…but what nerve to tell you this, OP! Nerve.

I’d end it…and work out FOR YOU, for your health…and not to keep a shallow guy in your life.

Prayers for you, in the meantime.*


#18

First of all I am in the middle of writing a book to help parents with apologetics against Paganism. OK - do you know who the demon behind the sin of Pride is - Lucifer. He is the one that wanted to be God on Earth to the point that he got he himself tossed out of Heaven and caused most of the issues we have today. Too consistently tie yourself someone who doesn’t know how to humble themselves is literally to tie yourself straight to that influence. And yes, that influence works in various, devious ways.

Now where is liberanselmo to talk about narcissism.

And by the way - if he thinks you are too curvy now - he is not gonna like you too much when you are 36 weeks pregnant and your water breaks.


#19

I will tell you what I was told when I had a similar issue: you need to lose 170 pounds. You can do it quickly and safely.

By dumping him.


#20

[quote="CountrySinger, post:19, topic:197997"]
I will tell you what I was told when I had a similar issue: you need to lose 170 pounds. You can do it quickly and safely.

By dumping him.

[/quote]

LOL, that is the best come back to this situation! I hope the OP uses it at some point.


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