My father and gay pornography -- help needed


#1

Hi- I was hoping some of you could shed some light on something that I am struggling with. I have become aware that my father has gay pornography on his computer and has chats with other men online in an indecent manner. He also has met some of these men on occassion in person. He does not know that I know what he has been doing. I live in the same household and sometimes can’t even bear to look at him.

I am angry that he is doing this to my mother and sometimes almost just blow up and expose him for what he has been doing. I used to be closer with my Dad but I keep a fair distance from him since I have seen his hipocracy and disgusting behavior.

Please help. What should I do? Do I confront him? Do I just try to keep peace in the home and pray that he overcomes this? Anyone else have a similar situation?

Thanks in advance.


#2

[quote=mikey1]Hi- I was hoping some of you could shed some light on something that I am struggling with. I have become aware that my father has gay pornography on his computer and has chats with other men online in an indecent manner. He also has met some of these men on occassion in person. He does not know that I know what he has been doing. I live in the same household and sometimes can’t even bear to look at him.

I am angry that he is doing this to my mother and sometimes almost just blow up and expose him for what he has been doing. I used to be closer with my Dad but I keep a fair distance from him since I have seen his hipocracy and disgusting behavior.

Please help. What should I do? Do I confront him? Do I just try to keep peace in the home and pray that he overcomes this? Anyone else have a similar situation?

Thanks in advance.
[/quote]

Mikey,
FIrst pray for your father.

Second go to www.dads.org
Steve Wood has excellent resources that will deal not just with pornography but the gay situations as well.

I will also pray for you and your situation!

Go with God!
Edwin


#3

Mikey,

In addition to dads.org, check out the Courage Apostolate www.couragerc.org (to help those with same sex attractions).


#4

Praying and reading about it further are important, but you must talk to him.

If he’s like someone I know, he’ll deny it and probably stop for some time before it starts again - thinking you and no one else knows. If that happens, bring it up again. Let him know you love him and want to help him to make it into heaven - the family’s job as a whole.

Once he does admit it, he may not care to stop. Not much you can do here, but ask that he respect you and your mother. I think at that point, you’ve got to tell your mother as well.

Finally, hopefully, he’ll come to see that your interest isn’t threatening and is truly in his best interest (becoming a saint). Hopefully he will admit to having a problem and ask for your help and any other help you can give him. This is where the websites and reading come in. Most importantly though, are the sacraments. If he can, he should try to go to daily mass and confession at least weekly if not more frequently. Over time he’ll find that those same impure thoughts come less and less frequently and those urges will subside.

Good luck and God Bless.
HW


#5

As the family unit goes through this time of crisis, pray that the Lord brings your family closer together.
DO NOT BLAME Yourself for this condition that your father has gotten himself into.
We are in prayer for you.

Go with God!
Edwin


#6

He could have a sexual addiction. Someone can have a sexual addiction with members of the same sex but not be “gay”.

Patrick Carns has a website with the signs and an assessment “test”. You can also get in touch with sex and love addicts anonymous via the internet.

How long have you known about this behavior and how long do you think it has been going on? The fact that you’re “finding” this stuff now might be a subconscience cry for help on your father’s part. He does need to be confronted before he engages in anymore risky encounters. If he has been exposed to HIV or other STD’s then he can be passing them onto your mom. The behavior has to stop NOW. Pray as to how to bring this up with your dad. Your mom has a right to know what’s going on. I’m sorry this burden has fallen on you.

I do have someone in my family that has a sexual addiction. Once it was out in the open he was/is able to deal with it. He told me there are alot of men struggling with this, they are not gay or bisexual, just addicted.

I’m praying for you and your family. God Bless!


#7

Mikey:
So sorry to hear this tragic story. You must be having some real bad feelings about your dad.
Just look up some of these web sites…and Pray, Pray, Pray…and wait on Jesus for the answer. Don’t do anything until you receive an answer…you’ll want to be sure to do God’s will and noone else’s.
You are in my prayers…and I ask the Holy Spirit to guide your heart.
Snuffy


#8

Thank you all for your kind advice and direction. This really is a wonderful caring group.

