My gay friend shunned me for being Catholic


#1

Dear friends:

I had a gay friend since high school, a long time ago, and we recently touched base through Facebook. She has been a lesbian now for years and is in a relationship with her "partner" now for 19 years. OK.

I recently have be-friended her on Facebook, but when she found out I was a Catholic, she has shunned me totally and blocked me on FB. I told her about our wonderful Church and invited her and her friend to come some Sunday, as our church is most welcoming and non-judgmental. I also told her about a gay and lesbian support group they have weekly that meets at our parish, and when I told her this, and invited her to our church, she said NEVER contact her again.

I am deeply hurt. I have not done anything except to reach out to her. I informed her that our church is very forward, which it is, and that our Pastor even gave his blessing for this gay and lesbian group to even meet. Which, BTW, I think is very cool.

Please, can someone share some insight? She is calling me judgmental and critical, when this is NOT my intent. At all. I am deeply hurt, but I do realize standing up for our faith, or even mentioning something as little as where we attend Mass, is threatening for some. Still, it hurts. I have nothing but kindness in my heart for this friend, but to be shunned, hurts. Gosh. How can some be so unkind?

Thank you.


#2

I feel for you. Some people are oversensitive, sometimes to the point of rudeness or worse.


#3

Pray for your friend.

Read your Catechism regarding homosexuality so you are certain that your Parish is in accord with the Church.

It's possible your friend wants to continue with "homosexual acts" - this is a mortal sin. And if your friend had been Catholic, she would not be able to receive Holy Communion.

All sexual acts outside of marriage (defined as between one woman and one man) is sinful.

Other than prayers, its just best to move on for a while.


#4

I think a few things are at work here.

  1. People who have been hurt often lash out at those who remind them of their pain. Once bitten - twice shy. Perhaps your friend has been hurt by Catholics in the past and she assumed you would do the same.

  2. The church is being villified wherever you go. People who are mainstream HATE people who attend church and are faithful. I almost wonder if part of this is fear of having their own sin pointed out to them... or if they genuinely feel judged even when we aren't judging? They don't seem to understand that we can say something is sinful and yet not be hateful to the one perpetrating the sin.

Ever noticed how (most of the time) it's more acceptable to be any other religion EXCEPT Christian in the eyes of the secular world? That's immensely interesting to me.

Pray for your friend. It's all you can do at this point.


#5

[quote="Corinne3, post:1, topic:200218"]
Dear friends:

I had a gay friend since high school, a long time ago, and we recently touched base through Facebook. She has been a lesbian now for years and is in a relationship with her "partner" now for 19 years. OK.

I recently have be-friended her on Facebook, but when she found out I was a Catholic, she has shunned me totally and blocked me on FB. I told her about our wonderful Church and invited her and her friend to come some Sunday, as our church is most welcoming and non-judgmental. I also told her about a gay and lesbian support group they have weekly that meets at our parish, and when I told her this, and invited her to our church, she said NEVER contact her again.

I am deeply hurt. I have not done anything except to reach out to her. I informed her that our church is very forward, which it is, and that our Pastor even gave his blessing for this gay and lesbian group to even meet. Which, BTW, I think is very cool.

Please, can someone share some insight? She is calling me judgmental and critical, when this is NOT my intent. At all. I am deeply hurt, but I do realize standing up for our faith, or even mentioning something as little as where we attend Mass, is threatening for some. Still, it hurts. I have nothing but kindness in my heart for this friend, but to be shunned, hurts. Gosh. How can some be so unkind?

Thank you.

[/quote]

I don't think you did anything wrong, but you should not be surprised.

You invited her to a place that teaches that her 19 year relationship is sin and that she should stop the relationship. (Whether your Pastor teaches that, the Church teaches that and most every homosexual would know that.) You invited her to a "support group." When I think of support group I think of groups for people that need help. She does not perceive that she needs any help, but likely perceived that you think she does.

