My gay friend is marrying a woman


#1

My best friend is gay, but he’s also a Catholic. He’s still in the closet but confided in me a few years ago that he’s gay. He’s attracted to men since a young age but he’s been trying hard to cover it. Due to family expectations, he’s been dating this female friend for a few year. They’ve broken up a couple of times, but finally decided to get married in a few months time. The way I see it, they are more like good friends than a couple. However, he believes that being gay is a sin and that male & female marriage is part of his catholic committments and hence decided to walk down this path.

I’m not sure if I should interfere, afterall, it’s his life and what he chose to do. Personally I don’t think this is the right thing to do and it’s deceitful to the people around him and also the girl, who has no idea about this.

I remember reading on a Catholic website a couple of years ago about homosexuality in Catholism - that it’s not a Sin and Catholic accepts that some people maybe gay. But it also mentions that these people shall not get married to the opposite sex and should remain single for the rest of their life. I could not remember where I see this, and have been looking around a bit but couldn’t find the website. I wish to show it to my friend and let him re-consider what he’s doing - can anyone point me to a similar infomration site on the topic?


#2

While I do not have the answer, I will keep you and your friend in my prayers.

Maybe you should talk to him about how you feel in a loving way. He may appreciate your honesty. If he does not follow your advice, you will at least know that you talked to him about how you felt about the situation. It would just be unfortunate for him to marry this woman if he truely does not love her. I hope that through prayer you will find the answers you need.

Kerri :slight_smile:


#3

I agree that voicing your concerns to him would be a good idea in a situation this serious. My mom's first marriage was to a man who turned out to be gay, and of course they ended up divorcing over it and another issue his parents also knew about but didn't tell her until after it was all over. It was horrible and she still cries about it over 40 years later. Honestly, if there were any way to warn the fiance without automatically destroying your friendship I would be very tempted. Few people are willing to cross that privacy boundary though. I just feel so horrible for her that she is about to go headfirst into what is almost certainly going to be a long, trying, doomed-from-the-start ordeal with a husband who doesn't actually love her and never really can. It's unspeakably tragic.


#4

Say something, to your friend. Don’t out him but give consideration to the future wife.


#5

This is a very difficult situation.

You definitely need to speak with your friend as to his intentions on whether he is marrying this woman for the right reasons. It sounds as if he were marrying her in large part out of expectations. Instead of a total self-giving in marriage it sounds as if he is using her. Though this is unfortunately common that doesn't make it acceptable. Additionally from what you say he is not being honest with her. She will not be going into this marriage with a full understanding of the challenges she will be facing. If your friend can confide his SSA to you but not share it with the woman he is to marry then he trusts you more than her.


#6

Talk directly to him. Please encourage him to have a talk with his future wife about his attractions. While avoiding sin is admirable avoiding the Cross you are given by tossing it squarely on to the shoulders of a wife and family is not. However, if he does feel that he loves this woman to some degree that is appropriate and she is aware of it and it is something that they have discerned together than you should be there for both of them in prayer, friendship, and babysitting.


#7

I agree with you. Its not fair on the girl.

Homosexuality / Gender identity deficit is not just about feeling attracted to one’s own gender but about not having succesfully integrated one’s own gender identity in early childhood, due to family dynamics and insecure attachment etc, and alot of difficult emotional problems accompany men who suffer from ssa.

Your friend might be able to marry and have a successful heterosexual relationship in some years but he first needs to understand his disorder by going to therapy to understand the sources of it, and how to diminish the effects of the damage done…
what he is really craving for is masculinity which he - through no fault of his own - has not internalised in early childhood…
that crave for masculinity and acceptance, and feeling of low self esteem that comes with the disorder will not go away.
Its likely that he has suffered from sexual compulsion - trying to obtain the perceived lack of masculinity by means of severel homo-erotic relationships in the past, and that alone is a very important fact to share with his future bride. She has a right to know about such things and choose if she can live with that.

