My friend won't listen


#1

I told my friend she shouldn’t move in with her fiance. But typically this is what she tells me. I told her was committing adultery.

Here’s what she told me. She contradicts herself in this statement here.

“i have a past that is unbelievable to some and this isn’t the first time i have done something against the will of the lord. I do love him, but He is still there for me. i know it is wrong to move in before marriage, but for the both of us rightnow. it isn’t about being in a relationship (even though we are) it is about us getting some of our finances taken care of and to help me move on with a life that has been dragging me down. i will keep you posted and talk to you. but things are ok. but right now he is all i have out here. when i get my job things will be even better because then i won’t have to depend on him so much. but for now we are doing well. i know it will be a difficult experience because it is different than living with friends, family and even a person from college. actually we are living together. of course it isn’t scary or something that isn’t good. it is just the first week.


#2

When people use the finance argument - I often say a long time ago when Americans were very poor - like during the depression -nobody was moving in together before marriage so why now?

Also, if it is really financial, then get several persons of the same sex, and hopefully friends, to share expenses and really save more money if that is the real intent. Or you could just live at home.

It’s too convenient to always blame expenses and finance as the reason to impair you soul and quite possibly your relationship.


#3

Why not just get married?

That’s what you should be asking her. Every excuse, ask “why not just get married”

Ultimately it comes down to either she knows in her heart she doesn’t want to marry him or she doesn’t want kids…and both of those reasons are good excuses to never get married to him.


#4

I can somewhat sympathize with how your friend is feeling but good on you for telling her what she needs to hear.

It’s not as simple as just getting married. Is her boyfriend catholic? Is she worried she will lose him if she doesn’t go ahead with plans on moving in? She should obviously have a serious discussion with her boyfriend about marriage.

I moved in with my boyfriend under many of these conditions, before we even got engaged. He isn’t Catholic. I was so into him, that I didn’t want to put anything in the way of our relationship ( that is how my thinking was ). So we bought a condo together and got engaged a year after that. My godmother told me I should move out. I knew it was wrong but I figured it would be corrected by marriage eventually. I didn’t want to push marriage on my boyfriend.

Anyways, my boyfriend is my husband now and I know him so much better. I realised that I should have just told him it was wrong for us to move in together and that we should get married ( even if it felt early ). I am 100% sure now that had I just braved the truth, he would have understood and we would have gotten married earlier and gone about the whole process the way God wants us to. We have to trust in Him.


#5

She’s not Catholic.


#6

Is she Christian? Why does she think it is wrong to move in before marriage?


#7

Yes she is Christian but not Catholic.


#8

Keep trying with her :slight_smile: I had a friend who was planning on having an abortion and I was extremely concerned and I didn’t care about offending her at such a difficult time. I told her it was absolutely wrong and I would help her bring the baby to full term. She was even engaged at the time. She is a non practising Orthodox Christian. She went ahead with abortion and said she understood where I was coming from. We are still very good friends and she doesn’t take offence at my talks to her about not doing it.

I guess you cannot fix a mistake like having an abortion. You sort of can fix cohabitating.

How long has she been dating this guy?


#9

I told her pretty much what you said. Here’s the response.

“There are a bunches of choices that as time goes on we will have to decide what will be best for the both of us (either together or apart). I love him with all my heart and I know that what we are doing and how we are persuing our lives is very different from most, but it is a choice I made and that will not regret. I will learn from this and grow each day as everything happens. I am an extremely open person, and I love this opportunity to be with him, learn about his culture, learn about what makes him who he is and who he always will be. Him and one of his close friends was over last night and we had a discussion about some of their holidays and what they do to actually sacafrice and everything like that. I am a major supporter of people practicing their own beliefs as long as they do not force me to do something I do not want to do. And he is just that way. He does his thing and I do mine. I know it is hard and it will get harder the closer we get to one another.”

That’s not all

“My boyfriend is a good man and has been through a lot with me in the 2 years that I have known him. I have been with him for 1 year and half, part of which i lived in Indiana. He has a lot going for him and I know that being with him is the right thing. If I did not feel comfortable about this situation I would not have moved in the first place. Through our converstations he helped me understand that yes this is a big step, but it is an important step for both of us. It shows our committment to one another and the future that we both want. I care about him deeply and I know he cares about me. We show it to each other in different ways and that is because of our major background differences. Nick, I want you to know that I did not go into this blindly. I know the rules of the churches and how things work with God. I moved in with my boyfriend for me than finances. I am not that silly. He and I had a very long talk about this moving in together and having a relationship. And what we talked about was just having each other close, working on paying off some bills, and then we would have time for everything that we are wanting, possibly a house one day, kids, and or the chance for him to move back home (to africa).”