Shake the sand from your sandals and move on. Or send her an apology and say that upon reflection you can understand her reaction and are sorry for offending her. Say that you will respect her wishes and never contact her, but say if she ever is in need of a loving friend, you are available.


#6

Corinne -- I'm sorry that your former friend has chosen to treat you this way and I hope there is a chance of future reconciliation if that's what you both want.

You said she's been in a stable relationship for 19 years, and it's probably safe to assume that at least some of her friends and associates are also gay, possibly involved in current or past "gay rights" movements. From that perspective, I don't think it's a stretch to understand that she's probably been hurt and outraged by the public position and statements of the church regarding her homosexuality.

We are taught that it is an intrinsically disordered state, and, while the Church states very strongly that we are to respect all gay people and not discriminate against them, it also is very vocal about not sanctioning any kind of sexual relationship outside of marriage, including gay partnerships. The Church has strongly maintained its position in fighting against gay "marriage" and the creation of families by gay couples, following doctrine.

I would expect that your friend has likely taken the Church's stance very personally and sees it as a particularly unwelcoming position toward her and her partner. From the point of view of a non-Catholic who does not ascribe to our teaching or beliefs, it must seem like a very discriminatory and harsh way to be treated. She probably associates the Church position with you as a faithful Catholic, who is bound to the doctrine, and she just can't separate the two.

Also, since the "gay rights agenda" has been so conspicuous in the media the past few years with the continued push for gay marriage, there have been a lot of really inflammatory negative comments toward the gay community by members of other churches and groups who are very much against anything that is seen as promoting any further advances. I'm sure your friend has been offended by all that and is probably ultra-sensitive to any perceived disapproval or limitations.

If she's taken the steps you've described to discourage further contact with you, maybe you should just pray for her and not worry about re-establishing a friendship, especially since she's given you every indication she's not interested.


#7

Your friend is clearly hurting. Pray for her, and be open to further dialogue; do everything you can to express your friendship and love, and "leave the ball in her and God's court", so to speak.

pats Corinne on the back


#8

Yes, you are all so right in what you say. I just cannot believe people can be so cold. I did tell her just this, as you recommend, that I am here for her, etc. That’s all I can do, and pray of course. Gosh life can be difficult. I cannot believe a friend would tell you this, just because they discover you are a practicing Catholic. :confused:


#9

I keep you, your friend and your friends paretner in my prayers. I suggestyou pray for them as well. Godspeed.


#10

I too had this concern when I first read the post, let me say this… If this parish is in accord with the Church then I know why why this friend was so offended. Because the group should be a support group for people who have SSA and are trying to get it undercontrol so they can live the life God wants them to live. This involves great personal self sacrafice, something your friend obviously feels she has no need of. I feel fairly certain that if this person believes in God, then they have rationalized to them selves that God made them the way there are, so that means what they’re doing can’t be a sin. They’re offened at the apparent suggestion that their life style is not in accord with God’s wishes or the natural law.

If on the otherhand, your group does not exist with this sort of goal in mind, then I dread to think what this parish is teaching it’s parishoners. The honosexual life style is sinful, can can be nothing but sinful. It can’t be condoned by the parish, and worse yet the parish can’t be “helping gay people live more fulfilling active gay lives” and still offering them communion.


#11

[quote="WatchingMedia, post:3, topic:200218"]
Pray for your friend.

Read your Catechism regarding homosexuality so you are certain that your Parish is in accord with the Church.

It's possible your friend wants to continue with "homosexual acts" - this is a mortal sin. And if your friend had been Catholic, she would not be able to receive Holy Communion.

All sexual acts outside of marriage (defined as between one woman and one man) is sinful.

Other than prayers, its just best to move on for a while.

