My dear friend is gay, and I need some advice

So one of my very best friends has come out as gay. We’ve discussed homosexuality years before, and he knows I stand with the Church’s teachings, which is homosexuality in and of itself isn’t a sin, but rather acting on those feelings is a sin. He’s not Catholic, but he’s attended Catholic school for most of his life and is one of those “not Catholic, doesn’t go to Mass on Sundays, but still kind of sort of follow the Church” kind of people if you know what I mean. He definitely believes in God, but I don’t know if he chooses to believe homosexuality is okay or not. To be completely honest, I’m not really surprised he’s gay. A bunch of people thought he was or might be years ago. Since “the seed has been planted” in terms of faith and Catholicism, I do have faith he might turn his life around eventually, and really find God, and stop acting on the homosexual feelings he has. I still love him to death, and he’s still one of my best friends. Now, aside from praying for him and being worried about his immortal soul, I’m pretty anxious about what to do if he brings a boyfriend around me, or even marries another man. As stated above, he knows where I stand with homosexual relationships, but does this mean I have to stop being his friend? Would I ever have to refuse to meet a boyfriend or maybe not attend a wedding if he has one? Obviously I would, if that’s the right thing to do. Even if I did attend a wedding of his, I would know it’s not a real marriage.

And on top of everything, I’m a little hurt he’s had boyfriends before and not told me. I know it wasn’t an easy thing for him to deal with, but I’m also kind of worried he thinks I no longer want to be his friend.

I still have high hopes he’s just going through a rebellious stage, but that might just be my denial talking.

I think attending a wedding of his is sinful because what your saying to him is that its valid, i would still be friends with him but not go to a wedding because your giving your consent to him.

I hope you will keep being his friend. You obviously care about him. If it were my friend, I would try to talk to him directly about some of the fears/anxieties that you are having. Good luck to you. Remember that gay people are just people like everyone else. As he is not Catholic, he may well not believe what the Catholic Church teaches about homosexuality.

But good enough friends could discuss all of these things honestly.

I have a good friend who is gay with a partner… I chose to be welcoming and friendly to the partner and he is a delightful person also. I don’t approve of the nature of their relationship, but I pray for them both and we get along well when we see each other (they now live far away). They know my beliefs and respect them even though they disagree.

I try to remember that I (and my husband) might be the only examples of faithful, loving, practicing Catholics they have. If I close that door, who will they have?

(And I am thankful that others were that witness to me when I was not trying to lead a holy life.)

You have a gay friend and your entire post is about you.


I didn’t really notice that about his post, but maybe the OP didn’t want to reveal much about his friend, to respect his friend’s privacy?

Because the question I asked was not about my friend who is gay, but rather about me and how I can continue to be his friend while still living out my faith. :slight_smile:


I agree with this. If you’re good friends, you should be able to talk about it honestly while trying to remain respectful of each other’s beliefs. Not talking about this issue if it concerns you would not be good for your friendship. I would also definitely avoid shunning his partner or significant other in any way. Good luck.

It can be challenging, but remember that friendship is a two-way street. Certainly you can love gay people unconditionally. But friends have to take you unconditionally as well. So if you are secure in your Catholic faith, and your friend cannot accept that aspect of your life, it may not work out on their end.

I have gay friends who accept me as a serious Catholic, but there are also gay people who have written me off because of it. As Thoroflr says, just be open and honest.

Here is a good movie from Blackstone Films, “The Third Way, homosexuality and the Catholic Church”

Hardly a surprise he didn’t tell you he had a boyfriend given that you had expressed your opinion about gays

Remove the plank from your own eye before pointing out the speck in another’s.

I think you should continue to love him as a friend as much as is possible. That is so important.

If his lifestyle causes you two to drift apart then it would be unfortunate but it happens sometimes between friends.

I hope all goes well and your friendship lasts.

Please pardon a short anecdote. I was reading an account of a man with children who had a neighbor who took a set against him for one reason or another and called child services for no other reason than to stir up trouble. Of course child services showed up because they have to take all reports seriously. In any case it was clear to the agent that there was no abuse going on but still had to disrupt the household in order to check off all the procedures. At one point he asked the reported man what he would do if he were in his shoes. The man replied plainly, “I would find another line of work before I was ordered to do something my conscience wouldn’t bear.”

And that is what is in play here. In all likelihood this friendship is spiraling toward a point in which you will have to choose between affirming a friend in his sin in order to keep him as a friend, or standing up for the Truth and risk losing him. In short, you will eventually be asked to murder your conscience to preserve a friendship.

Salutations in Christ,
Jesus said, “I have not come to save the church, but to save the taxpayer and the sinner.” I tried to find our new Bible resource and didn’t find it. Quote is close to what Jesus said. What would Jesus do? We are Jesus here on earth. We are His arms, legs, heart and mouth. Being His mouth, in your long term friendship, you implied you told him how you feel which means how the church feels.Jesus loves him.
As long as he knows of your love and beliefs you are Jesus. Wedding, I am not sure. I think the church would say no. WWJD? I wouldn’t go to his apt, especially if he is married. Meet at movies or dinner.
in Christ’s love

I’m wondering if you mean that all people who live their lives, and happen to not adhere to Roman Catholic teachings (members or not) should be shunned? That would seem to me to close the circle pretty tightly around a small group of people.

I don’t think so. From reading the OP, his friend understands what he believes and does not seem to have a problem with it.

OP - reassure him that of course you still want to be his friend. Tell him that you disagree with him having relationships, but he is more than just his sexual orientation.

I also had a friend come “out” to me. You may have noticed that my “religion” is Agnostic, so my opinion is different to yours, but the principle is the same. My friendship hasn’t changed and my friend’s sexual orientation hasn’t affected us. It’s just something about them, like their hair colour.

Your friend probably hasn’t told you about having boyfriends because he knows you disagree with it. Try not to mind that he doesn’t tell you. Coming “out” is so hard, and he did so to you even knowing your opinion.

And remember - he’s still the same person! It’s just a new fact.


Well quite. It’s about the only subject Vladimir Putin, ISIS and many Christian denominations have in common

Absolutely not. You should not reject someone because of their sexual orientation. And what sort of signal would that give him about the Church?

I wouldn’t, for the same reasons as above.

You should certainly refuse to attend this.

Why? The fact that he is your friend does not mean that he is obliged to tell you everything about himself.

That is up to you and how you chose to respond to him.

Personally I think you ought to respond to him honestly, but with charity, and treat him like a good friend.

Try this…


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