My fiance's parents refuse our mariage - please give advices


#1

Hello fellow catholics,

I am new to this forum. After alot of prayers and talk with my own familly, I turn myself to this forums for support. Here is my story.

I am a 25 years old caucasian man and I met a 26 year old chinese girl 4 months ago on an online dating site. She lives in Toronto and I live in Ottawa (about 5 hours drive), which makes it for the moment a long distance relationship. My main goal in life is to find a loving wife, marry and have a familly. I can describe myself as a man for who his loved one counts more than anything. Everything between us is going great, she has a very huge hearth, we share alot of things.

The problem is the following. Before she met me, this girl was in a relationship with a white man for 4 years. Her familly accepted him, she saw herself getting engaged and married to him and have children, but it never came. In the end, that man discovered he was not happy with her and needed more adventure in his life, so he broke up with her. She was very hurt and begged him to stay with her, but it didnt work in the end.

Her parents are currently in another country running a store to support themselves and their 4 children. They have made alot of sacrifices and her mom refuses our relationship on the basis that im not chinese. I have started taking mandarin classes in order to show my good intentions, and even wrote a letter to her mom saying that what happened with that other guy in the past was unfortunate, that i realize she wants whats best for her children, and that It would be an honor for me to meet her. But my girlfriend refused reading it to her yet as she thinks her mother needs time and is too stressed.

Now, two weeks ago, I proposed to my girlfriend to get engaged and she accepted. She is very enthusiastic about it. The issue is, her familly pressures makes her worry alot. I listen to her about it and try to tell her that no matter what her mother says, she will always be her daugther and that eventually they will come around accepting us. My fiancee garantees me she will not abandon the relationship, but the degree to which she is affected worries me. I am anxious by nature, so this doesn’t help.

Right now, since her parents are in another country, she has to stay in Toronto to take care of her younger brother (16 years old). She wants to come live with me as soon as possible in Ottawa but she is waiting a bit to try to ease it on her parents and also so that her little brother gets his driving license. Every weekend, one of us takes the bus to see the other. She says that at the latest, she will come live with my in january next year.

What mindset should I adopt about this? She is everything to me, I do not want to lose her, I can barely do my days at work. Any suggestions? Prayers are welcome too!


#2

[quote="Modestman12, post:1, topic:206941"]
Hello fellow catholics,

I am new to this forum. After alot of prayers and talk with my own familly, I turn myself to this forums for support. Here is my story.

I am a 25 years old caucasian man and I met a 26 year old chinese girl 4 months ago on an online dating site. She lives in Toronto and I live in Ottawa (about 5 hours drive), which makes it for the moment a long distance relationship. My main goal in life is to find a loving wife, marry and have a familly. I can describe myself as a man for who his loved one counts more than anything. Everything between us is going great, she has a very huge hearth, we share alot of things.

The problem is the following. Before she met me, this girl was in a relationship with a white man for 4 years. Her familly accepted him, she saw herself getting engaged and married to him and have children, but it never came. In the end, that man discovered he was not happy with her and needed more adventure in his life, so he broke up with her. She was very hurt and begged him to stay with her, but it didnt work in the end.

Her parents are currently in another country running a store to support themselves and their 4 children. They have made alot of sacrifices and her mom refuses our relationship on the basis that im not chinese. I have started taking mandarin classes in order to show my good intentions, and even wrote a letter to her mom saying that what happened with that other guy in the past was unfortunate, that i realize she wants whats best for her children, and that It would be an honor for me to meet her. But my girlfriend refused reading it to her yet as she thinks her mother needs time and is too stressed.

Now, two weeks ago, I proposed to my girlfriend to get engaged and she accepted. She is very enthusiastic about it. The issue is, her familly pressures makes her worry alot. I listen to her about it and try to tell her that no matter what her mother says, she will always be her daugther and that eventually they will come around accepting us. My fiancee garantees me she will not abandon the relationship, but the degree to which she is affected worries me. I am anxious by nature, so this doesn't help.

Right now, since her parents are in another country, she has to stay in Toronto to take care of her younger brother (16 years old). She wants to come live with me as soon as possible in Ottawa but she is waiting a bit to try to ease it on her parents and also so that her little brother gets his driving license. Every weekend, one of us takes the bus to see the other. She says that at the latest, she will come live with my in january next year.