[/quote]

Yes, "watchingmedia" I am most aware of what the Church does teach and what the Bible says too. But, as a follower of Jesus, I want to have more love than merely judgment. And reminding someone of what the "Church teaches on this or that"
I hope you can understand. I would never tell a gay friend their acts are a mortal sin. Maybe you would, but I would not. I would hope to be more tactful and loving in my approach. Afterall it is not for me to judge, it for the Lord to do the convicting. It is my job to love.


#12

Yes, Nicky. I do notice this. Thank you for your awesome response!


#13

[quote="CAnnElizabeth, post:6, topic:200218"]
Corinne -- I'm sorry that your former friend has chosen to treat you this way and I hope there is a chance of future reconciliation if that's what you both want.

You said she's been in a stable relationship for 19 years, and it's probably safe to assume that at least some of her friends and associates are also gay, possibly involved in current or past "gay rights" movements. From that perspective, I don't think it's a stretch to understand that she's probably been hurt and outraged by the public position and statements of the church regarding her homosexuality.

We are taught that it is an intrinsically disordered state, and, while the Church states very strongly that we are to respect all gay people and not discriminate against them, it also is very vocal about not sanctioning any kind of sexual relationship outside of marriage, including gay partnerships. The Church has strongly maintained its position in fighting against gay "marriage" and the creation of families by gay couples, following doctrine.

I would expect that your friend has likely taken the Church's stance very personally and sees it as a particularly unwelcoming position toward her and her partner. From the point of view of a non-Catholic who does not ascribe to our teaching or beliefs, it must seem like a very discriminatory and harsh way to be treated. She probably associates the Church position with you as a faithful Catholic, who is bound to the doctrine, and she just can't separate the two.

Also, since the "gay rights agenda" has been so conspicuous in the media the past few years with the continued push for gay marriage, there have been a lot of really inflammatory negative comments toward the gay community by members of other churches and groups who are very much against anything that is seen as promoting any further advances. I'm sure your friend has been offended by all that and is probably ultra-sensitive to any perceived disapproval or limitations.

If she's taken the steps you've described to discourage further contact with you, maybe you should just pray for her and not worry about re-establishing a friendship, especially since she's given you every indication she's not interested.

[/quote]

Hi CAnnElizabeth:

Thank you. Everything you say I think is probably right. I am just so astounded that a friend would cut me off when I care about them so much, and want to tell them how much Jesus loves them. I cannot fathom.


#14

I was astounded how when I expressed God;s Love for my gay friend, she pretty much said she doesn';t want it or care about it. Just HOW can a human feel this way? I will never understand. I lost sleep over her last night, dang it......why do I care so much ? I hate the way God made me sometimes.....I want to learn more how to detach.
Any advice?

Anyway when I told my friend I loved her, and God loves her and her partner, and that I would be there for her anytime, and that she is always welcome at our church, she wrote back threatening to call the police, and for me to leave her alone, and how much she hates my church, etc. I was SOOO stunned friends. This was really upsetting to me.


#15

[quote="Corinne3, post:14, topic:200218"]
I was astounded how when I expressed God;s Love for my gay friend, she pretty much said she doesn';t want it or care about it. Just HOW can a human feel this way? I will never understand. I lost sleep over her last night, dang it......why do I care so much ? I hate the way God made me sometimes.....I want to learn more how to detach.
Any advice?

Anyway when I told my friend I loved her, and God loves her and her partner, and that I would be there for her anytime, and that she is always welcome at our church, she wrote back threatening to call the police, and for me to leave her alone, and how much she hates my church, etc. I was SOOO stunned friends. This was really upsetting to me.

[/quote]

I'd take the hint and walk away, there's no sense in pushing this beyond reasnoble bounds. Either she will respond to God's call or not at this point.


#16

Yes, indeed. Thank you.

WE cannot bring one to Christ can we? only the Holy Spirit can.

Thanks everyone for all your good replies.
My deepest prayer is for God to make me His instrument.

I guess He does it in ways unknown to us.

Praise His Name.

P.S,. Is anyone on Facebook? Send me a personal message and I'd love to be friends.


