My girlfriend and mass?


#1

hey,
my girlfriend and i having been dating just over 6 months now, we are both seventeen, and have been really great friends for a few years before we started dating.

we are also both catholic, practicing catholics, and more so than most. we are both extraordinary minister of holy communion at our schools, we are both attend retreats and talk about our faith very openly.

my problem is this: i asked her if she would like to go to mass with me sometime, and her response was that she would rather go with her family and its a special time they share together. i understood that answer and fully respect it. my real problem came about when i told her recently that i am going to try and go to a mass during the week (apart from sunday) and wanted to know if she would like to go. she said no, and thought that it was very weird, and that she did not want mass to be an "outing."
i somewhat understood this, but my intentions were not to make mass a date, but rather an experience for both of us to grow in our faith, together as a couple.

we attended adoration once together, and she thought that was “not as weird as i would have thought.” i tried explaining that part of a relationship is helping the other person get to heaven (this is the part that i started to get upset with her about and made her upset as well, which i felt awful about). she basically said that, “what you seem to being saying is much more like marriage, not that i dont want that, im just not thinking about it right now”

i know i did something wrong, i apologized to her by visiting her the day after and we’ll see how it goes. i really really like her so much, perhaps one day i would like to marry her, she is definitely the type of person i would love to marry, but how can we get around this “awkward mass” situation, as well as the other stuff?


#2

First, as I read this, I cannot see where you suggested anything inappropriate. However, if at this time the subject of attending Mass together makes your girlfriend feel uncomfortable, than perhaps you should simply leave in alone for awhile. God bless.


#3

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to go to Mass with your GF.

Now…if you were just hanging on to her the whole time, then yes…it would be inappropriate.
But if you’re truly treating Mass as the wonderous thing it is, and you only wish to be closer to you girlfriend during it…that’s not just OK, that’s GREAT!

I don’t have a girlfriend…yet…but if I did, I would want to do the same thing!

I’m sorry, but I think your girlfriend is the one with the problem here. Perhaps she needs to realize that.


#4

I hope you will continue the weekday Mass idea, as your spiritual life is important in itself as you obviously know. I thought I would keep you and your girlfriend in prayer…
As the others have said, you did nothing wrong… it was worth a try!
Bless you, Trishie


#5

Ahh… I wouldn’t suggest this to her. At this point, for whatever reason, she associates going to Mass with her biological family, as opposed to friends or even boyfriends. Right now, I would simply be happy that she does attend Mass (even if it is not with you in tow) and leave it alone. If the relationship becomes stronger over time and certainly, if marriage seems like a real possibility, I am sure that she would be more open to the idea. Pushing her on the issue, or telling her that she has a “problem” is NOT advisable. God bless.

PS - You wouldn’t happen to be a relation of Belgarath would ya :wink: . I enjoyed Edding’s books many years ago. :thumbsup:


#6

I think it’s possible that when she is at Mass she would like to be focused on the Mass and the Blessed Eucharist…and is worried that being with you would distract her from the Mass. :wink: At least, I remember my fiance, when we were dating, going to Mass with me and my family when he was visiting (he lived in another town), and I was…well, distracted. It was hard to focus. :o

I would just give her time.


#7

Have you suggested going to mass with her and her family?

I think neither of you are in the wrong here, but I do think you need to respect her wishes to not go to mass together. It is possible she would be distracted by having you at mass with her, and she wants to stay focused during mass.

Give her some more time. As she said, she is not thinking about marriage right now, and therefore is not treating your relationship in that way. When she is ready to think/plan marriage with you, you can broach the subject again.


#8

You did nothing wrong, but you are both only 17. Perhaps your GF sees that as a commitment of some sort, letting you into what would normally be her family time.


#9

Perhaps she thinks your princely good looks would be too distracting for her. :thumbsup: Don’t let it get you down. You are both young and it seems like she is trying to hang-on to some of her family traditions.


#10

I don’t want to be negative, but I’m wondering - is this the only way she seems to hold back from you? Are there other things she does that make you wonder?

If this is the only way she’s holding you at arm’s length, you probably have nothing to worry about - she just likes the way she does Mass now, and doesn’t want to upset the rhythm of it.

On the other hand, when I was 17, I had a boyfriend who was quite pushy about raising the level of emotional intimacy. He was ready to be married around 19 or 20, so he wanted to get started on marriage-prep type stuff. I wasn’t even close to ready for that, so I blocked his attempts at intimacy. If he talked about his dream house, I said mine was a castle. If he talked about children, I said I didn’t want any, even though it wasn’t true.