What mindset should I adopt about this? She is everything to me, I do not want to lose her, I can barely do my days at work. Any suggestions? Prayers are welcome too!

[/quote]

First mistake: the bolded part. As a Catholic, you are not supposed to cohabit; even if you do not fornicate, it can give the appearance of scandal. Doing things the "proper way" may help earn points with the parents. If you are fornicating at her place and the younger brother reports back to her parents, well, all I can say is that is not the way to get on a parent's good side.

Is she Catholic?

Other than that, you may just have to accept the fact that there will be cultural differences and it may take a long while before you can break through the barriers. Did her parents meet you yet?


#3

[quote="Modestman12, post:1, topic:206941"]

I am a 25 years old caucasian man and I met a 26 year old chinese girl 4 months ago on an online dating site. She lives in Toronto and I live in Ottawa (about 5 hours drive).

Now, two weeks ago, I proposed to my girlfriend to get engaged and she accepted. She is very enthusiastic about it.

[LEFT]Right now, since her parents are in another country, she has to stay in Toronto to take care of her younger brother (16 years old). She wants to come live with me as soon as possible in Ottawa but she is waiting a bit to try to ease it on her parents and also so that her little brother gets his driving license. Every weekend, one of us takes the bus to see the other. She says that at the latest, she will come live with my in january next year.[/LEFT]

What mindset should I adopt about this? She is everything to me, I do not want to lose her, I can barely do my days at work. Any suggestions? Prayers are welcome too!

[/quote]

So she abandons the 16 year old for an entire weekend to see you? Who watches the brother? Where will the brother live if she MOVES IN WITH YOU? Will you be married when she moves in, or will you be cohabitating?

This all sounds very immature of you.


#4

She is not a catholic, neither is her familly, but they are conservative regarding familly and mariage.

I have met all of her familly, including her dad. He asked questions in chinese and it was very formal. He insisted we should take our time and not do things just for fun. My fiance was very apprehensive of her dad reaction but at the end, after I told how serious I was and what my values were, he seemed to go with it not too bad. The unexpected reaction was her mom's. She said she feels betrayed by my fiancee and that she wasted her efforts on her. It was surprising because we thought her dad would have been the hard one...

I do not know what to do.


#5

[quote="Catholic90, post:3, topic:206941"]
So she abandons the 16 year old for an entire weekend to see you? Who watches the brother? Where will the brother live if she MOVES IN WITH YOU? Will you be married when she moves in, or will you be cohabitating?

This all sounds very immature of you.

[/quote]

They are four siblings: an older brother (28 years old) in Toronto, her (26), her sister (21) and her younger brother (21). They are all in Toronto. Their grandparents (85 and 86) lives in Toronto too and she has to take care of them occasionally. The middle generation is outside the country (her parents). Her older brother just married and lives his own life about 30 minutes from the familly house where her and her younger brother are.

The plan would be that she comes live with me at latest january 2011, and we would marry around may 2011.


#6

[quote="Modestman12, post:5, topic:206941"]
The plan would be that she comes live with me at latest january 2011, and we would marry around may 2011.

[/quote]

How about the plan would be you marry around May 2011 and she comes live with you around May 2011 as well.


#7

[quote="Catholic90, post:6, topic:206941"]
How about the plan would be you marry around May 2011 and she comes live with you around May 2011 as well.

[/quote]

I wouldn't have a problem with that except the wait would be a bit hard on my feelings. But that does not resolve the issues with my inlaws, does it?


#8

[quote="Modestman12, post:7, topic:206941"]
I wouldn't have a problem with that except the wait would be a bit hard on my feelings. But that does not resolve the issues with my inlaws, does it?

[/quote]

It would for me. I would have a hard time accepting you if you wanted to shack up with my daughter before getting married. I think they will gain respect for you if you guys make it clear that you are following the rules of your religion.

Another issue, is she willing to become Catholic? You will be required to raise the children Catholic. This could be very difficult if your wife is not also Catholic. Mixed (religion) marriages can be very difficult. It is best if you get everything out on the table before you get married.