#17

hmmmm ill agree that gays receive alot of criticism from churches world wide so its under standable your friend is on edge when it comes to her sexuality. Also, how did you invite her to ‘gay and lesbian support group’? If you put it like that, put yourself in her shoes. She is a lesbian who is constantly shunned by churches and the media, also her family may have regected her. An old friend finds her and mentions she should come to a ‘gay and lesbian support group’. You might take that as some sort of AA meeting for homosexuals. You have to be very careful how you word things on the net.


#18

[quote="Slowlearner, post:5, topic:200218"]
I don't think you did anything wrong, but you should not be surprised.

You invited her to a place that teaches that her 19 year relationship is sin and that she should stop the relationship. (Whether your Pastor teaches that, the Church teaches that and most every homosexual would know that.) You invited her to a "support group." When I think of support group I think of groups for people that need help. She does not perceive that she needs any help, but likely perceived that you think she does.

Shake the sand from your sandals and move on. Or send her an apology and say that upon reflection you can understand her reaction and are sorry for offending her. Say that you will respect her wishes and never contact her, but say if she ever is in need of a loving friend, you are available.

[/quote]

I think this is a terrrific post. :thumbsup:

I was astounded how when I expressed God;s Love for my gay friend, she pretty much said she doesn';t want it or care about it. Just HOW can a human feel this way? I will never understand. I lost sleep over her last night, dang it......why do I care so much ? I hate the way God made me sometimes.....I want to learn more how to detach.
Any advice?

Anyway when I told my friend I loved her, and God loves her and her partner, and that I would be there for her anytime, and that she is always welcome at our church, she wrote back threatening to call the police, and for me to leave her alone, and how much she hates my church, etc. I was SOOO stunned friends. This was really upsetting to me.

Corrine, I am sure you had no malice in your heart, but I think you should reflect a bit more on your friend's point of view.

How long had you been back in touch when you made your invitation? I think if you guys had only JUST reconnected, she may have interpreted your motives differently -- maybe that you ONLY reached out to her to "cure" her or to "recruit" her. Remember, she can't read your mind and doesn't know that you only have love in your heart.

And lastly, I think you should think about the hurt you feel for being shunned and rejected, vilified and pushed away for just being a Christian -- and then consider that she has most likely been treated the exact same way by scores of people, just for being gay. Although you personally are accepting of her, remember that so many people are not. It's a lesson learned in compassion.


#19

Corinne, my heart breaks for you. You’re heart was clearly in the right place, but unfortunately, it’s likely that your friend has been wounded too much in the past to allow herself to be vulnerable right now. When you say “support group”, she likely thought that you were trying to point her towards a group of whackos that would try to talk her out of being a lesbian. Also, I noticed in your OP that you put quotes around partner. The message “You and your “partner” are welcome here” reads subtly differently than “you and your partner are welcome here”. It would not be the first time that friendships were ruined over the subtle nuances implied or even immagined in written communication.

I think you’re best to just pray for her.


#20

[quote="Corinne3, post:14, topic:200218"]
I was astounded how when I expressed God;s Love for my gay friend, she pretty much said she doesn';t want it or care about it. Just HOW can a human feel this way? I will never understand. I lost sleep over her last night, dang it......why do I care so much ? I hate the way God made me sometimes.....I want to learn more how to detach.
Any advice?

Anyway when I told my friend I loved her, and God loves her and her partner, and that I would be there for her anytime, and that she is always welcome at our church, she wrote back threatening to call the police, and for me to leave her alone, and how much she hates my church, etc. I was SOOO stunned friends. This was really upsetting to me.

[/quote]

This is an obvious guilt response from your friend, you offer her friendship and the love of the Church and she responds with agression. I would have to agree with the other posters and keep her and her partner in your prayers. Also remember you may have also planted a seed that will yeild much fruit, God uses His loved ones in beautiful ways!


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