If your girlfriend isn’t emotionally ready for this level of relationship, she might be pushing you away to get a little space. You might be going a bit too fast for her. If that’s the case, just drop the subject for a few months. You might be pleasantly surprised when she suggests it herself later.


#11

I just wanted to pipe in and say, you guys sound like such a great couple - great young people if I may say that.

I think it is nice how your girlfriend takes mass very seriously, but I do agree with others that there is nothing wrong with the two of you going together. I understand the family part and you came up with a good idea to attend a weekly mass together instead. Obviously as long as you aren’t holding hands and cuddling in the pews ( which I know either of you would never dream of based on your original post ) then this is a fine idea. Sure mass is not all about who you go with, but we are one big Catholic community and we have to acknowledge and share with those around us too.


#12

It sounds like y’all’s relationship has alot going for it and alot of potential. But timing is everything.

I suggest being patient, and see what happens, I know that doesn’t sound like much, but there it is.


#13

I think the key here is that both of you are 17 yo. Although you may be ready to start thinking of marriage there is a good chance she isn’t. Personally, I didn’t attend Mass with my now DH until we were engaged. To me that was just the rule. I didn’t want to be showing up at mass with a different guy every year.
Have the two of you talked about what your plans for the next 4-5 years are, not necessarily your relationship plans, but college, careers, marriage, etc??? When I was 17 yo marriage was the furthest thing from my mind. I was more focused on graduating from HS, going to college, starting a career. At 17 I didn’t think I should even consider marriage until I was at least 24 yo. I still dated during that time, although I didn’t consider it a courtship.


#14

If your girlfriend said no then you should respect her feelings and let it go. Ask again in a few months and accept whatever decision she gives you then.

You may mean well, but for her own reasons she isn’t interested. Respect her enough to accept her decision.


#15

Well, I wasn’t trying to advise him to push for it…I’m saying that she needs to grow up. Wanting to spend time with your family during Mass is one thing, but thinking its weird to go to Mass with your boyfriend is completely different. Though perhaps she is just concerned about the seriousness of it. In my mind at least, going to Mass with a girl is pretty serious.

PS - You wouldn’t happen to be a relation of Belgarath would ya :wink: . I enjoyed Edding’s books many years ago. :thumbsup:

hee hee
What is there a Belgarath on this forum? lol
But yeah, I love Eddings’ books. Belgarion is awesome.


#16

Don’t push it. Prayer is an intimate thing and maybe she knows that she doesn’t want to get that intimate with you. Give her credit for going. (I think Scott Hahn’s wife brought it up that praying together too soon can cause issues of confusion and too much intimacy.)

The distraction thing is huge!! I went to mass with a guy once. I sat there the whole time being distracted by the “does he like me”, “Are we suppose to hold hands during mass” am i’m sitting too close to him" I completely got off the whole reason i was at mass. Even right now i perfer to go to mass by myself or with only close friends. I am there for God not to socialize or make a statement.

Honestly if neither of you is thinking about marriage then why are you dating?


#17

I agree with this sentiment. There is nothing wrong with asking her, and truly, at this stage of your relationship, nothing wrong with her saying no to it. I think it would be nice of her to go with you–as you want to share this together. But, she sees it perhaps, as maybe taking your relationship to another ‘level,’ so she just isn’t there yet.

I think it’s great that you’ll be going to weekday masses, and that she shares the faith together with you.


#18

I personally have been with my girlfriend for 2 years next month, and we don’t go to mass often together, but we’re not uncomfortable with it.
I attended her confirmation (she’s younger), and sadly, her grandfather’s funeral, but for those two we sat apart. (confirmation I sat with her parents).

My idea I’d suggest to you is what myself and my girlfriend like to do. I attend the John Paul II Polish center which is BEAUTIFUL. She goes to a local Filipino Church. (thank God we’re both Catholic).

I’m confident (since you didn’t say otherwise), that you attend the same church? If not, try my idea above, which is a great way to see other locations in the Catholic community. If you do attend the same one, you might suggest going together once for a meaningful mass. Possibly Christmas (have both families attend together?), or Easter.


#19

I agree with the other people, I don’t see anything you did as wrong, but if it makes your girlfriend uncomfortable, perhaps you should stop for now.


#20

First of all, I commend both of you for being so strong in faith. I'm proud of you for attending mass and adoration voluntarily!

I don't think you did anything wrong by asking your GF to attend mass with you, but she may have read more into it than you intended. She may have felt that you were pushing her into a serious relationship more quickly than she is ready for or comfortable with. If you press the issue, you could push her away.

I suggest you give her her space and continue going to the weekday masses yourself. Continue to pray for her and be happy that she is attending mass regularly with her family and is strong spiritually.


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