My boyfriend just told me something very intense and I don't know what to do

Hey everyone,

Normally i don’t post personal information on the internet, but this forum has been a pretty good place for advice, especially from a Catholic perspective and right that’s what i need…in addition to prayers.

So basically, my boyfriend told me some crazy information today and i’m so incredibly confused about what to do and whether I should stay with him or break up with him.

Perhaps I should give some background information…

My boyfriend and I have known each other since sophomore year of college…and we were always friends. There was some very weird periods of time where I stopped speaking to him/got angry with him and he messed up when he expressed that he liked me/wanted to date. Regardless, my life was a little hectic and crazy but I finally got back on track with my faith and my religion last year and I have never felt so connected with Catholicism in my life before…
We started talking again at the beginning of this year and we started dating, but this time everything seemed to be going perfect. He understand my morals and views (he said he was okay with waiting until marriage), he is orthodox christian but interested in being more religious (and now attends mass on a regular basis and wants to be more religious), he is well mannered…funny…etc etc. He has done some things in the past that were immoral (he had sex with 2 girls he did not know very well) but i had gotten over them because that is not who he is now and i have forgiven him for it.

Then, today, he tells me something that happened at the end of our sophomore year, during a period when i stopped speaking to him/was mean to him and he thought i would never speak to him again. apparently, him and his ridiculous (and in my opinion, horrible) guy friends went into the city, got drunk, and then ended up at a massage parlor not according to my boyfriends desire. he wanted to leave but was drunk. he went to the bathroom and when he came out there was a woman in the room and somehow, he ended up sleeping with her. more or less, it sounds like some sort of prostitution considering one of his dirtbag friends paid for this to happen. he cried in the car all the way home and he cried that night and could not even bring himself to sleep in his own bed. he beats himself up for it repeatedly and claims it is the worst thing he has ever done in his life.

i know that he is a good man and he that truly loves me and would never cheat on me or resort to any of his bad behaviors. i know that it was mature of him to tell me something like that because he loves me and he could have easily kept it hidden. i know that in time i can also forgive him for what he has done.
i just don’t know what to do now…I’m going to speak to a priest whom we both know/i trust very well in a couple of weeks about the situation so he can give me some guidance. I am pretty disgusted by the entire situation and right now i cannot swallow/comprehend all of the disgusting details. my boyfriend and i both understand, however, that the decision relies entirely on me as to whether we continue to date and slowly start to rebuild our relationship (which is now long distance) or if we should break up. we spoke about marriage…kids…everything. we were very serious and both of us understood each other so well because of our good friendship.

Everything in the present and the future seems to be okay, but it’s just his past…and i dont know if i can get past his past.

I wish God could just make the decision for me…I prayed a novena before we started dating that I would find the right man to marry sometime…(and then we dated)…and I prayed while we dated that if this was not meant to be, that he would let me know and now i’m just praying for some guidance…because i dont know what to do, i still love him, and we always seemed to come back to each other in the past (fate?) :frowning:

any advice?

Trust me I know the feeling. If you don’t believe me read my own posts on here to get my whole story since it’s too long for me to explain fully here.

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=282133
forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=295728

Basically I was in the same boat except I’m a guy who is a junior in college and she was a girl the same age although it was long distance which made the circumstances a bit different than yours. Basically things were going pretty smooth to my knowledge until she told me she cheated on me and wanted to be friends ect ect days before my second trip to fly over during Christmas and visit her for a week. I guess she wasn’t happy with me since we had a fight 3 weeks before all this happened and spent 2 days without talking to each other. We both reconciled (or so I thought) and started talking every night and being the same as we’ve always been for the coming weeks and things seemed normal to me. I hadn’t known though because she didn’t seem out of the ordinary. I guess things weren’t fine on her side and she admitted pretending she was ok ect. She told me she was discussing all of this with her guy friend and he suddenly came on to her comforting her and one things led to another ect. It sounded somewhat believable even though at first I told her it sounded like a bunch of BS because she could have said no and stopped.

Obviously I canceled the trip and didn’t have a very pleasant Christmas but staying with my family really really helped. Anyway that is the whole thing in a nutshell. Now to your reply:

After reading your boyfriend’s story that you posted, I’m getting the same red flags I got that I’d discern in making your decision. Your bf’s story draws many parallels to my ex gf’s story in certain ways in the sense that it makes them seem innocent and " oops it was an accident" sort of way. Trust me I was in love with my ex at the time to wanted so badly to believe them and just forgive it all away. And you should forgive them def when you are ready to. But you shouldn’t forget and this should def be a red flag for you if you do plan to continue the relationship.

