My girlfriends parents don't like me


#1

So I’ve been having this problem for a while but I decided to post this on the forums to see if I could get any help from you guys. I’m Catholic myself and have been all my life. I grew up in a Catholic home so I believe in Catholicism and know much about it. But when I was in 3rd grade I got put into a Christian school. It’s a private school that goes from kindergarten all the way up to 12th grade. But most of the people that go to that school are protestant with only like 5 Catholics in the whole school including myself. Now I’m on my Jr year and my girlfriend is on her senior year. We started talking towards the end of last year and have been together for about 8 months now secretly from her parents. At the beginning it was all going good and we had plans to hang out and her mom was ok with it. But a few days before we hung out, they caught us facetiming in the middle of the night and got upset and called it off so that we couldn’t hang out anymore. But we weren’t doing anything bad. We were just talking. And ever since that they’ve just been so against us even talking. They keep telling her to get over me. And they’re also saying it’s because I’m Catholic and she’s “Christian” aka protestant and we don’t believe the same thing. And that we’re not gonna be able to get married so what’s the point of dating. We’ve been arguing a lot recently because of the situation we’re in and I don’t know what to do anymore. She also told me she needed some time cause she was really emotional a couple of days ago and we haven’t talked since. She’s tried talking to her parents many times to try to convince them that it will work but they end up shutting her down completely and yelling at her every single time. We both turn 18 at the beginning of next year so we could wait it out and then do whatever we want then. But the thing is that I want to have a healthy relationship with her parents. I dont want them to dislike me. We like each other a lot but her parents won’t even let her see me and don’t even know that she texts me. Do you think there’s anything I can do to gain their trust or reverse the damage I’ve done? Please help.


#2

Respect - the parents wishes.


#3

Well, first you guys started on a bad foot by keeping this secret from her parents.

Are you both over 18? If you are, then her parents really should have no say and if she’s letting her parents control her decisions that’s going to be a very difficult thing to overcome.

But if you’re under 18 she does need to respect her parents a bit more.

How would you feel if you came into a room in the middle of the night and your daughter was face timing a boy that up until that point you didn’t know she was involved romantically with? Wouldn’t you presume the worst?

I think the first step is for you to approach her parents to apologize for your behavior.

Second step is to consider what your future will be like with her. Will she raise the children Catholic? How would you feel if she refused to? How would you feel if she says yes to raising them Catholic now but then changes her mind after they’re born?

These are all important questions because dating isn’t about the moment, it’s about the future so you must think about the future when dating someone.

For now I think you have a lot to think about and consider. The first step is she needs to stop seeing you in secret if you decide TO be together. The second step is you HAVE to apologize to her parents as does she.

Third step? I do think you need a little bit of distance from the situation so you can think it through without the distraction of emotion.

PS: it doesn’t matter that you were doing nothing wrong. The secrecy and sneaking around makes it seem as if you WERE and that’s enough for her parents to be justifiably upset.


#4

This reminds me of the song that was popular a couple years ago. A guy was singing to the father of his girlfriend. He’d asked the dad if he could marry the daughter, dad said no, and the guy writes a song about how he’s going to marry her anyway. Well, if you actually had zero respect for the Dad’s authority, why ask in the first place?

If she’s living under their roof she is subject to their rules. You aren’t doing her or yourself any favors by going behind the parent’s back. You either believe in respecting their authority or you don’t. They aren’t doing anything that will harm her, theirs is a reasonable and fairly common rule.

I agree with a previous response, you both owe them an apology and to respect their rules while she resides under their roof or they are paying her way. That’s life. I understand that it’s not easy I grew up with conscientious parents and I didn’t always agree with their ideas either. I moved out and married young and did my own thing.

You sound like a good guy. If you are having a hard time understanding this try fast forwarding to what you would hope and want for your own kids someday.


#5

I was around 17 when I met a girl who liked me and who I liked and we both went to the same Catholic high school. Anyway, I was at her house one day and her mom gave me a disapproving look. That was it. I moved on. I respected her mom.


#7

Give the girl some time like she wants. She’s probably sick of being in the middle between parents and you.

Respect the parents’ wishes and stop sneaking around behind their back.

If there’s anything real between you and this girl, she’ll come back to you later after the situation cools down. If not, you’ll probably both meet other people to be honest.


#8

Well, to be fair, I don’t think the OP was envisioning them eloping at age 18 when they are still in high school, much less “abandoning” her parents forever. I took it to mean that they felt like they could date openly once they turn 18, regardless of parental approval at that point.


#9

Aaaaahhh… now I get it. My post was kinda dumb then, when you think about it. I’ve deleted it, just to prevent it from doing any further harm! Cheers :slight_smile:


#10

I would definitely do that if it came to it.

On the other hand, I’m older than this girl is, and I have independent reasons to not trust their judgment. I wouldn’t recommend it for an 18 year old.


#11

They don’t believe in Jesus Christ our Lord and Saviour?
Must be an obscure Christian sect.

I am married to my Christian wife while I was baptized into the Catholic faith just this year.
Main supporter on this move? My Christian wife.
Who attends every Sunday mass at Catholic Church with me? My Christian wife.

Anybody who claims that you can’t be with one of your fellow Christian needs to take another deep look at the message of Jesus Christ and focus on becoming holy instead of being distracted by all too human issues of little importance.


#12

I hated that song.


#13

If you want to gain their trust, you have to respect their wishes. I suggest giving it time, wait until you both turn 18 and try again, assuming you both feel the same for each other after a break.


#14

I’m with you. While I am already married, I think there can be good reasons for eloping sometimes–though definitely not for an 18-year old; agree. It could also be fun to go and get married without telling anyone (except the priest would have to know in advance :slight_smile: ) and skip all the hassle of planning a big wedding, as long as the marriage wasn’t an impulsive decision.

Again, not recommending it to the OP, though, at least not at this time in his life.


#15

Me too. :stuck_out_tongue:


#16

You’re going to be a junior in the fall. She’s going to be a senior in the fall.

School starts in, what, a month? Give her a bit of space for the next month, and then you’ll see her regularly at school.

The big issue is going to come when she graduates. Where is she going to go? Is a college freshman going to maintain ties with a high school senior? Or is she going to be in a new environment, with new friends, and new people?

Don’t do anything serious at this point, because this time next year is going to be the difficult part, parents or no parents. Keep the relationship light and superficial, both out of respect for the parents’ wishes (which take priority as long as she’s under their roof, not just until she magically turns 18.) Focus on your studies and being a student, because that’s your job.

Perhaps you’ll be able to keep a strong relationship. But your paths are going to diverge a year from now-- and then they’ll diverge yet again two years from now, when you graduate and see where life takes you. There’s a whole group of people you haven’t met yet, who will play significant roles in your future. So take the long-term view of your situation, not just the immediate situation directly in front of you.


#17

I know what you mean.


#18

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