If someone suffered from any other emotional/ psychological disorder - or physical illness -you would also demand they should be honest about it with their partner before trapping them into a marriage, which might not even be valid if such important information is withheld.
It’s gravely unethical of your friend, and I don’t understand if he can be cynical enough to bring a woman into such a situation.

The way I see it, you are in the difficult situation of knowing this secret, and that means you are maybe the only one to give him the news flash, that either he tells his fiancee, or you have to. In that same discussion you can tell him that there are quite a few good therapists who help people struggling with ssa to actually become heterosexual…
He has a chance of this also.
But he has to start with honesty towards himself and significant others in his life.

Peace to you.

narth.com/ You can give this to your friend: It’s a web page explaining about the reasons, facts and treatment of same sex attraction.


#8

[quote="GraceDK, post:7, topic:227493"]
I agree with you. Its not fair on the girl.

Homosexuality / Gender identity deficit is not just about feeling attracted to one's own gender but about not having succesfully integrated one's own gender identity in early childhood, due to family dynamics and insecure attachment etc, and alot of difficult emotional problems accompany men who suffer from ssa.

Your friend might be able to marry and have a successful heterosexual relationship in some years but he first needs to understand his disorder by going to therapy to understand the sources of it, and how to diminish the effects of the damage done..
what he is really craving for is masculinity which he - through no fault of his own - has not internalised in early childhood..
that crave for masculinity and acceptance, and feeling of low self esteem that comes with the disorder will not go away.
Its likely that he has suffered from sexual compulsion - trying to obtain the perceived lack of masculinity by means of severel homo-erotic relationships in the past, and that alone is a very important fact to share with his future bride. She has a right to know about such things and choose if she can live with that.

If someone suffered from any other emotional/ psychological disorder - or physical illness -you would also demand they should be honest about it with their partner before trapping them into a marriage, which might not even be valid if such important information is withheld.
It's gravely unethical of your friend, and I don't understand if he can be cynical enough to bring a woman into such a situation.

The way I see it, you are in the difficult situation of knowing this secret, and that means you are maybe the only one to give him the news flash, that either he tells his fiancee, or you have to. In that same discussion you can tell him that there are quite a few good therapists who help people struggling with ssa to actually become heterosexual...
He has a chance of this also.
But he has to start with honesty towards himself and significant others in his life.

Peace to you.

narth.com/ You can give this to your friend: It's a web page explaining about the reasons, facts and treatment of same sex attraction.

[/quote]

We seem to be assuming that he has not told the fiance - does the OP know this for sure or is she assuming this because he did not come back and say hey I told her.


#9

OP:


#10

If the girl knows and wants to marry him anyway, good luck, and their marriage will be a strong trial.

However, since she doesn't know, not only are they getting an invalid marriage - she's going to be severely hurt by all of this in the end, methinks - and I doubt it will make your friend happy either.


#11

Yes but the OP does not state how the OP knows or if the OP is assuming. It just may be something the fiancee does not discuss because it is not a matter for polite discussion.


#12

Thanks for the replies guys.

I had a chat with him, no, the fiance does not know about it. He is hoping to put everything in the marriage and be a good husband.

I’ll be praying for them.


#13

I agree with the advice given about talking to your friend. There is a Catholic group for people with homosexual tendencies that helps them to change their lives and, in many case, live a healthy, productive heterosexual life. It's called "Courage". Here's the link: couragerc.net/ I've heard numerous success stories of men who have gone through this program. Whether he ultimately decides to marry or not, he should be honest about his feelings and go through this. Stuffing it down and pretending it doesn't exist is a recipe for disaster.

Deo Juvante, Jen


#14

[quote="piggy123, post:12, topic:227493"]
Thanks for the replies guys.

I had a chat with him, no, the fiance does not know about it. He is hoping to put everything in the marriage and be a good husband.

I'll be praying for them.

[/quote]

He needs to tell her. Withholding this kind of information could invalidate the marriage. It is an impediment. If he has one shred of care or love for her then he needs to tell her. It isn't fair for this poor woman.