#9

[quote="Modestman12, post:7, topic:206941"]
I wouldn't have a problem with that except the wait would be a bit hard on my feelings. But that does not resolve the issues with my inlaws, does it?

[/quote]

If she comes and lives with you before you two are married then that will make things a million times worse between you and your fiancées family as you are disrespecting their daughter and their family, not to mention living in sin as they used to call it.

If you tried to do that with my daughter I would never be able to accept you as part of my family.

Then you have the whole issue of her needing to promise to raise the children Catholic before you can even think about marrying her.


#10

I would give this one up and look in Catholic waters for a wife. Also, I would never cohabit before marriage. That's a no-no. If you keep along your present line, you may be a little lonely for a little longer, but you'll be miserable in the long term. Almost guaranteed. Take the Sacrament of marriage seriously, and God will help you. Long term you'll be far happier and at peace.


#11

Firstly;

You should make it clear from the outset your position on Religion; particularily the Religion of your (future) Children. It would be good; although not-necessary if she could convert.

You should not cohabit before you are married; this is not only bad from your own perspective (as a Catholic) it also sends a message to her parents that a) you don't respect them, and b) you don't respect your own religion. This would not be a good thing.

You should send a letter to her parents; or explain to them that their bias against you based upon your skin colour is unwarrented; in fact - demonstrating this in actions by behaving chivalrously and respectfully towards them and their daughter will speak louder than any excuse.

Furthermore; don't rush it.

:thumbsup:


#12

Okay, thanks to everyone for their replies.

I want to specify that to me, I do not care if my fiance does not convert to catholicism, I respect freedom of thought. It is her I love and I do not want to meet someone new.
I like the idea of writing a letter, as I said, it has already been written, it just need to be sent or read via phone to her mother.I wonder if waiting to be married before living togheter would really change anything for her parents seeing how the heart of her disagreement are racist prejudices? The only argument her mother has is that I am non chinese, and that non-chinese men are non reliable and tend to divorce easily if things go wrong.


#13

All I know about chinese culture is that it is based on respect for your elders or family. If you really love this girl you're going to have to wrap your head around this idea and find someway to earn their respect. That may involve patience such as waiting to be married before living together. Why can't you be married in January by the way...why must you wait till May? If it's a big ceremony you want you can always have a simply wedding and then do a big party later unless she's just determined to have a big wedding....just an idea. The mother may be over protective and just worried about her daughter....needing time to accept you. I would do things the traditional way and give the lady some time, space and the opportunity to see that you're not just going to run off and leave her daughter like the previous guy did.


#14

The reason the mother doesn't like white men is because they do not respect the parents of their girlfriends the same way a Chinese boy would and do things like live with their daughters without marrying them. It's not racism its the negative behaviours and lack of respect and morals so many white men display.


#15

Maybe a good thing to show respect for your fiancees culture is not to just take her to Roman Catholic Churches - but also take her to Eastern Catholic Churches - especially if you can find ones with large Chinese populations. Often with larger cities that have "China towns" you can find them. You could also introduced her to (someone help me please) sme of the Chinese Saints. Even if she does not convert they are things that further show respect for bridging the cultures not and I respect yours but teach mine. Also if the people at the Church look like her, talk like her, she may be more inclined to believe that they can think like her.


#16

Given that you've stated that you intend your fiance to move in with you before marriage, I'm hardly surprised that her parents dislike you and think you are using her. My Chinese mother would most certainly not have approved of my doing such a thing. I remember her telling me that she would disown me if I moved in with a man without being married to him. :eek: If her parents are very traditional and conservative I bet they feel the same way. *They are not prejudiced, they are disapproving because they see that you do not respect their daughter the way that you should. * If you are wanting to "shack up" without the benefit of marriage, how does that show her mother that you are responsible and reliable? I bet that looks to her mom like you are just using her daughter. No mother would want to see a guy treat her daughter that way. I know in our secular western culture living together without being married is no big deal, but it is definitely still a big deal for Chinese - and it should be for Catholics, I might add.

