My brother


#1

Long story short (for those of you who don’t know)… My dd’s dad is in the annulment process and so we are living seperate right now. My family doesn’t “get it” on why we’re not living together (even though I’ve explained why we’re now trying to do the right thing according to God’s desire for us all to be holy).

So, my brother has been ignoring my dd’s dad whenever he’s around (my dd’s dad has said “hi” with no replies, tried to make conversation, etc. basically has tried to be civil and friendly). Two weeks ago I called my brother to ask him what his problem was with my dd’s dad (his problem is that we don’t live together) and asked my brother to at least be civil with my dd’s dad. Well, yesterday there was a 4th of July party at my aunt’s and instead of my brother ignoring my dd’s dad he said really loudly and obnoxiously “Hi A (dd’s dad) and A (dd)” so that everyone could hear him say hello. Well, his wife called him a jerk quietly and another relative who was in the room came up to me to say how rude my brother was.

I am so angry at my brother right now. His birthday is this weekend and we always go out. I asked my dd’s dad to take my dd out when I go to my brother’s birthday dinner b/c I am so mad that I don’t want my dd to be around him (my brother) and obviously my dd’s dad doesn’t want to go even though he’s invited. I have already asked my brother to be civil and he has shown he can’t even meet that expectation. I can’t even look him in the face right now b/c of his behavior. I find myself becoming more upset with him because all his previous behavior toward others keeps popping up in my mind (ex. my mom broke her shoulder and he didn’t visit her once, he only dropped off his son to be watched at daycare, yet I gave my mom baths, helped her in the restroom, helped her get dressed and still my mom thinks I am the one who’s rude and not my brother). Besides praying for him (which I do almost every time I think of him when I’m mad at him) is there anything else I can do?


#2

gmarie… Are you my sister??? This is exactly how my brother acts and yet mom always takes his side of everything. I have gotten to the point where my children are no longer allowed to talk to my brother or my mother because they act like buttheads in front of my children. I am sorry you are going through this. It really sounds like your brother has a guilty conscience… did he live with a gf before marriage?


#3

Yes, he did live with my sil (and her twin sister) before they married, but I never said a thing about their situation nor did I ever show disrespect toward her even though there were times I was tempted to). I feel sorry for my sil now b/c it seems as if she has to walk on “egg shells” around my brother. I just hate to see my brother turning into my dad but more selfish than my dad (which I never thought was possible).

I cannot understand how a child could ignore a parent who needs help (my mom has difficulty walking and rarely drives) when the parent always made sacrifices for that child. Despite my mom’s flaws (most of them revolving around her lack of participation in the Church) she is a good woman who has ALWAYS put her children first, I just can’t understand why my brother can’t stop being selfish for a moment to be sincerely interested in someone besides himself.

I cannot understand how he works more hours than he has to (yes, this is verifiable b/c he works for my uncle and with my cousins), isn’t home many evenings during the week because of work (also, the additional work isn’t required, he does it for the extra money) and yet doesn’t realize how his choices affect everyone else (especially my sil and my nephew). He and I use to be close, now I hardly know him and don’t desire to have a relationship with him. I truly am disappointed in him and have no desire to talk to him. Yet, I feel guilty for feeling this way. Maybe I’m the one with the problem.:shrug:


#4

You are an adult and should continue to do what is right for you and your family and continue praying for your brother. You are not responsible for changing him.

He is an adult and responsible for his own actions and how he treats others.

Teach and lead by example. Siblings do get lost sometimes but they must find their own way home also.


#5

Gmarie… The reason he is acting like this is guilty conscience. He lived with dw before marriage and now if anyone says anything about not living together or not having sex, he is going to be sensitive. My brother did the same thing. It’s ok as long as anyone doesn’t remind him of his lack of morals…and it isn’t in words…it’s actions. I guarantee he would have had a scathing comment if you had said anything to him about it at the time… but setting a good example…well there you have gone too far by proving that it can be done. So instead of dealing with his guilt he chooses to look down on you dd’s dad for not just ignoring what is right and do what is comfortable. The fact that he is you dd’s dad makes it worse because he “used” to be a “regular” guy like your brother in your brothers eyes.

As far as the work and mom thing… you pretty much hit it on the head… he is using the excuse that he has to work long hours so he doesn’t have to help out. No doubt if he is like my brother, he has told some sob story to your mom about why. Mom then feels sorry for him and takes his side… to him it is a win-win situation because he doesn’t have to care for mom and mom feels sorry for him too…

The whole overly loud hello was not for your dd’s dad… it was to prove to you and your mom that he tried to be nice to the guy. My sister pulls this all the time. That way, when he finds anything he can perceive as a blow off… he can go crying to mommy that he tried… you heard me mom, I was friendly and said hi to him and he did XXXXX! Been there done that, lived to tell… This is exactly how my family acts… and for some reason I was picturing a particular incident that happened at a 4th of July party too… maybe it is the heat, the cold beer and the fact that it is a secular holiday???


#6

I think if I was in your shoes, I wouldn’t go see him on his birthday. Just send him a nice card.

If he’s treating you and your family like garbage, then why should you keep going around? You and your family are a packaged deal, you shouldn’t have to leave them at home just because your brother is a jerk.


#7

I’m going for my mom’s sake, but the reasons why you stated I shouldn’t go are the reasons why my dd isn’t going. And yes, my brother is a jerk, I’ve just been denying it for a long time.


#8

That’s fine that you’re going for your mom’s sake but please don’t let yourself become a doormat.

My husband is a total door mat to his mother so me and my kids often get dragged to family functions that we were otherwise not invited to but his mom wanted to have “everyone” together.

We always get the look from one step-SIL and “Oh, I didn’t know *you guys *were coming”… but my DH doesn’t want to hurt his mom’s feelings. Then step-SIL makes a big stink to my husbands mom and wants to know why we don’t like her. :frowning: She always acts like we’re best friends with MIL is in the room but when she’s gone, we better not even look at her. Sometimes I get resentful of DH to drag me and the kids into this situation.

A few weeks ago on Fathers Day, my mother in law talked my husband into going over there. We did have a pretty good time. My husband and I just played with our kids in the yard and stayed away from everyone else. Well, I didn’t know it but step-SIL had a nice new shiny pool setup. All the kids were swimming. My DD wanted to get in there so bad. Step-SIL kept saying mean things to her about “If we knew you were coming, we would have told you to bring your suit” and “too bad you can’t swim. all the other kids are having so much fun. OH well!!!” It broke my DD’s heart.

Sorry that I hijacked your thread. “Family” being mean to each other really bothers me.


#9

Ooh, I feel for you. My brother has no problem with telling me I should buy a house/condo (which I am saving for) yet he knows my income $18K b/c I work with my mom and his son is one of the children I watch (my dd too). I work with my mom b/c frankly her past assistants were horrible so I wanted to help. He acknowledges the fact that I am a help but then continues to state that his wfie has already exceeded my income in four months. I’m not envious (I’ll admit that I once was) but come on, don’t make comments like that in front of me and my mom (who’s in a financial strain herself), especially my mom. If I had the $40000 in savings that he has (which he also brags about) I’d give some to my mom to help her out instead of blatently bragging about it (especially b/c my mom charges him half the daycare fee for his son).:mad:


#10

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