#15

These are some Canons that might side with your friend telling his fiancee (keep in mind I am not a Canon lawyer):

Canon 1097.1 Error about a person renders a marriage invalid.

Canon 1097.2 Error about a quality of the person, even though it be the reason for the contract, does not render a marriage invalid unless this quality is directly and principally intended.

Canon 1098 A person contracts invalidly who enters marriage inveigled by deceit, perpetrated in order to secure consent, concerning some quality of the other party, which of its very nature can seriously disrupt the partnership of conjugal life.

Canon 1102.1 Marriage cannot be validly contracted subject to a condition concerning the future.

Canon 1102.2 Marriage entered into subject to a condition concerning the past or the present is valid or not, according as whatever is the basis of the condition exists or not.

Canon 1102.3 However, a condition as mentioned in 1102.2 may not lawfully be attached except with the written permission of the local Ordinary.

#16

If he manages to suppress his SSA somehow, having a fulfilling sexual life with his wife will still be difficult. He may be excited and hopeful that getting married will "fix" things, and he will be able to get rid of the homosexual attraction. He may even be able to perform sexually - some gay men are able to manage, minimally, although they would tell you they don't get the same pleasure from being with a woman that they would have with another man. And it won't be normal for his wife-to-be, either.

He is playing along with what his family and society expects and gives positive approval for doing. For him, it will be a lie, unless he really intends to try and change from SSA to heterosexuality.

Unless he is really good at hiding, his fiancee' has likely had concerns already. She may be trying to talk herself out of her instinct that something is different about him. She may have a dysfunctional background herself, to choose to be with a man who is not attracted to women. Or, he may be a wonderful, caring, loving friend and she thinks all will be well between them once they are married.

It really is terribly unfair that your friend really intends to go through with this charade, which will cause such pain for the woman he is marrying. She will doubt her own sexuality and attractiveness, it is bound to hurt her self-image. And all for what? Is he trying to get an inheritance? Have children? Just feel accepted for a change? It's very selfish for him to do this and end up causing such harm. I would be very tempted to put an anonymous note in the mail to her...it's that destructive for him to know that he's homosexual and marry her anyway.


#17

It is like 1ke said to me one time on here - there are few things more painful in life than to attempt an invalid marriage. It sounds like this is what your friend is trying to do - except he will be doing it knowingly - his fiancee will be the victim. I really think you need to make that clear to him that he must be honest with her - she has a right to know.


#18

I think that you have a responsibility to say something to the woman if your friend won't. This is really, really not fair. My great aunt married a man under these exact same circumstances. They were Catholic and this was back when divorce was a scandal and meant excommunication, so they pretty much had to stay together. Anyhow, her husband ended up not being able to control himself and would go out and meet men. It pretty much killed my aunt, she was always sick and had emotional problems and she was bedridden by the time she was 50. When she died in her 70's, less than 10 years ago, there was actually another man living in the same house with her husband!! Also, the 2 children they managed to have together early in their marriage grew up to be very dysfunctional... I'm sure this is an extreme example of what can happen, but I wanted you to know. What my aunt went through was tragic. My family would have been furious and devastated to know that someone knew the problem in advance and didn't say anything before the wedding. :(


#19

I agree that she has a right to know and someone needs to tell her. It’s unfortunate he won’t do that. I view this as more or less the same, morally, as telling your spouse you want kids when you don’t want them and then just never “getting around to” it. This happened to a woman who later co-wrote a book; her husband admitted the truth after they got married and more than a decade later she still seems devastated. She chose to stay with him. The deceit can be worse than whatever caused the difference of opinion to begin with.


#20

What if he just had attractions, but they died off? I mean, are you sure he is STILL having those same-sex attractions? I don’t see how he could be with a woman for years if he is not attracted to her and more attracted to the same sex. Something just isn’t right there.

I’m sure he knows how valuable marriage is, and I believe 100% that if he wanted to, he could probably deprive those SSA’s and actually live a happy marriage with this woman, if he loves her of course.


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