Also I just found out a week or two ago that my ex gf made the entire story up and her " one time cheating accident" was actually an affair that went on over several weeks. I’m not as hurt since this whole thing happened during Christmas but it still hurt to find out that I almost believed her innocently told spiced up lie of a story. I just don’t want your bf’s story to put you in the same situation as a sucker.

So in all of that here is what I have to say: Be careful! Be aware! And never ever question your gut. If your gut tells you something is up, something is usually up trust me. I had a gut wrenching feeling even when my gf “seemed ok” I asked her one time if she’d ever cheat on me and she got so upset at me asking that and I felt so bad and ironically 2 weeks later she confessed she cheated on me! Never ever question your gut instincts from my lesson learned.

As hard as it is, don’t let your emotions cloud the obvious. Yes it is possible your boyfriend is being honest with you and it is right of you to trust him unless he’s violated your trust before. BUT… at the same time you should be aware and more suspicious to avoid falling for the same scam I fell into. If things are going fine and you trust him and things have been fine since this incident took place then he may very well have been honest with you.

However if things have been sketchy as in he’s hard to reach, doesn’t talk to you often, seems distant ect. since then and he just now tells you this, I’d proceed with extreme caution. Him telling you he cried and all of that ect honestly may not have been true. I’m a guy… and guys rarely cry in front of other guys and he might have been telling you all this just to make the story more innocent, then again I don’t know him. From his story:

Facts are:

  1. He was intoxicated
  2. He slept with a women in which he could have said no to.
  3. He did come clean and tell you
  4. He could have left but didn’t because he was drunk

Questions I’d ask to myself:

  1. Was he really intoxicated at the time? He could have been sober enough to make an informed decision and given the state of your relationship at the time, he might have been inclined to sleep with someone to feel better.

  2. He could have said no to the women. Yes alcohol affects judgement but he did put himself in that situation. I know if I truely loved my women, nothing short of total possesion or mind control would drive me to sleep with someone else.

  3. He has shown that he could put himself in this position again if he continues to go out and get drunk with his friends, could you sleep well at night knowing this?

  4. He has demonstrated that he does not fully value saving sex for marriage since his alcohol inhibited his judgement this bad too.

Conclusions: While yes alcohol can impair judgement a lot, all too often people use it as an excuse for their behavior when it hurts others. I have been drunk many times and have never once " blacked out " and I could always recall how I got into my bed, where I was at and what things happened. I could recall many thoughts at the time and I remember although the temptations were elevated, the choice of no was still always there for me no matter how intoxicated I was. Many times I was tempted to take a college girl back to my room as I have had so many opportunities too but I remember thinking that I would regret it later even (even while intoxicated) and instead ignored those temptations.

So while your bf screwed up, could you trust him again? Would you want this guy to be the father of your children? Now that you are long distance, could you trust him enough to continue the relationship given this information?

He did do the right thing by telling you but some part of me thinks it could be a precursor of things to come and his by telling you was sort of a " I told you so, you knew who you were dating" type of thing.

It’s totally your call but I knew I personally couldn’t manage especially with all the **** I’ve been put through in the past with women in the same situation.

It’s ok to forgive him and you always should forgive someone. But it might be better in my opinion to call it quits or at least take a long term break and just be friends. If you are truly destined to be together, you will be together eventually regardless.

Seems to me he could use a nice chat with a spiritual director and attend the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I absolutely love the Sacrament of Reconciliation – my sins forgiven, I walk out there with a clean slate, reconciled with God and the Body of Christ! (‘Body of Christ’ being the Church.) Sure, I may have some Purgatory time for purification from the temporal effects of sin, and yes, I’m still dealing with temporal effects of sin right now, but there is absolutely nothing to worry about after Confession for previous sins. (At each Confession, I pledge to avoid sin and whatever leads me to sin, and I do my best to honor that pledge each time…)

So … I guess the take home points:
[LIST]
*]There’s nothing God can’t heal.
*]There’s nothing God can’t forgive (if we let Him do so).
*]Attending the Sacrament of Reconciliation as soon as possible after a grave sin is ideal.
[/LIST]
If he’s not Catholic already, you should have a talk about his conversion … I can’t imagine committing myself to life-long intimacy as one flesh with someone who doesn’t share my beliefs on issues of utmost importance.

