I really could use some prayers please. This might be very scattered, I just need to get it out.
My cross is getting unbearably heavy, though I know it could be so much worse. I am afraid that by simply writing this that it will get worse.
I am going through an awful time emotionally, physically, and spiritually right now. I am being tempted and tried, I feel like God is a million miles away, I am physically very ill, and they can’t figure what’s wrong (besides the asthma.) I am in constant physical and emotional pain, I take all the meds they give me, which are doing nothing to relieve the symptoms only keeping me out of the hospital. I cannot work, I can barely do minimal housework, because of the physical illness. I cannot pray much at all, because of the mental and spiritual illness and trials. I feel so worthless and helpless and such a burden to everyone. So often I think about death, and how that would make things so much easier on everyone. I would never act on that. It just keeps running through my mind, as do the thoughts that I am bad and will never make it to heaven and that God sees me as a disappointment, is mad at me, etc, etc, etc. I hate Satan. I know that this is partially his fault. The other part is just being a human, a frail one at that.
Then the whole unable to have kids thing is unbearable right now. I know its for the best, I see it as providential right now, but its still heartbreaking. I am SO lonely. I fear that my husband will die too. He’s all I have in this big scary world. My family is so small, and my mother is pretty sick. She almost died last summer, and she’s the only one in the family I am close to. I thank God every day that I have with my husband, and for my mother’s condition stabilizing.
I have been sick since I was 7. I am now 25. I don’t think I will ever experience what it is like to be healthy and normal. Do you know what it’s like to be sick everysingleday of your life? Yes there’s better and worse days, but I am either physically or mentally ill, or, like now, both.
Nothing ever goes away, more gets added to the “cross.” I am being crushed under its weight and yet I know it could be so much worse. I have no idea who to turn to…why else would I be “publishing” this on the net. I am close to no priests here. I can’t trust just any of them. Most priests that I meet don’t understand mental illness. My family is far, but I do still see them. My darling husband is my best friend and spouse. I don’t know what I’d do without him. I hate being so sick in front of him. He is such a saint in caring for me without complaint. He is worried about me too, but, we’ve been to the doctors and there’s seemingly nothing more anyone can do.
So…long story short…I humbly ask for prayers…cause I no longer have the strength to pray for myself.