If you are causing her to neglect her family responsibilities (her younger brother) for your sake, that makes things even worse. Family is very important in Chinese culture. You need to come to terms with that and acknowledge it. Show respect and you will be far more likely to be treated the same.


#17

I am willing to show the due respect to her familly, thats why I talked upfront about the fact I was serious and why we got engaged.

I would have no problems marrying before moving in togheter, but I am unsure weither that would help at this point. She told her brothers and sister about our engagement, and her work collegues, but hasnt told her parents yet about it seeing how they would probably explode even more. Also, her parents do not know about our plan to move in togheter late on this year. Her mom simply refuses our union based on the fact I am white. Her mom says she is angry she doesn't listen to her, and if she calls home and my fiance is at my place visiting she will ask her if she was over at my place.

I do agree that they do not want me to use their daughter, but how can I prove my good intentions beside what I already did?

  • I am already learning mandarin
  • We are engaged
  • I am waiting on her and keeping it long distance until she is freed from the responsabilities she has towards her younger brother.

#18

This is the red flag you will look back on with regret, for not having heeded it. Do you really think her parents are suddenly going to change their minds the moment you say "I do"? What's happening now is going to become the story of the rest of your life. Caring for **and obeying **her parents, grandparents, brother, and so on, because they will always come first for her, and you will always take the back seat. Don't tell me you can't see that. And if her mother already doesn't like you because you are Caucasian, then what sort of grandmother are you choosing for your future half-white children? Do you really want your children to have a babysitter who is a racist? Wake up.

And listen: the choice to separate herself from her parents is her choice, not yours. You are not just marrying a girl, you are marrying into a family. Make it easy on her and end the relationship, and explain to her that it's because her parents don't fully accept you. Do not make trouble for yourself because you are in love with the idea of marital bliss. Learning Mandarin is not going to solve anything.

Don't you *dare *live together before marriage. If you do, you will only be proving her mother's point about white men. And religion obviously means nothing to you, because not only are you willing to go against your own religion by ignoring 2000 years of good advice with regard to cohabitation and the religion of the spouse, but also you are willing to create a religiously mixed home into which you will be bringing your own children, and you are blind to what will come of that fact starting in the very near future. You are so short-sighted that you even make a cowardly excuse by appealing to her family's social conservatism as if that made a difference. All because it would be hard on your delicate, boyish feelings to wait to fulfill your main goal in life to find a loving wife, marry and have a family. You are a naive and therefore dangerous idealist and I would not permit you to court my daughter. Little boys like you end up divorced, and you will force your children to pay the price for your selfish romanticism.

It is no accident that up to this point every single response you have received has been along the same lines. The solution to your problem is clear to all of us except you. Why?


#19

Apollos is right listen to him.


#20

Dear OP,

if you really love this girl, I don't think you should back down because one of her parents doesn't accept you.
I don't see why a mom should be imposing on a 26-year-old adult, the kind of man she should marry. That is very unfair. It doesn't really surprise me because I know that there are some parents who don't really know or care about what is actually good for their children. All they care about is their ideology.

Imagine a princess who wants to marry a poor illiterate boy (with a rich personality). Do you think her parents will (easily) give them their blessings?
Some parents are just narrow-minded.:(

Modestman12, the only problem I have with your relationship with this girl is that, it seems to be moving toooooooooooo fast. It's just 4 months since you guys met and are already engaged and planning to get married. Wow!!!:eek:

This is just one of the problems with online dating and other forms of speed dating -- the relationship becomes too physical too fast.

Chill man! You barely know this girl let alone her family. 4 months of dating is nothing.

I suggest reading the book "If You Really Loved Me" by Jason Evert. It is geared towards teens and young adults like you and me.

It covers some very important topics like dating & courtship, preparing for marriage etc. What the other posters have already said about cohabitation can also be found there.

If God really wants you to marry this lady, then you will marry her. Make sure God is guiding your choice. Seek God's approval. If God can approve your relationship with this girl, then her parents wouldn't be an issue. However, it is a slow process. You need to take your time.

You also need to read about disparity of cult in the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

Dating formula: Friendship -> Relationship -> Engagement -> Marriage.
What about spending 1 year each on the first three? (Just my opinion)


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