If I am reading this correctly it sounds as though this all happened **before **the two of you began dating during a time when you had become friends but not in any relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend. If that is the case and the two of you love each other I am hopeful that you will keep the past where it belongs. It sounds as though he has grown up quite a bit in that time and from the decription you gave of your relationship now with each other on the right track. I hope that you would not press for details of past sexual experiences and really they belong in the past and look towards the future and who he is right now with you.

According to our legal system, you’re contradicting yourself – if he was a woman. (Our legal system is biased towards women.)

Alcohol is considered a date-rape drug. According to our legal system, if, as you say:

then [s]he can press charges for rape, because [s]he was not able to consent.

Do not hold double-standards. If it’s not rape for men, then it’s not rape for women. If it is rape for women, then it is rape for men.

So, it is very possible that he was raped by this woman.

Yes, speak to a priest together as you wish.
But if you accept your friend, you need to put it in the past.
You are going to have to do what Jesus did regarding Mary Magdalen. Once you’ve dealt with it…and he has begun his healing in risking telling you, you need both to trust this to God.

Jesus didn’t hold anything against Mary M once they’d dealt with the sin together. In fact, He accepted Mary’s conversion as real. And when all His best friends abandoned Him in the worst time of His life, Mary M was there standing by Him.
Jesus didn’t penalize mary M, in fact in a male oriented culture, it was Mary whom He commissioned to tell His apostles that He’d risen from the dead.

Remind and impress this on your boyfriend. He’s not unforgivable, any more that the prostitute Mary of Magdala who became one of His dearest and most trusted friends. I hope this helps you both.

Love, Trishie

No, I don’t agree that it was mature of him to burden you with his past sins.

He should have sincerely repented, confessed the sins in the sacrament of Confession, and turned his life around, without trying to place the burden of his sins on you. I think that is immature.

he actually is orthodox christian and asked our priest at the newman center about going to confession but the rules of orthodoxy and catholicism are a little fuzzy. He can receive Holy Communion at the Catholic church but i’m not sure if he can receive confession…although he wanted to. he has seriously considered converting, however.

thank you for your advice though!

i know forgiveness is key in this situation and i know i can overcome this through God, but i’m not sure if i can forget…:shrug:

It was in his past, during a time when I not only speak to him but I was explicitly angry with him. I did not think i would ever speak to him again, either, quite frankly.

I told him that i did not want to know about his past sexual experiences, unless it was something huge/could change the course of our relationship.

so…i guess he felt like he should have told me and im glad that he did and that i heard it from him as opposed to other people telling me.

i guess i’m just confused as to whether i should try and pray and focus for the strength to forgive and forget about all of this…or if i should take this as more of a sign that God is trying to warn me of pursuing a future with him. Are you saying I should try the latter since it was his past?

To all people who are DATING:

If you date someone who is cheating on you, be thankful-
You have found out that they are NOT fit for marriage.

Dating has one purpose: to find out if that person is proper to be your spouse. Infidelity during dating is the biggest number one smack in the face that you should drop that person faster than you can say “hahahahahahahahahahahaahah”

If you actually consider staying with someone you are dating who is unfaithful, then you are setting yourself up for a failed marriage. A large percentage of today’s Catholic’s don’t seem to understand this since their divorce rate is the same as the secular world’s.

It does not matter how intoxicated a person is. The fact they are intoxicated to the point of cheating should be enough to end the relationship.
This type of behaviour signals complete immaturity and inability to handle life’s problems like an adult.

Exactly.

Sorry, perhaps i am not being clear with my post…i think i confused a few people.
He did not cheat on me while we were/are dating.
I would immediately leave him if he had cheated on me (i already did that to my first bf, im not afraid to do it again).

he did this 2 years ago, before we were dating, when we were NOT speaking to each other.
he confessed what he did to me today, and so while it is his past, it’s a huge sin that he did…so its more an issue of whether i can/should move beyond this and continue the relationship.