God Bless you all.


#9

My father is going through the same thing. He and my mother have been married for 35 years. They have 6 children, I’m number 2. The youngest is 17. He has AIDS and is still married to my mother. The family is dealing with this in many different ways: some have sought counseling, others suffer in other ways. Unfortunately, it seems myself, my husband and my mother are the only ones turning to God. Dad was getting therapy, but has stopped due to a lack of insurance coverage. I would love to talk more about this with anyone who is willing. Today is my first day posting with these forums. If you don’t want to talk, please, please pray!

Jenny


#10

Mike and Jenny,

You have my prayers and my deepest affections. My daughters’ dad is now openly homosexual. I regret that the community we lived in at the time helped reinforce the idea that this is a “good thing,” and that I was not Catholic at the time. The Church helps immensely, believe me! But my daughters did not experience the Church’s teachings, and now the moral confusion I see in them breaks my heart.

Your dads are very lucky that you do know the difference between sin and righteousness and that you care for their personal integrity here on earth. Even if they are unable to recognize this right now, I will tell you so – they are very very blessed men.

Mike, I didn’t catch your age. How you address your dad is gong to depend largely on how old you are. If you’re legally an adult, you can approach things differently than if you were underage. A psychologist told my ex-husband that it was absolutely necessary to our daughters’ emotional well-being to know who he was, really, without pretense; they had, like you, pretty much figured things out for themselves, but his admission brought them closer and resolved some conflicts the girls had had in their own minds about certain issues they were dealing with. I hope your dad has the courage to be honest with himself and with you – and that that honesty leads ultimately to deliverance, but that may not be the situation, and there’s nothing in this world you can do to change that fact.

Jenny, you and your mom and all your family are in my prayers. My cousin married a lovely young woman whose dad died of AIDS right after their wedding; the family is still in terrible pain over that situation.

I just said a few minutes ago in another thread that I observed, when my ex-husband came out of the closet, it seems as if all the demons of hell tried to attach themselves to him, his basic personality and character so quickly and dramatically altered. Another psychologist of my acquaintance tells me this is too common a lament of other families as they observe their loved ones sink deeper into sin. You may observe something similar.

Be sure to add the Prayer to St. Michael the Archangel when you pray for your dads!

May God bless you and give you all wisdom and discernment.


#11

Thank you for your response. I hope I did not offend anyone by talking so open about this.


#12

I am certain that God will reward you all for your courage! Do not be afraid, He is with you.

Pax Christi


#13

We join together in prayer for your father, you, and your family.

One challenge we have as Christians is to forgive. Tammy Fae Baker once said that there are Christians who think some others’ sins are worse than their own. At some level of Christian maturity we are eager to forgive others as quickly as possible because we know that we too are sinners. And, indeed, that is a big theme in the prayer that Jesus taught us to pray.

One serious aspect of this situation is to consider if there is a chance that harm might come to someone. If that is the case, you should seek assistance of a trustworthy priest or even one of those support groups for families and friends of gays and lesbians. Certainly, any harmful situation should be defused as quickly as possible, including any sort of hate-crime situation.

Such a situation certainly stirs up very deep emotions and you must come to terms with them for your own well being. You are important.


#14

Wow! My heart and prayers go out to you!

I went through a situation four years ago where my father was having an affair with a woman my age (I’m 33). I confronted him and told him I thought it was very unfair and asked him to sort it out, but he denied anything was going on- I positively knew it was.

I went to my Priest in the end out of desperation and during confession blabbed the whole thing. Of course, I was feeling betrayed as well as feeling my mum had been betrayed as well. He was fantastic and very wise.

With this as my experience in matters such as this I would suggest you confront him. It won’t be nice, but it might make him aware of the damage he is doing to himself and all of you. If he loves you I pray he’ll have enough sense to do something about it. I think you’re angry and let down and I think he should know that and take some responsibility for his actions.

Good luck & God Bless any way!


#15

My prayers for all of you—and for the souls of your loved ones. We may not see the results of prayer in the time frame we’re looking for–so always remember to ask for God’s mercy for all of eternity.


#16

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