This lady is horribly confused.


#10

Agreed! Aside from the issues of morality and public scandal–something which many young co-habitors never consider is that they cheat themselves out of that joyful and amazing experience of moving in and making a home together once they have married. It is a privilege of marriage and should not be cheapened by trial runs with partners to whom you have no life-long commitment. If you’ve floated from living with boyfriend after boyfriend–what can possibly seem new and special about that first home you and your future husband share. Cheaper utility bills or shared rent hardly makes up for the loss of sharing that special experience with one’s spouse.


#11

Just keep praying for her. She does not seem to be listening to you but she IS listening…she is not doing what you tell her to to, there is a difference. You are making an impact by just telling her this is wrong, it is more than most people do in this day and age! She is a grown woman making this choice. Keep contact with her though…you can still be her friend without showing support for her decision. You can meet her for lunch but avoid going over to her apartment. If you do decide to visit her apartment try not to say encouraging things like “this place is cute” or some such thing.

Another matter…not to be picky but your friend is not committing the sin of adultery…she is committing the sin of fornication (just an FYI that’s all).

I will pray for you, it’s hard to watch someone you care about do things like this. Prayer will help, it really will eventually.


#12

I guess this may sound harsh, but maybe you should remind her that she certainly won’t have to worry about finances and “paying off bills” anymore when she’s in Hell for committing a mortal sin. She’ll have much more serious things to worry about. :frowning:

Sometimes I think we need to quit beating around the bush with people and remind them of the real consequences of their sinful decisions.


#13

She obviously just thinks everything will work out in the end, and it feels right, so therefore it is right. Or she is ignoring that it is bad and hopes it will all rectify itself in the end.

I wonder what his culture things about co-habitation? Our North American culture thinks it’s ok. Followers of Christ don’t.

Sometimes finances have a stonger association with co-habitation than other times and in this case, it doesn’t seem to me much about finances.

Where was she living before moving in? With roomates? At home?

I know when I moved out of my parents house, I was 20. They were very unsupportive of me living at home, even while I was a college student. I scraped by with other poor students and we all shared a house. I had a good job when I met my bf and although the finances helped when we moved in together, I was doing just fine on my own.


#14

This is what saddened me so much when I learned that both of my siblings decided to premaritally cohabit (DH and I did not live together before marriage).

The entire experience of the nuptial Mass, moving in with my husband, and finally sharing ourselves (we were both virgins) is something I thank my husband, and God, for all the time!

I wish everyone could have that. :love:


#15

She said,

“After my battle with major depression this is the first time with every choice that I have made, that I am happy with the way things are going and I know that there is so much potential for me out here.”

and

"Telling someone they are going to hell for one choice like this is just silly. I mean I am not telling you that you are going to hell for anything you are doing. "

She doesn’t believe in hell apparently and calls herself “Christian.”

And.

“I am not a case where you can convince me that what I am doing is wrong and that I am going to hell for this choice.”

Apparently a major overreaction. Isn’t it amazing how people like this who claim to be “inclusive.”

But here’s the sinker.

“Please take your bible and your beliefs and talk to someone else about that, do not talk to me any more about this. You are a sad individual”

She thinks that I’m one of these ‘bible believing fundamentalists’.

“There isn’t anything that you need to feel sorry for. I am happy. I am not blindly happy, but I am truly happy for the first time in 3years.”

Minds like this are impervious to logic and reason.


#16

You just described roughly 95% of the general population. :wink:

I know how frustrating it can be, trying to argue against premarital cohabitation.

You’re doing the right thing – But of course you don’t need me to tell you that. :smiley:


#17

I didn’t mention a bible verse. All I did was tell her it was a sin.


#18

:confused:

Sorry, I don’t know where the Bible verse thing came from. :smiley:

I don’t say anything about religion or the Bible when confronting these issues, either, since the people I know are fairly secular. I agree that logic is the best way! :thumbsup:


#19

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.