I think that he has repented…well he seems miserable about it and we were both crying on the phone. he has told me before he doesnt want to receive Holy Communion without confession and he wanted to go to confession but as i said beforehand there is some sort of technical difficulty it seems because he is Orthodox Christian, not Catholic.

ehh…i mean…his life seems turned around since we’ve been talking…and he’s changed a lot of his “bad” habits (like smoking, etc) and he loves going to Mass/being religious…so…i dunno.

i guess i could see what you mean about it being immature but i think he just knows how i freak out if i find out about “big Secrets” later on in a relationship.

the fact that he told me doesnt bother me as much as what he told me, if that makes sense.

***If he has repented, loves you, and wants a life with you–and you trust him now, then I don’t see a reason to not move forward. My husband is 10 years older than me, and was no choir boy when we met. He was very open with the life he led…he lived with a woman before meeting me, and he said about 2 years prior to our meeting, he decided it was not the life he wanted to lead anymore, he confessed, repented, and was celibate. We didn’t have sex until marriage, I didn’t really have a past, other than dating different guys in college. I had a hard time thinking of what his past looked like, before me. It nearly ruined our relationship, but then I realized, hey, this is his PAST, not yesterday, but long past.

The only thing I’ll say is that when I read your post, I found it interesting, your bf’s choice of words about the massage parlor–that ‘somehow’ he had sex with that woman. Men don’t ‘accidentally’ have sex with women, they either do or don’t. Being drunk is not an excuse, he needs to accept that he made a mistake, and move on…I think that he is probably saddened by that incident, so he tries to downplay it, but truthfully, he made the decision to go there with his friends…drunk or not, they didn’t force him. So, just know that sometimes, the past can be told to us to lessen the impact. :wink:

I think that if your bf’s past is truly that, PAST, then try to move forward…he sounds like he loves you, and I’d trust him on his word to you now. Now, I wouldn’t rush into marriage, or anything, but there’s nothing wrong with taking things slow, and seeing where your relationship leads. Time will tell if your relationship is meant to be.

God bless–I’ll keep you in my prayers. ***

***Yes, I understood your OP.

Everyone has a past…if the person has changed, if his heart shows remorse, and repentance, that is what we are to look at. I think that your relationship just might be the thing to bring out the best in your bf. Again, you’re in my prayers–I pray that if you give this a chance, that he treats you well. I have been married nearly 18 years, so you CAN get past someone’s past, and look towards the future with someone who has repented. :thumbsup:***

I suppose it’s basically your choice? When you imagine your life without him, how do you feel? Do you think you might be using this as a good excuse to break up with him because in the depths of your heart, you don’t want to be with him anymore? I ask because for me, it wouldn’t be an issue. He did something sinful and wrong and he is very sorry and will not do it again. I’d make him get tested for STD’s and then I’d get over it - given that we weren’t together at the time and he sort of gave into peer pressure.

After you are married, there are lots of things you are going to need to forgive your husband for. Hopefully nothing as serious as hooking up with a Prostitute - but things that will make you feel betrayed nonetheless. And if not by your husband, by your children. People make mistakes… big mistakes. God is merciful and forgiving… we need to be also.

But he’s not your husband… and you are under no obligation to move beyond this with him. If you want to break up over this, or anything else, that is totally your choice.

God bless you both.

not to go off topic but I thought I heard somewhere that it’s debatable if Mary M was actually a prostitute.

Your story is really encouraging and uplighting, especially since you have had such a successful relationship!

i think the initial shock is still with me so perhaps if i give it some more time and thought i can eventually forgive and forget…i know that its his past, its just sooo horrendous.
i feel like he is being remorseful and perhaps even if i stay with him and things arent that good then that will be my clear indication to leave…i just dont feel like getting hurt…this is the 3rd guy now who has done something wrong/lied/etc.
In reference to him downplaying what he did, i forget the wording he used because quite frankly i didnt want to replay it in my head and i didnt want to hear more of it…but he acknowledges it was all his fault…in fact he does not really blame his friends at all, he blames only himself, 100%. (although one of them paid for whatever)…and i still think his friends were somewhat to blame since he was underage, drunk, and in a shady area of a city…so basically he had no way of getting home without them. regardless, he made the mistake alone and everything else is circumstantial.

the only thing that i worry about is that we are both in a long distance relationship now because we are going to our respective professional schools and so i feel like any tension and such from a long distance relationship may be disguised as tension from his past…or vice versa. if that makes sense.

arghhh.

There’s nothing wrong with coming clean about something that you feel guilty about.

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